Any ideas how to deal with predjudice in relatives?

I too agree that you need to make a choice - initially. I was faced with a similar situation when I started fostering AA children. My partner and I had decided that as important as our own birth families were, that it was more important for us to continue fostering and eventually adopt children of any race. Remarks such as "...well I guess she isn't that dark" can be very damaging to a child's self-esteem. We chose to have little contact with those family members who couldn't accept "our" children. Eventually I discovered that my family was extremely ignorant regarding other races/cultures and never really knew any AA people (hard to beleive in Det, MI). They were basing all of their information on things that they had heard their parent/grandparents say years ago. One day my mom "dropped by" to pick something up from my house and I turned around to see her holding my 5 week old AA fs. She began to cry and said, "Oh, my gosh - he's just a baby." She truely had a enlightening experience and is now the favorite grandma of my 6 AA adopted children. She has actually helped to teach some of our other family members that "children are children." Now we only have one family member who doesn't accept our kids - we haven't seen her in 6 years - our choice in order to protect our children. I wish you comfort in whichever decision that you make and hope & pray that your mom will one day discover that a child is a child. Rhonda Mom of J-7, T-7, A-6, A-3, E-2, A-1, C-5mos

I agree with some of the other respondents, that you must move ahead with your husband to adopt the child of YOUR choice. How sad that some family members cannot see beyond the color of a child's skin - and give up the ability to LOVE. When I married my AA husband almost 20 years ago, my step-mom who raised me had never met him. My dad had passed away 5 years before.. and altho my mom was a good Christian woman.. she had been raised in the South - so some of her thoughts we knew did not support inter-racial marriage. (altho she was never racially verbally abusive) What I did 20 years ago was to write her a letter - she lived about 100 miles away - letting her know about our impending wedding and giving her the option to attend or not attend. My mind was not going to be changed.. and IF she wanted to participate, she would be welcomed with open arms, and IF she decided not to come - then I would respect her wishes. Well until I walked down the aisle I did not know that she was there, in the front row wearing the corsage I had waiting for her in the front of the church! And at the age of 74 she did change! At the birth of each of our 3 children - she was there and spent at least a week at our home, giving them their first baths! (I wasn't allowed to bathe them until Nana had bathed them first! lol) She sewed for my children, remembered every birthday, Christmas, holiday - my children grew up loving to go to Nana's house for the swim parties, the frozen bananas & ice cream cones she'd always have waiting! She had no problem taking them to McDonald's or going to Knott's Berry Farm with them and showing off their photos to her friends. My step-sister married a Hispanic man with children, another niece married and has 4 AA bi-racial children... we have a very wonderful and colorful family! Our biggest sadness was 2 months ago, when we laid our 92 year old Nana to rest - but we all remembered the joy she brought our family - and what some thought was the biggest miracle of all - the ability for a gracious 'southern' woman to make one of the biggest turnarounds - to love my husband and our children! My children have indeed been blessed to know their Nana and all the love she showed them! The loss will definitely be any family member who is incapable of loving the innocent. And your family will be blessed for your love and joy that you will share with them for a lifetime. God Bless!! ;)

My MIL turned out to be a closet racist. She is a social worker for DHS and one of her jobs is to oversee placement of foster children. VERY scary stuff. After we picked Bella up, her first question was "What color is she?" She also spent a lot of time fretting and complaining about the "loss of her blue-eyed, blonde-haired grandchild she'll never have." Of course, she totally blames all this on me. Sheesh!!!! We finally told her she would have to fo with us to counseling for a few sessions before we would spend ANY time with her again. We were making good on that threat, and she finally agreed to the counseling. Things have been much better since! It's amazing how much it helped to get all those HUGE white elephants into the middle of the room and knock them off one-by-one. I HIGHLY recommend couinseling before you go any further. It will take a LOT of waiting, but it is SOOOOO worth it! Best of luck! Sarah

We have not faced open racism in our family, but have had worries about it. When Michael was a baby, my half-sisters asked me if I was going to braid his hair. They were 14 years old and adored him. Michael is bi-racial (African American and caucasian), and at that time, his hair seemed mostly straight, so I didn't know what to say. Now it's very curly, BTW. At any rate, my stepmother said in response to her daughters, "Oh that would make him look so ethnic." I sickened at the thought that she might be prejudiced. But it wasn't going to change our decision even though placement had not yet occured. But in the back of my mind, I recall thinking, "well, his heritage is also African American, and so, SO what?!" That was almost 4 years ago, and my stepmother has come around nicely. Now she adores his hair, no matter what we do with it! No one else in my family has shown any signs of prejudice; however, my sister's in-laws have their ideas. We decided that we would endure their physical presence at birthday parties held at my sister's house, but should they ever make a comment, we are out of there! Our first committment is to our son, and to no one else... even extended family. I have to include a photo of my sweetie, so please bear with me...

