How to explain that the Birth Mother has made very bad Choices? (long post)

There is a great book called Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child by Betsy Keefer & Jayne E. Schooler $18.95 It's avaliable through AdoptionShop.com under Talking to your child about adoption secton. It is a great book that has really good tips on discussing difficult situations.

Thanks, I'll have to order it. :) Hopefully it will arrive before his Bar-Mitzva!!

I totally understand your fears and the situation you are in. It is never easy to know how to handle thing, but I find that sometimes the most difficult things to handle initially turn out to have the most postive outcome. It may seem hard to tell your son the truth about his biological family, but the truth of the matter is that if you don't, it will be even MORE difficult down the road when he discovers the truth and is unprepared, emotionally. I think you presented the story of his birthfamily very well right here. Dole out the information in small, age-appropriate doses and keep the lines of communication open. He will ask for more information, or more detail as he matures. Keep your body language and your voice as light and positive as possible -- kids are very perceptive and even if the words you are saying are "open, positive words", you body language and the strain in your voice, or any "physical" clue that you are uncomfortable will be picked up and will give your child the clue that this isn't something you really want to be talking about. I assume you will be talking openly about the fact that he is adopted as he grows up....when you start talking about that aspect of his life, introduce the story of his birthmom and her family --- how they immigrated to Isreael from Russia when she was a young teen....you can show him maps that will help him along the years to understand what kind of "move" that was for his birthfamily. As time passes, you can explain that his birth grandfather passed away shortly after the family made this move from one country to another, and how hard this was for the whole family. Let him participate a lot in the story by asking him questions like "how do you think everyone felt when their daddy died --- I bet it made them sad, don't you"? This kind of dilogue helps him to be able to participate and to explore his own feelings as well as the feelings that his birthfamily might have experienced. He will begin to understand, over time, that making a major life move like that, and then losing the head of their household -- the father of the family -- after making such a mah\jor move, would be stressful and sad to his birthfamily. Again, this is all introduced in small, age appropriate doeses, and understanding will come about naturally, as with any other situation. As he grows to understand what it means to have someone pass away in his life...whether it be a grandparent or a family friend, or a pet....he will come to understand better what that loss meant in his birthfamily's life. You'll be able to say things like "I bet your birthmom felt really sad when her daddy passed away, just like you felt when "grandpa died", don't you? As he matures further, you can talk with him about how, when people are sad and scared, they sometimes act out in ways that aren't healthy for them....share with him healthy ways to deal with grief and fear. Later, you can talk about way that people deal with grief and fear in unhealthy ways.....they sometimes run away, they sometimes act out inappropriately, they sometimes drink or use drugs to help them deal with their pain. Explain to him that these aren't ways that your family deals with things, but that it happens sometimes....it doesn't mean that people who turn to unhealthy ways of coping are BAD PEOPLE, it just means they didn't know a better way of handling it. People get misguided and they get off the right path if they don't have a positive example to follow. People sometimes get "lost" and don't know where to turn....they have friends or family that are "in trouble", too, and everything gets out of control. You can use examples that your son might be familiar with of times when people he knows have made a "bad choice"......maybe someone he knows, or even he, himself might have broken something and then denied it in order to not get in trouble. Explain to him that "Suzy" made a bad choice when she lied about breaking the lamp, but that doesn't mean "Suzy" is a BAD PERSON, right? Her CHOICE was bad, but Suzy isn't". You can use examples and explainations like that the begin dialougue about how, after her daddy died, his birthmom made some bad choices, but that doesn't make her a BAD PERSON. Assure him that your family doesn't look down on people who make bad choices --- but instead you pray for them to find healing, and that your sons birthmom is always in your prayers. Explain to him that behaviors like stealing and using alcohol and drugs aren't things that your family does, but that sometimes people make mistakes and bad choices like that because they are scared and feeling alone...that sometimes people get angry when they are faced with a situation that is outside their control, and that his birthmom was placed in that kind of position, and she made some poor choices. If he askes what kind of poor choices, tell him.....if he is old enough to understand and ask those types of questions, he will be old enough to be told. By the time he's in school and you've gotten to this point, he will be hearing about drugs and their effects at school -- they start that kind of thing EARLY. He will know that drugs aren't good for you.....and it will all start to come together in his head. But it will have come thru a progression of a series of conversations, and it will just be a "fact" rather than a shock. Slowly introducing things that aren't exactly comfortable and pleasant make it easier for children, because it's not like something that is just "dropped" on them...it's just something they've come to know as a fact over time. Over the years, you can give out more information as he askes you for it. Because you've been open and comfortable in talking to him, he will be more likely to feel comfortable in asking for the information he wants to know. You can tell him positive things without lying or sugar coating the truth. You can tell him that his mother wanted him....you can tell him that his grandmother wanted him.......and you can tell him that a lot of people cared about the things that were best for him, and that in the end, everyone decided that the very best choice was for him to become a part of your family. You can always include his birthfamily in your prayers, so the he knows they are important to you --- if you pray for them he will know that you feel they are worthy of God's Grace....worthy of God's Grace = worthy = not a bad person, just someone who made some poor choices....choices that you and your family don't make, but choices that sometimes happen. I hope some of this rambling helps, or makes some sense. Best of luck, and I respect your desire to prepare in advance to help your son have a healthy attitude about his beginnings! Hugs, Sally

