Hello! Am new! Have questions!

Hi! So many of us feel the way you do. I had wonderful adoptive parents but I did not feel complete either. You said that you were" misrepresented by the liason" is there any way you can contact your bmom yourself? Or try again with a different liason? That is so sad and must be so frustrating too. In my own case the first time I sought contact, the social worker from the adoption agency did not give my bmom a letter that I had written to her and was very "cold" in his approach. So the door was slammed shut on me too. But years later I have reunited with my bsiblings and it has been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I agree that we are all adults now and things have changed so much since we were placed for adoption. But bmom's do carry their emotions all of their lives. If they had an especially difficult time when they had us, our showing up brings these emotions to the surface once more. Sometimes it just takes time and understanding. Maybe she is ready now to "deal" with her emotions. Happy holidays and I will wish the best for you! Snuffie

Thanks for the reply Snuffie. I do try to keep things in perspective but got caught up in my self, you reminded me to consider what she had gone through and what had attached itself to that experience. I do have her name and even her address. I thought I'd accepted that she did not want to meet me but she holds the key to my b-dad and it was clearly stated in the non-i.d. info that she did not wish him to know. She was told by the agency that contacted her if she changed her mind and wished contact she could go to them and they would assist. Do I wait and wait out of respect for her feelings? I have no faith in the agency to speak on my behalf and they won't again but they seemed to like her well enough. The social worker said "she sounds like such a nice person, very eager to give medical info, had wanted too, how nice to have the chance, meet her? no way, have a nice life.!"When asked to give some info about myself I did but all that they chose to pass on to her was that I was a very private person, the end. Linda

I read your posts, and you have a very touching story. You kind of remind me of myself. I wanted to contact my B-father, and his side of my family, but do NOT want to see him, as there are some un-resolved abuse issues from my childhood there, that I am unwilling to face now. Anyways, I decided to write him a letter, saying how I was, how I had grown up, and what I was up to now. Because I didn't want him to know my last name, I told him to feel free to send anything to my Grandma's house, on my B-mom's side, whom I've had contact with for about the last 4 years. So now, I have a way of communicating with him, without directly having to face the issues. Maybe if you b-mom get's all the fact about you, from you , without actually having to face you, she'll have more time to respond, and warm up to the past that was probably very painfull for her. Good luck!

I did try to write. I was very careful. The outside evelope addressed to her married name. Inside that, a letter stating that it was of a confidential nature and if this person could please consider what I have to say. Inside another stamped envelope, a letter telling a little about myself, that I mean not to intrude or interfer but just that I would like to know something of my past and the people who are part of it. All opportunity to 'return to sender', say 'go away' or even 'hi, how are ya?' I sent it registered so I would know that it had been delivered. It was so funny though because when I checked the letter's status on the internet and it had been 'delivered and received' I had a picture in my head of a woman opening the door and eagerly signing for this letter and it was just a matter of minutes before she would try to reach me....but...no....notta. No letter returned either. Why not I wondered. Why not take the out I offered and 'return to sender' It wouldn't have even cost her a stamp. I guess that's just one more question to add to the stack.

Ah. Now the waiting begins. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you Linda. Try to keep busy. I know I did so I wouldn't obsess about what was going on. I'll be thinking about you!

Isn't there another way to find B-dad? I considered something in the paper. I wouldn't use names I don't know his of course)but could I put the little unidentifying info that I did receive in the want ads, I don't know, say 'If you were a guy messing around with a girl in 1961 I could be yours!' That sounds crass, I know, but something along that line. He was married and had a child at the time, was apprenticing in a trade, was meeting b-mom at her part-time job and giving her 'rides' home. There was a vague desciption but not much more. Any suggestions? Thanks for listening and replying and also for making me feel connected to someone out there. We are not alone.

Hi It would be very difficult I think to figure out what to say in a newspaper ad with the info. that you have and without mentioning your bmom's name. Also, my non ID was not accurate in the bdad section so some info may not be quite right if that is where you are taking the info. from. Bdads seem to be a lot more difficult to find due to many reasons. Maybe after you hear from bmom and somewhere down the road she could "help" you. although this may be a "long shot" if she is unsure of wanting contact. I know how frustrating it is! There is a man named on my original adoption papers but the agency told me not to hold too much weight in it as names were changed back then. :eek: I have searched and searched for this man and nothing. There is another man who I think is my bdad but as I have explained in other posts there are many reasons why I cannot push to find the answer. I am facing the very real possibility that I may never know for sure who he is. Sad, but true. I keep hoping that someone will "pop out of the woodwork" and tell me! If anyone has any better ideas for you or me - I would love to hear them!

