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Hi!
We're having some conflicting emotions over keeping in touch with our son's birthmom. Basically, all the "keeping in touch" seems one-sided, coming from us. I call, once every month or two, send cards, letters, pictures, and gifts at holidays and birthdays. She always seems happy to hear from me and friendly on the phone, but other than a few letters after Ryan was initially placed, she's never sent him a card or anything. I understand she's moving on with her life -- she had Ryan's brother less than a year after having him and moved back to be with her family. I guess I just worry about the future; how will Ryan feel when he doesn't even get a birthday or Christmas card from his birthmother? We're very committed to open adoption and want to always be open with him, ie., talking about his birthmom and brother. The other issue is my husband feels like we should pull back because she doesn't communicate more; but I feel like if she doesn't keep in touch, then we don't keep in touch, there's no relationship. I keep reminding him we're doing this for Ryan, not ourselves. I guess I'm hesitant to talk to her too honestly -- I don't want to hurt her feelings. The other issue is getting together to visit. We live in different states; our goal is to get together once a year. But getting together is always difficult; her family is kind of last minute in their planning and change their minds a lot, and we know money is an issue, whereas we like to be able to plan ahead and know that the plan is definitely on. For example, Ryan's birthmom and grandmom and his brother were supposed to come visit at Christmas. The it was just her and his brother (her mom did not support the adoption at all but has been willing to have contact with Ryan). Then a few days before she said her son was ill and couldn't come. Then the night before she said he had pneumonia so she couldn't come, either. Of course, we'd already gotten the plane ticket and it was too late to do anything about it. I realize having a sick child is a good reason to stay home, BUT this kind of thing happens every time we get together, plans change constantly. It makes it hard. So, I guess, any suggestions? Thanks!
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Often, when birthparents fail to respond to letters/gifts etc it isnt because they dont care but rather because they are still in pain. As well, often the going thought in adoption counselling is that openness is "nice" for the birth parents and "nice" of the adoptive parents --- when really, its IMPORTANT because the birth parent has something VERY valuable to the child. If she doesnt feel that she has anything to contribute to the life of your son -- or if she feels embarrassed or ashamed of her adoption choice, she wont do contact. If she realizes that what she has to give your son (the historical connection, a sibling etc) is EXTREMELY VALUBALE to your son and you she may be more prone to accepting it.
So saying all that, keep contact going because it has nothing to do with her reciprocating -- keep contact going because it is IMPORTANT TO YOUR SON! It is very valuable to him for him to see that his birth parents are important to you, valued by you and respected by you -- (showing him that is how you feel about him).
I would consider writing a few heartfelt letters talking about your views on openness and what you think she HAS to offer to you and your son. Talk about the role you foresee her having in the life of your son. You might offer to pay for counselling or mediation to facilitate this process along. Brenda Romanchik at Open ADoption Insights is probably the BEST source of unbiased information out there... Track her down.
Some suggestions for helping the birth mom to realize that you value her ...
Send along a birthmom scrapbook asking things about HER ... ie ... her favorite foods as a child, first memory, pictures etc...
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Send along some open adoption books highlighted by you ... what you found interesting etc and ask her what she thinks about it.
Remember her other son on his birthday -- remember he is your childs brother and important to him.
When our boys birth parents failed to respond to what we send, I contacted grandparents, aunts/uncles, great grandparents etc and practically BEG for contact. Some is better than none!!!
But no matter what -- practice integrity. If your agreement to be honest with her is only based on her response to you, you arent.
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Thanks! I never considered not keeping in touch -- I guess I was just looking for some support because it is hard at times, and my husband does take it personally and isn't so supportive at times. I do realize our son's birthmom has conflicted feelings, especially since when she went home she got a lot of negativity and judgment from her family, whom she lives with, that she did the wrong thing by placing Ryan. I do remember Ryan's brother at holidays and when we talk. And she's just going on with her life; she's raising her son, working, and going to school part-time. I guess I worry that when Ryan's old enough to notice such things, he'll wonder why he doesn't get a card at Christmas or his birthday from his birthmom and be hurt. I am grateful that his birthgrandmother is still willing to see him once a year even though we know she's not happy that he was adopted, and I'm sure those conflicted feelings affect our get-togethers. It's just hard at times.
Some of those things are going to be Ryan's to address and that may be more valuable - when he asks his bmom why she doesn't do x or y, it's different. I vew my job as being to maintain this relationship until he's old enough to decide for himself what he wants (though I adore his bfamily and expect us to continue our relationship whether he wants contact or not honestly). It's hard though because we want to protect our children!
Keep the door open, hope she takes more steps to maintain, and hang in there.
:-)
Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas
That's great you have such a good relationship with your son's birthmom. We love our son's birthmom, she's very sweet, but we're just very different people and at different points in our life. It's hard to relate sometimes, like when she told me she got her tongue pierced, I wasn't quite sure what to say! We just have some very ambiguous feelings about her whole family situation because the main reason she told us she didn't want to raise Ryan while living with her family was because of some inappropriate behavior by her stepfather directed towards her. After she did return home she finally told her mom -- she never had -- but nothing was done or changed. Suddenly it didn't seem to be a big deal any more, which led us to question whether anything really happened in the first place; there have been times when we found she didn't tell us the truth. Or we thought maybe she's just willing to let it go so she can live at home and have help raising her son. Several times when we've visited she's made comments about Ryan spending the night. We just don't feel comfortable with that as long as she's living with her stepfather. So far it's been okay because of his age, but I worry that the day will come when she'll really want him to spend the night, and what will we do? In the meantime, I did call the other day and talked to her mom (Ryan's birthmom was out of town). It was a nice conversation, but I always feel a certain amount of tension, knowing she thinks the boys should be raised together. For example, she said they were thinking of adopting a child (which I seriously doubt) so that Ryan's brother "wouldn't grow up alone." I always feel like there's a lot going on under the surface when I talk to her, but maybe I read too much into it. At least she's wiilling to talk to me and see Ryan. Thanks for your encouragement!
It isn't always easy - your Ryan's bmom is similar in many ways to my Ryan's bmom (especially the tounge and other piercings, though I tease her about them). My Ryan also has a younger brother (16 months apart) whom his bmom is parenting. She made her parents out to be monsters who were anti-adoption (even though they adopted her and her sisters), until we met them. They're actually very nice people who were mostly worried that we'd be faithless in our openness agreement. We also got to 'compare notes' which I'm sure she's not thrilled with because, well, lets just say memories can be tricky things. :-)
What I've learned is to not jump off a bridge until I have to - i.e. don't worry about overnight visits until/unless it actually becomes an issue, then call it as you see it because things might be very different by then or they might not, don't ask if I really don't want to know the answer, rant when I need to, take deep breaths and love the heck out of my son. Ignore the tension as best you can, and remember that sometimes the best response is none at all. I remember that the only things that can bother me about other people are things I'm not OK with myself.
I am very close to Ryan's bmom, but honestly I adore his paternal bgrandma and aunt just as much if not more and their lives don't make me nutso.
I have to repeat sometimes 'She asked me to raise her son. That's it. Not rescue her, fix her life, etc. Just raise him." It's hard though 'cause I'm a 'fixer'.
Hang in,
Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas
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