Your suggestions helped me take a step back and look at the situation from a different aspect. It doesn't seem quite so hopeless now. Not telling my son the truth is inconceivable. My worry is to find the appropriate way to explain it to him. Once he starts asking questions, I will answer them in a (hopefully) age-appropriate way. But, as you read, it has to be handled delicately, to avoid damaging his self-esteem. I really appreciate the input!

We've all made poor choices at one time or another; some are more serious than others, as in the bmom's case. From the history you provided in the post it sounds like her life was in crisis from an early age...the loss of her family members, immigration to a new country, and no stability to speak of. I understand your position, but I would encourage you to be gentle in your disclosure to your child. His bmom made poor choices to deal with her issues, as many of us have. I seriously doubt that she went out and made a conscious effort to become an addict...that's the end result of trying to escape from a reality that is less than ideal. Keep in consideration that if she ever gets clean her hell is yet to come. How sad that a loving family wasn't able to step in and help save her as you have her child. You can give facts to the child without judging her character. To bash her may well end up causing more damage than good.

Hi, I wanted to comment and will try and articulate what I want to say as well as I can. I can appreciate the idea of telling adopted children the truth. However, I grew up knowing wayyyyyyyy to much about my birthfamily. It didn't matter how well it was laid out through the years. If I were in your shoes I don't know that I would tell your child EVERYTHING. Maybe explain that his mother had some family issues that were difficult for her to handle. Maybe tell him she suffered great loss. Maybe even venture to tell him that she was so sad that it broke her mind for a little while, she couldn't care for you and she wanted you to be in a happy home. Is that not what she would hope for him upon recovery???? Lets face it, her mind was sadly enough, broken. One day she will be well, and as one poster put it, her hell will begin. Think about how you would feel if it were your birthchild looking you in the face that first meeting knowing the TRUTH. In my situation being told the TRUTH played a big role in my doing the very things I was told about my mother and then some. Children process what they are told differently than the way an ADULT does. I took everything into myself, hated Bmom, felt rejection, and had no self esteem. It affected my life choices in many ways and took miracles to get me where I am today. We hear enough sad stories about adoptees never feeling like they fit in, about how they felt rejected, and how they go on to repeat the same cycles they were born into. At 18 processing the truth will be much easier in some ways. At least he will have HAD a fair childhood. This is just my opinion of course and what being told the TRUTH did to me. You have much to weigh out over time. I might add my brother went down and is continuing to go down a distructive path because of the TRUTH. And he was told the truth by his social worker who adopted him. He also saw all the truths and lies in his identifying info from the state. My sister was also told the truth and had/has her own issues to deal with and never did bond with her adoptive mother. I might also add we are 40, 36, and 34 now. Children have enough issues to deal with growing up much less carrying a burden as heavy as knowing your B-mom was an addict. I cannot wrap my mind around telling a child that. Again this is my experience and opinion. May God bless you and direct you in this decision. EL