Do you know which adoption agency you were adopted through? All I had to do as go to mine, and they gave me copies of everything in my adoption file, including my original birth certificate, and original social security card. That may help you. I am not sure where you live, but in MN they have to keep adoption records on file for 99 years. That may be an option for you.......? :confused:

Another good point, I have heard that not all non-i.d. is acurate and it is a long shot. I wonder if our life lesson is patience. And to look for a man and he not be the right one? That's really unfair. I was born in Ontario, and adopted through the CAS. I have been to them, many years ago now, and they told me 'all that they could'. I wish they could just tell me what and if b-dad's name's on the identifying part (of course there's that wrong-name potential) and I wouldn't feel like it's such a dead end. I am on the gov's list for search, that's how the b-mom was found and given the opportunity to say nay. At that point I asked for another search for 'dad' and went to the bottom of the list. I called and asked my status a few weeks ago and was told it could/would be a very long time and if I could search on my own go ahead. My adoption paper my a-parents gave me has a given name on it which I suppose not all do and it includes the b-mom's last name. That was helpful and led me to a b-gramma. I met her, whew, that was an interesting visit (and a very big slamming door metaphorically speaking) but she did confirm I had the right people. You know, all of this is so wierd, we are born and sent off to have our lives. We try to fit in and be complete and don't get me wrong, I'm sure some do as with anything, but it is our birthright to know. It feels wrong for someone else to have that information and tell us that we can't, and for a gov. to make rules saying that we can't and to 'be considerate of their feelings'(b-parents). Sure I will, just don't make me yell so loud about my own feelings!!!!! Sorry all. I'm not like this all the time.

I totally agree with you. It does seem wrong that others have the info. that directly concerns us and we can't have it! I am usually a very passive person, but on this subject I turn bright red and look like I am going to "explode." I don't think that we adoptees have made enough of a "noise" on this subject. We really need to have our feelings considered and heard. So many people have so many misconceptions about adoption and adoptees. Yes, even now when everything is supposed to be so open. Don't even get me started on a birth first cousin of mine who verbally attacked me about even searching because my showing up changed the way she perceived HER world. It is so frustrating.

I've never had any one try to tell me not to search and even through we, my siblings(there's 4 of us, all from different places) have the same upbringing, we all have different opinions about searching. My a-sis, connected with her b-mom and (full)b-bro (Ha! this sounds weird) and they had been looking for her all her life meeting a deadend when they didn't know what her married name was. When she started to search she had very quick results, her b-mom has registered with a data-base, the same one she checked with first.1 a-bro searched to find out he was a big-bad-secret like myself. He has a b-bro but they never really connected and they lost touch. Another a-bro chose not to search at all 'what's the point, nothing's gonna change.' he said. He's not a real positive or honest person though. Rejection works in mysterious ways, right, even if that wasn't the intention when we were placed for adoption. I am a very private person, yes, better to be cautious then to put yourself out there being told your not worth it.

it's ok your not the only one we all feel that way sometimes it's apart of being who we are. here's a question for you have you ever looked at your self and just thought i wonder if i look like my mother or if i have the strong attitude like my father.it's fine for you to question your self but do your self a favour don't let yourself let go of the person that you are and the person you want to be go out and create who you are and give adoptees a reason to believe that if you search hard enough and if you really believe in yourself and what your doing then you can achieve anything you want don't give up.

it's ok your not the only one we all feel that way sometimes it's apart of being who we are. here's a question for you have you ever looked at your self and just thought i wonder if i look like my mother or if i have the strong attitude like my father.it's fine for you to question your self but do your self a favour don't let yourself let go of the person that you are and the person you want to be go out and create who you are and give adoptees a reason to believe that if you search hard enough and if you really believe in yourself and what your doing then you can achieve anything you want don't give up.

Hi Zara85 I have looked at myself and wondered, I've looked at my children and wondered. There's some strong and similar characteristics there that I'm sure didn't start with me.....it's not enough. It's like there is more than one person. No, I don't think I have multiple personalities, I think that we put on a face and wear it for a while then try another. There is just no roots, no grounding force allowing us to be whole. I can be going along, doing just fine and the next second(after just a thought or a comment) and everything is whooshed out from under me. Now is that a similarity among the adopted or is that just an insecure soul?