Confused about aparents.

Wind Rider wrote..umm JJ Did You Ever Try SPYBOT? It kicks a*s My son did Ad Aware.. Spybot... CW Shredder...Hijack This.. And I have the professional version.. (darn I paid) of Pop Up Stopper.. Its still buggy.. I am going to have to keep plugging away reading how to get rid of this thing.. Never ever say yes to anything on the net.. I can't use my mail to get to the messages here.. What happens is when I cut and paste it changes the address I cut and paste into this spotadd thingee page.. Its a whole new ball game in crappy internet stuff.. Apparently its not a virus.. Its adware gone mad.. Jackie

Well.... maybe someone can help me understand my adoptive parents. Totally confused by them and very very hurt. I called my adoptive parents and my father answered the phone. He had asked me why I trying to contact my son and his exact quote.. " You need to forget about Patrick and that I think it is wrong that you are trying to make contact with him. He has the best of everything and he wanted to make sure he got the best schooling" If course I was furious. I was hurt and asked him.. are you trying to tell me that if I continue to make contact that you won't. That you don't understand that I am his mother and always have been.. and it was their money that has always been the biggest obstacle. He clearly made the distinction between my sister being their daughter and that I was just a baby maker for her.... I never felt so alone in my life. He also told me that Patrick is a child that deserves everything that I threw away by getting married early. I brought up Keith, Patrick's full brother and he said.. Well, He is different... I asked how so... and he refused to comment. My question to everyone is... How can I find forgiveness in my heart for these people that raised me???? I am so angry, and personally, would tell them all to pound rocks... but I have son that is still under their influence.... /when do I tell my son what these people have done??? Do I ever tell him the awful truth about they played god with their money and influential power to keep it in the court system until it would have done damage to my son mentally to be ripped from their home.... Do I tell him that it was them, knowing full well, that I couldn't afford the attorney's they used to keep him from me.. and it was them that refused every request to see him....although there is laws for Parenting Time now, although these are new laws. How do I tell him that his own grandparents and aunt and uncle have lied to him about me.... I also found out in the conversation, that it WAS my sister once again refusing to allow my son to see me and had forbidden him from talking to me in order to stay in the school he is at ( my adoptive father told me) HELP!!!!!!Any Input would be nice.... .

Well the way you can find to forgive is probably your only path to your own inner peace, especially for a series of events so close to your heart. IMO... your understanding of what exactly is forgiveness and who it is for can be broadened by the following two works. I got them at my library. THey are really good, my life has been a couple shades better because of them. Forgiving is for you. The art of forgiving [sound recording] / Casarjian, Robin. 158.1 C33a [1998]. CASSABK The art of forgiving : when you need to forgive and don't know how / Smedes, Lewis B. 234 S63a c1996. As for your other questions i have not the wisdom to have any answers. Some one please help her. ... All i can say is that you may want to record all your telephone conversations from now on. This may have benefits because as you review the conversations you may detect your own words and intonations and grow from that experience. Another benefit is that when your son is an adult he may listen to them and make up his own mind. He may even know the truth now but is sooo confused. He also knows where his vread comes from and that has a huge influence on loyalty. This taping may also be used as evidence of abuse. It may not be right to tape without their knowing, that is for you to decide. It also gives you empowerment to do something to try to understand the situation better. ... Maybe even start your own thread cause this problem will gain more exposure and replies which could offer help and support. Just copy and paste the exact post into a new one with a clear title. ... Stormy ... You have been heard. You have been accepted. You are worthy of your feelings and confusion. This is wrong. You are not at fault. I am sorry for what you are experiencing. Please take very good care of yourself. I am sure that in the end the truth will come out. Please hang in there and be yourself. Respect.

Dawn 74 I am an adoptee and i have known my whole life. I can honestly say that if my bmom contacted me i would not let a day go by without talking to her. No matter what difference there is between her and my life. I wish so much that I could meet her and who knows maybe someday. Your daughter does not know how lucky she is.

