Birthmother Terminology

Shelley so good to hear you say that.. I wish we (birthparents) could work together.. A word divides us. Jackie

Robin how insightful. I am a birth/other/original/biological mother. My son has affection for me, tells me he loves me, knows I am his birthmother. it seems though the mother part is ellusive for him. Can't quite wrap his brain around the fact that i am one of his mothers. it is some times hard for me like I want to ask "just what do you think I am?" I don't though wouldn't for any amount of love nor money upset the apple cart! I figure one day the light will go off and he will holler "Eureka" I am also an adoptee. I don't know my birth mother. I am searching. Maybe one day I will be able to enjoy my own other mother! My son calls me by my given name! (((HUGS)))

Donna ~ That is extremely sad, and I imagine it is very hard to find any comfort in how your feelings, and your own respect for your feelings, unfolded. I will give you one bit of comfort. You have taught me an invaluable lesson. You have taught me, should I someday be reunited with my birthson, to let him know I respect whatever his feelings and perspectives are. I need to let him know that he doesn't "owe" anybody anything. He has a right to feel as he feels, and he will be respected by me for that. Donna, this means the world to me today. I need for you to know that. You are in my prayers!

dpen6 wrote..The only one that ever acknowledged that I was a sperate person and had feelings all my own was my older half brother. When we intially met...I told him I was confused and he sincerly said he understood and that the ball was in my court and I would be the one to let it go as it would....I don't think I ever told hil how much I appreciated that..... I am going to assume he is your birthmoms son :) What a wise man.. What a lesson hard learned.. and I am so sorry that you did not get to live that kind of acceptance in your reunion.. My son used to help me with incredible words of wisdom.. Still does.. Thank you for for sharing your thoughts here.. Like LL I learned something.. Jackie

I'am a birthmother my son knows me as Lynnette he does not know I'am his birthmother

Is Lynette the name you go by? Why doesn't your son know you are his birthmother if you know him and he knows you?

November is here soon... Adoption is its theme. Write letters to the editor of your paper...post blogs...have conversations... to undo the stigma that some adoptive parents, adoptees and birthmothers alike have created for adoption over the years. (hollywood included) As a birthmother I feel a little "stepped on" by this stigma...APs are those who "took a chance on a child they didn't know from potentially dubious orgins" (According to some folks) and birthmothers are those who "threw their babies away"-yes, people have had the balls to say that to me! Anyway, without getting in a frizz...I'd go to say that not one of us fits into our "categories" that have been assigned based on a label of AP or Birthparent or Adoptee...so, make a difference...a positive difference...to help everyone break out of the constraints of the secretive old closed world and get into the light, the mainstream, the open world of adoption.

Natural mother, original mother, first mother, real mother, mother. Why not just say mother? I agree about birthmother, I don't like it either. Mother is what my daughter said when the social worker called saying I was looking for her, she said "is my mother looking for me?" She call me by her first name and the ad-mum she calls mum. So saying mother is not taking anything away from you..Just a suggestion.

I'm not sure what other moms tell their kids, but that's exactly what my mom told me. It was a great comfort and something I mention with thankfulness when discussing that I am adopted.

I am my son's natural mother. Nothing on earth will ever change that. The term 'birthmother' belittles our connection to each other (and is deeply injurious to me). Perhaps that was the intention behind its creation. I can understand how the term 'adoptive mother' can similarly feel belittling. It reduces, like the term 'birthmother', a deep range of loving feelings down to a petty and superficial descriptor. Would the term 'nurturing mother' be a better one than 'adoptive mother'? Then my son would have a natural mother and a nurturing mother. So would her son. And our son would feel loved by two mothers who each know that the depth of their love is mutually respected. All it takes is having the strength to face reality, instead of trying to prop up a fantasy.

The reality is that I gave my son up for adoption.. from a post in this thread ( I think from Wake Up Little Suzie) The term birthmom was thought up by the founders of CUB.

Concerned United Birthparents.. I call myself birthmom.. IMO letting go of the emotions around relinquishing a child for adoption and forgiving all who were involved (including the birthparent).. makes life more gentle and good for all.. Have you read 'Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v Wade' by Rickie Solinger? Or 'Beggars and Choosers: How the Politics of Choice Shapes Adoption, Abortion, and Welfare in the United States' again by Rickie Solinger.. I traveled a long way to hear this woman speak and I thank her for her research and books around the issues of relinquishment and adoption.. Jackie

I really like this, and would like to use it. Great suggestion!

Thank you.It seems to me that the terms 'birth mother' and 'adoptive mother' are so reductive, and both terms fail to contain the profundity of love we feel for our children. Perhaps that's why they are so hurtful.The terms natural mother and nurturing mother both feel equal, and both are respectful. They also both contain the sense of profundity that we feel for our children.

I was adopted at birth 33 years ago and have recently been reconnected with my birth mother (using this site and the information she has been updating for the last 8 years, it has been amazing and enjoyable all around -seemingly a rare occurance). I was six when my mom told me I was adopted. It was a preemptive move too do so before my two older brothers did. I am the third of four boys and the only one who is adopted. It has always been a positive part of my life. The parents who raised me are mom and dad, while the woman who gave birth to me I refer to by her first name. She has four more boys with the same man and I don't yet refer to them as my brothers (the man is no longer in the picture and I have yet to contact him, but I could at some point). The day will most likely come when I refer to them as my mom and brothers, but not yet. All this is to say, whether adoptive, birth, natural, or nurturing, the words can only mean what we imbue them with. If "birth mother" is negative in some way (and it NEVER was to me), than we should work to erase the stigma that makes it so rather than pretend that a word that sounds nicer to us now will erase decades of ignorance and damage. I hope I am part of such a transformation as I have only ever spoken of my experience in the most positive of ways. Certainly, when experiencing the trauma of separation and stigma, new words can help sooth old wounds, but they do not transform the culture that fails to understand the situations, circumstances, and feelings of all those involved.

As I did not raise you, I'm not your mom. I'm happy to be Sherry to you. Your mother must be a truly amazing woman to have a son as wonderful and thoughtful as you. And even though you don't call them brother you treat them as such. Actions speak louder than words. Long ago adoption was treated as a blessing by both parties. When you were born we were in an era of shame and secrecy. Adoption has come a long way since you were born. It's now recognized that we humans have a natural curiosity when it comes to who we come from.