Open Adoption Vs. Semi Open Adoption

I wanted so badly to have an open domestic adoption -- being single kind of squashed that idea. I thought long and hard about my comfort in pursuing a 'closed' international adoption. Even though I had a 'good life", even tho' I love my parents dearly, I was very aware I was adopted. I was very aware I didn't know who I looked like, my nationality - nada, zilch. I felt disconnected from other people - I felt like my placement in my family was just a random twist of fate. So yes, having ANY sort of information at all would have made my 'emotional work' SO much easier. You know, it wasn't the "why was I placed for adoption?" question, or even the "did she love me?" question -- my difficulty revolved totally around identity issues - I needed some sort of information that simply wasn't there. And that made my grade school and high school years very challenging. God, I hope my daughter doesn't have the same questions I did. I hope I can help her if she does. I do have her birth mother's name, some family history, and a very wonderful, beautiful photo.

Ya know Shoshana, I think even if she does, youre likely to be more understanding, or even receptive to her issues. I have a good friend who lives across the breezeway from me. Her husband, her and her four boys moved here for Guatemala City this past September. IҒve talked to her a lot about the country and adoptions and such She was a school teacher there, and saw many young girls go thru the process. She said that the Guatemalan people are very receptive to post adoption contact, even years later. She told me a story about a good friend of hers who lost her husband and couldnŒt care for her children. She placed them, and they were adopted by a family outside of Guatemala (I failed to ask where). Anyway, she said when the kids got older, I assume in their teenage years, there is a language barrierso again, I assume. Anyway, when the kids were older, the adoptive parents sought the birthmother out, and they had a wonderful relationship via mail, with some family vacations to the area to boot. While its certainly not feasible to do something like that now for Xiomara, I thought it would be nice for you to knows that it does happen in GuatemalaŅin the event she decides she wants to search.

I do feel rather uniquely suited to help in this situation - I hope it's not just narcissism on my part ;) I also have a very strong desire to ensure that Xio becomes fluent in Spanish - And then we're going back! Whether to meet her birth mom, or just to tour - We WILL be in Guatemala again!

We had a close relationship with our childs Birthmother (before she decided to pull back), and our current Potential Birthmom is living with us. Long story. I have seen some posts that say they do not think that establishing a relationship with the birthmom is a good idea. It can be construed as coercive or cause the birthmom to relinquish even if she did not really want to because she did not want to hurt the A Parents. Those are valid points that I have taken to heart. But in my case, I had close relationships with these young ladies before they even got pregnant. I didn't think it made any sense to demote them to stranger status just because they picked us. But I drive the point home constantly. "If you decide to parent, it's 100% OK with us, just tell us so we can support you in that plan" Every adoption is as different as every child. I would never presume to say which is better for someone else. But in MY particular case, I prefer 100% open. Just imagine how much time, energy and brain power can be freed up in their wonderful little heads not having to wonder: Who do I look like? Where did I come from? Why didn't my Mom keep me? Do I have siblings etc etc etc. No scanning the crowds for faces that look like them. No time, expense and emotional roller coaster of searching and reunion. No ever having to fret or worry if their A Parents are going to get their feelings hurt if they dare ask questions or search. Just having the ability to answer a medical form with 100% confidence for pitys sake! If I am truly commited to having my adopted kids feel just like regular ol kids, and not "special" or "different" than I have to just suck it up, let go of my insecurities and give the rugrats the tools, information and the actual people in their lives so there are no mysteries. And speaking of mysteries, as an A Parent I much prefer having everything out in the open than waiting for the other shoe to drop. I prefer not to live in dread of the day when (after much anguish) my rugrat finally gets up the guts to say "Mom, I want to find my birthparents." Living in fear is no way to live. Hugs! Laura

