Regarding B-Moms who don't want contact after reunion....

I know the the thread you are talking about.......this is a good extension. My bmom and I are currently working on our relationship. Thank goodness she recently told my 3, 1/2 sibs and they are very sweet and we email all the time. Bmom says they are excited. Anyway, It was very important to me that my bmom tell the kids - A) we are siblings and I thought we should have the chance to know each other and B) telling her kids was a way to show me that she really did want me in her life. She ended up taking 10 months to decide to tell and I just knew that if she didn't tell them soon there was no way that I was going to be able to keep a constant communication relationship going. I needed to know that she wanted me in her family circle....and YES, TOTALLY, if she had not told her kids it would have ended our relationship forever. It made me feel degrated and the least important when she had not told them. Everyone has differnt breaking points and different levels of what they can take.....I will not be her shameful secret any longer.....but....As for today, I am not fully in her family circle - her kids (most importnat) and husband know - but her massive and super close extended family has no idea about me and bmom has told me that she will not tell them about me so I will never be allowed to spend any holidays with her. I am also not allowed to be with them on their personal family time (without extended family) becasue (as bmom told me) this is her husband's family and I am not and will never be a part of that. Sooooooo - this has totally affected the way I think of my bmom and it most certainly has affected what we have and what we may have in the future. For now, I am still in this becasue I want to get to know my siblings and I still have hope that she will make some more room for me in her life???? I think that I have the right to know my extended family....but this would cause too much trouble with bmom and likely my bsibs.....so since bsibs are most important I will not rock the boat. I don't think that my mom has the right to do this but I can undertsnad why she is doing this......she doesn't want to air her secrets or deal with other family issues. One thing that I have noticed with my bmom and a few other reunited adoptees think the same thing about their bmom -- When my bmom made my adoption plan , i was not even born, she didn't know me and i had absloutly no say - this was totally 150% her choice.....in a way bmom still thinks that I am a part of her, someone that she makes life altering decsions for becasue, I think, in some ways, she still feels that this is her right.....like I am still a helpless baby. She had the only say in my adoption then and still wants free reign on anything to do with my adoption. I am having a hard time emplaining this....do you know what I mean?

I personally feel that patience and common courtesy should be extended in establishing any new relationship. I personally don't feel one can demand that another include them, if that is not what is desired by the other party. While I have not been rejected, I had a situation that I could have reacted to in such a manner that it would have disrupted my reunion. I think it relates to your question "rejects your attempts at having an open "let it flow" relationship and for those of you still searching, my question is What do you do when you run into this problem?" I was fortunate that my bioDad has been very receptive to communicating with me with letters. However, I offered to phone last summer but he said he "would rather stick to letters for awhile". I wrote him that I understood and didn't want him to feel pressured in any way and to let me know if/when he did want me to phone. In his last letter he mentioned "when we talk on the phone (we will one day)" so he's obviously thinking about it. If I had reacted with anger and hurt and turned his hesitation about phone calls into being all about me and him rejecting me, I could have blown what is a nice, steady getting to know you situation. Why would I deny him the right to make choices for himself? "What happens when you discover she's not as interested in having you in her family circle but may want phone calls e-mails etc; do you go that route? Does it change your feelings of her? Can you do it her way? Does she have the right to do this?" I personally feel that we all have the right to set boundaries in any relationship. (The book, "Stand Up for Your Life" by Cheryl Richardson has an excellent chapter on setting boundaries). Although we may be biologically connected with our bparents, we are strangers to each other, we have not been an ongoing part of their family and to DEMAND that we be considered the same as children they have shared a lifetime of experiences with is, IMO, unrealistic. A bparent has the right IMO to consider their life and their feelings and set boundaries for themselves as they see fit. Whether the adoptee goes that route and allows it to change their feelings about the bparent is up to each individual adoptee. I personally find it sad when I read of supposedly adult adoptees that are shocked and angry that Daddyand/or Mommy have not fully embraced them as their baby. I've read posts where contact was terminated because the adoptee did not get everything their way. It makes me wonder what is missing in their lives. Perhaps they did not have a good relationship with their adoptive families. I know that as much as it means to me to be communicating with my bioDad and looking at pictures of someone that looks like me for the first time in my life, I will never think of anyone as Dad and Mom except my aparents and would set a boundary myself if it was demanded. "What if other family members are interested?" A half-sister and I exchanged letters a few months after bioDad and I started communicating. We then progressed to emails, then IM and have spoken on the phone once. She too is very respectful of not pressuring my bioDad. (He is not her bioDad, she's half-sister by bioMom but has been close to my bioDad and calls him Uncle). When she first gave me her email she said he was afraid I would stop writing letters and asked me to reassure him that I would continue to write letters. As in any relationship, we can't force someone to feel or act the way we want them to. If having the relationship only the way we want it is more important than having any relationship at all, then that is each individuals choice. JMHO :) P.S. This topic is to me totally different than a bparent refusing to even fill out a medical history form and totally ~ sometimes cruelly ~ rejecting the adoptee.