Gayle - your Michael is ADORABLE! Love his hair! Funny thing with my bi-racial children is the oldest has black curlier hair, but at 18 now straightens and highlights it! The 16 year old has long wavy dark brown hair. And both girls complain about their 13 year old brother - 'Why did he get the good hair? He's a boy!' His hair is very straight and very black unless it gets long and then has a tendency to slightly curl at the ends -- loose curls ! LOL (My AA husband also has American Indian &Chinese in his background so another reason perhaps we have such diversity in our children's hair!!) And when they get older and want more choices, the best relaxer their 28 year old bi-racial half sister has recommended for us in CA is: Robert Cromean's Salon's hair relaxer. Doesn't burn and works the best on their curly hair. Altho I have told my girls they have the best of both worlds. They can let it go curly/wavy when they want...and blow dry/straighten it when they want a different look!!! As long as your child is able to love themself and all the little things that make up who they are - including their hair, their skin color, their talents, their strengths -- and knowing how much they are LOVED - that's what makes them special!

Thanks Anna! Actually, Michael's bmom has 2 bi-racial children herself, and she commented when she saw Michael (older than an infant) that she was surprised how curly his hair was. She said her 2 boys' hair was a mystery to her, what to do with it. She is caucasian. She said for a long time, their hair was both straight (some hairs) and curly (the other hairs). When the oldest of them was a teenager, he wanted to grow his hair long, to which she agreed, out of desperation. It is wavy, I understand, and looks great now. I have not seen him since the time he was a baby though, so I have to take her word for it. A question: I've heard that straightening the hair is supposed to make it permanent. This was told to my sister by her (African American) next-door neighbors. Is this not necessarily true?

There is nothing you can do. If as you say your mother is worse than Archie Bunker then you will always have to deal with this behavior - and no amount of education, explanation or anything is going to change her ignorant (lack of knowledge) comments and beliefs. You would do best to ignore her and raise your precious darlings.

No straightening it will NOT make it permanent. Just ask yourself...when I get a perm does my hair then begin to grow in curly? LOL... i think not! And if that's the case... then wouldn't it be true for all AA people? My sisters in law sure do keep using products on their hair!! My middle daughter has the thickest hair of all the kids... and the Robt Cromean relaxers will usually last a good 6 months. You can definitely see the 'wave' as her new hair grows in. She's had it done a few times now... so the previously straightened hair does NOT need as much relaxer on it. What's nice is that she can just wash and wear it .. with it being a nice relaxed wave. And when she wants it straighter she uses her Hot Tools straightener and it looks like glass! One of her friends was walking behind her one day at school, not recognizing her. When Bethany turned around her friend told her... 'I was wondering who that Asian girl was.." They both laughed! ... silly girls! All of my babies had straight hair at birth. My firstborn looked very Asian (probably the chinese)... and the first pediatrician to examine her, had not met my husband yet. He asked if my husband was Asian and i told him no, he was black. He then proceeded to tell, 'Oh uh. well you know she's going to get darker'. Really, Einstein??? LOL Baby #2 also had straight hair at birth, but got jaundice so had a yellowish tint to her skin - definitely made her look more Indian - asked my hubby if that was the Seminole showing thru?? ;) The girls got curlier hair by 1 year... big loose curls ... which was easy to take care of in pony & pig tails, just wet, twist and voila! but Jesse kept his straight hair - even at 13! A few years ago he wanted his hair cut super short ... I figured as it began to grow out it'd stand up all over .. but nope.. just laid down flat like a cap on his head! Now he has to use that gooey stuff .. when he wants it to stand up a bit! He prefers to keep it very short... doesn't like the big full head of hair - unlike his cousin who has a long thick curly mass!!

Thanks again Anna. It didn't make sense to me that new growth wouldn't come in as nature had intended. (Wish my roots didn't show as bad as they do though! :rolleyes: ) Guess that's good to keep in mind, for later.

I am not sure if this is a reply or a new thread. I was interested in this thread because it just happens to be what our family is going through right now with my mother in law and brother in law and his family. We were placed with two AA boys 6 and 9 years ol almost three weeks ago. We have known that we were going to foster/adopt them since March. My husband told my mentally ill mother in law in front of her social worker before Easter. She was fine with it(or so we thought) .About one week before their move in date she left a message on our answering machine stating she did not like "royal black" what ever that means and she would not be attending my sons graduation party which is this sunday. This has caused huge problems in my household. My three grown children (22,20 and 18) want nothing to do with her again. We know we cannot change her feelings and that she will make a scene and deeply hurt the children. I mean she hurts all of us badly so what would stop her . My husband wants to maintain a relationship with her. He knows of course the boys and myself will never be with him. My brother in law and his wife and kids are not speaking to us and will not even call our house or see my husbands sister who is visiting and staying with us because she has accepted our boys. Now mind you they are horible racists. They are Harley people(not to label anyone) and have a differant lifestyle than we do as well as differant morals. Any advice ??