Ok, hopeful, you've opened the door for me . . . :D I'm stepping out on faith here, you guys, with a ton of questions. From the moment I heard about open adoption (the agency we used stressed the importance of maintaining semi-open arrangements) I have also wondered what some of the benefits are, vs. a semi-open arrangement, and how this belief came to be. Im still left with a few observations and many questions. I understand that this forum in general is not a total representation of the many different thoughts and feelings that adoptees have. However, from what I hear and read from some from the closed era, not only here, but in other literature as well, what seems to be the most troubling aspect, if anything does in regards to their adoption, is the lack of personal information, i.e. birthfamily info, medical info, physical resemblance, inherited traits or talents, etc. That makes so much sense to me! Many have said that in looking back, that had there been no secrets and if they knew this information and if it was freely discussed with them whenever they wanted to, this would have filled some of the spaces where there were previously blanks. Interestingly, the first thing I usually do not hear from adult adoptees that have assessed their childhood is that what they felt they really needed at the time was ongoing contact with their birthfamilies (maybe IҒm just not reading or seeing the right information?). Where does this information that this is what young children really need derive from? And when I do read these kinds of stories from people who spent an unusual amount of time longing for their bparents, (rather than longing for dates, friends, sports, parties, music, and all the other things young people are typically involved in) it seems because of non-disclosure of information, some sort of mistreatment, or somehow being made to feel less thanӔ, by the aparents. I have seen these types of stories here, but in all fairness I have also seen stories from people who had typicalӔ childhoods and still wanted a relationship with their bparents. Again I realize this isnt a full representation of all feelings and situations. Am I way off the mark? Is the bigger picture a lot different? When I have previously asked the question here how one knows for a fact that ғopen is really whatԒs best for a child, Ive been shown fairly new research data (from organizations or personҒs whose business or personal interest is tied to this belief) that stacks children in open situations, against children in closed situations or those with very little or no information in regards to their adoption. Since its already pretty commonly known that closed adoptions were not the best situations for most people because weҒve now heard it loud and clear directly from them, it doesnt surprise me that this data would swing in favor of fully open. I have never seen a study that shows or indicates why an open situation would be more beneficial for a child then a semi-open one with information available, an avenue to receive more information, and the ability to contact the bfamily when the child chooses to do so. Is there such information out there yet? Finally, is it just me, or does it almost seem to be a taboo subject to even discuss or consider that the current industry wide belief that open arrangements are whatҒs best or more beneficial for a child could also subsequently be a beneficial thing for the birthfamilies, and to the "industry" part of adoption, as well? Even though I see this is technically a debate thread, Im not looking to debate or dispute anyoneҒs belief that an open situation is what they feel is best for themselves or their children and Im certainly not saying itҒs not a wonderful and positive thing. Just here to learn so I can make informed decisions on my daughters behalf for her life and her future. Peace and blessings, Kelli

Kelli, It's time for me to go home on Friday afternoon so I hope you won't mind if I wait until Monday to post my reply to your question. I hit the road at exactly 5:00 pm everyday:D and don't wait around for anything!

How does semi-open adoption benefit the child? In several ways, just like open adoption: Both the adoptive parents and the child have access to medical information about the birthparents now and in the future. The child knows the birthparents are maintaining an interest in their well-being. If visits are included in the semi-open adoption arrangement, the child and birthparents have direct contact. (They might not know the birthparents' last names or their exact address, and there will probably be a neutral present, but that face-to-face contact occurs.) There are more indirect ways that semi-open adoption may benefit the child depending on individual situations. I don't see this discussed much on the forums, but a number of birthparents have significant emotional and/or behavioral issues they struggle with, and which contributed to their decision to place a child for adoption. These issues can be beyond the ability of either the adoptive parents OR the birthparents to handle on their own. Thus, a semi-open adoption, in which an agency acts as an intermediary, can be very beneficial to the child. For one, the adoptive parents who might, under an open adoption arrangment, simply shut down all contact because of perceived concerns about the birthparents, may continue contact with the birthparents in a semi-open arrangement because they know there are safeguards and/or help in place from an intermediary. There are birthmothers who do not want direct contact with the child they placed. Period. But they still want to be assured the child is loved and well cared for. And they want to know the adoptive parents speak of them with respect and honor. Semi-open adoption may be the best arrangement for them. Hopefully, I don't leave the impression that I believe open adoption should be the presumed arrangement unless there is a problem that warrants semi-open. What I believe is that each triad group needs to make the arrangement that works for them and not feel the need to justify to others why they chose the arrangement they did. Well-meaning people (including experts) decided in the 1920s that closed adoptions were in the best interests of the children, the adoptive parents and the birthparents. I believe there is a consensus now that they were mistaken. (Before the 1920s, adoptions were generally open.) Today, many well-meaning people (including experts) believe that open adoption is THE arrangement that is in the best interests of the children, the adoptive parents and the birthparents. As another poster put it, however, it is too soon to say for sure. Additionally, there are not yet (to my knowledge) any research-based guidelines to help people make informed decisions about designing or evaluating a healthy open adoption arrangement. Again, I believe people need to make the arrangement that best fits their respective needs and abilities.