....to each of you for answering. I worked a 34 hour shift at the clinic and delivered 9 babies, thus making it impossible for me to get back to the boards any faster. I found each of your responses very interesting. As you know I am Tovia's b-mom and it was I who did the initial contact via "snail-mail." I am so glad she didn't reject me and I never had any thoughts of rejecting her. Later in the reunion she became very inappropriate and it caused me to put limits on our interaction, ( for a while) but I never had the desire to hide her and I felt she had every right to get as close to me as she wanted to be. Like FatBirdy's b-mom I also made the arrangements to place her before she was born; and she also had no say in the matter. Where I differ is I no longer think of her as a baby; I value her input and I respect her as an equal. While I have opened my life to her she still has parts of hers that she seperates from me and I can accept her right to do that. While I agree that it does indeed take time to develop a relationship I could never see myself hiding her from anyone else.....MissyM ps>>>>You posted: I needed to know that she wanted me in her family circle....and YES, TOTALLY, if she had not told her kids it would have ended our relationship forever. It made me feel degrated and the least important when she had not told them. Everyone has differnt breaking points and different levels of what they can take.....I will not be her shameful secret any longer.... I don't blame you. IMHO I say if you can't be accepted totally as the child she placed whats the point of reunion? I have never felt this way about Tovia and I wouldn't blame her for ending contact if I had....MissyM

I hope that I do not insult anyone reading my answers. That is truly not my intentions at all. I just chose to be brutally honest. Question: What do you do when you run into this problem? Answer: If I indeed find myself suddenly dealing with this particular situation, I'll deal with it for as long as I can, or want to emotionally. I mean...at some point I'd feel a little exhausted solely catering to the other person's needs while at the same time denying myself of my own. That is...if there is absolutely no way to meet in the middle of what both parties so desire. In my case, I wouldn't be able to be in the "family circle" much anyway, because we live about 1,000 miles apart. Question: What happens when you discover she's not as interested in having you in her family circle but may want phone calls e-mails etc.; do you go that route? Answer: I'd make every attempt to, but I'm not sure how long I'd be willing to abide by these terms. I mean...what about both of our needs? Do the adoptee's needs just not apply? Although, I have to admit...I'd probably try my hardest, but eventually, phone calls & emails may not be enough for me. Question: Does it change your feelings of her? Answer: Honestly? Probably so. I'd always love her, but I'd feel the need to leave the relationship alone at some point. I just don't think I could handle a situation that could possibly leave me feeling unwanted & analyzing nonstop. Question: Can you do it her way? Answer: I'd try. Question: Does she have the right to do this? Answer: Everyone has the right to ask for what they need. As long as they are fully aware that they may be risking an outcome they have not considered, or even that they may be altering what might have been. Question: What if other family members are interested? Answer: I have two brothers & I'd hope to be their big sister forevermore after we reunite in Feb.

Your thoughts closely resemble my own and I really thank you for posting. I also don't think I could be happy tip-toeing around my daughters feelings for long. As I stated once in reunion she did some things that caused me to stop seeing her { used my Visa, spent $1,500 without permission, cut the rag top of my Benz, sent a certified letter to the hospital admin. where I worked saying I abused her daughter, a charge they were forced to investigate.etc.} things that I would have stopped seeing anyone but God Himself for doing. It wasn't a personal rejection of her and had nothing to do with her being adopted. My initial response was to cut off contact and stop her abuse; later I paid for her to attend therapy and resolve the issues that drove her to this behavior. We are once again on solid ground. I still have a problem with b-moms who limit interaction after reunion has occured. While others may object IMO if I don't say "back-off" to the kids I raised then I have no right saying it to her.....MissyM

I cannot even begin to tell you how much respect I have for you! I have no idea how you were able to move past the things your daughter did to you, but I admire you as a person for being able to do so. How old was she when these acts occurred? Just curious. How old is she now? I find myself being able to relate to birthmothers quite often. Also it seems to be just as much or more so than adoptees. I have no idea why, but I presume there is some reason lying within.

