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Here's the situation.
We live about 30 mintues from the birth parents now. Before the birth we had talked about meeting them somewhere closer to our home every other visit since travelling with a young child is never easy. We figured that the months she had doctors visits we'd go to them and they would come to us the other months. They seemed open to the idea...However... My husband works 70-80 hours per week with one day off per week. The birthfather crashed his car into a building, lost his insurance and drivers license and the birthmom doesn't know how to drive (19 yrs old). The birth father now could care less about seeing Lily (daughter). He never cared too much to begin with and now without a car he really doesn't want to make the effort.
We have a good bus system in our area with bus stops near parks that are a little closer to us (15 min instead of 30). We also live in a very nice part of central california with great weather and safe neighborhoods. We have made all the effort in going to see the birthmom when she wants to see Lily, but it is exhausting and after asking her about it she refuses to ride 15 minutes on a bus to meet us to see her birth daughter. She insists we come to her (actually one block from her house so she doesn't have to walk too far). At our last appointment to meet, I called her the morning of on the way into town and she had scheduled a drs. appt at the same time and cancelled. I tried calling later in the day while still in town to meet us in about 15 -20 minutes at the park one block down and she said she couldn't meet us down the block because she was "having lunch". I asked her what about after and she just said she was busy having lunch.
Now, we're moving to a town closer to my husbands work, but 1 hour from birthparents town. Our landlord is selling our house and we feel its perfect time to move/buy home closer to husband (5 minutes versus 1 hour drive each way).
Did I mention Lily HATES her carseat and screams the entire time she's in it? We're getting a new carseat so maybe that will help but I'm not counting on it since she's in the old one for a while longer until the new one comes in on order.
Any suggestions on this one folks? I really feel like I'm the only one making the effort here. My husband doesn't have time to go with or take Lily on his own. He makes time, but I hate spending his one day off driving with a screaming baby. Birthmom refuses to travel or make any effort to meet us halfway by taking bus or getting ride from someone and since birth father doesn't care he's no help. I'm the one who will have to ride for two hours (one each way) in a car with a screaming baby who it kills me to not be able to just pull over and let out, in order to take my daughter to see someone she won't even remember because she's only 4 months old! HELP PLEASE?!?!? Suggestions desired.
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Originally posted by pingaa3
We have made all the effort in going to see the birthmom when she wants to see Lily, but it is exhausting and after asking her about it she refuses to ride 15 minutes on a bus to meet us to see her birth daughter. She insists we come to her (actually one block from her house so she doesn't have to walk too far).
I really feel like I'm the only one making the effort here.
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Can I just take a moment and comment on what a REMARKABLE mom you are!!!!!!!! I was reading your post and I am just shocked and admire you a great deal for the great sacrifices you are making for your daughter. My husband and I have not yet been matched but if I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider having a heart-to-heart talk with her first. Maybe because she is young, she doesn't see the importance of the visits and since she agreed, she needs to accept responsibility or agree that maybe the visits are not in everyone's best interests if neither she, nor the birthfather, have been keeping their end of the agreement. If she is no longer interested, especially once you move, then I'm not sure if I would continue to jump through hoops for them. They have to at least meet you half-way!
You are an amazing woman and one that should be commended. We read posts here from birthmothers about amoms who don't hold up their end of the agreement and then you are on the other end of the spectrum doing all that you can to honor yours! Kudos! You greatly inspire me.
God Bless you!:D
kllee
The whole idea behind an open adoption is that it is in the best interest of the child. I don't believe that, if the bparents are not making at least a reasonable effort, it remains in the best interest of the child. Who are these visits benefiting? You're right, your baby will not remember them at her age. A few well thought out letters that the bmother actually sat down and took the time to write to her at this age will do her much more good down the road than torturing her by strapping her into her carseat just to be stood up. (Although I don't feel that 30 mins is that far-- our baby's bparents live 9hrs from us). We maintain contact with our dd's bfather, but he (or his mom at least) makes the effort to come see her (9hrs away). If they're not willing to put forth the effort to ride on a bus for 15 mins, this is not in your child's best interest.
