How do you know which families are okay for your child to spend the night with?

Be careful. I let my daughter spend the night at a friends house to early in to placement. I thought I knew the family well enough that she would be OK. Nothing serious happened to my daughter, but the two girls got in trouble spilling nail polish, and the mom was quite angry with her daughter, and ended up scaring my daughter. I thought I had prepared the mom about the amount of energy the overnight would take, because her daughter had spent the night with us a couple of times, and I thought I knew her well enough because she worked at my daughter's day care, the girls had gone on playdates and parties together, and we talked (albeit breifly) on almost a daily basis.

well your posting because you have concerns. so i wouldnt do it. like anna, any one who even watches our kids, have had to have a cori and DSS had to approve it. i think sleep overs would be out of the question unless they are for respite care, which then they would be certified. again, clearly you have concerns, so i wouldnt do it. shes in foster care, so im assuming there are some issues. I wouldnt trust or expect anyone, to understand my children and their special needs. as a poster wrote before around the little girl who got in trouble around the nail polish, is a prime example of why i wouldnt do it. dadfor2

I decided that except for rare special occaision slumber parties with her regular knot of friends, that she can have a friend stay with us overnight, but cannot spend the night at their house.

I have a very dear friend who used to stay with us all the time, but I never spent the night with her. We would have it planned and then her mom would cancel or A would tell me she was in trouble and I couldn't come. Turns out that her dad was molesting her and her 2 sisters and wanted them to bring others into the home for him to molest. Their mom was trying to get out of the situation, but was also abused. She finally did get out and explained to my mom the reason she liked for A to come to our house so much. She took beatings repeatedly for it, but she was trying to protect her daughter. You never know what could happen, even if you know the people really well. I am not very trusting and this is one of the reasons why. In addition, my uncle molested my cousin (not his daughter, but the daughter of his brother-in-law) when we were young. No one has ever believed her but me. She has some serious trust issues bc of that. Christy

Ok... I don't want to open up a floodgate of negativity here, but in my opinion, no matter what the situation, these kids are still just that... kids! I say that to relay my feelings that these kids need some normalcy (is that a word?) ;) in their lives. They already deal with various caseworkers, doctors, therapists, etc. etc. etc.... I totally agree that you need to be very careful with who you trust your kids with. I would never let my son go to a friend's house without knowing the parents, and as far as spending the night, I would have to know them very well. I know that it is no guarantee (what in life is), but I trust the families that we know in our church... we have known them for a number of years, and have had a lot of different situations to interect with them. I would trust them with my son overnight, as they would trust theirs with us. You can always be the "host family". Have your kid's friends over to your house. Take the kids camping. The point I want to get across is that you work hard to get your kids to have trust and security... it undermines that if there are strict rules that "they can never spend the night with anyone" or "only be in their beds every night". I think it is hurtful for kids (of any situation) to be raised with a fear of everything... being sheltered from the world... boys get hurt playing football, girls get hurt playing soccer, or whatever activity they do. They will grow up and be on their own... they need to learn life skills of dealing with different situations interacting with people. Let the kids be kids, and have fun!:) Again, no offense toward anyone... just my 2 cents. :) D

DinPAis2adopt, While I understand what you are saying, you have to realize that the original poster, Howdy, was talking about her foster child. These children are in foster care for a reason. Their backgrounds aren't the same as other kids. In my case, my daughter CANNOT spend the night at someone else's house. There is a high likelihood that she would act seductive to any adult male in the house. She would definitely control and manipulate the situation. She would then regress and we would have to start over in building her feelings of safety and security. It would not be in her best interest to spend the night anywhere but home and in her own bed. When you say that these kids are just that... kids. Well, I have to disagree. My daughter has experienced more than most adults and unfortunately she only has a 7 year old brain to process her experiences. Even if I trusted the adults, I can't trust her. A child who is a victim of abuse and neglect will not reason in the same way as a child raised in a loving environment. Having strict rules is what gives these children security. Lack of rules and structure is what makes them insecure. What they need is a loving home and time to build attachments with their families, not time with friends. A couple of things about the above quote - Comparing playing football to spending the night with another family isn't a fair comparison. There is no similarity of the two. And yes, they will grow up to be on their own, and these damaged children don't yet know how to interact appropriate with their own family, its not time to teach them how to interact with other families. Sorry, I disagree.

