Getting b-mom to talk about wishes w/open adoption

Please don't think this is an attemp to frighten you or to diminish your happiness in any way, but if I was you I would be very, very concerned about a birthmother who refuses to talk about post-placement issues! Have you talked to your adoption counselor or social worker about this? It might be just exactly what you are saying...she isn't sure, etc. but she could also be in denial about what is happening. I have been in those shoes and as strange as it seems, it is possible to just "not think about it right now" It's great that you are wanting to start off on the right foot with her but her attitude might be a big "red flag" about her feelings for the whole adoption process. I think it is also important to remember that feelings change. Maybe you could start by telling her what kind of contact you would be comfortable with and go from there? Let her know that she doesn't have to decide right now what she wants later? Her emotions are on a roller coaster ride that doesn't really ever end. You can come to terms with placing your child for adoption and know that you did the right thing, but the healing process takes a lifetime. Good luck with your adoption, you have a great attitude!

Thanks! I can't imagine the pain and confusion she is going through since I've never been there. I can only attempt to support her and be honest with her and ask for the same in return. I'm not perfect, I'm totally out of my depth with the emotions of this thing and am just trying to find my way through the dark as best as I can. I am also concerned that she won't talk about it, and I worry that she will change her mind (every prospective a-mom's ongoing fear). But, mainly I'm concerned for her. She is not getting counseling now, and our ASP is out of town until next week. She doesn't get any other counseling until after placement so I'm not sure what to do. I believe the next time I see her I will be sure to approach her with an idea of what we'd like and to let her know that her decisions about when & how much to see the baby after the adoption does not have to be set in stone. That it can be somewhat flexible as long as the best interests on our daughter are put first. I'm attempting to read anything I can get my hands on about adoption and birthparents and communication to help myself and my b-mom through all of this. Plus I have relatives who have gone through it who I'm constantly asking questions. But any other opinions and advice would be welcome. Thanks again. I

Bless you for being so concerned about the needs of a p-Bmom; thats wonderful. You posted:

I have been going to lunch with her for about a month now trying to get to know her but I can't tell if she's (1) uninterested in contact after the baby is born (2) scared to ask for what she wants (3) doesn't know what she wants OR (4) all of the above. As a B-mom I'd guess that (4) is probably the correct answer. I was so unsure of what I was doing and expected to do that many times I did nothing. ( My childs adoption was closed, but there were other concerns the SW addressed that I couldn't respond to.) Its a very emotional time and its stressful. IMO if I were you since you are able to see things clearer maybe you could offer specfic suggestions and get a response. ie: " I'd like for you to have pictures every 6 months, is that acceptable?" Or maybe you could give her options; ie: "Would you like to see the baby three OR four times a year?" Maybe you could say you'll be sending her a letter or e-mail soon and you'll be asking for her opinion....that way she can think over her answers and feelings or even share them with someone she trusts who can help her answer your questions. Is there a legal rep or therapist involved with her? Has she spoken to anyone else who has been in her shoes? Can you contact them and explain your dilema? I hope it works out soon....MissyM

One option to throw out there is that you are planning on having an open adoption with her and she can decide as time goes on what level of contact she is most comfortable with at that time. Tell her its ok if it change as time goes on as well and that you just want her toknow she is always welcome in your family. Mandy

Hi Pingaa, I want to respond to your post, but I want to disclose my bias about the pre-placement process first so you can take that into account. My bias is in favor of a process in which there is an intermediary between expectant parents and prospective adoptive parents, and in which the same intermediary does not represent both the expectant parent and the prospective adoptive parents. Also, I'm not familiar with the ASP acronym, so I'm not sure what role (s)he plays in your situation. You sound like a warm, sincere and thoughtful person who cares very much about the well-being about this expectant mom. I regret that both you and the expectant mom are having to muddle through this on your own. If there is no one available to advise and advocate for this expectant mom outside of your presence, then I offer this for your consideration: DO come up with a written agreement (in plain English, of course; no need for the whereas, hereto kind of stuff) that the expectant mom can review and think about. A written document is more "real" than conversation and gives her something more tangible to work with. Invite her to note the changes she wants and then the two of you can proceed from there. The draft agreement might address: timing/quantity of photos, videotapes, letters; phone calls; face-to-face visits. It might also include features such as revisiting the agreement every x number of years for modification, how you will each raise and resolve conflicts (and who will pay for it if, for instance, you include mediation to resolve conflict you are unable to resolve on your own). Suggest that the expectant mom show the agreement to people she trusts; encourage her to bring a friend or family member to a future meeting to help her ask hard questions. See if you can come to a verbal understanding re: the written document before the baby is born, but not expect her to sign it til after the baby is born, as so much changes then. Even if the expectant mom doesn't sign the agreement or suggest changes, it's still something tangible both of you have to work from after relinquishment. YOU can still sign it and give her a copy so she understands that you have made a commitment to its terms. Assuming the expectant mother intends to follow through on her adoption plan, please do keep in mind that some birthmothers do want to get pictures and letters, but they do not wish to maintain a reciprocal relationship with the adoptive family. This can be really hard for an expectant mother to have to express directly to a prospective adoptive couple because the expectant mother may believe that others think she SHOULD want to maintain a relationship and will think poorly of her if she doesn't. I hope this is helpful. Warmly,

An A.S.P. is an Adoption Service Provider, a California madated social worker whose job it is to: facilitate the gathering of medical and personal information from both parties, the advising of birth parents rights/responsibilities/options, providing information to the attorney and the California Department of Adoption Child Services when a child is placed. They are the ones that meet with the birth parents to have the initial Placement agreement signed and the Health Facility Minor Release Form signed. They must meet with the birth parents in an advisory meeting a minimum of ten days before the placement agreement can be signed. The placement agreement is signed after the baby is born, but does not have to be signed before the child is discharged to the a-parents, only the health facility minor form. The California 30 day period for the birthparents to change their minds starts once the placement agreement is signed. This also starts the California Adoption agency Home Study process in independent adoptions. Unfortunately, our ASP went on a two week vacation from the 15-29th so much of the work has not been done yet. We are meeting with her and the birthparents Thursday. Tomorrow my husband and I are going to the OBGYN visit with them and probably taking them to lunch afterwards. I'm hoping to talk to both of them about visitation/pictures/calls/letters/e-mail contact tomorrow at lunch with my husband and the b-father so we can all have some input. If that doesn't seem comfortable I'm going to schedule another lunch with just the b-mom with a prepared idea of what her options are and hopefully to tell her that decisions about visitation of lack thereof are not written in stone and that I will work with her on it all. I care for her and don't want her screwed out of what she needs, as long as we are both loving and considering the best interest of the baby.

Dear Pingaa, I hope things worked out well for you and the expectant parents the other day. Thank you for the clarification re: ASP. Warmly,