a gift not a shame

I'm really not sure entirely. I think part of the reason is our society readily embraces the "coldness" of western science, which seems to state that you should feel everything and do everything deemed normal by our society because of biological responses and genetics. When I think about children, I think about light. The best way I can explain it: Let's say being someone's biological child makes you a wave of light. Being someone's adopted child who is loved makes you a particle of light. It is IMPOSSIBLE according to modern science for something to be a wave and a particle (much in the same way we think it's impossible for children to love two families). Quantum physicists have joked about "wave-icles" for years (and such a clever, humorous bunch they are :rolleyes:). We've been arguing for YEARS what light, and what an adoptee, is. This is where the practicality of E-Prime comes in. Rather than arguing about the "is-ness" of a lot of things, it seems like to me it's easier and more understandable to say, "My child seems to be both a part of their biological family as well as mine." It sounds a trifle snooty, but I try to use the word "is" as little as possible, as you limit what things are when you categorize them. Adopted children "are" (there's a form of the word) someone else's children, therefore the birthmom should get out! See, "is" makes it easier to react with bigotry and stupidity. If my children seem like mine, as opposed to just being mine, I might be willing to think more about bmom being in our lives (and we have such great bmoms). I'm pretty confident that it's hard to find out where you're from is because of standard language, like: You are Bob. You were adopted, and you were raised in MN. That becomes your identity! People who think outside the box seem to pose a threat to a lot of people for reasons I don't entirely grasp. Go figure. Anyway, my brain hurts after thinking about that, but good question! I hope that helps.

BTW, I just wanted to add, I think eastern philosophy could really help change some of these silly attitudes! I think it was the Dalai Lama who said, "Western medicine and eastern philosophy could be a beautiful marriage."

Coming from a different perspective then a lot of you on this forum, as the spouse of an adoptee ( also the grand daughter of an adoptee)but not a part of the birth family or an adoptee famlly member myself, I have found a few things that surprise me along the journey I am on right now helping my husband search for his birth family. One, yes I do think there is still a stigma attached to the word " adopted". I find it very sad that adult adoptees who wish to know where they came from have to go through often years of searching,sometimes at great finanical cost, almost always with overwhelming emotional issues. i know in the small amount of time I have been searching I have become some what frustrated at the situation. There are case workers at the Childrens Home Society in Jacksonville archive department who know more about my husband's hertiage then he knows about himself. The government also knows more about his beginnings then he does. That does not seem right to me. Just because my husband was adopted he should know less about his roots then I do, as an non adoptee? I was just yesterday wondering myself , why there has to be such secrecy.Please don't misunderstand me I think adoption is a wonderful thing. I know my husband was blessed with wonderful parents who showered him with love and kindness, But I also have come to understand society back in the late 50's when my husband was born was full of secrests They were very sexually hung up , you didn't talk about much back then, they had a lot of secrets, not just where adoption was concerned but about lots of lifes issues. Take a child growing up in an alcoholic family,alcoholism was a "secret" not to be talked about, just like adoption. So was money or anything to do with sex. So it seems the 50's was just a whole big secret. For many those secrets have carried over to the 21st century. Yet it seems alcoholism is a bit more talked about, sex is definetly a more approachable subject , but adoption still seems to be the hush word. How sad for those who are adults and still searching for the age old question " who am I". Some else posted the following which I am going to repost it was a statement from a judge in SC on unsealing an adoptees birth records, It would be nice if we just unsealed without having to go to court, does that not sound silly one has to go to court ( usually reserved for criminals) to find out who they are ? Anyway here it is The law must be consonant with life. It cannot and should not ignore broad historical currents of history. Mankind is possessed of no greater urge than to try to understand the age-old questions: ӓWho am I ԓWhy am I? Even now the sands and ashes of the continents are being sifted to find where we made our first step as man. Religions of mankind often include ancestor worship in one way or another. For many the future is blind without a sight of the past. Those emotions and anxieties that generate our thirst to know the past are not superficial and whimsical. They are real and they are ԓgood cause under the law of man and God ԔJudge Wade S. Weatherford, Jr. Resident Judge, Seventh Judicial Circuit Court, South Carolina. Bradey v. Childrens Bureau of South Carolina, (Spartanburg County, S.C., Ct. C.P., Apr. 9, 1979), revҒd, 275 S.C. 622, 174 S.E. 2nd 418 (1981).: He granted the petition and unsealed the records. Anyway , I don't think you are wrong with your assesments. I do think the laws of this country, one need to be changed and second need to be constant, not differ from state to state. What I mean by that is, Florida for example, is a "closed" state, records sealed, not all states are that way, it should be the same across the board. Society needs to realize that adoption is not a secret , it happens each and every day all over the world.Sure as there is a baby born every second of every day somewhere in the world. Just my opinion,,,,,,,,,, Good luck with your search... Peace Shade

Oh wow!! Not to drag the thread off topic, but my son was born at Delnor, but in 1993. Small world. They moved the hospital. It is no longer in St. Charles and it is now in Geneva. At any rate, I am an adoptee, an activist and a therapist working with adopted persons and mothers who have surrendered. In most States, adoptees have less rights than prisoners. Ours is an completely antediluvian system compared to the rest of the free world. We deserve to know who we are, where we came from and why we are here. The shame, the secrecy and the LIES (legalized or otherwise) needs to stop! Why we continue this way with adoption is beyond my comprehension. Here in the good ol' US of A, where consumerism is King, you can buy anything you want.....including the "promise" of "as if born to". It is absolutely maddening for me as a person who was/still is subject to this fallacy.

And on Dec 26th.....that was the weird part and didn't, for some reason, include that in the first post.

It's a catch 22. There is a stigma in adoption because many people touched by it don't talk about it in public. People don't like talking about it in public because of the stigma. Before my sister adopted a child I really didn't know anything about it other than what the movies showed. And movies are a terrible way to find out about anything! I think the stigma will start to go away as more families are touched by it and as more people talk about it openly. On my desk at work there is a family photo from my neice's first birthday that includes the birthmother- and boy are people usually speechless when I tell them that. But some of them are very interested and I love answering their questions because it means that they are learning. Sure it means having to answer some stupid questions ("isn't she confused by having them both in her life?" and "aren't you afriad that the birthmom is going to come back and try to steal her?") but I'd rather answer those questions than have them walking around with all that misinformation. And many people really don't understand how hard it is to get records unsealed. All they know about reunions are from talk shows and they always make it look so easy (which it is if you can hire a whole staff of PI's to do the searching).

I talk about adoption as often as possible in my daily life! Well not to those who've heard it all from me before, but to anyone who seems like a good cantitade for a little extra education! My employees now talk about Kara and my relationship with her openly with me when at first they were all afraid to bring it up. Adoption has now become a daily part of their lives- Its no longer something unknown and I believe that is how we kill this stigma with adoption. Adoption is wonderful- Tell the world!