Absolutely! I think having the basic information is a great start. In my opinion, I think thats the basis of a ғsemi-open adoption. It provides information for the birthparents, and for the adoptee, without the face to face contact. In its basic form, I believe that is where ԓopen adoptions came fromԅsharing of information for the benefit of the child. I think each adoptee is different. As I said in my above post, I gleaned as much information as I could from my ғbirthfamily when I was youngerԅand I mean young, I think I was around six or seven when I first met my birthmothers parents and my half brother. I wouldnt give up the time for anything in the world. It explained a lot of mannerisms҅at least for me. While I dont think its absolutely necessary to have face to face interaction in the triad, I do think that it adds another element, a bonus if you will, not only for the child, but for the adoptive parents too҅I cant tell you the number of emails Ive received from my daughters parents saying, ғWell, you can definitely tell shes your daughter today҅(add character trait here). I would have loved to know where all my little quirks come from! Wow, I dont think I have ever known someone who was in such turmoil over not knowing their biological family, not saying that it doesnҒt happen, but that seems pretty extreme. I cant really offer much insight on this, because as I said, I had some contact I can tell you that this last summer, I tried to reconnect with my birthfamily because I was feeling especially alone. I have little to no contact with my adoptive family, and I guess I was trying to fill that void. Either way, the attempt failed miserably, like I knew it wouldŅ I honestly believe that an adoptees desireӔ to search for the birthfamily, and the intensity in which search is conducted is in direct correlation with the type of relationship they have with their adoptive families. Youll see a large number of well adjusted adoptees here on the forum that search and/or use an intermediary to search for their birthfamily, and the manner in which the search is done is more of a passive intrest, more for the answers than the relationship itself. YouҒll also see posts made by adoptees searching for mommyI believe that these are most likely the people who probably didnŒt have the greatest family growing up There are also a lot of adoptees that fit somewhere in the middle of both. I think that most adoptees probably wonder about their birthfamilies and would like some sort of information, whether thatŒs medical or geneticsyouŒll find a number of posts on the forum from adoptees that only want information, and dont wish to have additional contact. Again, I think each adoptee is different. I think any study showing the long term affects of open adoption on a child are a bit premature. At this point, open adoption is in its infancy. Most of the children in the very first waves of open adoption are still fairly young, and may not even have a grasp on how their relationship with their birthfamily affected them. I think any study that you see now is a work in progress, just like open adoption. In regards to your comment regarding the childs decision to have contact, IҒd like to ask a quick question if I could. At what point would you honor the childs wishes for contact? Theoretically of course, assuming you were to do a semi-open adoption, with the understanding that it would open up, if the child wished it so. Would you allow contact at age 5? 8? 10? Or 18? I think that would be the first hurdle to overcome, at least for me. At any rate, I think when a study is done on Open AdoptionӔ the usually lump them all together in one big studyI donŒt think they study them individuallybut I could be wrong here. Im not sure I understand what your asking, are you saying you believe that the industries fixation on ғopen adoption is a for the benefit of the birthparents? Questions and information gathering quests are always welcome! Feel free to post anymore that you might have!

