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I have been thinking about adopting as a single person. I have mixed feelings and sometimes I sometimes feel positive and sometimes negative about it. My father imigrated to the U.S. from another country and I came later (as a child) and he raised me as a single parent. I was thinking about adopting a child from the country I was born. Aside from my dad I don't have any other family here, so if I were to adopt I'd probably live with my dad because he could look after the child while I was at work and I would save on daycare, seperate apartment etc.
I'm not sure if this arrangement would be in best interest of the child or how I might feel about it later. Would my child feel really different when they compared themselves to other families. Would it be more "normal" for me to live alone with my child closeby to my dad. It would be much easier to live with my dad but would people think it is strange to do this or shouldn't I care what others think since everyone's situation can be different. You who have already adopted, if you were in my situation would you still have adopted. Sorry for the rambling but I could use some good advice. Thank you.
Shari
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This issue is between you and your Dad. Since you are planning to possibly live with him, and ask him to help you raise your child, you should bring him in on your plans now. If he is supportive, who cares what the rest of the world thinks!
My Mom and I live together and have, for all practical purposes, co-parented my son. Before we decided to live together, we thoroughly discussed finances, chores, dating, parenting expectations, job schedules, etc. We have still had misunderstandings that have had to be worked out, but our situation has worked for us. When one of my son's teachers made a comment that he only had one parent, he corrected her quite emphatically that he has two parents - a mom and a grandma. It has worked for him, and it has worked for us. We both hate to live alone, so we do better with each other as a roommate. We have had plenty of negativity about our "non-traditional" family. We can't get family rates at the YMCA or our city's community center. She can't obtain medical or school information without written documentation from me giving her that permission, etc. The most negativity has come from our family, who finally after 9 years is starting to accept our living arrangements. However, we have chosen to do what is right for us and disregard others' opinions.
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I agree with the advice that this is something you should talk about with your dad. You generally have to demonstrate that you are financially able to take on the responsibility of parenting. In international adoption, it probably is less of an issue about whether living with your dad makes you seem, well, not grown-up; in most places in the world, people do have a lot more contact with their extended family & it's not unusual for grown children to be living with parents, marrying, having kids, etc., without getting a separate place.
Part of the adoption process (whether domestic or international) includes having a home study done by a social worker, and getting background checks on all the adults living in the household, which would include your father.
I adopted as a single mom at the age of 47. I don't think you stated your age in your post, but it's possible that if you're very young, an agency or a judge may think you are too young to take on this responsibility.
I used to consider trying to have a child on my own, and came to the conclusion that it just didn't feel right to me. I didn't know what I would say to the child about the father, and everything about it just seemed like a selfish thing to do to a child. I don't feel that way about adoption. There are so many kids that need families that I don't think it's wrong for a single person to adopt. Sure, it would be nice if everybody got two great parents, but there are a lot of people who start out married & get divorced before their kids are done growing up.
Best wishes to you.
I also wanted to add that it is very hard as a single parent to get everything done that you need to do, work, taking care of your child, etc. I think having another family member to help is a good thing.
Depending on the age of the child you adopt, this may vary, but for me, I find it hard to even get simple errands done with my 2-yr-old in tow. The whole thing of just getting her in & out of the car seat is a hassle; she usually hates to go back in it & there's a wrestling match. I can't tell you how many times since we got home from Russia at the end of August 2003 I've wished somebody was there to watch her for me for just a few minutes while I run an errand. And how come there just aren't any places to get drive-through-chocolate? LOL, you get my point.
I have to second all that manon said. Also the SW doing the homestudy may want to interview your Dad about his beliefs regarding raising children, discipline, expecations, etc. He will need to have a background check done and will need to be fingerprinted by USCIS if you're living together. If you're compatible roommates and can work out all the details AND he is supportive, even excited, about your adoption plans, go for it. If your age or income make it difficult for you to begin the adoption process yet, go ahead and make plans, including stashing money away every month for the inevitable costs and paying off bills. Then you'll be miles ahead when you actually begin the process.
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Ditto on the things said about single parenting. I also adopted as a single. The house was definitely "messier" and drive throughs are a blessings. While it is inconvenient at times, I would not trade it. It would be great having family in the house.
I would say go for it. You may need to discuss dating and future marriage issues so that everyone is on the same page.
As long as you and your dad are okay with the arrangement and willing to work through any difficulties or annoyances, I think it sounds like a teriffic idea!
There is no such thing as a "normal" family in the U.S. today. Families come in all sizes, shapes, colors, multicolors, and configurations. I agree with the other posters - it IS tough be a single parent and having the support is so helpful and so appreciated.
You know, if we worried about "everyone's" opinions of how we should live our lives, we'd inevitably forget "someone." In other words, it is absolutely impossible to please other people and the best we can do is to make decisions that are well-informed and healthy for ourselves and our children.
Good luck to you.