Reunions gone wrong

Hi Your'e lucky you getting contact from your B-Brother I get nothing from any of my so called B-Family.I starting to click with people search for there B-familys now to try and find out what they are like and what life could have been like.I probably didn't set out to search for those reasons as I feel that would have tourted myself. B-mom did say I would have liked all my family save it not interested in if's buts and maybes. I agree with what you said about the buying you stuff all the time my mother in law is like that with everyone, its dammed annoying because all the kids expect it.I don't think I was prepared as what I could have been but who knows how do you prepare for emontial crap like this. If you get good contact from your B-mom then consider your self lucky and move on.

Hi I am a birthmother and this is my first time visiting this site. i am reading your stories and I just feel so bad. I loved my daughter with everything I had and that is why i chose adoption for her since I was only 15. 4 months she will be 18 and I would love to meet her. I guess I am just waiting to see if she wants to see me. I am sorry to hear that some of your experiences havent gone so well. :)

I would like to say Thank you for all the great response's. I just had to vent about my feelings in Reunion's. I mean I always here the good about the reunions and how they are so great...I just figured I would tell my Not so happy REUNION. To this day it is still bad. I basically told my Biological father he is now dead to me. He basically told me he can not answer questions I have that are back 30 years. He told me, that I need to get on with my life and forget about it. Forget about it. I am 32 and I can remember 30 years ago.....He cant I wont accept that. To me he is no longer my father. This hurt me so much, he called me the other day mad that I wrote him that letter. He goes this is your dead dad...I go oh yeah you got that right....now that I say that he wants to be a part of me.....no thanks. I can learn to forgive an forget but when he cant put any effort I have to wonder is it really worth it. He needs to grow up and be a man, his childern have questions and his come back is he cant answer thirty years ago....WOW~ I have 3 sister's out there somewhere, we dont even get a chance to know one another because he dont want to bring up the past.....well to me we deserve the chance to meet and make that choice not them! Well thank you again, and to all good luck in all you decide to do about your Bio logical members...Be strong..and dont let them get you...much love Broken_ Heart31

Hi broken Hearted I know that having little or no information from your birthfather is very dissappointing, but have you thought that he maybe just does not have much to tell you?? Or maybe, like many birthmother's he has blocked it out? In my experience with my birthfather, I have found that he didn't have much information to share about my birth because he honestly didn't know much. Have you thought about that? I just don't want you to assume that he's witholding information because it may not be the case. I also want to point out to you that men have a very different way of communicating their thoughts and feelings. Many men have great difficulty showing how they feel and expressing their emotions. This is not just limited to reunions, so you might want to look at how your father interacts with his other children. I have known my father for about a year and half and it's been a real eye opener to try and look from his perspective. There are many times when communications and actions get misconstrued because we both lack the understanding of how each other is wired. Often times, I still don't really understand his actions. Sometimes, I second guess how he feels because his actions and words seem so different, but I'm trying to trust that no matter what/ how I intrepret something that I know he loves me and that his intentions are good...no matter how it looks. I honestly think that you should try and give this relationship a chance. I know that you are angry, I can tell by your words, and that is completely normal. I have had anger off and on (sometimes very intense anger where I have lashed out) and it's hard to try and work through it. I think you need to be honest with your father. If you need to hear something from him, tell him you need to hear it. If you want answers about something and you think he's "putting you off", you need to tell him how you feel. Most men will shy away from this, but sometimes it is the only way to open up to each other. My father is definately not a very open person, but when I feel the need, I push the issues and make my feelings known to him. Sometimes he ok with it, sometimes not. It is those times when he's NOT ok with it that I need to respect that and try not to read more into it. It's a hard process, but if you truly love your father and want this relationship it takes a ton of hard work!

Just wondering if anyone could offer any advice: I met my birthmother almost 10 years ago. We had a total of two meetings, one at the agency that handled the adoption and one at her house where I met her husband and my two half sisters (kdg and preschool-aged at the time). Shortly after the visit at her home, I became pregnant myself. She freaked out and told me I was just repeating her mistakes and she couldn't be a part of my "complicated life." I haven't heard from her since (oh, yeah, she did send me a package for my son after he was born and a Christmas card that year, but that's it). My birthfather and I have only talked on the phone, but shortly after our first few conversations, he informed me, by mail, that he couldn't talk to me anymore either (knowing nothing about my pregnancy) because his wife felt threatened by our "relationship." Ok, so fast forward, I sent him a graduation announcement from college (just so he'd know I had, indeed, made something of my life) but no response. I sent one to my birthmom, but it came back as undeliverable. She must have forgotten to tell me she moved. What's left for me to do? I want to be respectful of their wishes, but it's hard because I know exactly where at least one of them is and I have an idea of the other, and I know I have siblings that are old enough to have a relationship with me now, but they may not even know about me. So I don't want to hurt them, either. Or their views of their mother and/or father. Has anyone gone through anything like this?

