Birthmothers please help

Aishlin, How long had you been searching before you saw your daughter's posting? Was it on these forums or somewhere else? I agree with you in saying that the need to know and connect does not diminish, it escalates. Best of luck to all of you who are searching, Barbara

Hi, Aishlin here, and I was searching on and off for about 6 years. I found her posting on site where you plug in the date of birth and nearly had a heart attack when it connected with her info. Actually did it a number of times because I couldn't believe it. I had searched so many registers over the years that I couldn't believe that the one I missed could possibly be the answer to my search. I would search continuously and then back off when I felt the dark clouds forming, only to come back at a later date to search again. I never posted my info, again for some reason I didn't think I had the right to although that makes absolutely no sense in retrospect. As fate would have it, I had to wait til after the NewYear weekend because the contact was her office email -- those few days were sooooooooooo long. Best wishes, A

For the longest time, I didn't feel like I had the right to search. But then I woke up one morning and decided to put my name out there in case she was looking. As it turns out the agency was able to locate her parents. They spoke with her and she is not ready to have contact. If she does decide in the future, then her information will be right there at the agency. Barbara

1ladyb wrote.. I supress the pain I feel because I don't know why I feel so bad. I don't want to bring her any pain either, bringing up such an old situation.... the questions remain, I wish the feelings and questions would go away.... I think the way out of this is acceptance.. If she can't do it she can't do it.. As the IChing would say.. " No blame". Our society or the society in the old days forced women into hiding.. Forced to relinquish and forced to not come to terms with it.. I bet you could start a thread in a birthmom section with your question ('s).. There is a great depth of knowledge here. Jackie

Thank you jackie.... I will do that. I have accepted it. That is what makes it difficult. I have always wanted basic questions answered... and I have accepted the fact that I will never know. Acceptance does not make it easier. I know God is my ultimate creator, and I would not be here today if it were not for him...I am still left wondering about by biological heritage.... she wouldn't even give a non-identifying medical report. :)

Today is my Daughters birthday. I have had my name in registries for 7 years now I can widen my search but the truth is Im not sure how she will react to me I am just as fearful. She is 26 today and I love her deeply. She has 3 beautiful siblings 1 19 year old sister and two brothers 11 and 15. I have shared with my daughter and she would love to meet her only sister, my 15 year old knows, and my husband has always been very supportive of me finding her and having her be a part of our family. I have prayed for her ever since I placed her in the arms of 2 christian parents. at 16 I was told I just couldn't raise a child on my own. I didn't know any better. Keep searching and take a chance she may feel as I

Molly, Have you tried going to the agency which handled the adoption? Good Luck in your search, Barbara

Barbara, This was a private adoption. And to be honest, I really want to make sure its what she wants. As far as I am concerned She is the most importaint person here and if she doesn't want to know me, I would not want to hurt her by pushing myself on her or having her the stress of making that decision. I have signed up with all the registries I could and my records are open she would just need to ask the Lawyer's involved and they have permission to give out my info. so I just pray and wait. and pray and wait. I am waiting upon the the timing of the Lord. Thanks Molly

Aislin and others, thank you - I am understanding a little more each day about what could possibly be some of the things my birthmother herself thinks or has gone through. I haven't even committed myself to a search - Aislin, you hit the nail on the head when you said you just looked for your daughter's info but didn't post yourself because you didn't feel like you had the right. I feel that way on the adoptive person's end! So far I haven't seen anything. I have lots of fears about posting and really "searching". I fear I'm opening a pandora's box. I'm still too scared that I may mess up the comfortable life I have with my family and adoptive parents and hurt people while I try to search. Thanks again for your posts, you REALLY help me work all this out for myself. Ladies, birthmoms are WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!! Walking Angels. P.S. Aislin I love your irish name, I'm told my bmom was from Ireland.

