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I have read and heard so many stories of adoption and still I feel so alone.
I gave my son up for adoption 3.21.86. His father did not want me or any commitment. I was 19 and living between my grandmother and drunken abusive Uncle. I had not gone on to college so I had no skills to fall back on to support us. It was shortly after being hit by my uncle while I was pregnant that I knew I had to give my son a better life. The only thing I could give him was love, and love doesn't fill your belly or clothe you. Or provide the necessities of life. I didn't want my son to have the type of upbringing I had, so I sacrificed my love for him, and I gave him, via Independant adoption, to a couple in Manhattan.
I felt suicidal when I returned to Chicago. I went back to the baby's father because of the 'bond'. I loved him so much, but he didn't feel the same for me. Less then a year later, I got pregnant again, by the same man. I knew I would rather die then lose my child, and I told him I was going to leave. But he finally told me he loved me and that we would wed.
We are still married and have a beautiful 16 year old daughter. She knows all about her brother and the trials and tribulations I have been through. I look at her and wonder if her big brother is anything like her.
Then the fear and guilt hit me. If and when I find him, he will see that within two years of giving him up for adoption, I married his father and gave birth to his sister...he will hate me. We as a family are struggling with my son's 18th birthday just around the corner. I am an emotional wreck. Is there anyone else out there who is like me? Who is still married to the birth father and gave birth to more children?
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Hi, I am an adoptee in recent reunion with my birthparents, who married each other 8 years after my birth. Of course every situation is different so I cannot tell you how your son will react, but in my case I was thrilled to learn they had married! As a pratical matter, it solved the problem of having to do separate searches for each of them (many adoptees have an especially difficult time finding their birthfathers). On an emotional level, it is a bit like living a fantasy - the idea that they could eventually find love and comfort with each other is wonderful. In my case, my birthparents had no other children, and that is actually kind of a disappointment for me. I would have loved to hear that they were able to experience parenthood after the pain of adoption, not to mention how neat it would have been to have a full sibling! I am pretty new to the reunion thing (only two weeks past first contact) so perhaps feelings will change down the road, but for now I really couldn't be happier about their marriage. It makes me feel like I was the product of love, and not everyone gets that.
So many adoptees find terrible things at the end of their searches - that they were the product of a sexual assault, birthparents who want no contact, etc... Again, I don't want to speak for your son, but the chances are high that if he does a search all he will be hoping for is your acceptance and love. To find out that you married and had another child may well be a delight. If it brings up hard questions, you can do no better than to explain the situation as it was then and hope for the understanding you clearly deserve...Paula
You are not alone.
I am a birthmom married to birthfather and have 4 children. My birthson recently agreed to contact. I have written my first letter to him and I am now waiting for his response. I am also nervous about what he will think. It was six years after his relinquishment that we got married and had our oldest daughter. I cannot imagine him recieving my letter and photos....I also sent letters and photos from his siblings, I am sure he is having a whirlwind of emotions right about now. I believe he probably recieved my letter Friday...maybe Saturday.
Want to talk further here, or email me anytime (email under profile) I look forwarding to talking more with you. It has been sometime since you have posted and I hope all is well with you.
Best Wishes,
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