Input from any adoptees...I am birthmom

wretzack - I can't speak for all the adoptees here - and certainly not for the thousands who have never heard of this web site - but I will give you my personal opinion... I met me bmom after a relatively quick search 15 years ago - I am greatful to her for choosing life - for giving me to my parents, for giving me an opportunity to have a blessed life. It has only been in the last 6 months or so, since finding bdad, that I have been able to put together the missing pieces and see what her sacrifice was really all about - and now I love her more. I may be the exception, rather than the norm. There are numerous adoptees who have had unhappy lives, unhappy attempted reunions, who adamently do NOT want to know about their bparents, who are ambivilent about it all, no two are the same. You said you do not think reunion will happen for you - why is that? Do you kow your son'a aparents? Or do you not know anything and that's why you think reunion will not happen. If that is the case, I would suggest YOU do the searching - and keepa journal for your son of what you do - he proabbly WOLD apreciate being ale to read that at some point - to see what you went through on his behalf... just a thought... Also - on a side note - where in MN are you? We lived in Coon Rapids for awhile in the early 90's - my oldest daughter was born there. Toby

Hey there!! I am a reunited bmom and an adoptee. I have sorta searched for bmom but what I know of her"story" I respectfully am cautious I do not want in any way to cause her distress. I am fine, I had parents that loved me and really tried to keep me straight. I did not search for my son. I kept my info updated through the agency and all he had to do was ask...and he did. I was told he could look for me when he was 18 he is 24. I did not know I could actively search, I had been impressed upon if he wanted to find me he would other wise..... I did post on several registries about him when I posted for my bmom. I always felt guilty when I did. When we reunited he asked if I had looked for him. I was glad I could say yes I had put info on several registries. Stay grounded! Stay here with the people on the forums. You are among peers here.

We just moved here (Perham, Minnesota), last August...we had been in Crystal, MN. I know exactly where Coon Rapids is ....our clinic was there. What a small world.! And....I feel that since my son has not (as far as I know) attempted to search me out, that I shoudl leave things be. Maybe he doesn't know he's even adopted...maybe he is angry that he was adopted....and if either of these is the case...I would only be making matters worse for him, or be reopening issues that he has already been trying to deal with. I have 3 other children now.....ages 19, 20, and 21. They have always known about Corey. And they would be almost as excited as I would be if we were to ever meet. But, I have already learned many things in my "40 something" years....and that is....I must do everything I can to not leave my self open for a devasting disappointment ( which could happen) especially one this huge. Maybe it is better not knowing. But if I knew that he would be open to contact....I absolutely without hesitation would do that.But I am afraid that he may not want to know who I am. And if that were the case....I would respect that. I can only imagine how he feels.

Was it a private adoption or handled through an agency? Have you contacted whomever handled it to keep your information current, both medical and physical address, etc... For all you know, he too could be looking for you even now. I will say one thing about the majority of the male adoptees I've met over the years - many of them are really not interested, can't cope, are not prepared to handle the emotion that goes with reunion until they become parents themselves - so on that note - keep the faith and keep your info current so he can find you if/when he wants to. Best Wishes to you and know that there is an entire community of us here to help and support you through your won emotions and feelings. Toby

Yes....I have everything current. But for me to get the info will cost me a large sum of money. The adoption went through Lutheran Social Services in Moorhead, Minnesota. And they require this fee. Which I am appalled with....since this information should BE MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!! Especially since he is way part the adult age.

Hmmm - I don't kow what the laws say in Minn - but can you go sirectly to the state to have the records opened? If the fee is large he too may be unwilling or unable to pay it and that may be why your searches are stalled??? Or - maybe write to the ELCA and tell them you are unable to pay the fee - but that you need to know thathe is ok and what can they do to help you? Check with your pastor too... Just a few ideas - hope something helps! Toby

Toby30. Thank you for your feedback. But what is the ELCA? And your right....maybe he can't afford the fee either. I never really thought of that. I wonder if there is one for him. I think it is ABSOLUTELY wrong that there is ANY fee at all.

The ELCA is the Evangelical Lutheran Church inAmerican - the parent organization of Luther Social Services you can find them on the web at elca.org (or maybe it's .com, I can't remember)

Searching for birthmother/father. I was Born 3/13/70 in Hennepin county. Adopted 4/24/70 thru L.s.s. Told that birthparents went to the University of Minnesota. B-mom music major- b-father possibly sports.

Wretzak - I'm a 41 year old adoptee, just started searching. While I doubt that there is a typical adoptee out there, I'm probably somewhere in the middle range, so maybe I can give you some idea of what your son is thinking. First, if he knows that he was adopted, at 28 he probably thinks about you every day of his life. Especially on his birthday and on Mother's day. He's probably got his own family started, and he'll be looking at his son(s) and/or daughter(s), and wondering where that hair or that nose came from, or who had those eyes. Was it you, or was it his father? He probably would very much like you to know your grandkids. But he also may think (as I did, until I started talking to some birthmothers) that you've gone on with your life, and if he contacted you, it would be a disruption of the life that you've made for yourself now, and open up wounds that have been closed for years. He's probably also feeling guilty about being disloyal to his a-parents by wanting to look for you. At ten years old? He was thinking about what every ten year old boy thinks of. Baseball or football or basketball, how boring school is, how annoying girls are, how cool the last Star Wars movie was (well, 18 years ago, it was). He's being a kid. Again, if he knows he was adopted, he's probably using it to tease any sibs that his a-parents have provided at this point. "They got to pick me, but they had to have you!" Anyway, you wondered if he would be open to contact. I would almost bet on it. I know I would be. Chas

CHAS, Thank you!! That was such a cool post!! It just warms my soul to think that he may have had, or is having these thoughts!! HOW AWESOME!! This gives me some rejuvenation. And I desparately need it. I so wish that I could afford just someone who had the right connections,or website subscriptions to get the info. It is so wrong to all of us that we not only paid a huge price (pieces of ourselves) at the time of adoption years ago....but now we are forced to pay another price(monetary in comparison, but a price none the less). Oh jeeeeeeeez....what I just wouldn't give. Its kind of funny how on some of the threads I've read, that adoptees sometimes say that they "need" to find the Bparent. In my case, I "need" to find my son. And this need seems to have been increasing very intensely and very quickly. I don't know why. But thank you for the reassuring words...they made me feel quite a bit better....not so scared. Simone

Chas Thank You so much for your input!!! Even though I am in reunion it is sometimes hard to imagine what if anything my son may be thinking or not thinking! He will soon be twenty five and I really have yet to be introduced to the man. I have seen the boy and the child. Thanks Again!

Simone - Glad that I could help you a little. I struggled for years trying to decide if my curiousity was worth opening up a chapter of somebody's life that they may have wanted to keep closed. Then, talking with other b-moms, I came to realize that it never really closes, and she probably wants to know as much as I do. Have you filled out a release form with the agency saying that you are open to contact? There is also a form with the state (affidavit of release, I think) saying that he can have access to the original birth certificate that you can fill out. If he's searching for you, it'll give him some information to go on, and (at least as importantly) let him know that you're open to contact. There's a group on Yahoo that I belong to - "Reuniting Minnesota" - that has helped me a lot. The folks in that group actually helped me to get the ball rolling, and there are a lot of experienced searchers, b-moms, and adoptees there for emotional support. The url is [url]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ReunitingMinnesota/[/url] I encourage you to check it out. Chas

Lou- Thanks for the kind words. Congratulations on the reunion! I hope it goes well for you. Give him time, you'll get from the boy to the man eventually. I would guess that he's still making the transition himself. Chas