I've been a birthmother for 27 years and one of the happiest days of my was finally receiving the phone call I waited for for 23 years....the one from my adoption agency telling me my daughter contacted them. I have never met a birthmother who didn't dream of hearing from her child. My daughter knew I was receptive to reunion, she said she wouldn't have tried to contact me otherwise. Rejection is the biggest fear between adoptees and birthmothers, but 99% of reunions I know of are positive ones. By all means, don't let fear stop you from searching. The medical history is so important, but so is your personal history, hearing your story. Sure there are risks, but ask yourself, would it be better to know, or not know?

I think it is wonderful that you were happy to hear from the adoption agency when they contacted you.... I always wonder what that call would/is like. I am a 25 year old adoptee, and when I did my search at 22 the fears I always had came true; she told the adoption agency she wanted to know nothing about me and to never contact her again. That hurt. I will respect her wishes, but I would not change what I did. Christinask-- don't let fear stop you. I think almost all adoptees have questions of where and who they come from, who do you look like, do I act like them (bio. parents).... the questions I think can go on and on. I know it is a hard decision to make~ but it is yours to make. You just have to be ready for whatever the outcome. Make sure you have a good support system-- and whatever the outcome you will stand strong. Best wishes in whatever you choose to do! :D ;)

KNOWING IS BETTER THAN WONDERING WHAT IF?

Since joining the forum two months ago I have learned SO much. Truly, I didn't even know that there were birthmoms out there looking. I thought the searchers in the world were adoptees who had been troubled all their lives. I didn't really "get it" or think about it. Even when thinking about adoption law reform and open records, I used to think "why would they open the records and violate the birthmom's privacy?" I really believed that birthmoms moved on and never looked back. I realize now the extent of my misinformation. Thanks to the candor and honesty of all you birthmoms, I have an even greater respect and understanding of what you have all been through and still struggle with. I will continue my search, come what may. I have no information yet about my bmom and already it is a journey, just learning about the search and reunion process and dealing with the new emotions I am feeling. Thanks for your support - your words and thoughts on all of this are invaluable to me and have REALLY opened my eyes.

Hi! I am a 22-year-old birthmother who placed my daughter for adoption one year ago. I am in a semi-open adoption situation, and am hoping and praying that my daughter will one day want to take advantage of the info available to her. I can tell you that for this birthmother, it is my one greatest wish. These next seventeen years I consider to be only a waiting period until I can see her again. Anything else that happens is secondary to this. I know that circumstances of violence and victimization can cause birthmothers to remain anonymous. But there are also birthmothers out there who hope with all their might that their son or daughter will desire to find them. I hope for all of us, if not total resolution, some form of peace with our adoptions. ----------------------------------------------- "I was her she was me, we were young we were free, and if there's somebody calling me on, she's the one"

:flowergift: "I was wondering how any of you would feel about your birth child finding you after 31 years, and what are my chances of having a relationship?" I am a B-mother, now 49 years old, but just 15 when I had my daughter. 31 years passed before we found each other! For me it was the answer to all my prayers and the answer to those questions I never knew to ask. It was as if for the 1st time in all those years I could remember..."who I was", and not who I had pretended to be since that sad day. My b-daughter grew up as an only child, according to her she was very close to her a-mother who sadly passed away when she was only 17 years old. She too is married now, for 6 years, and they have a 3 year old son. I'd love to be able to tell you that your chances of having a good relationship with your B-mother are great..they may very well be...I truly hope so for all involved. IMO, I say you should continue in your search, but be ever present of your motives and in realizing that as with most all of us...IMO, we all have our issues and some of which are not related specifically to the events of the birth/ or adoption, try to allow for those emotions of which you may not understand or cannot relate to..IMO...it is best to just be yourself, do not try to second guess what the other is thinking or feeling, express as best you can what YOU feel, what YOU wish for, YOUR thoughts...etc, and leave your insecurities at the door! I hope you find your b-mother and everything turns out as you wish...with loving thoughts.....Denise:love: