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We are developing a relationship with our son's bio-dad as he is deciding whether he wishes to parent, or whether he will support the adoption plan that birthmom made. Our son has been with us for four months now since his birth.
What we have been challenged with by the bio-dad is to get creative and come up with ideas as to how we will keep him in his son's life, and how we will reinforce that he didn't give up on him (didn't choose to "give him away"). We are extremely supportive of a very involved relationship, but we are currently limited by a distance of 3000 miles. We do not in any way feel threatened by other parental figures in our son's life, so no idea is "too far" as it concerns parental boundary issues.
So far, we have come up with the following, but need MANY MORE ideas:
- We asked bio-dad to create his own "Baby Sign" that we will reinforce with our son during a visit and showing his picture. Then when bio-dad is on the phone, we'll sign for our son who it is.
- We have reserved the name "Dad" for his bio-dad. My husband prefers "Papa" anyway, so that worked out pretty well.
- We sing every night to our son, so we've asked bio-dad to come up with a special song that we will tell our son that is from his "dad"
- Bio-dad asked us last week to say a one line blessing for our son, so we say that to him every night at the end of our singing session and tell him it's from his dad.
- My niece came up with the idea of flash cards with pictures of their times together (we've only had one visit so far, but will accumulate more pictures as we get in more visits).
Another thing to note in coming up with ideas is that we have offered to the biodad that we would spend our winters out west (within a twelve hour drive from bio-dad), so that we could spend long weekends with him. I telecommute and we're considering that my hubby will be home with our son. So any ideas for weekend activities would be welcome, too. Or road games that might reference the bio-dad in some way.
Any and all ideas welcome!!!! Please, this is so important and my creativity has been sapped by anxiety over the potential loss of our son!
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To keep my dd's gparents in her heart we videotaped them reading to her and play her the video. You could also set up one of those computer cameras and have a weekly video phone call with "Dad."
And of course, in your son's lifebook, tell how Dad didn't know he existed until after he was born and how he thought long and hard about raising him, but in the end decided that Mama and Papa were the perfect forever family (or something like that), but that he will always love his boy.
Have him make cards for father's day and Dad's birthday.
You put Dad's picture on t-shirts, cups, decopage it on the baby's plate (ok I'm getting a little silly).
Send Dad special wrapping paper so that your boy knows that every red (or blue or silver) present is from his Dad.
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Originally posted by Volfe
I have to figure out some fairly strong paper to print it on. But this would not be a scrapbook... It would be a book to tote around, to love looking at and to possibly lose (but replaceable!)
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Oh that's true! I'd forgotten about Kinko's :blush:
I - or someone else - could set up a quark document and create a pdf from it. You could also actually use Word but... quark gets fancier.
Then you could print on say, photo paper, can easily adhere two together with photo mounting sheets (iron them on), need to round the corners, laminate (at kinko's too I think), bind 'em, and voila!
:)
Thanks you all!
In addition to all of your ideas "as is", I've come up with a couple that combine some of your ideas in some way or another.
To tell the story of his dad's journey in making the adoption decision, we thought we'd create a book that has a sort of "Princess Bride" theme (minus the kidnapped princess), but the gist would be that Dad finds out about his son so he sets out on a journey to find him. Fighting dragons and killer rabbits (okay, maybe I'm mixing a little Monty Python in there, too :) ) to find his son. The story is about all of the dangerous hurdles he had to overcome to find his boy, and all of the witches and soothsayers along the way who try to throw him off of his journey. He also has an eagle who speaks to him that guides him along the way, and provides riddles that convey a more positive outcome at the end of the journey. When Dad finally finds his boy, he is in a Rivendell type setting (Eden, paradise, whatever) with a loving family, and then Dad has to think long and hard about whether he should take him from this place to journey with him, or whether he should leave him in the home he has come to know. He will deliberate about all the cool places he could show his son, and share with him, and then he can talk about being able to do that and still return him home to his paradise, and that Dad can continue to visit him in paradise often.
We thought we'd have Dad read this story on video, too, so our son has that to associate Dad with.
I'm hardly a storybook writer for kids, so we figured we'd spend a day in the kids section of Borders and steal some ideas. Anyone here got some?
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We've gone further with the story and decided not to end it with Dad's decision, but continuing on with all the things that Dad will share with and show his son as he grows. Like an activity or visit to someplace cool for various stages in his childhood. That will give him something to look forward to, and specific things to associate with Dad.
We're still looking for more great ideas, so keep them coming! We're visiting bio-dad in his corner of the world this coming weekend.
Plareb,
Can I just say that you and your dh are AMAZING!!!!???
There should be more parents like you.... so thoughtful and secure and loving...
OK. First of all, I LOVE your storyline idea.
Second... I know my bdaughter's aparents use my name when they read adoption books together. They prompt her. ("Who's your birthmother, Marie?") This helps keep my name and role in front of her.
I, too, made a scrapbook and sent it with her at placement, and I know they look through that sometimes.
Other ideas, off the top of my head....
Light a candle for the birthfather every year on his and/or your son's birthday.
Keep a special box where you put all the letters/emails the bfather writes, and take them out on son's bday and read some to him.
Keep a picture of the bfather in your son's room.
I hope this all works out for you... it must be hard, coping with the possibility of losing your son. You are in my thoughts and heart.
Nicole
Thanks, Nicole. Those are great ideas. I like the part about incorporating your name and role while storytelling. I figure I'd also bring up their names when we see someone doing one of their hobbies (they are both into outdoor activities ... some of them different than the ones we do). But any other suggestions on bringing up their names would be welcome.
We got a really cool frame to go with our nursery set (John Lennon Musical Parade) that is a tri-fold ... absolutely perfect for adoption where the birthparents aren't together since it has room for each of the birthparents individually, and one for the adoptive parents together. We thought that since the fact that our son's birthparents aren't together is a big reason why he is with us, then that simple frame design tells part of his story, and has all four of our smiling faces looking over him in his crib.
Bio-dad has already started on a scrap book for him, too. Any ideas on what to include in the scrapbook besides extended family pictures?
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Well... a lot of what I put in Marie's scrapbook was hospital/birth-related, which I guess wouldn't work in your son's bdad's situation! :D
However, I also put in:
A family tree. My family on one page, and as much as I knew of the bdad's on another page.
A poem I wrote for her.
A letter explaining why I was choosing to place her with her parents.
Pics of me and my family.
I think maybe I also wrote up a little info page about myself and the bdad--our interests, hobbies, etc. Not sure on that.