15 years later and still angry

Hi Mirah, Did I follow the story correctly? You found your daughter, whom you had lost to adoption, and tha's the same daugher who commited suicide? HOW HORRIBLE!!! That's even worse than I understood it intially. I'm sorry to hear about your other kids too - I'm in the process of a seperation - possibly a divorce. Our daughters are living with me, and Daddy will be the visiting parent. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine how hard it would be to not have them with me, never mind have hem "taken" from me. Tht must have been especially hard for you considering having relinquished your oldest daughter. LAURA - (((HUGS))) - I'm so sorry you are going through so much pin, even now. I cannot speak fromthe bmom side, but as an adoptee, I can conclusively tell you that so many missing pieces of my life have fallen into place in the last 6 months since I found bdad - he told his story and the missing parts from bmom's story were filled in, and all three of us are in a better place. I encourage you to not only search for your aparents, but to also begin preparations for the search for your daughter. Write letters to her, re-write them, and either send them to the agency who handled the doption for her file, or mail them to yourself, leaving them sealed on the envelope, so you will have a date record (post dated) of when you wrote them. DO NOT look to your parents for validation - you will not find it there, In reality, even if you could find it, you probably wouldn't - you need to forgive yourself - NOT for having a baby, but for the guilt you feel about relinquishing her. Forgive yourself, allow yourself to love yourself, feel comfortable in WHO you are, so you can be the strong person necessar for your own search, both for your own bparents, and for her. Most importantly - continue to search for support and a place to vent - hopefully right here with us - we all need an outlet for our emotions. Best Wishes to you!! Toby

Brenda, What happened at the time of Alicia's death is all a blur to me. I'm sure you did what was approrpiate. That is not the issue. The reason I mention it here on this thread is because I felt less than supported on other threads here. I came here to give support and freely offer some hindsight of my years of experience to spare others re-inventing the wheel. I was accused of being a know-it-all. (I think I may have UNKNOWINGLY dared to disagree with someone who was some self-appointed high honcho with an enterage of adoring groupies.) It felt as if I had walked into the middle of a land-mine of cliques and inner politics, instead of being welcomed as a newcomer to a group which was here to support one another. I was accused of being too passionate...and confusing people with all my talk about "rights." How can one be dispassionate about adoption, which irrevocably effects our lives? How can we not talk about rights which have been arbitrarily taken from us as birthmothers, and from our children for all of their lives into their adulthood and beyond? I got the imprssion that there are people here who have really bought into society's and adoption's expectation of us to be "good girls" and NICE women who don't get angry or complain, or make waves of any kind. Who respect everyone else's rights above our own. Like some kind of Stepford wife! Who accept sitting in the back of the bus, quietly and politely! Well, not me. I can see that you still have the fire burning in you, Brenda. Since you've been here (?) through my years on hiatus... is this a misconception I am getting right now? Is it just this particular venue (with ads that could well offend and scare off many a birthmom from joining, and or speaking her mind)? Or is the apathy rampant and the "search-find-leave" the movement mentality blossoming? Has the internet - with its faceless, one dimensional level of support - increased that population that was always there and decreased the troopers and front line fighter? Or...are you all here on the "angry" thread!!!

Toby, Thanks for bringing the focus of this thread back where it belongs - on Laura. I am sorry for straying so far from the topic at hand. I totally agree with you, Toby, about Laura not being hard on herself. I guess I got off track on anger...but one of the the best reasons to allow yourself to get angry is so you don't focus that anger inwardly. It was not your fault! Like all of us, you did not get the support you needed to keep your child...in fact you got the opposite - an ultimatum. WHAT A SHAME FOR PARENTAL LOVE TO BE SO CONDITIONAL. Many adoptees feel even more precarious about their relationship with their parents than non-adopted folks do. The thought of being abandoned AGAIN - or disowned looms more heavily for adoptees than those of us who were raised by our biological parents - no matter how bad our relationship with them is. Don't beat yourself up!!! I have to look back and re-read your post to see what you know about your child's weherabouts. Focus on THAT!

