aaargh! someone asked me THE question

LOL I have been asked that question, luckily just ONCE! We were at a McDonald's & the girl waiting on us commented on how cute my AA daughter was. Then she asked IT, "Are you her Grandma?" I about died! LOL I said, "No, I'm her Mother." She said, "No really" LOL I said, "YES really, she is my daughter" She just stared at me for what seemed like forever with this stupid grin on her face like I was teasing her. Then I said, "REALLY! She is MY daughter. I'm HER Mother!" I was alittle irratated at this point because she was still not believing me. Like she never thought that I adopted her, she must have thought I was telling her I gave birth to her! LOL I took my food & just left her still looking at me all crazy! LOL Deb

Oh, Deb, that's funny. Well, not funny, but you know what I mean. If the woman at the pharmacy had responded like the girl at McDonald's, I probably would've lost my last shred of equanimity and grabbed the nearest box of Dora bandages and tossed 'em at her.

Bert my husband is 52. Our children range from 12 to 2. He was asked for the first time last week if our youngest was his grandson. He laughed and said no, its his son. The guy that asked then explained he had 8 grandkids and was only 51. Yikes!!! Lisa

Just found this thread and wanted to comment on something that happened a few years ago with my adaughter. We were at a new beauty salon, I was having my hair cut and had my daughter with me, she was about 6 years old at the time, she always chatted with anyone who would listen. My bio son is 18 years older than our adaughter...we basically left it up to our daughter to tell strangers if she was adopted or not, you know kinda left the ball in her court..anyhow she was chatting with this woman who was waiting to have her hair done, and talking about her older brother who was 18 years older, and the fact that she was an aunt to her 4 year old niece, well, the woman looks straight at me and asks ""Was she a midlife mistake?" right in front of my daughter.....of course I was shocked....and smiled sweetly and said "No, of course she wasn't she was a pure gift from God, I would never call my child a mistake". LOL..needless to say this woman blushed and apologized for her inappropriate remark. It was worth the look on her face, I think sometimes people just don't think before they speak.

Kathleen, it sounds like you have friendly and diplomatic coworkers, at least! ... Has anyone else run into people POLITICIZING their adoption decision-making? It was not always directly verbalized, but it seemed like our decision to adopt, and specifically to adopt internationally, was treated as a political declaration that people had a right to respond to, ranging from one woman telling me it was un-American for us to adopt overseas since we have waiting children here; to another smirking about how much faster her sister accomplished her domestic adoption in our home state, to another telling me that as a Caucasian, I would not understand a minority child and had no rightӔ to adopt one (she later very graciously apologized, and I respect that she gave it so much thought!). To some people (obviously, the issue was feeding some external agenda on their part) we were spending too much money in order to show off our affluence (RIIIIIIGHT ;-) ), or as a way of wearing our liberalismӔ on our sleeves We had to consider the source, a lot Ŗ most had never been to a third-world country and seen the multitude of street children. Their remarks were nonetheless upsetting, particularly when waiting for our first and not being sure how she would be accepted here.

Foxl It swings both ways. I have had people who adopted internationallly actually make dispariging remarks about domestic adoption and open adoption. "You can't trust birthparents, you are never really the parents, you just want someone who looks like you" When I speak up they and say I have two such adoptions, they become flustered and apologize all over themselves. I think there are predjudices and generalizations everywhere, even within the adoption community. Lisa

While we've had people ask us "Why India?" I've always taken it to be out of curiousity and not criticism. Before our daughter came home I'd answer sincerely with pros and cons about the coutry's policy. Now I just say, "Because that's where our daughter was!" If anything, we got unwarranted praise for providing a home to an orphan. We got a lot of "she's a lucky girl." In reality, we're the lucky ones and we say so. In truth, the only time I've felt criticized for adopting overseas has been here on these forums. At least then, it's usually by people who _are_ doing something wonderful--adopting from foster care. I'm cracking up at the thought of adopting to show off our affluence -- Gosh, buying a BMW would have been sooo much easier! And if I wanted to wear my liberalism on my sleeve, I'd get a bumper sticker! Wow, foxl, you know some real cynics!

I had kind of the opposite happen this summer. It was cute and flattering so I'll tell it. I'm 40 and have an 11 year old son. My husband was previously married and has 2 grown sons, and an 8 year old grandson, well of course I'm grandma to my grandson, we took both boys to Disney this summer. We were at one of the restaurants and my grandson asked for another soda, the waiter said you better ask your Mom before you order another one. My grandson appalled at the waiter thinking I was his mother, said in a very loud voice "that's not my Mom that's my grandma". Well, the waiter looked at me looked at him, and said "well I have to say you don't look like any grandmother I've ever seen". LOL I still feel like a million bucks whenever I think about it. I hope when we adopt our daughter I won't be mistaken for a grandmother all the time that would defiantly burst my bubble. Victoria