Katie, I have to say --- DITTO --- to everything that you said!!! Missy, I too also thank you for being such a great and understanding MOTHER. Thanks for speaking your mind and being a great example to other bmom's out there.

Katie & FatBirdy....Ahhhh; you guys are so kind! Thanks! To answer, Tovia is 31 years old and we reunited when she was 29, so she did this stuff within the last 2 years. I moved past the bad things because I was determined to stick with her unconditionally. I had no choice; it didn't matter if I'd met a Supreme Court Judge when I "found" her or someone in need of a judge. I simply knew that this was my child and I felt she had to be in a lot of pain to inflect so much pain on someone she didn't know. In short, Tovia was emotionally abused by her a-mom and sexually abused by her a-moms 2nd husband after her a-dad died. Her life was not great by anyones standards. Her a-mom moved in with various men for money after her a-dad died. Also, when she and I reunited her 3 siblings came along to the resturant in seperate cars. All are college educated, each drove nice cars, all but 1 lived in nice homes ( her sister Kia won't move!!!) and each offered to pay for the meal with their Visa's. She then hated me for (in her words) "If you placed me to give me a better life you failed; the kids you kept were better off than I ever was." She felt I "hand-picked" her for misery. No wonder she hated me. The implication was that I put her in danger. I understood her pain. I didn't accept her behavior, but I heard her cry for help. I still hear it at times; and her cry tears at my heart in a way that no amount of damage ever will. Tovia is not a bad seed; she is a CPA in a large law firm and she is a wonderful person, but even if she were a certified crack head, I'd love and accept her, b/c she is mine. She had no clue of the person I was at 16 when she was born. It was her placement that motivated me to change for the better. It has taken months of therapy to help both of us understand that while she has baggage I did not pack those bags. She had anger and I had guilt. We're processing our way out of that, but its not always easy; still, just can't let her go. I love her. BTW: I am Black as is Tovia; my d/h is White and her siblings are....the rainbow coalition; so her issues with feeling personally rejected were multiplied. The fact that no one else seemed to relate to her pain meant that I had to find a way to do it. Enough of my story! Thanks for your replys and your comments...MissyM

I have 4 kids who beg to differ! They feel I am straight out of the stone age and/or Twilight Zone. Thanks for your warmth....MissyM

Missy, I can so relate to your daughter! As much as I am a grown woman with a respectable job, I too feel the agony of being "hand picked for misery". Although my life has been good the past couple years, I can say it was hell before that. I too was adopted into an abusive family and was out on the streets by the time I was 15. After having my first child, I sought out my birthmother to tell her that my child had a heriditary terminal genetic illness that was unbeknownst to me. At the age of 21 years old with a two year old, I guess I was searching for acceptance and unconditional love. Somehow I thought that it might make up for that I had lacked in my life, but all I found was much much more heartache! She also had a son with the same disease who would eventually die a few years before my child did. 12 years after our reunion, I still have conflicting emotions about my bmother. Some days I just say forget about it, she's not worth it.....so what she won't tell her other daughter about me...... Missy, you brought me to tears in this statement. I truly understand your daughter's agony. You are so brave to face the pain with, and for her. I wish that someone would try to understand me that way. I am currently in a relationship with my bfather and he can't even talk about any tough issues. I become so disheartened everytime he turns away when I try and reach out. I know he doesn't mean it, I guess he just can't work through his own baggage and take a risk in being there for me. I have been through the same things as your daughter and I feel the need to talk to my father about the same things that I'm sure your daughter talks about with you, but I just don't think that he has it in him to give. He would rather say, lets leave it in the past..can't change it, so why talk about it. In regards to your original questions about boundries being put around the reunion. I was in that situation for 12 years with my bmother. She called all the shots. I can count on one hand the number of times that she called me. I only had 2 face to face encounters with her and to this day, she has never told her daughter about me. She never called me when my 1/2 brother died from the same disease that took my sons life. How has this made me feel over the course of the past 12 years? I have felt worthless in her eyes. I have excruating pain over the fact that my bmother can't even acknowledge my existence. I have extreme anger at her selfishness where my 1/2 sister is concerned. Her lack of interest in myself and her lack of information regarding my medical and geneological history has made me feel like she woulld have rather aborted me (which I'm sure she would have, if you ask her now). I am extremely angry that she put me in the postion where I have to decide whether or not I should contact my 1/2 sister or my grandparents and all the confusion that causes me. I am devastated that my mother could not show some strength and intregity...and still I have empathy for her and all that she has lost. Missy, you should be proud that you have been able to hear your daughter's cry for help.....or even just her cry. That is all we really want. We don't want anyone to fix us or our past, we just want someone to hear it and cry with us...if only for awhile. You have great strength to step up to the plate the way you have. Your daughter is very lucky that she has you. tlee