Hello my situation is alot like your's but different in a way! I was given away at 7 lived in and out of foster homes from age 5 to 7. I did not know who my parents were. I did although remember where I had lived...being I knew this much at the age of 20 I was out to find my Birth parents. With that, I did find my bio father. Did it go well. Well it did until he asked me to call my Bio mother. I did this upon his request and all I got was hurt! All she told me is she hates me and she wishes I was dead....talk about hurt! I have not talked to her since. That has been about 15 years ago. As for him, that is another story! Are you on Yahoo messenger by any chance would love to talk you... peekaboo_icu32 is my handle please email me okay! glenda@smig.net

Thanks for your post. I'm not on Yahoo messenger, sorry. I had really hoped for more responses. Is the board typically this quiet? I had read some of your other posts, I think, before posting my own. Actually, I do believe your situation is probably more difficult in that your birth parents turned out to be quite less than you'd expected. Mine weren't that hostile, so I'm not sure you can actually address my concern. But I am sympathetic to your situation. I wish you well, and I do know that sometimes those doors are best left closed. I've come to that realization only after a couple of relationships that ended badly and I couldn't figure out why and I pressed for answers when I really should have just picked myself up, dusted myself off and went on with the day to day. And I'm at ease about those relationships now. So, best of wishes to you in this long, strange journey of life. I hope you find peace with your birthparents, in whatever form it takes.

Hello thank you for your fast Reply. I will tell you this. If you have brothers/sisters...try your hardest to find them. I feel it is not there fault and it is not our fault. They are still our siblings..and we have the right to know them with or without approval of the Bio Parents. To let you know, I have closed a big chapter of my life....My Bio life is now Closed until further Investigation..thank you for your kind words. I have learned to let the past be the past and live for what God has given me...My family! Good luck on your journey! Yes the board is this quiet...Best of luck to you! Glenda

[font=Arial]I was born in July of 1953 in Berlin Germany. My mother was 23 years old and engaged to an American soldier, who was 26 years old back then.

When my father had to leave Germany, my mother decided not to go with him and they split up.

When I was 2 years old my mother gave me to foster parents, who adopted me when I was 12 years old.

All I knew about my father was his name, birthdate and I had a picture of him and a few pictures that show him and me.

When I was in my 30's I began thinking of my father, what he would look like, if he remembered me and where he might be. My mother didn't give me much information and my adopted parents passed away long time ago, so I was pretty much on my own. It didn't take me long to find him, thanks to an organization that spezialises in cases like this.

It was in 1992 when I finally had my father's address and knew he was married since 1956 and had two sons. I was still living in Berlin/Germany at that time.

I wrote him a letter and sent those old pictures, but he never responded. I contacted a support group in his area and was lucky, that one of the members was a coworker of one of my brother's wife. I got my brother's address and wrote him, he responded within a few weeks, sent me a picture of his family, but the contact broke off again. A few years later I wrote him again. It was some time in 1997 when we started writing emails almost every day. I learned a lot about the family, but obviously he was unable to talk to our father about me. I learned my father had received my letter and the pictures and seemed very interested in me, but his wife did not allow him to contact me.

I urged my brother to tell my other brother about me, hoping he would change our father's mind.

At the end of 1997 he told his younger brother about me and he immidiately contacted me via email. He was very exited, told me he always wished to have a sister and said he could not believe that all of a sudden he even had a German sister, which he thought was especially exiting, since he was married to a German woman. Our computers were running hot, we emailed back and forth a few times a day. I felt welcome in his family and we made plans to talk on the phone in the near future. He said he just needed time to prepare himself for this exiting moment and would probably not get a word over his tongue and I told him my English wasn't good enough for a conversation on the phone. I used a dictionary for almost every word I wrote in my emails to him. But the day came that he called and we both did not say anything until his wife stepped in and started the conversation in German and translated back and forth between him and me.

Shortly after that in spring of 1998 we made plans to meet each other, my brother thought of a visit in Berlin, but could not work it out with his work schedule so he invited me over to America in June. He would take all his vacation time, his children would be on summer vacation and he planned on spending all the time with me and even a family vacation in Myrtle Beach.

I purchased my ticket and arrived in America in June of 1998. Both my brothers picked me up at the airport, it was a very warm welcome, but very little talking due to the language problems. At my brother's house it was a lot easier, his wife talked German with me and translated.

