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My husband will be 50 in August and I am 41. We were turned down by our church sponsored agency for their birthmother program due to our ages. They "allowed" us to be in their foster to adopt program. Long story short we have raised our foster son to be a happy healthy little boy. We got him at 13 days old and he is now almost 16 months. The court decided to give custody to his paternal grandmother. We will lose him for good next Thursday.
I don't have to tell you the grief we are both feeling. We truly thought he would be our son. Neither of us have ever had children. We've been married 9 years and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We approached several domestic agencies and none of them wanted to work with anyone over 45. We can not afford the international route. We would have loved to adopt from Guatemala because there seems to be such a need but our financial resources are limited due to several iui attempts before the infertile diagnosis.
Since this was our first parenting experience we too agree that we are much better parents than we would have been in our 20's or 30's. The past 16 months have been the time of my life. I don't know what I'm going to do without baby "C". He was the best thing that ever happened to our lives. The ironic thing is he looks exactly like my husband and I.
I ask for your prayers for baby "C" that he will be safe and remain as happy as he is now. I pray that he won't think we abandoned him.
Now, I've said all this to ask for HELP. If any of you know of someone who will work with us and not have a problem with our ages. We are currently licensed foster parents in the state of Georgia.
Thank you in advance for your prayers and your advice.
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I wanted to let you know I will be praying for you, your husband and your little one. I can't imagine the loss of losing him.
My question is of the system...why wasn't he placed with this gma before now?!?!? How and why do they make this decision so far into the process. I know as foster parents we don't have access to the whole picture, but from this slanted view it seems like taking so long just makes it more difficult for everyone.
Will you be able to maintain any contact? Have you and your husband discussed fostering other kids?
I'm sincerely sorry for your upcoming loss and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Respectfully, Brenda
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Thank you, Brenda. The grandmother was actually denied for placement in the beginning but got an Attorney and did an appeal. She has said she would continue to let us see him but I don't know what she'll really do once it's over.
Thank you for your prayers as we are devastated. If you know of an agency that might help us please let us know. There's no way baby "C" can ever be replaced but now that we've been parents we can't even imagine going back to the "empty nest."
Again, thank you for your concern....
According to the federal guide lines you can not be discriminated because of your age. I am in Columbus, Ohio and know that the adoptions department has plently of adoptive parents over 40.
[Edited To Remove Agency/Facilitator/fee based services Recommendations or comments]
Please remember that comments about agencies or other fee based services made after 2/10/2004 MUST be made via Private Message.
I wish you well.
Melinda
Melinda is correct - you cannot be discriminated against because of your age for domestic adoption.
Having said that, I'd go agency shopping. If you're not sure of ones in your area, ask your adoption attorney, friends, OB/GYN, other aparents for recommendations.
Also, you can consider going the independent adoption route - using only an attorney and SW and doing your own searching for a pbfamily connection. A good book on this is "Adopting in America: How to Adopt within One Year" by Randall Hicks.
DH was 46, I was 35 when Ryan came and we never had an issue with our ages - except that DH is 2 years older than one of Ryan's bgranddads and 2 years younger than one bgrandma. Also, I share a birthday (month, day and year) with one of Ryan's bgreatuncles. His bgreatgrandma said "Hey, I don't remember having twins that day!"
Hang in,
Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas
Hi,I really think you should get yourself an attorney. I believe if you have a child over 15 mo. you have a legal right to first choice in adoption. please check that! also it is illegal to discriminate because of ages. Especially where she was turned down before
look into this I think you have a chance. Also request a bonding assessment your the only parents he knows, that may sway a judge.
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Could you continue with the foster/adopt route. I know first hand how devastating it is to lose a child, having had to say good bye to 11 foster children before being placed with our four children. Know in your heart that you made a difference in the child's life for as long as he was with you. I KNOW how hard it is to say good bye!
You can also look into private adoption agencies that place children from foster care. Some of the children are young (under 4), but most are older. We you part of a foster parent association? I have two of my children bc of networking with our association. The sw's knew me very well and thought of me when our kids came into care. I was also able to find an adoptive home for a little boy I used to do respite for, bc I knew his foster parents and his now-adoptive parents. I hooked them up.
Good luck to you. Don't give up your hopes of being a permanent mommy. It will happen!
I too am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the devestation you must be feeling.
Do you have any relationship left with your sw? Could you discuss the possibility of an adoption placement, possibly with a toddler that has already had their parental rights terminated and is legally available for adoption. That way you could protect your heart a bit and perhaps you would feel more comfortable after what you have been through. So many waiting children need and deserve to have thoughtful and loving parents.
You will be in my prayers tonight.
Best
Bumpkin
Hi,
I'm so sorry this is happening! :(
I just wanted to encourage you...I'm 45 and dh is 44 and we just adopted an infant through domestic independent adoption with a facilitator (agency did our homestudy).
So that age thing is a crock! You just need to find the right place to work with.
Judy
Yes, the age thing, is a joke! My husband and I are both 47, and within the last 2.5yrs, have brought home one infant, right from the hospital, and our last, was only a few months old! (These two are our sixth and seventh adoptions!)
I will be happy to give you the name of our attorney (who networks with other Quad A , adoption attorneys and agencies---and couples out of state as well).....and possibly some agencies. If you 'pm' me, let me know 'what type of baby' you are looking for...be it only caucasian, newborn or a little older infant.
It IS possible to adopt when you are a bit older!!!!!
Hope this helps....
Sincerely,
Linny
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