Will I ever be ok???

Matri, I feel your pain. I know, it feels as if your heart and soul are bleeding. But I think that instead of someone telling you the usual, "It will be o.k." or "You'll be fine", you need someone to feel that pain with you or at least know that others feel what you are feeling too. I have incredable wounds that haven't even began to heal. But the pain you feel just shows how much you do care. I don't know about you but I would rather feel pain then numbness...........at least this pain I feel links me to my daughter.

Thank you for your reply and offering no platitudes...I'm sorry too for your pain but thank you for sharing. It often feels so much like a form of weakness, as if there is something wrong with me and I should be fine by now. It doesn't help really that it's so close to Mothers Day or that the 16th is also my mom's bday...of all the luck. I honestly think I've gotten so good at faking being ok that I've painted myself into a corner. It's like I want to scream and say STOP the world, I hurt someone, anyone care for just a minute. But no one could even hear me b/c life moved on and everyone moved on with it. I am actually getting sick of myself, this whole past week I've been living in my head and throwing one huge pity party...and I really hate that. I'm not that type of person. Like posting here...I've been a member for quite a while and I rarely post and almost never post to complain. Maybe I don't think I have that right. Maybe I am just like the rest of the world wondering why I haven't just gotten over it and moved on. AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Ok I'm done, no more of this tonight. One last thing, I do agree with you sometimes it's good to know that at least I hurt b/c that means I still feel.

matri wrote..And what is that anyway...I feel afraid to "move on" b/c I don't want her to think I don't care but it hurts too much to "dwell" on it. I can remember thinking that my sadness was/is because this is what I should expect from myself.. Its almost like a tender trap.. It's like I want to scream and say STOP the world, I hurt someone, anyone care for just a minute. I know that this is the main issue for me.. I made sure I did not bother anyone when I relinquished.. I made sure I never ever cried in front of anyone.. Did not want them sad.. Did not want to cause a fuss.. Part of me gets very angry.. Angry that some people do not want to know.. Angry that some people think it okay to just give a baby away and walk and never ever show an emotion.. One last thing, I do agree with you sometimes it's good to know that at least I hurt b/c that means I still feel. This is such a strange grief.. We had a friend who died in a motorcycle accident.. Bam we were into hard grief.. A man in his prime was gone.. That kind of grief I can understand.. But this? The baby is alive and well.. The grown up adoptee is alive and well.. Where are the rules? Where are the patterns? Jackie

Hi Not many birth mothers get over losing their children from their lives entirely, it does not matter whether they made that choice or not. No one really knows what adoption means until it is done and it has been experienced first hand. There are many different stages to go through - I know as I have been through many in the past 21 years. There will always be some pain about it I think - there are good things and bad things in everything. It is how you conduct your life and how you look at life which will keep you going. The positive aspects of your adoption are that at least you can know how your child is progressing and can witness the happy life that you chose for her. You will always be her first mother and no one can take that away from you, you made the first decisions about how her life would be - no one can take that away from you either. Downsides : there will always be downsides, sadness on occasions and some regrets and 'what ifs' etc... that will arise throughout the stages of your life. Of course, no mother in her right mind is going to feel entirely happy that they found themselves in circumstances where they could not keep their child or had to give them away to give them a better life. Something that can never be erazed from a person is mother instinct and the feelings that go with it, it is what you are and what you become when you have a baby. It is perfectly natural to feel the way you feel under these circumstances at times and it is good to get it all out of your system and not let it build up. You have to grieve for the things that might have been and you need to in order to come to terms with it all. Rowan

The pain of your child being adopted is always there. No one should ever tell you to "get over it" or "move on". They don't know. My son was born the 15th of May and just like you have a really hard time with it being so close to Mother's day. Everday on my son's birthday I go to the zoo. It helps me take time for myself and think. It helps to have people around who support you and your feelings. My thoughts are with you.

As an adoptee I have always wondered how my bmom feels about me. I know how I feel about her. She was a very strong and courageous woman to do what she had to do. I admire and appreciate what she did for me. The Lord has brought me a long way in the past 41 years and he can comfort you. I don't think you will ever get over it. You sound like you have a very big heart and I will continue to pray you and all the birthmothers out there. Take care and God bless you!

Hi, I am working on an adoption book. It's an anthology of birthday writings from birthparents to the their children. I want to trace the healing process, the ups and downs over the years, and highlight the patterns in things that birthparents feel throughout the years. I would love to include this short piece if you would like to contribute to it. But, if this is a private feeling that you wanted to express, I can certainly understand that too. If interested, please email me at alyceahuebsch@hotmail.com. Thanks, Alycea