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I am in a bit of a dilema with my bson and do not know what to do. We have be reunited for 2 years and it has been wonderful. Within the last 1.5 I have been reunited with his bfather. We plan on being married and are expecting a baby in September. A little background history, I was 16 and living in a foster home at the time I was pregnant with my son. I gave him up knowing that life with me would be tough. Although the bfather and I always remained friends, he wasn't involved in the final decision of adoption.
Anyway, my bson was away studying a college semester in Spain since the beginning of the year and I informed him via email that we were being married and have invited him and his aparents. Now he has yet to meet his bfather and its 2 weeks before the wedding. We are trying to make arrangements but its been difficult with my son being away. Even before that I had mentioned that whenever he was ready to meet his bfather to let me know and I would arrange it. He never said anything more about it. My bson is very angry about a lot of different things, one being that his bfather should have made the initial contact with him. He claims that the bfather is the adult and it should be his repsonsiblity to make contact. I dont know what to do? My bson has said that he wants to meet him, see what he looks like, ask a few questions, but then after that he doesnt really care if he ever sees him or speaks with him again
Can someone help me understand the thoughts that go through an adoptive persons head? thanks
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M,
I'm an adoptee and I don't get him either. It seems to me he feels shortchanged by b-dad, but not you. There are no rules inreunion, but b-dad had no obligation to make first contact. Maybe after they met the situation will work itself out.
Maybe it's some kind of "man thing", in which case we'll never be able to figure it out. At least guys seem to be able to have conflicts, resolve them, and move on.
I'd say you have to just let things happen and try not to get in the middle of it too much. Easier said than done, I know, but b-son will have to work it out on his own with b-dad.
Good Luck,
LewEllen
Maryanne,
One possibility is that your son is still judging both you and his birth father for the situation at the time of his birth. It sounds like he's seeing you as a victim and his birthfather as being the bad guy. However right or wrong that may be, your son has to be willing to adjust his opinions according to what types of people you and the birth father are now. He can have feelings about the past, but can only have relationships in the present. Is his birth father communicating with him now? Is your son willing to listen? There may be a need for more effort on both their parts.
I am a birth father and I did search for and find my son. AS I told him the story of his beginnings and my villainy at that time, I asked him to examine his feelings and raise his questions about the past, but preserve his judgement until he came to know the person I have become over the last thirty years. That worked for us. Perhaps it is the type of dialog that your son and his father need to have.
One last thing- let them put all that off until after your wedding. That ceremony is about you and your soon-to-be husband, and it should be honored, and should be kept free of this other matter.
Congratulations on your wedding, and I hope the men get their differences resolved soon.
Rich
Hi
Perhaps your birth son is just not ready to meet his bfather?
Perhaps he is also feeling that now that he found you he needs it to be just you and him until he is ready to meet his b-father?
Also perhaps he was not planning to share you with anyone just yet and was getting settled and used to the situation as it stood, now all of a sudden you and his b-father are an item and there is a baby on the way - you will all be part of a family unit (a family unit that he would have / should have been a part of if he had not been adopted)?
He found you, found some comfort and expected some calm and continuity in the emotional rollercoaster and bang! all change! Not only did you change the situation by bringing in a new permanent partner - but 'the guy' who is the other half of his rollercoaster ride which he was not figuring on doing yet.? He also may feel pressured into meeting his b-father now?
Perhaps he also feels that he will be an outsider in the situation of a b-mother, b-dad and b-brother when he found a place recently in your life only and was comfortable with it?
I can imagine complex feelings could be created in this situation and the age of your reunion is not so old yet.
Just some possible ideas ....
Rowan
I just wanted to thank those few people who responded to my need for help. All of the information was helpful and I really appreciate the thoughts from a different perspective. I will keep an open mind and hope all works out.
PS. My son never called to wish me a Happy Mothers Day, that hurt. :-(
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First off Congrats on your upcoming or recent wedding!
Now as for your son, I think and this is just my opinion, he is feeling betrayed. You've had a relationship with your son for awhile now and birthfather has said or done nothing. That has to have hurt him. Now your marrying his birthfather after all these years. He's feeling like if your birthfather had done this years ago he wouldn't have been placed up for adoption to begin with. But Still Birthfather even with all the wedding plans has made no contact with him to even see how he feels about it. That would hurt even me and I am not adopted.
Now he is feeling like to see you he has to come face to face with a man that hasn't so much as said hello to him in all this time. Stop and think about how you would be feeling if you were him. I realize this is an issue between he and his Birthfather but his birthfather is a stranger to him and now your married to that stranger. If anything needs to happen it needs to be for his birthfather to make the first call to him and start talking to him and make him feel safe to come around again. Otherwise he won't visit, call or write for fear of Bdad answering the phone.
Take care and I'll keep you in my prayers
BSibling reunited with 2 Adoptees
Terri