What name should Bastien call his birthparent?

Tell her if she wants to be called mom maybe she should pay child support. Tell her you'll take custody and be his other mom she's willing to do that, but if your adopting him she should not be called mom. I would personally be uncomfortable with my bdaughter calling me mom. I can definitly understand why you would be uncomfortable with her being called mom also. It sounds like she wants to be the mom but with none of the responsibility, and maybe his grandma let her be the mom without the responsibility. I have a stepsister with a 3 year old. My grandma is raising her daughter and my stepsister -shes 25 with no job and also lives in my grandma's home. She leaves for days at a time not saying when shell be back or even telling my grandma she left.

You know, to a young child, it most likely does not really matter. They know who is mothering them. They know who to run to when they need help or love or care. I can understand how you might feel that the child will be confused, but a few phone calls does not a parent make and he will know that. There is a great book called Hope was here by Joan Bauer. Maybe it will help you see the long haul. The main character is a teen-ager who has been raised by her aunt.

We call my son's birthmother (he's only 2, so it's not an issue to him yet!) JessicaMama. That way we are acknowledging that she's his mother, too, but it's different from what he calls me. We got the idea from a book about an open adoption we read, The Story of David. Since she is your sister, maybe you could come up with something special, combining Aunt with some term referring to mother, like Auntie Mama. Is there a special term in Belgium perhaps (Do you all speak French, or is there actually a Belgian language?)? You say she has psychological problems, so that's something to consider, but also, this sounds like it's fairly new, so maybe it's hard for her right now. Even if she wasn't being a mother to him, she obviously feels like a mother, and it's painful. I have a sister who had an abortion as a teenager, then a child at 19, and another in her 20's, and although she has raised her sons, she's had a lot of help from my mother, which is hard on her, and is still not able to support herself and her youngest (the eldest is away at art college; not only does he have to pay his own way, she borrows money from him, which I think is terrible). Good luck!

You know we are adopting my nephew. He is just two, and rarely sees his bparents. We call my sister a nickname that my other children call her, and we call his bfather "papa" because my husband is daddy. Perhaps you could call your sister- something in the same line as mom- maybe the french word? Or Mimi- something special that would note her special place in his life. To your child its just going to be a name, but to your sister, she will get an acknowlegement of her relationship. You will be the mom no matter what anyone else is called. My older daughter's adoption was open and we call her bparents by their first names. But because of the family relationship with my son's adoption we had to think of an alternative. Hope everything works out Lisa

I want to thank all of you for your responses. It helps to read what other people who have lived through similar situations did. I still haven't figured out what to do, but I understand different points of view now. I guess one of my problems is that she barely gave him any attention for the last 3 years, and, now, suddenly, she's calling all the time (she called 3 times already this week), she wants to talk to him, tells him she misses him, and that she can't come and visit because she doesn't have the money (on the other hand, she's leaving for Egypt in a couple of weeks). I'm trying real hard to keep a positive attitude towards her. Bastien doesn't want to talk to her when she calls. I try to lovingly trick him to talk to her. I talk about her often, and have told him his birth story. When I explain to her for the 4th time why I'd like her to stick with the plan (me=maman and mommy-I speak to him in both languages-and her any special name that she thinks represents her being his birthmom, she says I'm trying to steal him away, that I'm dramatizing, that I'm a rival... She says that he chooses spontaneously who to call maman (when he does speak to her, he does call her maman since it's the name he's heard for the last 3 years...) Finally, today, I told her I would let him choose spontaneously and stop beg him to talk to her.. When he finally agrees to talk to her, he'll call her what he wants since she thinks I'm trying to do harm...In the nearly 4 months he's been here, Bastien has never asked about her. The adoption was in the works since last year, and he knew he was going to come and live with us. From day one, he adopted us (my mom did a great job preparing him...)I was just trying to keep some kind of a relationship between them, and she, as she has done her whole life, just puts herself first... She had an abortion years ago, she tells everybody he was an accident, but now that I'm adopting him, she wants him to call her "maman?"Sorry I'm venting, it's just hard for me to see that she will never change. I keep on thinking that she will come to her senses and she doesn't. He'll call her maman, I haven't figured out what to have him call me in French, he'll call me mommy in English. And I guess, I'll just have to keep the contact down so that i can keep my own sanity. Once again, thank you all and best of luck in your own life adventure.

I think your sister's feelings should be taken into account. Maybe he can call her his other mommy. If she doesnt not sign then thats her right. But you and her need to come to some agreement. He possibly can her his other mommy or his second mom or something.

We also are in a relative placement and things can sometimes be a little "different" than the standard open-adoption. Yes, our children will see their birthfamily at all family functions and everyone around will know the circumstances. This can make things easier or more difficult, depending on the relative. Now, our son calls his birthmom, Mama "first name". Our other children call her Aunt "first name"- even though she isn't their aunt, but her age dictates the title for respect. (If the children end up calling her Mama "first name" also, then that's okay with the birthmom too.) It means, she has a very special place in our family. K.

I am also in the process of adopting a family member. I am adopting my cousin's son. He was going to be placed into a boys ranch. He has already been sent to a psych hospital twice. I couldn't let him go to a boys home. I felt things could only get worse for him there. Quite of a few of my family and myself talked to her about adoption. She had considered letting another cousin adopt him, so the thought had crossed her mind. Of couse the benefit of letting a family member adopt him would be that she could still see him and know how he was doing. He has done well the past two months in my home and began calling me mom within 3 days of living here. He has not asked for her once. She and her mother have visited about once a week for a couple of hours and he has handled it well. His grandmother (my aunt) asked if he could stay the night the other day and we had activities planned so I had an excuse to say no. Their parenting style or lack of is what has him in the situation he is in now. Extended overnight visits has me extremely concerned. I know they won't physically hurt him, but emotionally and psychologically I think they have already caused damage although they don't see themselves to blame. They are the type of people that there is always a reason or someone else at fault for their life predicaments. Anyways, have you had this issue brought up about how open the adoption is going to be? Will overnight visits be allowed? By the way he calls her momma melissa and me momma or mommy. She didn't like it at first and I'm sure it hurt, but she has told me that she accepts it.

I have allowed my son one overnight visit with his bparents. He did fine. However since then the bparents have been in some self destructive situations, and I have told them that all visits must be suprevised. If you have real reasons to not want an overnight visit, I would say you don't think your son is ready for that and will let them know when he is. Maybe in six months you will feel comfortable, maybe not. Treat the birthmom fairly and with respect, but don't put your son in a situation that is wrong for him. You are his mother now and one of your jobs is to protect him. Sometimes that protection is really uncomfortable. I know have taken flak from one particular family member who refuses to acknowledge my sister's shortcomings and thinks we should give her 24 hour access to my son. Its hard but I know his welfare is priority. Good luck Lisa

I posted a similar question to this in the General Adoptive Parent's Support Forum and got some pretty good responses. My situation is different because our daughter is not related biologically. But basically what I got back was support in not referring to her bfather as "Daddy" or "Papa". I'm guessing that the reason that you wrote in (as did I) is because you don't want him to call her that? I do think in your situation it would be very important to be honest though. My conclusion is to offer to have all of our children call our daughter's bfather "Uncle S", and if he is not happy with that he can go by just "S". I don't know if you have other children or not, but I thought that was a good way to play this -- explaining that we want all of our children to be able to call everybody involved in their life the same thing. We are in more of a position to "lay down the law" however as he has relinquished. Good luck!

I think birth parents ought to be called by their first name by their birth child.