Birthparents Visits Long Term

Hi Deborah... My advice, as someone with two children where we have "wide open adoptions" with their birth families... the sooner you start practicing what you want to say, the better. You'd be surprised how much a 3 or 4 year old understands in the realm of adoption. No, they don't get the deep issues or complex nuances... but they can be told from a very young age how much you wanted them, and how thankful you are for their birth mother (and give her name) because she chose you as the family to raise him. In my opinion, there is no "appropriate" age to start talking about adoption... the sooner the better. Not just so the child gets used to hearing the terminology and names and such, but so that you get more and more comfortable with talking about it to him. Our children are extremely well adjusted. Both know their birth parents by their first names, and they understand that though in most families babies are born from the mommy in that family's "tummy". They understand that in our family, Mama's "tummy" just didn't work and wasn't able to carry babies and so we chose to adopt children. Of course keep things in an age/child appropriate level... but don't assume that because a child is a certain age, that they are too young to start understanding adoption and what it means to them. Understanding adoption is a life long journey... there is never one talk that will ever answer all the questions or quell all the fears or concerns... at each stage as the child comes more and more to being the person they are meant to be, their adoption changes in focus and importance. Preparing them ahead of time with your well practiced comfort regarding all aspects of their adoption and their birth families will go a long way to making sure that child feels safe in coming to you to share how they are feeling. :)

I agree with talking about it right away. My son was 2.5 when he understood reproduction and understood that he was "in there" (as he pointed to a picture of my pregnant belly.) We had a scrapbook for him with pictures of me pregnant, pictures at the hospital, pictures of his first day home, etc. It was all very normal for him. It still is. He is 19 and our relationship is comfortable and normal.

As my dd is only 23 months old, I can't answer personally. But my cousin has two sons, ages 12 and 15, whom she adopted at birth. They have seen their bfamily at least once a year since they were born and they each handle it differently. The oldest is very matter-of-fact about it, the youngest has some issues around it. Each child will be different. As dd's comprehension levels about what adoption is grows, I think that continuing to see her birth family will reinforce the facts in her mind and help reduce the fantasy thinking. Right now I just say occasionally, "I'm so glad we adopted you! I love being your Mommy!" and we look at pictures of M's bmom and say, "Babies grow in their mommies' tummies and before you came to live with us, you grew in H's tummy. She is your tummymom."

Makareina, I really liked all you had to say AGAIN. LOL! I think mainly because you and I think so much alike. I too think it is never too early. My sons aparents have 4 other adopted kids besides my son and so it is a household word, not something taboo or shameful or a secret. They have used the word around him since he was born and he is so smart and so well adjusted. Sounds like you have a wonderful family w/ an adoption that is viable and cohesive. I like that in you. Sounds like it works for everyone involved. Do you also get to see the birthfather ? Hugs and blessings to you and yours!

As the mother of one biological daughter (her father does not live in our home) and one adoptive son, I've learned that being open with our children about their "story" from day one has been our best approach. My daughter, now 18, knew that she was always wanted and although I was a single professional when she was born, she was planned and dreamed about, even before conception. Our son has always known his story as well, and as soon as he could talk, would answer my question, "who was your mommy before you were born?" ( K, my birthmom) and "who was your mommy after you were born? (mommy). "Where were did you grow before you were born?" (in mommy's heart; in Kristen's tummy). Now, as we await our next baby, our son, who is now 7, will remind me, "Is our baby still growing in your heart? Is it going to be born to your arms soon?" "How about born to MY arms?" he asked the other day. Being "natural" about these parts of our children's stories helps them know they have answers. As each of my children grow, they have more sophisticated questions, but I know that my answers are still the truth. Having our daughter's father in our lives hasn't always been easy, but it also hasn't diminished me as a mother; in fact, it's made me be a stronger role model to our daughter, as I am her constant and never-wavering parent. Having our son's birthmom (and birthdad) in our lives has allowed him to know his story and know how much he was and is loved by so many people in his life.

That part about your son asking if "our baby is still growing in your heart" -- too too cute! He must think your heart is really big....lol! I do! :) and the last portion of what I included above... I think the same way, so do my sons aparents. There is no such thing as too many people loving the adoptee. :)