I guess I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and have that heart-to-heart with her. If she's not willing to put forth more of an effort to see your daughter, tell her that you will send pictures and letters until she is.
Don't feel like you owe it to your child to make these visits happen any way you can. Yes, you did both make a commitment to her, but your commitment as a parent to provide stability for your daughter should come first.
Maybe it's too painful for the bmom to visit now even though she wants it. Ask her if she's feeling that and maybe take a break from visiting for a few months. To me, repetition of that behavior seems to be an attempt to send you a message: "I am not ready to visit and I will seek out excuses not to." Every human being is guilty of passive aggressive behavior to some degree; I'm sure it's just part of the healing process for her.
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My guess is that she is trying to move on, but then feels guilty. It's probably harder, that the child's Birthfather isn't much help. I went through this, with my son, with his Bmom. She wouldn't take the bus neither. Once we stood up and say you have to met us "half way" not just in distance, but to also continue this relationship. You can still be kind to her on the phone, like it sounds like you have a lot going on right now, maybe it will be a better idea if we lessen the visits for now. (ie:"busy" having lunch:rolleyes: ) Remember You are the mother now. And yes it's important that your daughter knows who her birthmom is, but this open relationship isn't supposed to be like you are baby-sitting, running her here and there. You instead want to keep communication open so your daughter will feel complete, knowing where she came from, and in case she has any questions.
Let us know how it goes!:)
Well, she's done it again. I called her two weeks ago and set up a visit for the 10th at 12:30. I was busy and forgot to call and remind her about it the night before and sure enough she was a no show on the 10th. She didn't even call or anything to cancel/or maybe about the wrong day. She just plain didn't show.
I'm disappointed. I really wanted to talk to her about how she's doing and how we're moving and what kind of compromise we could make about visits.
I'm starting to think LoveRiddenDad and Kerlynne are right and she doesn't know how to communicate to me that its too hard for her to see us and she doesn't want to visit.
When I tried to talk to her on the phone before a visit the end of July she just clammed up and wouldn't talk. So I have no idea what to do except keep sending her pictures to attempt to keep my promises about letting her know how Lily's (adaughter) life is going.
It is just so sad.
I
I think that you should keep the promise you made her, like you said, with sending the pictures. That way when your daughter is older, she can see that you didn't try to push her Bmom away. By sending the pictures/letters of your daughter, is allows the Birthmother to see her, but if she is having an off day, she doesn't have to look at the pictures, and hopefully just keep onto them, when she is strong enough to do so. I think by keep calling her, although you have all good intentions, it maybe forcing her into a closer relationship than she is ready for. When you do talk again on the phone, hopefully when she calls you, I would make a point, that it upsets you that she can't make these visits, that you plan ahead( i mean gosh you are the one tugging with a baby). You don't have to be mean, but say something like since life is so busy, why don't we wait till things get easier for you.
Good luck to you! :)
Maybe when you can talk with her, consider fewer visits, especially initially. It sounds like you're visiting quite a bit! I do think it's important to keep in touch with birthparents -- you're the guardian of your child's relationship with their BP until they're old enough to do it themselves -- even if the BPs aren't making it easy. My son's ** rarely initiates contact, which I have found frustrating, but I try to remember I'm doing this for my son, too. We just get together once a year as she lives about 8 hours away. Last year they did meet us somewhere, but it was pretty much just as far as if we'd driven to where she lives. I'm not particularly looking forward to setting the whole thing up, because she and her family (BF is not in the picture any more) do tend to be kind of last minute, so it's hard to plan things. But we genuinely enjoyed our visit once we got there. Hang in there and set some limits as kindly as you can. It's still pretty early on and she probably does have some issues she's still working through.
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Well what I'd do is tell her you're moving and if she wont talk on the phone send a letter. Tell her that I dont appreciate her forgetting and last minute cancels. Tell her I need her to put in more effort. Then I'd tell her exatly what I was willing to do. I'd say I'll call this many times per year/month, I'll send pics every so many months, but I'm leaving visiting up to you. You need to come here and once you start to keep your visits with us I will meet you halfway.
Thats what I'd do. If she cant keep her visits then I wouldnt put any effort into them at all either.