Penny: What a waste! To put forth that much energy just to hurt people. Your mother in law and brother in law are the ones missing out on a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in these children's lives. But it is THEIR loss. I was fortunate that my family did support my AA husband and our children. But as my son got older 1 niece and her son always seemed to find some reason to blame him for any little conflict that arose. I finally just quit bringing my son to some family functions for several years just to protect my son from her criticism. He was glad to stay home with his dad anyways, avoiding boring weddings, long drives, having to sit still... lol. Now that the boys are older, they got together recently - and actually had a good time getting reacquainted. But sometimes you have to do what's best for your family and your children. If it means protecting them from negative influence - then that's what you do. Perhaps when your husband does go to his obligatory visits with his mother he can limit his time - letting her know that until she is 100% accepting of your family decisions - his visits will be cut short. Just like you do with a child - you let them know you love them - but you do not love their behavior. IF she truly is mentally ill... that will probably not have much effect ... but IF somewhere she does have a heart - maybe eventually the message will sink in. Only the two of you know for sure how much racial hate is there. Can people change? Yes. But it's their hearts that have to do the changing before you will ever want to subject your children to their presence. Also - keep in mind that your husband may feel conflicted in visiting his mother without you and your children. Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. It sounds like your decision to welcome these children into your home is based on a strong mutual agreement & that your older children share your philosophy - congratulations! If you are a faith-based family - pray for them. You'd be surprised what a little prayer can do to a hardened heart! IF they never come around - count your blessings anyways with the family & friends who do support you ! And don't let their negativity rob your family of precious energy. If they become the main topic of every conversation - they still win! DON'T let their racial hatred win over the love your family shares. Take care and God Bless! ~Anna

Anna, thanks for your wonderful idea's! We are faith based and will pray for all of our prejudiced relatives. My mother in law is definetly mentally ill she has manic depression and schizaphronia since she was diagnosed at 19 years old. I still believe it is her heart though. My 20 year old daughter insists she is demon possessed. We have seen a lot of hate in our relationship with her. I am trying very hard to contol my anger and refrain from sending any letters or materials on racism that I so badly want to send them. My mother in law's parents were extremely racist they lived in Chicago in a Polish Catholic community and were even foster parents themselves but to WHITE children. So, my husband was also raised racist. His heart completly changed. This was definetly a mutual decision and we even talked before deciding on any race given to us and knew his brother could do this. His mother was a bit of a surprise. He is non confrontational so I really don't expect him to ever confront his brother. He will probably yell at his mom at some point though. As far as the rest of us are concerned we want nothing further to do with any of them and our glad we found out what kind of people they really are. Thanks, again

I am a white female. All my life my parents and family looked down on AA people. I on the other hand always knew that I would end up married to an AA male. Ohhh, my family was all shook up about that until......I became pregnant with my first child. My father wanted me to get an abortion, that was not an option for me, so I had her. On the day she was born, my family was there at the hospital and as soon as they saw her, they melted. My father was one of the first people to admit he was wrong and fell in love with her (Diamond) immediatly. Dad was a car salesman and when a mixed couple would come on the lot, he would sit there and say, " I am not gonna waist my time on that salt-n-pepper couple!" Well after Diamond was born, his toon changed. He looked at other races much differently than he had before. He was always so proud to take her out and show her off. He didn't give a **** what anyone said, that was HIS babygirl. My whole family changed after she was born, no matter what they said before, nothing mattered now. So, I have to thank my daughter for changing my family's outlook on others. If it weren't for her, they would still talk bad agains other races. Blood, no matter what it is mixed with, is still blood. I have found that the love that a baby brings out in others has the power to move mountains and change minds about others. It makes people look inside ones self to see what really matters. I hope all goes well with you and that things change for the better.

Thanks for your words Karen. If only it could be so easy for us. Our relatives have never met the boys and refuse to. They will not even give them a chance (not that Ithink I want them exposed to such racists who knows what will be said). My husbands family has this thing with blood relatives. I think that even if they were white it wouldn't be the same because they are not Karls blood. My brother and siter in law instantly looked disgusted when we said we were going to do foster care and labled all foster kids as Special Education. My sister in law works as an aid with special ed kids and said you don't want THOSE kind of kids. so, I highly doubt any thing will ever change. I really don't ever plan to see them again inless I just run into them on the street. I doubt that as we live an hour away from all of them. Penny

I guess that all we can do is pray for them then. I feel so sorry for them, because it is them that will suffer in the end. The boys love you and your husband I am sure and their adoptive grandparents and family will never know their love. I will also pray for you and your famiy too.