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If you decide to adopt foster children
Please, if you decide to adopt children in foster care, do not forget about the foster home they were in before they came to you. We had 2 children for 1 1/2 years before we chose not to adopt them due to the fact that they were 2 out of a 5 sibling group that the state decided needed to be adopted together. We felt that we weren't ready to take on that many children so it was our choice not to adopt all 5. We had been told by a cw all along that we would be able to adopt the 2 that we had. Later, we were told that they made a decision to place them all together. We were made so many promises of continued contact by the adoptive parents. They promised phone calls, letters, and pictures. It has been 3 1/2 years and we have yet to receive one letter, picture, or a phone call. I called them 2 or 3 times a few months apart and the next time I tried to call their phone # was changed. If I had it to do over again, we would have adopted all 5. Please, don't forget about where these children come from. Their foster parents are a big part of their life and the children need to remain in contact if possible. The day they came to pick our kids up was the most depressing day of my life. I sent doubles of all the pictures that we had taken when they were with us. I even sent the pictures from their bfamily. I helped load the u-haul that they had to rent to carry all of the stuff that we had purchased for the children. I couldn't walk into the Disney store without crying because the little boy we had loved buzz lightyear and he was everywhere. It seemed like everytime I went to the store, I ran into the best friend of the little girl we had. She always asked about her friend and I had to lie to that little girl and tell her that her best friend was doing good. I have no idea if they are doing good or not, I don't even know if they are dead or alive. I have even wondered if these people are abusing the children because they seem to be hiding something. Should they even be with these people? I pray that they are not being abused by them. Please, tell me how human being do this to each other and live with theirselves. These children weren't abused or mistreated in our home. What did this do to the children?
[Edited To Remove a Identifying information for confidentiality purposes.]
This is the ONLY warning that will be given on this matter.
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Just because these people did not keep ties with you doesn't mean they're hiding something and I don't think it's very nice to post their names on this forum after suggesting they might not be safe parents.
I'm sorry you miss these children and I'm sure it must be hard not to know where they are. I realize your point is about not forgetting existing relationships, but using peoples names is just not o'kay.
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The boy we had was 3 1/2 and the girl was 7. Their siblings were 5, 6, and 8. Their was only the one girl and the rest were boys. They were adopted in 2000. I know there will come a time that these children will look for their missing past and it will be hard for their adoptive parents to explain why they did the things that they did.
As Missouri is a closed adoption state, the continued privacy and safety of the children is the number one goal. I will be facing this dilema soon and I've been praying about it. They have been in a wonderful home for 3+ years and they cannot adopt them due to health reasons. I'm sure my children have formed a very strong bond with this family, but on the flip side, this FF has established a relationship with the bp's, do you see the dilema?
My number one goal is at all costs the safety of my children. I may set up a system where the kids can write letters, we'll take pictures and have the adoption worker forward this info. to the FF periodically.
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rights---this is at least the second thread you have posted with these feelings and I am actually worried about you....
I have gathered from your posts that you feel these children are off living with the enemy and will grow up to hate their adoptive family for not keeping contact with the Foster Family they lived with for one and a half years and who did NOT want to adopt them with their siblings....
It seems like it has been a long time since all of this happened. And I am very sorry you are hurting about it..... But adoptive families are not obligated to maintain this contact and the fact that some adoptive families who are dealing with FIVE children all at the same time are not interested in keeping the former foster family updated does not mean they are a bad family!
I know it must hurt but foster care and adoption is NOT about the adults involved it is about the children and if the adoptive family has any reason to feel that contact with people from the past is NOT a good idea then they as the parents get to decide what is RIGHT for their children....
How do you know that the three siblings who were with another foster family are not in contact with them either due to a more important issue...I would not have two of fime in contact I would decide what was right for all of them....
I am thinking that you are getting way over the edge with your feelings here... Have you asked for counseling in order to help deal with this....Posting private info is crossing a big red line.
HappyMomAnna,
I take it that you can relate to the amom and I can only wonder why. Your situation might even be totally different than mine and you really don't know anything about why we didn't adopt all 5 at the time, so why are you taking it so personal. I can even tell that you are not really worried about anyone so, why bother saying it. If you carry alot of hate for the bmom or anyone else it will pass to your child. No, we are not obligated to keep in touch but there is a thing called respect for other people. Why lie? I only ask for the truth but some people are not capable. Believe it or not, I forgave the amom along time ago and I have no hard feelings but I still stronly believe in doing the right thing. The right thing is telling the truth, if you change your mind, then say it.
Well I do care very much about many people and I am very sorry this situation hurts so deeply for you.... I think there are some 2000 post here and most of them should show I have compassion.....for birthfamilies for foster families but MOST of all for the children....
My feeling is that the children have parents now. I don't know why they would say one thing and do another.... I don't think however that two wrong will ever make a right and posting info you promised to keep confidential was a wrong... and I don't what other real life things may have taken place....and I don't really care to be a judge about any of the details of this situation...
I think that it would have been nice if the family sent you pictures and a letter----I give you that and if you have contacted them then I think that you have done all you can....
I also know that when we adopted our children we became the family and we made the decisions. The conversations I have had here with you have made me MORE likely to NOT make contact of send pictures or have anything to do with the former Foster Family becuase to be honest I have enough drama in my life I really don't need to add a former Foster mothers feelings into the mix..... I am thanful my children were in a safe home and had their needs met and were taught some of the basics about love and living in a family before we adopted them BUT I am not going to feel like I am obligated to always think of two former foster families and a biological famliy in addition to the needs of my children.
We are the adults here and you also do not know what the realities of the adoptive family of these children might be expereincing.... I only have two children and am busy and running around taking care of one need--one doctor appointment---one therapy session and one crisis after another I simply don't even time to be sitting around wondering how the foster family is dealing....I assume they have additional children to foster and that they grew from this expereince.... The were grown up's when they became Foster Parents they knew this was the nature of the job....and they decided they did not want to adopt the sibling group...
I can have compaission for them as humans who did a great thing for the children I adopted--It does not mean I am personally indebeted to them for the rest of my life.... I agree sending a picture is no big deal but I am not the mother of five siblings who came from two or more different foster homes and I have no clue what might be happening there....
My kids foster mother has NEVER called me---I am sure I would be polite and if she asked I would send pictures but I truthfully have two children to take care of and help heal over their past and weather they had a great Foster Home or not isn't a part of what is going on.... today.
I assume you have asked for pictures and an umdate... I am not sure what you want to gain by these threads...Warning us to consider the foster family is respectful and nice and I think that in most cases we adoptive families do our best to remember the people who cared for our children.....but we are living the now and the future with the kids and we need to keep THEM at the center of our concern.... I don't think it is right for the afamily to reject and ignor you this way....but, I also don't know what you have said to them or about them.... I do know some of what I have read would not make me interested in sending you letters either.... so maybe it is partly about the delevery...
You can draw more flies with honey then with vinigar...
Do you have more childen to foster? Have you been able to connect on the same level with other children....? I can onlyimagine how it must hurt to let children you have bonded with move on....