Oh, yes, of course - she's 15! Do you know where she is? Was it an agency adoption? Have you contacted them? Are you on any registries such as International Soundex Reunion Registry or a state one, depending on your state?

Mirah..... Thank you so much for your help! Please feel free to email me or pm me, if you like. I'm sorry, Laura, to have gotten off track of the subject at hand, however, I felt the urge to FINALLY post, and I ran with it. Someone lit a fire under my butt after sitting here being scared to post for so long.

This is for Mirah. It's nice to see another 60's era birthmother. Sometimes I feel like a real dinosaur since our experience is now 40 years past. My son who had been adopted also died in 1995. I'd known him for 8 years and was at his funeral. I keep my feelings about my son to myself because I still do not want to share him with anyone and now I no longer have to. I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, Mirah. I hope she's well and happy. We have lost them twice. Lynn

God bless you. I know exactly how you feel. it has been over 25 years for me and the pain is still unbearable. Mine was supposed to be an open adoption (tho it wasn't common at the time). I was lied to and worse my boys were lied to and turned againt me. Some people think that you should be over it after all this time, but you don't lose a child and get over it. Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" never lost a child. My oldest son committed suicide last month and I wasn't even allowed at the funeral home. There are some wonderful Aparents, but there are also some women who weren't blessed by giving birth for a reason. Merrie You can read my story and see a memorial page to my son at [url]www.myjeremy.homestead.com[/url]

I share your feelings - my children were taken from our custody and put in foster care because of their mother's drinking and mental problems. I spent three years trying to cooperate and regain custody. When I finally tried to separate my legal interests from hers and regain custody myself, I got nowhere - in fact I was ridiculed and torn apart in court. The social workers who were supposed to "provide services to reunite the family" seemed bent instead on scattering it My parental rights were terminated along with hers, I was thrown away like moldy crust of bread. I've moved to another state and struggled since then (12 years) to maintain my sanity while their mother has descended into outright madness. Stories like this get swept under the rug - I hope you feel better knowing you are not alone.

I don't think you should get rid of your anger. Anger may not always be healthy, but life is not healthy. Anger proves you are human, and frankly, your family was not human. They cared more about their ideals than their own family members. That's the painful part about it, and I experienced it too. I will never let go of my anger at the people who tried to take my son away--and to some extent did take him away (I overturned the adoption and now share legal custody with the adoptive parents) All you can hope for now is to channel your feelings. Personally, my own anger fuels my activism for birth parents' rights. I do not know what the answer for you is. I channel my anger by writing articles and doing other things aimed at killing those ideals that are ruining this country. I even file a lawsuit occassionally. They caused the anger and the indignance--THEY will have to live with it.

Hello all~ I've been lurking this thread for a while now, but am just now getting the nerve to post. I relinquished in 1989. My daughter just had her 15th birthday last month. I've been thinking of her all the time lately- the circumstances, the experiences, the influences, and the repercussions. Sometimes I get so tired of thinking! Lately, I've been real angry. Realizing that, as a 17 year old, I did not have the courage to stand up against the "establishment" and family and insist that I keep by daughter. However, I think the hardest part for me is thinking that others think I didn't care about, love, or want to keep her. I keep remembering what my Dad said when I was 10 or 11 years old. During general discussion with my Grandmother (his Mom), I found out that he was adopted. (The circumstances around his adoption sound suspicious, but that's a story for another thread.) Anyway, I remember talking with Dad afterward and asked if he ever thought about his "real" mom and if he wanted to find her. And his words??? "Why would I want to find somebody that didn't love me enough to keep me?" Wow-- powerful words-- and I never forgot them, especially when I got pregnant several years later. I knew his true feelings about his B-mom, which is not what I wanted my daughter to feel, but I signed those papers anyway. I am so mad! Mad at myself, mad at my Dad, mad at everyone involved! How can I get past the anger??? Jen