Brandy, thank you for your response to my avalanche of questions and for clarifying some things for me. :) I thought these types of feelings seemed a little extreme too, but since I'm not "walking a mile in those shoes" I'm not in a position to really say for sure. I remember when I first joined how horrified I felt while reading some adoptee stories. Some said they were in such emotional turmoil that it effected all aspects of their lives and they spent much of their time feeling like outsiders looking in. I'll never forget these types of posts because I remember vowing to do anything and everything I could do to ensure that my daughter would not feel that way. That's a good question and one that I ask myself. I think I'll have to respond accordingly based on the time, manner, and reasons behind asking. For example, is it 10 year old curiosity, or is it 16 year old rebellion and anger. It may not make a difference and "yes" might be the answer in both situations if we feel it's the best thing for her. I guess this is a "wait and see" situation for me. That makes sense which is why I probably haven't seen anything specifically geared towards semi-open. Thanks. I'll tread lightly on this one :p No, I don't feel like "open" is all for the benefit of the birthparents, however, I do believe it IS a favorable piece of the puzzle, for some birthparents nonetheless, and it seems almost taboo to even suggest or discuss it. I think the "business" is more successful, because this is a piece they can market too. Similiarly, I find it interesting that it also seems taboo to even suggest or discuss that aparents have very little choice if they want to be parents through adoption. Either you "get" along or you "go" along. The self-serving desire to be mothers, fathers, and have families of our own, when in some instances, it's the only choice in family-building, is a big motivator in doing this. IMO, all these things are hidden under the umbrella called "Doing what's best for the child." All of this, of course, are just my opinions based on some of my own observations. Thank you for your helpful perspective and insight. Kelli

I think maybe I see a semi-open adoption a little differently than one of the posters. She said something about an agency being involved to mediate. I see it as more of a "relationship" between the bparents and aparents that the child isn't necessarily involved in. Maybe the aparents send pictures and updates to the bmother and/or bfather but the child doesn't have a relationship with them until later and only then if they ask. We almost adopted a baby a few years ago where this is what the bmother requested. The woman in charge of the home where the girl was living said this was the norm in semi-open adoptions. Until we met our son's bfamily, I thought this was the only way to adopt. Being adopted myself, I am extremely aware of my own insecurities and frankly didn't know if I could handle the "rejection" of my child wanting to meet their bparents. This seemed like the best of all worlds for me. Then we met this family. They seem to share our views whether religious, political, or social and it just works for us. As I said, not many people understand it and think we should have gone with little or no contact. My husband and I both feel like in the long run, it will only help our son. He's not going to have to wonder why he's so much taller than everyone in our family or why he's so "stout" when none of us are. All he'll have to do is look at his extended family and see where he gets whatever he's wondering about. And believe me there will be no doubts. He is the spitting image of his bgrandfather! I do feel like a semi-open adoption is better than a closed adoption simply because you can find out about medical information and you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars trying to track down your bfamily when you're ready. I can tell you from personal experience that an open adoption has worked wonders for my brother; I don't know any other adopted person who is as sure of himself as my brother. He doesn't really have a relationship with his bmother (my cousin) by his choice. She has been pregnant 5 times and has given the first 2 up for adoption, kept one, had a miscarriage and kept the last one. Her third child though has chosen to live with his dad and I think her last one would too but she feels sorry for her mom so she stays. Oh yeah! All 5 had different fathers so she's a real great example for all our family:( . So there may not have been any studies of how semi-open or open adoptions affect the children but I'm convinced most of the children you speak with would say it has been a positive one. I know there are many things we as parents need to decide for our children and I don't think the child is ready to make the decision too early but I don't think we should choose whether they have a relationship with their bfamily for them. I think if they feel comfortable with having a relationship we should help foster than relationship as much as possible. I look at my current foster (soon to be adopted) child and see that neither her bmother or bfather want any contact with her. Well, that's not entirely true. Her bmother wants contact but she wants it on her terms and isn't willing to do things the way DFACS wants her to. She thinks she can raise a child while working at Waffle House and moving from family member to family member. She may grow up wondering why her bfamily isn't as involved as her brother's bfamily and it may cause more problems for her. I guess her's is kind of like a semi-open adoption in a way except that we won't be keeping in touch with the bmother. I would gladly though if only she would show some kind of interest. I would love to be able to tell D one day that I know exactly where her bmother lives and what she's doing now and that we can contact her and see if she wants to see her. But that probably won't happen. We are lucky though that our son's bfamily wants her to call them Popa and Grammy just like all their other grandchildren do and are including her in things for the grandchildren. It reinforces how wonderful this thing is for us.