As a recently licensed foster mom and Mom to 2 biological kids I have to say I HATE this whole spending the night thing. I am just uncomfortable letting my kids stay the night at anyones house except my parents. You just never know. I mean why do you hear about so many kids that have been molested? It is just too perfect an opportunity for someone with those inclinations. I would like to be more trustful of people but I just don't feel it is a risk I am willing to take with my kids. In my area the was a prominent man working for Salvation Army working with kids and he would have sleepovers and molest the young girls at them. One was a daughters friend. You would think there is safety in numbers at a sleepover but apparently not. ...........I admit I have let my daughter do a couple of sleepovers with parents I know from her school but even then I just HATE it. I wish the world was a safer place for kids. They should string these child molesters up instead of releasing them after "rehabilitaion". We all know sex offenders a notorious repeat offenders. :(

I love my daughter more then anything--but right now this love also means that I must make the adult decisions.... I have to understand that allowing my beautiful daughter to spend the night someplace else could hurt her in the end.... She might be the one to teach another child things children should not be doing.... and there is really NO point in exposing her to such risks... What is wrong with having fun all you want and sleeping in your own bed? It is the best rule to have when your children become young adults and want to sleep at everyone elses home.... It was nice and handy to have this RULE when my 18 year old daughter wanted to spend the night at her boy friends house...Sorry but did she say she lived at my house?--YES, well then the rule is you sleep in your bed if you live at my house...If you want to sleep other places get your own apartment.... I loved having my rule with that situation.....saved me some real head aches with my sort of adult child...By the way she is doing very fine in her own apartment and about to finish university! Yes--camp outs are fun and I don't see them the same as sleeping in the neighbors basement.... Some of the children take a long time for us to really know who they are---It took us nearly a year to discover that our beautiful little girl had a problem with stealing..... so young.....but part of her life expereince we didn't know about until it happened Several times..... I might have over protected my biological children by not allow all the overnighter stuff--and other things as well---but, I am pretty thankful they are the people they are now... I guess I don't see how playing half the night and falling asleep then waking up with people in a different house---is some right of passage for children.... I think going to sleep with OUR Families is Always a good thing and helps build stronger families and eleminates much of the social battles we face with 16--17--18 year olds....Its just real simple--here is your bed be in it.

If you are uncomfortable then you shouldn't do it. I for one do let my kids go on sleepovers, but we have to know the family well. Until you are comfortable, or even if you are never comfy w/ the idea, encourage a lot of playdates so that you can get to know the child and family. I've made some wonderful friends through my kids. We happen to be the house of most interst though, we've always had an open door to sleepoevers and have rarely said no to our kids, it's a great way to get to know their friends.

Lorraine123 and others, I do understand that foster children have different backgrounds. My son (10) is being adopted through foster care. I will not discuss specifics about my son's past, as he is entitled to privacy, but let's jus say that I know vividly how bad some cases can be. I am familiar with most of the typical acronyms that foster kids have... Yes, there are differences, but there are many similarities as well. These kids have too many things that are continually focusing on the "differences", that in my opinion, it hurts the similarities with other kids. Yes, they need to be secure in their attachment to Mom & Dad first and foremost... but you cannot rule out them having friends. Lorraine123, as far as your daughter, as far as your daughter, of course you know best and you should do what you feel is best. That is being a parent. I would hope that perhaps you would allow her friends over to your home, and maybe later as she progresses can start to branch out some. It sounds as if you are refering to RAD (or at least some degree of attachment disorder) behaviors, and I am familiar with that. While there are some things that are different, as they grow, they need to have some "normal kid" relationships as well. Also, just having a label doesn't mean that every kid will respond the same way, or take the same length of time to heal. I knew that I was going to open up some differing opinions... Also, not every kid wants to spend the night with a friend... not every kid wants to go camping... they may change their mind in a couple of months too (kids never do that do they?) ;) My point is simply to not make such a hard rule of "never" There is also nothing wrong with trying a sleepover "event" of some kind, and if there are problems, stating that due to "x" behavior(s), no sleepovers for "x" time or until "x" lesson can be demonstrated. I know, I'm sort of rambling, and also may be in the minority here, but I feel so strongly that our children need to have some degree of normalcy. I also feel that "These children are in foster care for a reason. Their backgrounds aren't the same as other kids." is not a reason to "punish" (please don't take me wrong!) them... yes they have issues that we as parents help them get through, but it was NOT their fault that their previous parents did wrong. What's wrong with setting rules concerning sleepovers? They can have many if not all of the same rules. I do feel that every situation is different. As far as football and sleepovers, I am referring to a level of "sheltering". Yes, there are things that CAN happen at a sleepover that can wreck a kid's life... but a kid CAN have his neck broken as well... but I will not tell my son "Oh you can't play football because there is a chance that you will break your neck!" As far as that goes, some freak COULD break into your house with a gun at 3am... a plane COULD crash into your house... but you can't have your kids life run by fear. I must tell a little background... some of you may have picked up on it... but I grew up VERY "sheltered" and have vowed not to do the same thing as a parent. And yes, there are different things that need "sheltering", but football and having a sleepover with a friend are not one of them. Howdy, I commend you for letting your daughter have sleepovers. The only thing I questioned in your post is about taking the time to get to know the parents... that is the most important factor with this issue in my opinion...you don't have to be best friends with them, but just get to know them and get a feel for the way they parent. Anna, please don't take this the wrong way (I'm sure that I have just missed it in one of your posts), but what happens to Sean at age 21? Well, I'll get off my soapbox now... I really hope that I have not offended anyone here. There are none of us parents that are perfect. I like to read about the views of others in their effort to do the best they can for their kids. Be nice! ;) D