Well said, EL. There is such a thing as information overload. Mom, you have a gift as a result of the bmom's choices. Be gentle. Debra

We face this issue ourselves with our two siblings adopted. With a little twist in that our daughter was told more then we would have at the age of four! Our daughter remembers her birthmother so the topic comes up rather often in our house. The state provided each child with a 'Lifebook" and the story told is point blank with out a missing fact. Right down to the positive drug tests at little brothers birth and details about the reunification plan and why it failed! When I read the books I was horrified and thought there were too many detail for a child who will learn to read oneday. So I have copied the parts of the books that I believe are okay and put the originals away for their adulthood. Our daughter at the age of 5 knows that her mother abused drugs--and that she 'chose not to get help' It is often difficult to help our daughter really understand what is what----the other day I said we needed to go to the drug sotre to pick up some medicine for daddy---she got very upset--- I have had to talk with my daughter and somedays we talk about how much I love her birthmother for loving her--and doing her best--and sometimes we pary for her birthmother that her life gets better and that she is safe tonight.....but, other days I just feel like saying---your mom was a drug user stop glorifying her! What I am saying and the line I plan to use for a very long long time is, "your birthmother had some grown up problems and was not able to take care of you the right way" I am assuming this will be a part of the education process I give our daughter when the time to learn about drugs and even sex takes place......I think it will go either way. I want to face this issue from the view point that my children have the best life they can have and that some choices can last forever. Your birthmother loved you but, her poor choices made it where she did not get to see you growing up.....

My son is everything to me. I love him so much and want to be the best parent possible to him ( :) No different from any other parent!!) At age 18 he'll be able to open his adoption records, if he so chooses. We could take the easy route and simply say that we don't know anything about his family and he can look it up when he's older, but that's the coward's way to go. It would also leave him totally unprepared for his birth-mom's tragedy. I think it would be cruel to let him face this information without any forewarning. So I want to find the best way possible to prepare him, without causing him unnecessary pain. I don't believe burying my head in the sand hoping that I'll never have to tell him anything. I want to be ready as much as is possible. The insights I'm getting here are very helpful and so far have confirmed what I believed all along. My son has a right to know the truth. It's my responsibility to tell him enough, at the appropriate time/age. Whoever his b-mom might be, she produced this beautiful, smart, amazing, lovely boy. I have the privilege of raising him, of seeing him grow up. My hope is that he will be a good man and his b-mom/b-family will know he was raised right. My son has a right to know the truth. It's my responsibility to tell him enough, at the appropriate time/age. Again, thanks for all the help, your comments are constructive and helpful. :) Keep'em coming!

I, too, recommend the book "Telling the Truth." I totally believe in telling the truth, but not going into details until my kids are quite a bit older. My 4yo doesn't need to know that his bmom tried to commit suicide twice while she was pregnant with him, or that she was observed beating him twice in his first 6 months until he is an adult. Or that his bdad is an immature idiot who can't stay away from meth. But he'll know that his mom was ill (even mentally ill when he's a little older) and did not make the right choices that would allow her to be a parent. But I can honestly tell him that they both loved him in their own ways and that they were happy we were able to adopt him, which is true. And my little 2yo doesn't need to know that her bdad was also her stepgrandfather, and that she was born testing positive to meth and pot. But I can tell her how her mom was really young and sick and couldn't parent either. And every time I talk to them about their birthfamilies, I pray to God that I do it the right way! As they get older and ask more specific questions, I'll give them more specific answers. I honestly don't even have that much to say to my little girl - All I know about the parents is what was in the actual hospital birth records.

I agree that you must give age appropriate information in small doses and some things are better left until the child is much older. The 17 month old boy that we are adopting thru foster care will always know he was adopted & that his mom couldn't care for him but loves him. He will not know until he is MUCH older that his mom was a prostitute, doesn't have a clue who his father is, has an extensive criminal record, etc. He will know at an appropraite age that he was born crack addicted because I think that will help him understand problems he has (if he does). Only time will tell & we'll have to decide when the "right time" is to give him this information in a loving, gentle way. GOOD LUCK!