Needing birthparent advice

aussie, this is such a difficult situation. I can understand why you are worried about opening yourself up to further grief. If you are not up to meeting your brother's birthmother then don't do it. But PLEASE let her know where he is buried. AS a birthmother I can feel some of her pain. I think she has every right to go put some flowers on his grave and have a talk to him. I would be upset that my bchild was dead and I was still being denied basic information. I too would get a copy of his death certificate - school books etc, etc, etc just to try and know him. lol Banjo

Thank you for your replies. I guess I should clarify that the reason that my parents did not want to tell her where he was buried was because we lived in a country town and once she had the surname on the grave she would be able to find where we lived. When she first wrote to us, both my sister and I were adamant that we never wanted to find our birthparents and they were trying to protect us, as she had expressed a desire to meet us. I think she now knows as it was on the death certificate, and I have asked her to call me if she is going to go, esp if it is on a significant day so that I can ensure that M&D are not there at the same time. We moved to another state after the adoptions and so did she so it would be a bit of a trip for her. I guess another thing that threw me a bit was that my birthmother does not seem very sympathetic to her plight. She and my parents seem to think that she should have gotten over it by now and that she may be a bit loopy. I don't agree, but i am worried that maybe we are making a bit of a mistake, and that possibly I am helping her for the wrong reasons. I read her story in the letter and it prompted me ( a few years later) to do my own search. I was disapointed to discover that my birthmother would have gone to her grave and never looked for me, I think that after the letter I thought that all birthparents wanted to find their children. I suppose I identify with her as we are the "searchers", I want to help her because she tried to find him when my birthmother didn't. I feel gulity that my search and reunion has been hard on my parents and I feel that I am betraying them again by encouraging my brother's birthmother. Maybe we are both looking for something that will only lead to disappointment? Would anyone else want contact with the adoptive family if your child was deceased?

I know this story isnt quite the same, but here goes anyway. My father would have died about 5 years ago if it were not for a heart transplant. Transplants used to be like, you didnt know who died, and their family never knew who you were. Instead of that now, the family let the hospital know at the time of his transplant that they would like to meet him, even though their daughter was dead, they wanted to be able to know who she had helped and they wanted to share their daughters story with him. My dad didnt want to meet them right away, he had to go through his own recovery, which also brought on a major depression. I dont think these people were "loopy" to want to meet my dad or the other people she had touched. After a year my dad wrote to them (he kept their contact info just in case) We all went to meet her family. There were a couple other people there that had recieved an organ and their children or significant other. It was just a cookout type event. I'll admit it was weird at first. They told lots of story's about her, but it helped my dad to hear about her life and the things she had acomplished. Then after that first hour everyone just kind of talked and got to know one another. My dad still keeps in contact with her family. I believe that it has only caused good on both sides. I think meeting your brothers bmom could possibly be very healing for both of you. She will probably want to hear much about him, since she never was able to meet him. It might be tough to tell her about his life, but I think you should try to talk to her. And if you dont want an ongoing relationship with her, let her know that right away. Just tell her about him and let her grieve for a bit. It may be like losing him twice for her because I woudnt think she thought he would not be alive when she went to search for him. If it would be uncomfortable for you to talk to her, please write to her at least once.

I have spoken to her twice, for an hour or two each time. The first call was almost as terrfiying as calling my own birthmother the first time. I have written and sent her some more photographs and she is free to ring me anytime. It was cathartic for both of us I think; it was good for her to know that we had not shut her out because she wasn't good enough or was disliked by us, it was nice for me to be able to talk about his life and not just his death. I guess I am just not sure about the where to from here. I can tend to see her as the "alternate birthmother" and have her fill the fantasies my own birthmother didn't, and I am afraid that she will treat me like the substitute child: if she can't have him, I am the next best thing. Both of these situations are entirely false and I am worried that we will be soothing our souls with the devil kind of thing. I am ok about meeting her, but meeting her whole family (she is coming to my state for a wedding) is a different thing. I get stressed enough with my own birthfamily and I am not her daughter.

Maybe you could tell her that you would like to meet with her but are not comfortable meeting her family. You will always be connected to this woman. I am sure she is having a hard time dealing with the loss of your brother. She maybe imagined someday being able to meet him. And now has to come to grips with reality that she won't be able to. I hope your parents will allow her to see his grave. She will need some closure. Possibly she wants to meet with you not to "replace" her birthson but to fill a void. It could help her if you two were able to talk about your brother and what his life was like and what kind of person he was. It may help you both. Best of luck in what ever choice you make.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My biggest fear when searching was finding out that my birthmother was deceased before I could make contact. I believe its all about getting the closure on that part of your life. His birthmother lost her son initially and now finds she has lost him again - so, so sad. It would probably be very healing for her to go and visit her sons's resting place so she can finally say goodbye.