Anna, with all due respect and assuming that the child in question doesn't have emotional or attachment issues, I think seeing how another household works is really important for children. I know I liked experiencing the casual, haphazard way my best friend's family threw dinner together, but it also made me appreciate my family's more traditional dinner. Spending the night with friends also prepared me for sleep away camp, which was one of the most life changing experiences I ever had. I've been wracking my brains trying to remember how old I was when I spent the night at a friends--7 maybe. I think in the early days my parents used friends as babysitters--we would spend the night so they could go to a party with the parents. Our folks were friends and socialized together. The parents were teachers, so there was the assumption that they were safe. I don't think I spent the night with a family that wasn't close to my parents until I was in junior high. I just think kids need to see what it's like to sleep away from their parents -- their first night away from home shouldn't be the first night they're at college.

with Sean and Tori they got to experience everything that other families did--they just came home and slept in their own rooms at night...They still got to eat meals, still got to play late.... They expereinced camping very young and very VERY often....but, as parents 90% of the time We were camping with our kids... Sean is an Eagle Scout and I lead Tori's Girl Scout troup.... We also do a lot of Family Camping....and we get to know other families in the camping area and different things about a lot of different families... There are many opportunities for children to have expereinces and they don't have to include useing someone elses bathroom and waking up in someone elses home.... There was never a problem with my kids being part of parties or having their own.... It just ended at Midnight or even when they were older 2 am...I don't care...Camping and hotels are vacations and distances and eventful.... Those are memorie maker events.... There is plenty of ways to give children expereinces and having a night off or a houseful of children never really has made much sense to me.....

Summer camp and camping aren't the same thing...Summer camp is living in a cabin with 10 other girls, learning to cooperate, share the workload, learning about what you have in common and what you don't. It's about sailing and swimming and softball and services (mine was a Jewish summer camp). It's about writing home and care packages and mail call. It's about being independent in a structured environment, knowing to see the camp nurse when you're sick, making your bed, sorting your laundry not because mom told you to, but because you won't have clean clothes otherwise. It's about growing up with the same people (I went for 9 years), about wish aways and color war about tearful goodbyes and promising to write. It's about being responsible for your stuff and keeping track of it. It's about knowing you can be without your parents but still miss them. It's about dreaming about being a counselor when you are old enough, about singing in the dining hall, about sleeping w/o air conditioning and remembering to put on sunscreen. It's about arts and crafts, and clay and gimp and macrame. For my brother, it was about meeting the girl he eventually married. Sometimes when I smell wet spruce trees or french toast, I'm transported back to those days even though it's been more than 20 years. Camp was so much more than sleeping in a tent twice a summer. It was everything--I don't even know how to explain it to someone who hasn't been. All I know is that I'm a better person because I went to camp.

I apologize if I sounded harsh in my previous post. I didn't mean to offend... maybe just debate a little and offer the other side..... Anyway, let me clarify something. I have two biological children and one adopted child. My biological children are older (teenagers). They attend sleepovers and have their friends sleepover at our house. So, I'm not against sleepovers. That wasn't my point. I probably wasn't clear. I'm not overly protective (well, maybe sometimes) and I very much agree that children should experience the world as they grow. I do tend to prefer for my children to have their friends over to our house as opposed to them going there. Our door (and refrigerator) is always open. But I also realize there is value in sleepovers for them. My response was more due to the fact that we are discussing children from foster care. Almost all children from foster care will have some attachment problems (I didn't say they all have attachment disorders, but problems). Therefore, I feel that they should be in their own homes as much as possible and with their own families as much as possible. I don't think you can err on the side of promoting too much attachment with these children. Yes, my daughter has RAD (along with a myriad of other issues). And I realize this makes her different and I have to treat her in a different way. Truce?????? :)

Lorraine123, Thank you (really!) for being so polite and real, and clarifying your post. I was expecting a real "lashing" based on some of the other boards I've seen on here (by other users) :) I guess that my wife and I are fortunate that our son (even though he has been through a tremendous amount in his short life) does not have "full blown" RAD... I have gained a lot of insight about this over the last year, and I have seen how bad it CAN be... I can certainly agree that many kids with RAD should not go to sleepovers at other's homes... as they truly cannot know how to deal with some things. Some kids with attachment issues can do this though. Thanks for being a mom! :) D