~Relationship Stages After a Reunion

December 30, 2008

Blue Irish Eyes

Three cheers for you!. What a gal...I am proud of your success and determination to get to this stage. I wish my story was as successful.

I was born in MO at St Vincent's Hospital and placed right after birth in the adjacent orphanage called St Anthony's Home for Infants. After my parents passed away, because to try to get any info on my natural parents I would have had to have their permission regardless of how old we are, I went to CC and a CI was assigned and I got my non id info. Later I hired a PI to see if, with the little info I had, if my natural parents could be found..and she found my natural mother. I spoke to her once and she was not happy that I found her. She did not want any pictures, was not interested to know how or what I became nothing. She was polite but fearful I think. Anyway because she wanted no more contact I respected her. Then I wrote to the aunts the PI located. I got one letter and it was nasty..and Cora speaks for all of them it seems as none of the others bothered to write. Then with my own efforts on genealogy websites I filled in lots of the info and just kept at it. I finally found a cousin..google is amazing. We linked up, and I have to tell you about how that goes now, and became fast friends. She filled me in on that family and largely it is one to stay away from. I made a trip to see her and look at the countryside where my natural mother lived, she was now deceased, and lo and behold we located someone who gave me an address of a half brother. I spoke to him but in the end it ended badly..my half sister had known about me and that I used a PI thanks to that aunt who forwarded a copy of the letter I wrote to them to my natural mother who kept it~ For someone who didn't want anyone to know about me...wow my half sister told me through my half brother, who seems like a really nice man by the way, that if I ever tried to contact them again they would sue me. I didn't want anything other than to see a picture of my natural mother, to learn about her likes and dislikes, her talents and faborite foods and colors etc.

As to the evolution of relationships with the newly found natural family, my cousin who is a dear dear person, and her kids, said I resemble their mom in terms of voice and gestures..it is " creepy good" and my aunt, whom they tell me would have loved to meet me, is gone..After a long visit here, when I would call my cousin would be busy or not there etc so I stopped calling though we do email at least a couple times a week , That honeymoon period is past and things are really more normal in that respect than daily emails and so many calls. Then not long ago, she confided that it is my strong similarities to her mom that makes it hard over the phone. In person not so much. and her daughters who once in a while used to send a note do not now. That part is sad but there is no anger..just how it is.

So I wish you good luck with the development of the relationship with your natural famaily and half siblings. I think the half siblings are worried that you are going to take their father away from them and when they finally learn that is not your goal they may come round. They may also be afraid you may challenge them in court for estate matters which you may legally be entitled to do inasmuch as he abandoned you and you were never placed with a family. But that is for lawyers. I made it clear to my half brother I was not interested in any thing in terms of properties for our natual mother I just wanted to know about her. As to my natural father..don't know who he is or if he even knew about me..\

Keep us posted on how things develop for you..

I'm sorry that you have to live with out knowing who your biological father is. Only someone in our shoes can truly appreciate the need to know where we come from. For instance, I had no clue that I'm part Italian. I always wondered where my dark eyes and exotic good looks came from. Like you I have spent huge amounts of time, effort and money to find my father. In order to get the information I needed I have had to make contact with family that most would consider unsavory - to say the least. I have discovered that the family you don't want - is always happy to find you. Now that I have my father I'm also stuck with family I would never associate with otherwise. I had to do quite a bit of pay off and bribing to get to the information I needed to make my connection. Love can be expensive! Especially when it doesn't turn out in the end.

Thank G-d you had adoptive parents!

I was never adopted but managed to have love and very excellent care for most of the time I was growing up. I was lucky that I grew up in Bavaria, Germany. Lucky because when I grew up there the government believed it to be best for children to have continuity in their care. I was placed in a private boarding school for girls. It was housed in a Convent complex and administered by Nuns. The only difference between me and the other kids was that I did not go home for summers or the holidays. I was lucky that I was not passed around private homes or placed and bounced in and out of foster care. I spent the bulk of my childhood in one place, being cared for by the same people. These people became my family. To this day whenever I go back to visit I'm received like a member of the family. They feed and house me and make a huge fuss! I had a wonderful life long relationship with all the Nuns who raised me. Unfortunately all but one of the Nuns who raised me have passed away now. Fortunately the one Nun that is left is also the one who had complete charge of me. She is and has been the mother I never had. We write, talk and visit whenever possible.

It would be nice to have a close and loving relationship with my birth family. But I have accepted reality. I'm very grateful for the voluntary family that I have accumulated over my life time. My own immediate family, the people who raised me and my life long friends. The family I'm trying to bridge to is just the cherry on the icing.

I might add that it took quite a bit of therapy to get to my level of acceptance of my situation. I know there is much for me to be thankful for. Yet ... I also feel entitled to what is rightfully mine. That being, I have the right to know my birth parents and my family history. I pursue it for my own emotional and psychological well being. Finding my birth parents has helped me in ways that I can't very adequately describe. I hate loose ends and desperately needed some closure. I also feel I owe it to my children. They deserve as complete a family history as possible.