Krystal, I am sorry I didn't respond sooner, but I have been away until today. Thank you for your kind words of support. I wish you all the luck in the world while you search for your bmom. She will also be a lucky woman to have you find her. Until my bdtr decides she would like to have me as part of her life (in whatever shape or form) I will at least have the miracle of her birth and our one day of reunion to keep me. Again Good Luck in your search. Dawn

I just joined this forum and my reunion was well over 5 years ago. My bdaughter was wonderful at beginning but shortly after meeting me she too asked for no contact and she has held true to her words. Took me years to get past this and it was only last year that "I let go" of the fantasy that we could be mother * daughter even though it would be different. It was only this year that I realized that I was angry at her because she rejected me. I understand all of the issues that adoptees have and hoped that she would come to understand as she became older. What has helped me is that she may choose never to enter my life again but I know that each time she looks into the mirror she sees me as we look just alike. Now she knows where she got that smile from, the tilt of her head, the free spirit of her soul, and in this I receive comfort. I gave her life but it was her adoptive parents who lived her life and that I feel is where the control of our destiny is. I am sure they are a part of why we are apart and that I can respect - afterall they have loved her a lifetime. I love this child that I gave birth too and I continue to have hope that one day .... God has blessed me with 2 other wonderful children and one precious granddaughter but still I have pain that lingers with me for the loss of my bdaughter and I continue to work at living life. This past year I have been battling breast cnacer and glady I say I am in remission. Life is truly short and I have great hopes that one day she will say hello. I just wanted to share. Reunions can be disappointing but yet wonderful just in the fact that I was blessed enough to say Hello to the baby girl I lost to adoption so long ago.

KathyLou I am curious as to your daughter's age? I haven't been on this forum that long (a few months) and I am new to reunion (about 3 months with Bmom and will meet Bdad in 9 days). But, I have read and read and read on the forum. It seems that reunions where the adoptee is less than 32-35 are "less smooth", for lack of a better way to phrase it. I am curious as to how old your daughter is. I think when we are in our 20's and early 30's we are still working out so much of WHO WE ARE... that integrating a parent - who hasn't been a parent in the traditional sense... and learning how to juggle multiple families and the resulting jealousies etc is just too overwhelming. I just turned 40 (today) and I can say that this has been the strangest and most wonderful and totally obsessively compulsive 3 1/2 months of my life.... and that is saying something. I think it is great that you are in a place where you can hopefully continue to "sit quietly" with the absence of your daughter. Don't give up hope... time is a wonderful thing and she may come back to you again one day. I wish you a peaceful heart. Thank you for sharing. christi

ChristiBender I don't necessarily agree to your theory. I am a 25 year old adoptee and i would willingly open my arms and my life to my birthparents. I have juggled different families for the past 15 years. My aparents got divorced when i was 10. I have the pleasure of balancing my mom and her family, my dad and his wife, My dads family, my stepmoms family and my in-laws. It can be done I do it every year. My kids get 3 or 4 christmas' but it gets done. I see everyone in my family 4-5 times a year because the closest family member to me is over 4 hours away. To me it depends on where the adoptee is in their life. I am married 2 kids and want my mother in my life so bad. I always wanted her but when i got pregnant with my 1st it turned into needing her. and as i get older it gets stronger. To me i will always want/need my mother. But as the time passes without her there is more time to have to make up. There is some medical problems that i have and still have that i need to know if they are genetic or fluke. I have my childrens futures to think about. and my own. I personaly think the longer you wait the harder it will be. Because i find myself thinking why hasn't she looked for me. why did she abandon me? when my first child turned 14 months ( the last time my mother saw me). I got extremely angry with her i wanted to know how you could just leave someone after being there for the 1st. i could not imagine under any circumstances leaving my child at all. I do not even like going away for a few days because i am afraid that something might happen to where i would never see either of them again. I was alone when i got pregnant with my 1st up until she was 2 months old i considered doing open adoption for like a day because I had no way of being able to care for a child: no money, no place to live, nothing. But i decided against it and i was exetremly lucky because now i have everything: the husband 2 kids house car. But that doesn;t happen to everyone.

I am glad to see you here on the forum. What makes this place wonderful is the sharing of ideas and experiences. Congrats on your ability to juggle your various families. I commend you on that. I also "hear" you that your need for your Bmom is growing. It is great that you can acknowledge that that is what it is ... instead of just feeling a growing need and not knowing what it is that is missing. Have you started your search? What have you done so far? When did you start? Have you talked to your adoptive parents about it? How do they feel? What info do they have for you and are they willing to share it? Not everyone needs time to step back from reunion....and maybe you wouldn't be one who would. I was simply stating that from what I have read (which I understand is about 1/100 of what is here on this forum) it seems that the younger adoptees sometimes have so much going on in their lives that they need some extra time to process. May God grant you the opportunity to find your bmom, have a reunion and post a happy story here for all of us to read. Christi