My stepdaughter is in a semi-open relationship with her birthdaughter's family. We know the family's name and where they live. They are in Minnesota, we are in Texas. The family agreed to meet L. when they came to Dallas to pick the baby up. The adoptive mother sends updates in the form of scrapbook pages that we add to. I send updates of stepdaughter same way. Stepdaughter can't handle writing letters, and prefers that I remain the mediator. We feel it is important for both sides to keep the lines of communication open, health history part of the picture. The adoptive family is not willing to do more than two updates a year and are not open to visitation at this point. L., my stepdaughter, had so much pain from the adoption I don't think she could handle visits. L. has been for counseling but did not stay with it. Just wanted to share our experience, since everyone is different.

I am an adoptive mom in a very open adoption with our sons birthmom and her extended family. For us, when we made the decision to adopt we knew that we wanted to have some level of contact. First because I have a friend (in his mid 30's) who received a phone call about 5 years ago from the agency who handled his adoption - he had no idea he was adopted. His birth family wanted to meet him, when he asked his adoptive parents about it they told him if he talked to 'the people who threw him away' they would disown him. So he was torn, but in the end met with his birthfamily. (also as an aside, his birthmom did not 'throw him away', she was young and pregnant and thought she was doing the right thing. The other adoption situation involved my grandmother, she was adopted as an infant in 1920's NY City, the only information she has is her birthmoms name and we aren't even sure it is accurate. She passed away last year never knowing anything about her birthfamily and it caused her tremendous grief. So for us, it was the right decision. g. [url]www.gtjohnson.blogspot.com[/url]

what if the bmom cuts off contact in a semi- open and the choice is irrevocable. how does that benefit the child. the ap will never be able to communicate or contact the **. i would think the ad would never tell this part. do you agree.

I am a birthmom in a semi-open adoption. My semi-open adoption consists of pictures a couple times a year and meetings once or twice a year. I chose semi-open because i know that for me personally it would be just too painful to see my birthdaughter on a more regular basis....but then again all open and semi open adoptions are different..the aparents and birthparents decide on the specifics. thinking that open adoption is a good thing and benefit to the child is only an opinion..based on what that person went through..but im sure not all open adoptions are a good thing..and that can be said for anything! I believe that semi-open adoption is good for MY birthchild because thats what i believe in my heart is best. She is almost 2 years old..so still too young to understand. Its nice knowing that she will be raised by her aparents knowing that i am her birthmom. when she is older if she wants she can choose to see me more if she wants too( i hope so :) ). So what i am saying is no one would pick an open or a semi-open adoption without thinking that that is what is best for thier child. and that all situation is different and unique in there own way.

I'm not quite sure what you mean that because you want your daughter to be raised by one family only, you won't have an open adoption until your child is older. Does that mean when she is older she'll be raised by two families? As far as I understand it, OA never means being raised by two families.I do agree with you that each situation needs to be agreed on by both families and needs to be something that everyone is comfortable with. My understanding is that an OA is defined by a birth family choosing an adoptive family prior to the adoption, and that full identifying information is shared both ways (as opposed to a semi open, where you work through an agency to facilitate any contact, and you don't have identifying information). Other than that, everything is up for discussion! There might be letters and pictures, there might be visits once a month or once a year, there might be friendships on FB, texts, phone calls, or there might be no contact at all! The open part is about honesty. Regardless of the way the adults work it out, the child will always know their story, the birth family will always know who is raising their child, and the adoptive family will always know who and where their child came from. I love all this and totally agree. The point of OA is to free the child from the burden of the unknown. The unknown can never really be processed. The known - even if it is terrible - can be processed (with the help of loving parents) so that it can become OK.I think both semi and fully open adoptions can offer the child this benefit. However I, personally, am going to feel more comfortable if my son asks me a question that only his birth mother can answer by saying, "I don't know the answer to that. Let me call 'A' and see if we can find out," then having to say, "I don't know the answer to that. Let me call the adoption agency and see if they can ask your birth mother and then get back to us." The former just feels better to me than the latter.For the record, I am in an open adoption where I am friends with Bodhi's birth mother on FB, and we text occasionally and talk on the phone even less frequently. We haven't had any visits and I don't anticipate that we will have many, but we do plan to visit in the fall when Bodhi's little brother is born, whom she plans to parent. We are not really in contact with any other family, other than being friends with her mom on FB. Her family is pretty dysfunctional so there are no plans to have Bodhi be a part of it. But I do love his birth mom very much and I believe she loves us too. And I feel good about that.