<<Anger can be a very - if not THE MOST - motivating power on earth!!!>> Amen to that, Mirah. Righteous anger that calls for justice has effectively put an end to adoption in Australia. Mothers are now encouraged by the Govt and the private adoption profession itself to keep their babies, in their own and their child's best interests. Since older 60's mothers began researching adoption history in this past decade, and discovering that they did have legal rights afterall, irrespective of their parents opinions, and that warning them of the known potential for grievous future regret and psychological injury was supposed to be part of adoption counselling throughout history (part of natural justice in common law), and that the hospital practices were illegal in every respect, infant adoption is a phenomenon that is now pretty much over save for 88 or so local annual adoptions in a population of 20 million. The litigation has begun. One young mother who surrendered her baby four years ago has just won her case against an adoption agency for not being warned of the known lifelong grief and psychological injury of surrender. Sadly it wont get her baby back but it will prevent all adoption agencies in Oz from promoting adoption unnecessarily or risk paying out squillions in damages as this one had to. Older mothers have also began taking action against the State Governments for its illegal past practices and for introducing adoption as a service to the public without ever having researched the potential for negative psychological consequences to either the mother or her child beforehand - until it finally opened its records. It will be interesting times ahead as this all unfolds. PS It's an honour to come across you here. Your book was an astonishing eye opener for me personally. And please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved firstborn. The tragedies never end.

I totally understand you would think that being adopted your parents would understand but they dont I went throught the same thing email me nancybriggs2265@hotmail .com

An absolutely powerful thread! I am a BMom and an adoptee. Laura, Your Parents????? AAAAAAAAAAaUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! This is the arrogance that often surrounds adoption!!! I have such a hard time and such a reaction when I hear things like the quote above. And then you must pick us or your daughter???? What?? that is crazy, abusive and sooooo arrogant. That kind of attitude makes me RAGE... I want to say to people like your Mom... "Hey lady...how nice of you to sit in judgement of someone with such distain but you needed them in order for you to be a parent??? Do you hear yourself?" Then I often wonder how many of these adoptive parents that are so judgemental would be in the same shoes as the birthmother if they could get pregnant. I wonder how many of them had sex at a younger age and didn't get pregnant because they couldn't but yet sit in judgement of someone who did the exact same thing but did get pregnant. It would be a great study, how many adoptive Mom's were sexually active at a young age and sit in judgement of their child's birthmother. Something to think about anyway. I hope you search, I hope you find them. It won't change who your parents are but it can be the most amazing addition that you could ever have. Good luck to you and thank you for posting! Kim

I've just read you post and can fully understand how you feel as I was pressured 23 years ago to give up my bson for adoption which was only mentioned 3 times afterwards. It took reunion with my bson for me to finally forgive my parents for the pressure they put me through all those years ago and for not talking about him or the adoption. I have also forgiven them now for not telling me they had contact with him and not telling him that they knew where I was living. I had fallen out with my family in early 1999 and didn't start communication with my parents until late 2001 - I still don't talk to my sister. During this time my bson found my family and they truthfully told him they didn't know where I lived. That doesn't excuse them though for not telling him when I recomenced communication, the excuse being they didn't know if my husband knew about him despite my sister telling my husband about him. Subsequently my bson thought I just didn't want to know him but obviously now he knows differently. I am so thankful for the day I found my details on a website entered by my bson so I was able to email him. Montravia :)

I really feel ya. You can't know how similar my story is, was.For so many years I counted b-days, and watched other families having that family thing, and would have to turn my head in sorrow. I fought hard and long to keep my kids, but at every turn, my mother would actually sabotage the process. I was young, and had enough trouble making good choices, and how I couldn't see it until much later (after termination of parental rights) just amazes me.I have been in therapy for years now, because I have no way of letting it go. A little over two months ago, my daughter (22yrs)contacted me, and then I was able to speak to my son(20) as well. I didn't stop crying tears of joy for about two weeks. I still have moments where I break out, cause I'm just so freakin happy to be able to know them. My anger over the whole situation still exists, and I still see the same therapist,,, it was great to be able to tell him of the reunion, but I am still having trouble. I hope this helps when I say "Don't give up", there out there and they will want to at least talk to you. I'm a BFather, and the bmother is nowhere to be found, but I feel that the burden I carried all these years is lifted now.Much love to you, Good Luck.