The next day I learned that my brother wasn't able to take his vacation and he also had a landscaping business with his wife and they were busy all day and left me alone in their house. The children went to their summer sports events and I was sitting alone in a beautiful Southern style house, not knowing what to do. My sister in law is a flight attendant and on my third day there, she had to go to work. A soon as she was gone my brother took me and the children out to the mall, shopping, to the Zoo and for dinner and we had a real good time. At home he showed me all his family pictures and for the first time since I was a little child I saw pictures of my father. But my brother never took me to his house or contacted him.

When my sister in law came back from work they took me to her parents, her mother is German and we had, what I thought was a good conversation. She asked me about my mother and I told her the whole story. Somehow my sister in law must have misunderstood parts of this conversation, because from that day on, she quit talking to me, blamed me for coming to America just to get money from my father and tried to get rid off me. Things turned ugly, my brother seemed unable to negotiate and they finally dropped me off at my other brother's house. We kept trying to find out what had upset my sister in law, my brother called his brother over for a serious talk, but all he said was "I don't know" and that he didn't know why his wife was so upset and he was sorry, but they had a fight about me and he didn't want to ruin his marriage and I could not come back to his house.

I had a few more days with my other brother and his family, days that I would never want to miss in my life, but then they decided I better went back to German instead of staying for at least 6 month if not for good, instead of staying and trying to work it out.

I was devastated, felt like paralized, but unable to change things or work them out, I simply had to leave.

It was like the end of the world for me. Members of the family stepped in and tried to find out what had happened, but the only thing we found out was that my father knew I was there, but his wife did not let him see me and let everybody know that there was no room for "this woman from Germany".

Back in Germany my life was not the same anymore. I was not allowed to talk to my younger brother and the other one quit writing after a while.

Since then I kept writing cards for Christmas and once in a while I got a Christmas card from my older brother's wife, but did not hear anything from them for a long time.

It's now 2005 and I am living in the US as a permanent resident. I am married to a wonderful man for over 5 years.

I always kept my family informed about changes in my life, so they know I'm not in Germany anymore, they know I'm married, they know my address, but it seems to be impossible to keep in touch with them.

A few nights ago I had this intense dream which leads me to write all this down. My younger brother came to me in my dream, we were very close and he told me he loves me.

I woke up and can't forget this dream since that night and I realize that I have never gotten over this whole thing and I need to do something. But I don't know what.

For years I tried to forget, I tried to accept that this family does not want me in their lives, but deep inside I hope it's not true, I want them to want me. I want them in my life, I want them to be part of my life and I want to be part of their life.

I did not even tell my husband about this dream, he always told me to forget them and to give it up, but I can't.

Any suggestions?

[/font]

I always hate when someone says "You NEED to do this..." because it's as if they've stepped in and are trying to run things for you. Nobody knows your situation better than you. However, having said that, if it were me, this is what I'd do: I would keep up with letting them know where you are and then leave the rest up to them. The fact that you've done that already and that they DO know where you are is very telling. Sometimes, I guess that seeing us again reminds them of the situation they left us in and they probably regret it and have never really dealt with it properly. At least that's the feeling I got from my reunion and my subsequent pregnancy. My birth mother even went so far as to tell me that it seemed I was determined to make her same mistakes. So, I guess there does come a time when we do have to let go and just see what happens. You're doing the right thing, I don't think that "forcing" yourself on your brothers or even your father is a good idea. Just wait. It's hard, I know. If you need to vent, use this thread. I plan to.

hi i am a birth mother this is my first visit, reading your stories make me sad . i searched for my son for 17 years with no luck in finding him ,but in 2002 my son found me it was good at first we phoned and wrote,then the silence started in jan 04 i got a lettresaying he hasn't excluded me from his life but he has no place for me i have haerd nothing since, but when we mwt he did ask if i had a will. very sad b/mum

Your birth mother's adoption experience might have been a highly selfless, loving act purely for your betterment. Unfortunately you cannot know that. Be careful to assume and rate her actions - including how she responds to you x-years later. You do not know therefore it is healthier for you to accept the fact that you are uncertain, but hopeful that her decisions (back then and recent) were out of selfless sacrificial love. If you hold this belief then you will not upset yourself - since she is not here to clarify that for you.

I am new to this site. My response email did not go to the intended person.

The reason you are getting very upset is that you are telling yourself 'a woman absolutely should not place her baby for adoption!' The fact is that birth mothers place their babies - their own flesh and blood - for adoption frequently. To accept that fact, you need to first reduce your demand that it absolutely should not happen when it clearly absolutely is happening.

enjoy your life - this thread is from 2004 and the last post was in 2005. Kind regards, Dickons