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A couple of months ago I was sitting on a big comfy chair with my 4 year old. We were cuddling and she was stroking my hair and she said, "Mommy? I wish I had dark hair like you and Daddy and my sister". I just felt so bad. I wanted to cry. Our daughter's adotion was a domestic and open adoption. She is a beautiful blond haired, blue eyed cuite. She is of Scandinavian, Irish and Scotish decent. My husdand is half Italian and half Polish, I am 100% Italian and our biological daughter obviously is a combination. We three happen to be dark in physical characteristics, but on both our sides we have light and fair haried close relatives. Coincidentally, my daughter does indeed look like her cousins. In any case, I want to know if I handled this situation correctly and if not, the next time it comes up how should I do it better. I simply said, "No, no don't you ever wish you are anything than what you are. You have beautiful blond hair and sweet blue eyes and I love how you look. Why if you had dark hair, you wouldn't be my Meesa" (pet name) Her adoption was open, so I spoke about her bmother (we don't know much about the bfather) I showed her the pictures we have of her bmother (she is the spitting image) and told her that many times children will look a lot like the person who grew them inside thier body. I was kind of going on and on a bit and she smiled and changed the subject to something silly. She had had enough. I don't know why I felt so bad. I just hated it that she wished that. I thought to myself that she feels bad she doesn't look like us or she feels bad that I gave birth to our other daughter (age 12) and not her. I just felt bad. I know issues will come up as we go. I love her so much. I just want her to not feel bad about anything to do with her adoption. She is very unlike us physically and people say "stupid" things to us out in puplic like, "Hey where'd you get that one? Heck Heck. She sure doesn't look like any of you!" When she was an infant, she wasn't effected by it but as she gets older she will hear these things, they will be said directly to her. How do I help her to handle it? Thank you for any insights you may have on the subject. Liz
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Originally posted by EMEC I simply said, "No, no don't you ever wish you are anything than what you are. You have beautiful blond hair and sweet blue eyes and I love how you look. Why if you had dark hair, you wouldn't be my Meesa" (pet name)
Andy, Thanks for your encouragement. And congrates to you and tour partner on your new little one! Bromanchik, I know you are right. I just felt so sad when she said that because she felt sad. I should have talked more about that feeling than not acknowleding it at all. I tried to make her feel better about her hair and eye color. And that is not what she was saying to me. You know that great feeling you get when you've delt with your child on something and you just know you did that well? Well I didn't feel that about this time, that's for sure. I have had a weird feeling ever since. Thank you so much for your opinion. I will be prepared next time. I just feel like kicking myself; I should have known better. Liz
I am adopteed and I think you handled this beautifully! I remember I asked if I came from my amothers belly and she said, no another ladies belly. That was enough for me at the time. Later we expanded on that concept. What blew my adoptive mom away(please note I just use amom here to clarify who I am talking about, my amom is my Mom always) was when I was about 5 and taking a bath and I asked "Mommy did my first Mommy have a Mommy?" "Yes she had a Mommy" "then why didnt her Mommy help her take care of me?" My amom said she just sat there looking at me until I got busy with something else. Aimee
emec, your story actually brought a tear to my eye....first off, you handled it great. sometimes our kids bring tthings up that we are just caught off guard with. you were having a special moment with your daughter in your big cumfy chair.....i felt the love coming from your post....your daughter felt it too im sure. there will be other times to discuss it more, she will bring things up again, the fact that she trusts you enough to let you know that she loves you and wishes she was more like you, says alot. you handled it beautifully.....it is sad to hear things from our children and one thing i learned is that we cannot take away their pain, it is not our pain to take away....its theirs. as much as we want to 'fix it'...we cant. i think that maybe your sadness is more that you wish your little one didnt have to have these losses in her life then anything else. I know there are moments that i just watch my two little ones play and i get a tear in my eye because of so many hurts they had in their little short lives....it just isnt fair...but it is what it is and what we can do as parents is give them so much love that they will know that we will be there for them when they are feeling the hurts again. truly, your thread touched me deeply. thanks for posting it. dadfor2
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I am a psychologist and I think you handled it wonderfully. A child doesn't need to be adopted to want to look more like mom or have a different color hair. It's common for little ones to want to be just like mom because at that age they still think mom walks on water (and/or dad). She may or may not have been expressing that she wished she grew in your tummy, and I would probably err on the side of caution and go with the assumption that she was saying she wishes she were your biodaughter. You're doing great!
eek40, dadfor2, PinkRibbonAmy and SkinnyLou, Oh my goodnes. You take my breath away. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. What lovely people you are! I don't even know any of you , but your words of support and your experienced opinion felt so wonderful to read. Thank you for taking the time and for saying the things you did. Thank you for caring. I suppose this "parenting thing", adoptive or otherwise is indeed all a process. "Dadfortwo", you are right about there being other times to discuss this, to claify, add to, expand. And you know, that's the one great comforting thing about parenting... opportunies are just around the corner for us to practice, try out, improve yet another strategy. Right?! I have learned much from your lovely responses and I will forever keep it all in mind. God Bless! Liz