From someone who was met with a birthmom who was unable to emotionally accept contact, I thought I would try to answer your questions, although I think maybe they are designed more for someone who had at least SOME contact..... What do you do when you run into this problem? What happens when you discover she's not as interested in having you in her family circle..... I suppose first you do a lot of soul searching -- you grieve -- and then you accept it. Like it or not, when you are the "searcher" the burden of acceptance falls on you. I sought out my birthmom, and she didn't want to be found. When you run into a situation like that, what else can you do but respect the other person's wishes. You can't force someone to want to know you.... Does it change your feelings of her? Not at all. If anything, I think I have a deeper appreciation for my birthmother after living with this situation for over a year. From what I know about her, she's pretty much been a "timid" person all of her life....not really having much to say for herself. The fact that she was able to stand up for herself, and say "no" to something (especially something of this magnatude) she wasn't comfortable with makes me feel proud of her. I know there was a lot of pressure from her husband, trying to convince her that she needed to see me, and she still found the courage to speak up. She didn't want this.....she didn't feel that contact was something she could handle. I applaud her for not caving to the pressure, or doing something because she felt "guilted" into it. If she had accepted contact with me out of some sense of guilt or because others pushed her into it, what kind of relationship would we have had? It would have only made things more painful, in the end, for me. Can you do it her way? Absolutely -- it's her choice. I was the one doing the "seeking" -- she didn't come looking for me. I did write to her once, after she requested no contact, but I did so to reassure her that I would be honoring her request. Her request came to me from a thrid party, and I never had the chance to let her know that Iunderstood. I never had the chance to tell her all the things that I wanted to, so I wrote her one letter.....and it will be the only one I write. Does she have the right to do this? Of course she does. She relinquished me almost 40 years ago.....she didn't come looking for me. I had the right to reach out, but she had just as much right to say "no". What if other family members are interested? My aunt was interested in contact at the time my CI called my birthmom, but because my birthmom said "no", the state was unable to provide my aunt with any information. Later, I located my aunt, on my own, and she was happy to hear from me, but also felt that contact with me would be betraying her sister's wishes, so she, too denied contact. She set me up with my cousin, who was able to provide me with some insight into my birthfamily's dynamics, and also some pictures. It was a strained relationship, tho.....how could it not be? She wasn't allowed to tell me a lot of things, and we had to constantly "hide".....eating lunch out of town where no one could see us together.......she couldn't talk about me at home because her daughter and my birthsister's son are close, and everyone was afraid my sister would somehow find out about me.....it was just too hard. After I wrote the letter to my mom, my cousin cut contact -- and I understand that, as well. It's an unchoreographed dance, that's for sure...... Lots of toes get stepped on along the way, but eventually, we work thru it all! Hugs, Sally

...you are incrediably sensitive and understanding! I can't imagine having arrived at such a peaceful state on one hand but on the other I do. I admire you, and I so enjoy your posts. I have a friend {guy} who impregnated his college sweetheart {both were age 19} and at her request provided the $$ for an abortion which she DID NOT have; having given birth and placed her daughter instead; without his knowledge. Last year he discovered he has a 24 year old child who doesn't want to see or have contact with him ever. He is devistated BUT able to see it from her point of veiw. He says that even though he didn't ignore her as she thinks he did he provided what he thought were the funds to end her life. He admires her for standing her ground. Thank you for posting. >>>MissyM