Hi, I have had a number of interesting comments but never thought much about them. Lots of indian children are raised by their grandparents, so it felt normal to adopt our little guy at 48 and 42 years old. Prior to that we had adopted our "older" kids who I am 38 and 39 years older than. Fortunately for me, I work with people who had their bio kids in that age range so was in the "older" parent range at school but fairly normal at work. With this last adoption, I have been doing my best to look younger but my age is catching up with me as well. I had one young man who couldn't really speak english, ask me lots of questions at the state fair. It brought me down a little but then I thought about how good a home we have for our little guy and soon forgot about it. At one time we had 3 kids 5, 6, and 7. A lady told me, "You were pregnant for 3 years!" I just laughed. Another person told me that my little guy was a late life surprise, because of the 10 year difference between he and his older sibs. That made me laugh also. My son finally knows how old I am. I have kept it on a need to know basis. My daughter once told me that she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I think it was more of an attachment thing but she does have young aunts who dress much differently than I . The boys seem much less concerned about such things. I agree with Roxanne also, I think people just want to interact. I have found out things about people in conversation which were unusual and unexpected. Usually they share these things after speaking for awhile. I almost never ask a direct question and figure if people don't share, then it is none of my business.

Lisa, WOW! I cannot imagine anyone who has given thought at ALL to adoption, saying such a thing. But then, I cannot believe some of the things I ahve heard with my own ears, either! I hope you are enjoying your kids, as I enjoy mine!

Get over it, wait until you go into the kindergarden class and the kids ask you the same thing and refer to you as the old mom. What are you going to do? Like I said to the kids, Moms come in all shapes sizes colors and ages. Indeed I am the old mom, but this old mom shows up more often than those young moms. Relax, enjoy, your an older Mom. cc

Last year I went into first grade meet the parent night and I kept looking at the one father - and then I realized he was a friend of oldest son (24). :)

Hi ShoshanaWell, this is just the beginning! As mentioned on another post, wait until you get to school! Early years may not be that big a problem, but wait until high school! You'll have to develop a much thicker skin, I'm afraid. "Don't people think before they open their mouths?" 'Fraid not! In this day of self-expression and lack of taboos as far as what is socially acceptable behaviour and topics of discussion, it seems that all bets are off and no one seems to censor themselves about anything anymore.Many people are curious and may speak before they think. People with disabilities come across this their whole lives with people gawking, commenting within earshot, asking the most inappropriate questions. Some manage to deal with it. Some don't.A sense of humour is, in my mind, the best foil against outrageously inappropriate comments. You can choose to be upset or choose to find them funny. It is up to you. You certainly won't change the people you will come across over the years.If you find that the questions is really beyond the pale, you can simply retort: "If you will forgive me for not answering your question, I will forgive you for asking it." and flounce off with as much dignity as you can muster.Developing a sense of humour about the whole thing will be a good role model for your child as well. The little one will take cues from you and determine by your reaction to others and their queeries about your status as to whether it is something to be ashamed of or something to just let roll off, like water off a duck's back.It isn't easy, I can imagine. However, you are intelligent and your heart is in the right place and you love your child and will get through this, I am sure.I think your answer: "Congratulations. You are the first person to ask me that." Is great! Excellent! I would add a chuckle to it and keep it handy. You'll need it. lolcheers, Donna

Fox, I have had many peoplelecture me about the plight of orphans in foreign countries especially China and that I shoud really adopt from there because kids there are in so much more need. When we were in the process with Miranda I had two neighbors who had just read "The Lost Daughters of China" and were feeling particularly politically charged. When I annouced in Church that we were expecting the arrival of our newest child thru adoption in the next month another mom piped up and said "you are going to China aren't you?" As if there were no other way to adopt. Jus tto tell you it goes both ways. I have had " the question" a few times. The last time just last week. My new boss' partner saw a picture of all of my kids and asked if my little one was my grandbaby. I just said no, that's my youngest. The thing was he was not even embarressed :rolleyes:. Ok I could be the grandma tot he younger two but in a city where most professional people have kids later I would think that you wouldn't ask that question. I am not sure what he was insulting, my age, how well I was aging or my social status. lisa

I've been asked if my daughter is my granddaughter...I don't if it was me or the other person that was more embarrased. Now over the hurdle of the first time, I know it's them. Kind of like asking when the baby is due..& nobody's pregnant...foot in mouth time. Everybody has "assumptions" that are formed in their head & fall out their mouth without processing at some time or another. I don't consider it a personal affront...my mirror tells me their assumption is not all that off anyway.On another note..I once fostered an Asian boy who needed medical attention at the clinic in the middle of an Asian community. I am tall for a woman and they don't come whiter than me. This little Asian woman kept staring & staring and finally she said to me.."Is the father Asian?" and I said, "yes, he is...pause...so's his mother." She actually would've been better off assuming I was the nanny, no?