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We're about to adopt my husband's cousin she is seven years old. We have her older brother by a court order and her through DCFS. Well she is going to be at family funtions and I want to be very open about the adoption but I'm not sure about how much contact I feel comfortable with. I allow phone calls and no vistit because DCFS says that right now. Her Parents parental rights were terminated in November 2003. Mother hasn't made the attempts for contact in past. Father decide to have us adopt her. She was about to return home with dad and a family tradity happen and he felt he couldn't provide for her. Well I feel that she was close to her dad and since I feel he tried to do right I want them to have a relationship. But the mother bothers me. She neglected her and has a poor sense of judgement. We had a graduation party for her brother I decieded to invite the birthmom well she made me feel uncomfortable by asking my daughter to go get her some cake and my daughter didn't seem confident when she said called he her "other mom". Was wondering if I should talk to her about what see might want to call her? Another thing that bothered me is my daughter seemed to fallow her and sit on her lap. Should this bother me and do I let it go or say something? I another thing is I mention to someone my plans for a baptism my daughter after she was adopted well my daughter's brother told me his mother and her birthmother was upset I didn't ask her first. I simply told him that it was my right and not hers but I'm not sure maybe that was the right thing to do.
any advice
Mana
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Mana,
You might want to read the thread "What should Bastien call his birthmother?" It deals with some very similar issues, ie., it's a family adoption and there was a question as to what he should call his birthmother. Family adoptions can be more challenging, I guess, because they are family. Regardless of your cousin's lack of parenting, she is their birthmother and it sounds like this placement is fairly new. It's natural your daughter should still want to be around her, and even if it makes you abit uncomfortable, I think it's important to let the children maintain those ties. No matter what your personal feelings, I think it's very important to always treat her with respect and include her as much as possible when you can. But ultimately you have to decide how much contact you feel comfortable with. Can you talk to her honestly about wanting to include her but also wanting her to recognize that you are the children's mother now? Good luck!
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