I am not a birthmother, but wanted to lend you some support.... I havn't been in the exact same situation you're in, but I did lose my own brother to suicide 6 years ago. I am so very sorry for your loss. (not an exact quote here) but you said something about when an adopted person dies nothing remains of them, I really don't think that would be any truer than when someone who isn't adopted dies. Everyone gets their smile from someone, eyes from someone, etc. I love my nieces & nephews to death, but at times seeing them is more than I can bear. They look & act so much like my brother and it breaks my heart when I think about all he is missing out on. Maybe a part of you is hoping you will see some of your brother in his birth family and will be disappointed if you don't, and there's nothing wrong with that. I know for me, I still think about my brother every single day. I was a woman obsessed when he died... and I wanted answers, but the only person who could tell me why was him, and he wasn't here anymore. Very horrible time in my life, and I think I went a little "loony" over it too :) I couldn't imagine what it would be like to search for your child, envisioning this fairytale reunion, only to be told this devastating information instead. I imagine she just wants answers, and wants to learn more about him first hand, from those who knew & loved him the most. Your family has the benefit of remembering the good times with your brother, fond memories, the sound of his laughter, so you get to cling to those... but she will never have any of those things, maybe she just wants to share in yours or learn more about him & his life, not just how it ended. It don't think it's that she hasn't moved on, it sounds more like she just wasn't given enough information or hasn't had all her questions answered... so she can try to move on. Think about it this way.... If you had searched for your birth mother & your search revealed that she had passed away, would you have stopped there? Or even with pictures? Or would you have wanted to gather every bit of information you could about her & her life from those who had known her? And would it ever be enough? Probably not, since you'd never actually get to have her. I had my brother for 26 years and it wasn't enough.... I still feel cheated, so I can only imagine how cheated she must feel. BUT, I would also worry about her trying to "substitute" him with you though, and she might be doing that... or she might not be... hard to tell. I think you are doing the right thing by being in contact with her though, and I'm sure your brother is smiling down on you, very proud of you for it. Just let her know up front what you need or want out of this, even if it's nothing more than knowing you gave her more answers, tried to help her grieve... and nothing more. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I hope it turns out to be healing for both of you. Sorry for rambling.... If ya ever wanna talk, feel free to PM me. Karmen Just realized I misunderstood what you were saying about when an adopted person dies... you meant nobody in your family has his eyes, etc. Gotcha... sorry about that :)

Thanks Karmen I think that I am afraid that someone in her family will look like her, but she doesn't seem to think so from the photos I sent. As you would know, suicide is like no other death, and apparently the death of a child is the worst one of all so maybe you can see why i am so protective of my parents in this issue. I guess on one level I feel that is birthmother had already grieved him. It has taken us all so long to cope with it (it will be 20 yrs next Feb) and I can't bear the thought of them having to re-live it, or her blaming them for it. I can hardly remember the good times, all I rememebr is death and pain and shame and guilt. That's why it was nice to talk to her, she actually wanted to know what he was like as a person. I don't know about your experience, but no-one asks when it is suicide, you don't get any support because no-one wants to talk about it or knows what to say so they don't say anything. I used to say it was a car accident sometimes if I wanted to talk, people aren't as afraid. I guess that to his birthmother he was already gone, but to my parents they watched their son of 17 years die in pain and no-one has the right to make them re-live that. (and when I say watched, he drank chlorine and my father was the surgeon in the town where we lived. No matter how fast he sewed he couldn't fix the holes the chlorine was burning, but he kept going for almost 12 hours). At the end of the day no-one knows why he did it and no-one ever will so i can't give her any answers or any closure.

I am going to PM you, I hope that's alright.... Karmen

Of course you can!

