My daughter possibly found her birthparent..Need some advice.

I, as a birth mother, would love to meet my birth daughter's parents. To tell them thank you for giving her the life that she deserved - the one that I was not able to give her at the time of her birth. I do not want to replace them.

I wasnt raised by my B/MOM and when I got to know her, it helped me through alot of my own anger..... but.. I will always love and care deeply for the families that did take care of me. That is something that can never be replaced.... Dont worry, dont treat this like a divorce or it wont be good but speaking from my heart she needs you to listen when she wants to talk about her B/Mom and Talk gently when she cant, she has to feel that void.... you been ther for her this far, STAY put be yourself!! If you ever want to talk email me, searching for my sister who was adopted....9-2-73. ;) Riki

Hi, the prior responses to your post were really excellent -- I am a first mom who has been in reunion via phone and email with my daughter now for 7 months and please believe me I have no intentions of ever interfering with her relationship with her family. What we are developing is unique and separate relationship but not a competitive one in any way. My daughter needed to here the "why" and "how" questions answered and the only one who could truly answer those is the woman who bore her. She is very close to her parents and I am very glad and relieved that she was given the love and support that fostered that kind of relationship. Please do not get into a defensive mode and do try to understand that she needs to fill in the gaps -- they are not ones you made -- they are situational. Try not to make it an either or situation. I gave her love and life but it was the aparents that gave her the love and the ability to grow to be who she is today. Most fmoms have spent a large part of their lives with a hole in their soul, second guessing their decision and worried about how their child faired and hoping and praying that they were adopted by loving parents. A lot were coerced into adoption in the first place and never allowed to grieve their loss and were supposed to act like it never happened. This is where they are coming from. They are seeking "closure". They have no animosity toward those who have provided and protected and loved their child nor are they trying to take them back. JMO, but the best thing would be to try, and I know it is hard, to relax and go with the flow. Things will work out fine as long as it is not turned into a competition or guilt trip for the child. Be proud that your daughter trusted her relationship enought to tell you she has made contact -- a lot of adoptese keep this a secret because the fear how it will be taken on the homefront. Aishlin

I never thought that at almost 16 my daughter would be in reunion. I thought she would be at least 18 or 21 when she even considered it. My daughter never seemed like the girl to wonder about her natural mother, but then again, some people are good at hiding what they really feel. She's just my little girl and I don't want anything to happen to her. :( I hate to see her hurt in any way.

Hi, I too was surprized at how young your daughter was to be in reunion. As her mother, I too would be concerned -- do you know who found who and how the connection was made or was this one of the semi-open adoptions? Most firstmoms I have met on the various lists I belong to, who were the ones to initiate searches, usually did not do so until after the child was 21. That is why I think it is of the utmost importance that you allow her full openness with YOU so that you can safeguard her and support her during this time. Reunion is a rollercoaster ride for everyone involved and at 16, very few young women are really emotionally ready for this. Since it has begun already, it is too late to do anything about it, just be careful to let yourself be case in the role of the "bad" guy. By remaining very open, very supportive and interested in what is going on you will be doing to the very best thing to safeguard her. Is there a gentle way to get yourself into this, as your are the other part of the triad. As your daughter is still underage, and in a lot of states would not even be able to access her info, much less have unsupervised contact, see if you can get your daughter to let you talk to this woman or get to know her in someway. Use the boards for any rants or raves you need to make (don't do them in front of your daughter or the fmother), you can feel free to contact me directly off the forum if you wish. You do have a right and a need to be a part of this. I, personally, would want to know a lot more about the first mother. The really good thing I hear in all is this is that your daughter feels safe enough with your relationship to tell you about this contact -- just keep that door way open. My daughter is 36 and although she is the one who initially posted and eventually I found it and responded, it was/is emotionally overwhelming for her at times --- as it is for me. Hope I am not exiled from my fellow fmoms for my response to this, but we are talking about a 16 year old girl here and I really think the adults should have been in contact from the get go -- sorry to all you teenagers too -- but you are still young and never as worldly wise and mature as you often feel you are. Aishlin

Aishlin has written really sound advise. Keeping communication open is of utmost importance in this situation. Kathryn is still a minor and is very young. I like her suggestion of getting to know the first mom. A sixteen year old is just a child and not necessarily mature enough to handle the emotional ups and downs of a reunion. The teen years are difficult and awkward enough standing alone. I definitely would not make this a competition as that may put strains on the relationship that you now have with your daughter. My prayers are with you, Barbara

Wow. I can understand how you'd feel nervous and threatened - I'm an adoptee, not a birthparent, and I'm 29, not 16 and I think my aparents would STILL be freaked out about me being in contact with my b-mom. Aislin is right - 16 is a hard age to deal with this. She needs another 10 years, IMO. But what's started is started... that said, my first thought when I read your post was that your daughter *thinks* she found her birthmom - how did the circumstances play out? Did she see an older person, camp counselor etc, that looks like her or was it more than that? I know (even now I must admit) I had fantasies about every blue-eyed freckled 30 year old I saw at that age. Just a thought, that it may be less than it is. If it is her real bioparent, she should have contacted you first. Keep us posted, my thoughts are with you.

KathrynsMommy, Don't know if you're still reading this thread, but I'll take a stab at it... I guess I'm curious as to what, exactly, your concerns are. You mentioned that you feel like you have "competition." This surprises me a bit. I've read some of your other posts, and seem to remember you saying that you are a birthmom yourself. Is this correct? Do you feel that your birthchild's amom is some sort of competition for you as a birthparent? I ask b/c I really cannot understand. As a birthmom, the very idea of "competition" between the aparents and bparents makes me cringe. BOTH sets of parents play an important role in their children's lives. I am the link to Marie's orgins, her past, and her biology. Her amom is her mommy, her caretaker, her security. There is plenty of room for both of us in her life. It's not a competition--it's a complement. We complement each other perfectly. Even if your daughter's bmom turns out to be petty or difficult, your daughter may need to figure out for herself whether she wants this woman in her life. She is your daughter's relative.... would you cut her off from her grandmother if grandma was petty or difficult? To tell the truth, I don't 16 is an unusual age for her to be wanting reunion. Having never navigated a reunion, I will say that I'm sure the other posters are right--it surely seems to be a difficult, emotional process. But if she is wondering NOW, wanting this NOW, I'm not sure there is a good reason for delaying.... Assuming this woman is not some kind of monster, if she and your daughter both want to know each other, what is the point of keeping them apart? I know this is easy for me to say... difficult for you to go through. I do hope you'll let me know about your own birthmother status, though... could that be playing any kind of a role in your discomfort with this? With concern for you, Kathryn, and all involved, Nicole

I can only hope that she will get my message here. If you read this, please delete some of your messages from your inbox. I have sent several responses to your daughter, but you cannot view them unless some old ones are deleted (small file storage space). I've been sick to my stomach worrying that she feels as if I'm ignoring her. The pain thinking that I don't want to talk to her is unbearable. Please help. Stacie

Kat ,the box is full=( please delete some so I can email you back!!

Hi, I am doing some research regarding the feelings of adopted parents 1. how did you react to your adult child seeking or wanting to be reunited with their Birth family 2. what affects has it caused your family?. 3. Did you support your adult child when they were searching? 4. Did they include you before they started there search? 5. If they did not include you before they started searching, how did that make you feel? 6. If at all, do you have a relationship now with the birthfamily on this question 6 this does not pertain to an open adoption, if it was an open adoption please do not answer question 6. Please be open and honest with your answers. Please reply and number your answers to match the questions above. Thank you and I look forward to your responses. Sincerely, BN