Do birthmoms even remember you?

Katie -My son and I re-connected when he was 40 years old, and I'm so blessed that we've had a wonderful reunion that has been drama-free. The timing was right for this reunion, and you know what they say... timing is everything. It sounds like you weren't so lucky.May I suggest you maintain minimum contact with your son - maybe annual holiday cards or "reunion day" cards with a handwritten note, even if it's a one-sided effort Perhaps, in time, he'll let down his barriers when the timing might finally be right for him. At least he'll know where to find you if there's ever a medical crisis in his life or that of his children.Meanwhile, congratulations on finding him. I know it brings you some peace to know he's okay. And now you can finally stop searching the eyes in every crowd, looking for a hint of familiarity that might lead you to your son.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.. I just want to say that the grief of our loss keeps on keeping on till life gives us the chance and right to just let it go.. Its a process and I urge you to stay with the grief work when it comes at you like it is now.. Some of us did not do the grief work when we relinquished.. but it keeps coming back till we do.. the only way out is through.. Jackie

Katie--my heart goes out to you. I wish I could shake your son till his teeth rattle but that wouldn't solve anything. Unfortunately adoptee men are a little less emotional and less interested in knowing their birth families. I never knew I was adopted till I was 40 but I was able to have a few years with my birth mom till she passed away in2007. I was tripped up in our first conversation cause she had blocked my birthday completely from her mind. Aug 5 1958 meant absolutely nothing to her! But we were able to form a rather comfortable relationship and I love having a half sister as I grew up an only child. Do you have other kids? Does your b-son not even care about that? Have you sent him a family picture? Does he have kids? (your grandchildren?) He may not want to meet but he does need a family medical history and I'd tell him that to his face if I could !! Try one last communication along with a med history, sneak a picture in there and tell him you'd at least like to have a photo of your granchildren if there are any and one of him (just to remember him by). I don't think reunions should be forced but everyone needs an accurate family medical history and a right to know their heritage. If you are ever able to communicate with him again shut off the sob stuff and try sharing a little history with him--important family members and things like that--or even send him a family tree--Respect his wish for no contact for now but tell him if he ever changes his mind--you'll be there, day or night. If you ever want to talk my email is connp4@aol.com-----I care.

Katie, As another bmom, I look at this from a completely different angle. He is 35 and living with mom. Never married and no children. What is wrong with this picture? I have no problem with someone being 35 and not married, but....living with mom, NEVER married and no children.

Katie, first of all I'm so sorry that your son doesn't want any contact with you at this time. I don't think it's all that strange though. I've helped facilitate many searches and reunions, and there is always that possibility. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it -- some adoptees just have no interest in their origins or birth families. Many do, but I have encountered the occasional "no, thanks" throughout the years. As far as your son still living in the parental home, it's not all that uncommon anymore, especially with the current economic climate. Personally I don't get it, mainly because I couldn't wait to turn 18 in order to get my own place...but that was me. The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was the possibility that your son may be gay -- mine is, and I know that the people in his extended adoptive family who don't know his sexual orientation think he's just afraid of commitment. I don't know what in the world they tell themselves about my son's partner of 15 years...I guess they just think they're lifelong roommates, lol. The other possibility is mental illness. Some people in their 30's who still live at home have had serious mental health issues in their lives and need the stability that the parental home provides. As far as your son being extremely close to his adoptive mom, I don't see that as all that strange, as long as certain boundaries aren't being crossed, if you know what I mean. Many guys are very close to their moms; it's just a natural thing that happens between mother and son in a lot of families. If I were you, I'd let your son know that your door will always be open to him if he changes his mind. I'd also ask him if he'd like a copy of your family's medical history. He's at the age where inheritable diseases often start showing up, like heart disease, high cholesterol, hypertension, etc. I would also ask him if it would be alright to send him cards at Christmas and his birthday...and then respect his wishes. The one thing I've learned in life is to never say never. There's a good chance he'll change his mind in the coming years. Many adoptees wait to reunite with their birth parents until their adoptive parents pass away. One of the biggest fears that many adoptees have in terms of reunion is that they'll hurt the parents who raised them.

Katie, I saw your previous reply too, so it wasn't your imagination. It must have just been a glitch. I remembered you saying something about his boss.

I am both a birthmom and an adoptee I used to wonder the same thing as you but now that I have done what I thought was unthinkable for so many years but knowing what was best for my daughter I chose her first but I can never forget about her and every year on her birthday I make a wish for her I am pretty sure your Birth mom thinks of you like she did before she gave you up for adoption

Welcome, wolowski511. I agree with you in that I can never forget my bson. He was born on my birthday (great way to spend your 21st birthday.) We've been in reunion for 6 years now. I have yet to meet a bmom who says she never thinks about the child she relinquished.

I've never forgotten my DS. I may have gotten busy over the years and procrastinated sending letters through the agency, but it was something I always thought about. I learned to set the emotions aside so I could function like a semi-normal adult. But every time I took a break from my busy life, I thought about him and his adoptive family. He just turned 18, so for the past two years or so I have thought about him constantly. Its probably unhealthy that I miss him as much as I do. It also doesn't help that he was my only child.

I appreciate your response and I never thought I would give a child up for adoption but I am so blessed that is an open adoption with my daughter but when I found out about my birthmom she was also adopted so I did feel guilty about my decision because it felt it was a cycle and I only wanted the best for my child which I know now I did but I always think about her so I know if I think about mine and gave her up at birth my mother has to think of me since I was with her for almost 2 yrs and I am blessed to know both sides

My son is my only child, too, but I must say, it is absolutely not unhealthy for any natural mother to miss her child. It is a tremendous loss, and perfectly normal to miss your child more than anything.

I wish my bmom had thought of me more. We are reunited and she said she thought of me on my birthday. That's about it. She didn't care if I ever found her or not, but seems happy that I did, so go figure. She said she got over it and went on to get married and have other kids. Some days I'm tempted to reject her just like she rejected me and stop contact with her.

Has it occurred to you that your bmother went this route because that was how she got through the whole experience? Going on with your life and not thinking about the adoption means not having to feel the pain that exists deep down. Many people deal with grief that way. They push it away and keep it away because it would hurt so much that they are afraid it will kill them. (I'm not saying this IS what happened with your bmom, just that it's something I have seen over and over as a pastor.) I also have to say that I love ALL my children and I don't necessarily think a lot about them every day. With Bson, there were (and still are even after reunion) times of the year that I thought about him more than at others. His birthday (which is also my birthday) is certainly a time when he was and is in my thoughts more than any other times although it's definitely not the only time.Remember, as well, that she was probably told to forget about you and get on with her life.

Katie, and others who have adoptees that don't want to meet - here's a great thread I found here on a.com

[url]http://forums.adoption.com/sharing-others-experience/222075-adoptees-who-dont-want-found.html[/url]

Hi I am an adoptee and I have just found my birth mother. It has been 51 years. She has told me that she would think of me often and always on my birthday. I had help from the adoption angels but it did take a while. If It was ment to be, you will find her. good luck ask the angels they will help.