Questions

We also have finalized an open adoption recently. Our son's ** sees him about once a month but it's only because her work schedule is so crazy. The last time she came to get him, she said she needed his ss# because she had started one of those college savings things where the money you spend at certain stores goes towards his savings (?). It bothered me a little at first but then I thought she's just trying to help us out later. I definitely think I would have to say something though if she was doing what your ** is doing. There is no reason for her to open email addresses for him or with his name and there's no reason for her to sign letters with his name. Is she at least using your last name? That would help a little with me but you do need to stop this. It's easier for me to tell you what you should do than do it myself. My mom was just telling me this morning that I need to discuss with our ** what my son will call her when he learns to talk. I like to instigate it and sit back and watch not be part of the actual conversation. I know I need to because he does spend time with her and needs to know what to call her but I'm just not that outspoken. I don't know if you are or if maybe your husband is (that's my saving grace - my husband will say almost anything to anyone). I don't think it's a good idea for her to be using his name like that though. It sounds like maybe she needs to talk to someone and work on some issues she may have with the adoption. Good luck! And let me know how it goes because, you never know, I may need the use of you expertise one day.

The first question is this: Is she currently or has she been in counseling regarding her placement decision? If not, then you may suggest or arrange for this. I'd also recommend talking with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight - an adoption education group. I'm sensing that what bothers you about this is boundaries? Are you concerned that this is causing her to not be able to move forward in her life (remembering that she'll never forget your son)Or is it privacy? In either case, I think the best thing to do is to sit down and talk in a non-confrontational way....i.e. "I noticed that x happened/was done. I'm concerned about our son's privacy. How do you feel about that? Then bring her around to the fact that you really don't want your son's name used this way." IMHO HTH Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Thank you for replying, I know she will never forget about him and nor do I want her too, being an adoptee myself and knowing what it is like to have a birthparent not want you to be part of their lives stink, and I don't want my son to feel that. I want her to be a part of his life. There has been numorous people telling her she needs to get some counseling and she doesn't feel like she needs it. I know that she hurt for awhile and who wouldn't? I just don't think she is completely understanding the boundry issue. I think I am going to sit down with her in a nonconfrontational way and talk to her about it. For our sons privacy sake. I am also one that has a very hard time confronting people, I am a quiet person and tend to keep things to myself, but there is just something about this issue that is bothering me. And I think it is the fact that our son will soon be one and she is using his name for so many things. She is great around him and doesn't call herself mommy, she does refer to herself by her first name. So I know that she understands that. I just don't understand why she is using his name for this other things. I think sitting down with her will help us both understand what is really going on. I know she loves him, and wants to do what is best for him. Otherwise she would not have choosen adoption for him. She is a great person and I am sure she would understand where I am coming from for the privacy issue. Thank you all.