Birthmom problem??

I'm assuming at this point that a TPR has been completed for your child's bmom and that TPR has been handled for any unknown Bdad, correct? Either way, I'd do a couple of things: 1. Arrange for counseling to be available to this young lady and her family. They are grieving. 2. Suggest you get together to create some ground rules or agreed upon actions in your open adoption so everyone understands their roles & responsibilities. This includes things like phone calls, visits, letters, etc. Use an experienced adoption coordinator or moderator or a religous leader as a third party if that helps. 3. If you haven't done TPR yet with bdad or have gotten termination through any unknown bdad, I'd suggest getting bdad's name and contact info to your attorney and allowing them to handle. I'd definitely be proactive and initiate some direct contact. What you're being told may not be the entire story with this young man, and he may not be getting the entire story either. Lastly, you might want to get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight for her thoughts on this. She's an experienced adoption educator. I've found her posts here and elsewhere are always insightful. You can google the name to get her contact info. Best of luck, Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Hi Thank you for your reply We did not get TPR as ** gave a sworn statement that she did not know the identity of BF and I'm told that is usually good enough for where we live. ** will not diclose the identity of the BF to us or the adoption agency. Our lawyer has formally requested this information and it has not been given. No BF has stepped forward and registered with the registry. Yes we did get her set-up to have a social worker and I am sure that she has been talking to her. (Her mom is not supportive of the decision and ** has estranged herself from her immediate family - she lived with the social worker for a few days and the went back home and now she is living with a distant relative.) We don't have an open agreement, in fact all the paper signed are for a closed agreement. One of the reasons that the ** chose us is that we are as far away from her as she could place the baby. ** is on the east coast and we are in Canada on the west coast. ** wanted nothing to do with this baby originally. I am very glad that she is interested in him but I just don't see the need to talk to her a few times a week. ** just cries and says the same things. I find it emotionally draining. I understand that she has substaincial pain but she does need to move on even a little. (She would like to come up here and stay with us for a while - what would I do with her up here, but how do you say no to a sobbing girl 19yrs old) I guess I didn't think it would be so complicated, other people I know don't run into all these birth mom problems. Thank you for listeming Carol

Hi Carol, I'd consult with your attorney on the legal issues, ask if they should send a letter to bgrandma asking for bdad info and if she doesn't surrender, then leave it alone, or something like that. Just want to be sure they cover all the bases completely. As far as bmom, if she signed her termination of rights and any waiting period is expired, she has really no legal recourse to reclaim. We're in a fully open adoption with Ryan's bfamily. At first, contact was very frequent, especially as his bparents grieved. As time goes by, we talk less frequently, though still make it a point to touch base every month or so. They love their son, are very happy that he's doing well. They don't seem to have the need though to hear as often. This is still very 'new' for your son's bmom, hormones are still raging and the pain is still fresh. It doesn't ever go away, though she will with time heal and learn coping mechanisms. In the meantime, I'd suggest first talking with her SW about your feelings and concerns. Maybe consider setting up regular times to talk, maybe once every other week. If she calls in between then, tell her polietly that you're not able to talk now, but are looking forward to your next scheduled call. As far as coming to stay with you, given her current situation, I'd advise against them for now. She's in pain, having lots of living arrangement/family issues, this I don't see as something that will help her at all, though she might think so. A couple of times when Ryan's bmom's living situations have gotten 'dicey', she's hinted that she wants to come visit & stay with us. We've always declined, though in a very polite way. In the future, perhaps, you might want to meet her someplace for vacation, or she might come and visit, staying in a hotel. I wouldn't 100 % close that door forever. Since this is now semi-open, I'd recommend reading The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Molina if you haven't already. She gives some very good insights and thoughts. Best of luck, it's difficult at times. You're a good Mom though wanting to do what's best for your son and the woman who gave him life. Someday your son may thank you for keeping this contact so he can have access to his bio history. God forbid, someday you might just need that bio connection for medical treatment. This, too, shall pass. IMHO Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Carol, A woman that is has decided to place her first born child for adoption makes a major decision without having any idea how powerful maternal instincts can be after giving birth. It has nothing to with logic, and everything to do with raw emotion and grief over giving up her child. That is part of the reason the final TPR's aren't signed until after birth. I know you didn't mean to, but you're comment "I find it emotionally draining. I understand that she has substaincial pain but she does need to move on even a little" does comes across sounding a little insensitive. Kinda like "I held up my end of the bargain, why isn't she?". I can't tell you what to do, but I would patiently try to reinforce her confidence about her decision. If you can see your way clear to a visit, perhaps it would help her to see you with the baby. The two of you will have a life long connection through your child whether you like it or not. If it were me, I would go the extra to try and make sure it starts off as well as possible. I wish you luck. Trish