Dear Aussie, I'm a birth mother but I also lost a brother to suicide nearly 14 years ago when he was 23. I know the anguish with which you are dealing. I can tell you that, it may be cliche' but it is SO true that "time heals all wounds". No, you never completely "get over" it, of course. But in time, the pain does lessen. As to your questions, all I can say is do what you know in your heart is honorable. Ask yourself why you would take his birth mother to visit your brother's grave...is it to defy your parents? Or is it because you feel it will help this woman who brought your brother to you? What do you think your brother may have wanted? I believe that in the next life we will see things very differently and only want those we left behind to do the healing thing, not carry resentment or to be intent on punishing those who may have hurt us. I don't think it would be wrong since you know that you would not be doing this to hurt your parents. I know it seems scarry to imagine looking at her other son and seeing your brother in him or even her. But it might be just the opposite and you may find it very comforting. Suicide leaves so many questions forever unanswered. This may not answer any of those questions but could provide some closure for you as well as for her. My heart goes out to you. You have some very difficult choices to make. Search your heart and even if you make a mistake you'll know you did your very best. God Bless you.

Dear Aussie, I also want to tell you that I don't think that to most birth mothers their child is already gone. We do grieve the seperation but we know that we are grieving for someone who is not dead. There is always the knowledge that this person is out there somewhere and that one day we may be able to reunite with them. We never, ever forget. I have thought of my daughter every single day since I gave birth to her. I hope I am about to finally reunite with her. My entire family knows about her, including my husband and all of my subsequent children. My children call her by the name I gave her and refer to her their sister. I have celebrated her birthday every year, albeit privately. I believe that the vast majority of birth mothers and families hope to reunite one day. I am very sorry that you have not had a good experience with yours. This must be terribly confusing for you. Incidentally, my brother also died in my father's arms. My father tried tirelessly to revive him until the ambulance arrived after he was already dead. It's terribly painful to watch your parents suffer this way. It changes everyone forever. If my search had ended with me learning my daughter had died, especially years earlier I think it would have made me "loopy". I don't know if I would want to meet her adoptive family or not, but I can see how meeting them to learn what they could tell me about her life would maybe provide some closure. And I would have wanted to visit her grave. Good Luck.

I know I'm catching this thread way after the fact, but I just felt compelled to point out another aspect....... As a birthmom, I read sooooo many books about adoptees...by adoptees...about how they feal, what their experience is, etc. It often rips me apart inside...for fear that my birth daughter might experience some of the same heart wrenching feelings. It terrifies me; it pains me. So, the other thing I can't help but think about this birthmom in particular is the fact that she may be blaming herself. (I know there was concern about her possibly blaming the adoptive parents.) I know that everyone is different, but most birthparents I have met would be most likely to blame themselves. This shame/grief may be the biggest motivation in her wanting to visit her birthson's gravesite.

I have a ?, I am having a hard time with a few things..my husband had a daugher and she was adopted out right before we got together 18yrs ago. She started contact about a yr ago..her letters said she had a wonderful close family..we met them and they are great, but now she tells a different story...and she only seem to want to get to know her bparents, my husband and I have 4 boys together and this whole situation is hard on everyone...what I am having a problem with is this situation is not about just the 3 of them anymore...they each have a family that this effects plus her adopted parents feelings also..she has been very blessed with loving adoptive parents given everything she has wantedshe never asks about us or talks with us, it is like when we have been together...the 5 of us are not there. I did not think this would be as hard as it has been, plus her bmom has just come in and taken over...she said it is my turn now and has showered her with $$$$$, which we cannot do. Plus,my husband did not find out himself until he was 30 that his dad was not his dad, well he has put his situation (which is completely different) into this with his bdaughter. Any help is gladly welcomed. Thanks

Hi, I'm sorry that you and your sons feel left out. I'm in an open adoption situation and my bdaughter is only vaguely interested in her younger bsib who she has met numerous times. this hurt at first but then I decided that it was important for me to have a relationship with my child. I am sure the two girls will get to know each other better when they are older. My bchild knows that she can see the younger sister whenever she wants - but at this stage she doesn't want to - ouch. I now just meet with my bdaughter without my younger child. Please give it time and don't be offended. Put yourself in the adoptees shoes and try and see how it feels PLUS she is a teenager - they are usually selfish and thoughtless anyway! She will be trying to divide her time between three families - tricky at the best of times. It will be a rollercoaster of emotions for her. My husband stays out of my situation - although he is very supportive of what ever I want to do and if I need a shoulder to cry on he's there with a sensible solution. Yes it does impact on your family but I'd give your husband some space to meet with his bdaughter and to get to know her without the extended family. It must be overwhelming for her to have to meet with so many people! I am sure after a while she will want to get to know you and her half-brothers. Try to be detached and not take offence. reunion is an enormous emotional experience for an adult imagine what it is like for a teenager? Good luck