Christi I have been trying to find my bmom since i was 18. I have even had montel williams' people look but they could not find out anything. I have done people searches, but i have no idea if she has gotten married. I have looked a marriage certificates in the state that i was born in but none where in the correct age range. My amom wants to help, but she has not really supplied any helpful info other than their names (which are really common names so that makes it hard). My adad thinks that i will turn my back on him when i find my other family, but he is my daddy and i would never do that. He never treated me like i was adopted, infact him and my amom had 3 kids before (their own) and my adad is closer to me than the others. My husband has listened to my amom and he thinks that she knows a lot more then she is telling me, she denies it. My adad was a truckdriver at the time so he knows less then my amom, which makes him very little help. My sis was around 12 at the time of the adoption so she knows some stuff and has tried to help me. The state of Illinios is sending me the papers to fill out to register there. The agency that i was adopted through wants me to pay them $175 for non-identifying info and over $300 for them to find my bmom and contact her to let her know that i want to meet her. My doctor said he would get the medical records opened because he can do it for free. Which would be very helpful right now. Other than that i have no idea where else to look

I have never heard of paying for non id info. Hum..... Have you checked out the part of this forum for your state.. maybe there are some tips there. If you have the names of your bparents, and they are common that is a pain.... but still WAYYYYYYY better than nothing. She could have moved to another state and then got married. In that case it would be harder and the agency would be your best bet as they might have her social security number or something of that nature. I don't know what to tell you..... except to encourage you to get your non id info and to develop a relationship with someone at the agency. That kind of thing can make or break your search efforts. I know the idea of paying $300 to have them search is frustrating (can you say UNDERSTATEMENT????)... but I would at least see what you get for the $300.... is that a guaranteed successful search? Or an attempt? Or a certain number of hours? $300 to get an opportunity to have a relationship with your bfamily is a drop in the bucket.... in the big picture of things. Of course that is easy for me to say from here, huh? ;) I know that adoptive parents sometimes know more than they are willing to say. Have you charted all the pieces of info that you THINK you have.... sometimes writing it all down in one place can make something "clear" that wasn't before. Also, have you searched your parent's home? Looked for papers that might be hidden with more clues? Tread lightly on your parents' feelings.... that part of reunion can get VERY emotional and horribly upsetting if you don't handle it with kid gloves right from the start. There are several threads on this forum now that are dealing with aparent's resulting pain after their children have found their bparents. It is heartwrenching to read. :( If your doctor can do anything on the medical record side of it I would sure get them too... you never know if you will get a SS# or some other hint... clue...anything... a grandparent name could be huge as well as that might lead you to an obit and they are a HUGE help. Did you check classmates.com? My bmom was there and it was amazing how much that helped my search! Good luck. Keep us posted.

Thanks so much for your input! I feel so much the way you do. I will just sit back and if and when she is ready, I will be here. Until then, I will continue to be thankful for the one day I had, when I was able to meet her as an adult, tell her the 'Story of Her' and to tell her how much I have loved her all of these years. I realize our bdtrs probably don't feel the love as deeply as we do, as our love for them grew from the first moment we realized we were pregnant. My wish is now, as it always has been... that she is a healthy, happy, well adjusted individual. And from what I saw and what her aparents and asister shared with me. All of this is true. They did a wonderful job raising our daughter and I will leave it in God's hands for the final outcome. God Bless Dawn

Dawn You are sounding so much more peaceful than you were a few weeks ago. I hope that you feel that way too.... or at least feel that way more often. I think you are a strong woman and your presence here on the forum is a gift to us all. Thank you for your show of "acceptance".... it is sometime we can all learn or improve on and you are surely a tribute to how it is done. Warm Hugs....

Christi, Thank you for your generous words of encouragement. You always give me a positive response! I appreciate that. For the biggest part, being on the forum and just reading all of the posts has helped me to be able to cope with my feelings much better. I do feel more at peace with my situation. I have just picked up some of the reading material that Wind_Rider suggested to me and will start reading that tonight. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Dawn

Dear Christmas73, I can't believe that I never mentioned to my psychotherapist either that I had given my daughter up for adoption. What was I thinking? Why didn't I ever realize that this was a tremendous burden to deal with by myself. Nobody ever suggested that I might need to get some counseling after what I went through. I guess everybody assumed that - it was done and overwith and I should just "get over it". But I never will. I still dream of being pregnant and raising my own children. Unfortunately, that will never happen in this lifetime. Anyway, good luck in your reunion. Dawn