gifts from bmom

Gator, I didn't take offense and sorry if you did. I think the overall goal is cooperation. You, or anyone else in the universe, is obligated to do nothing. It sounds like you're going through a sensitive time. I'm not suggesting anything. However, I'm guessing while hanging out with the bmom you didn't say, "And you're not allowed to send gifts or ask to speak to us on the phone." I'm not suggesting you open this up. Another poster put it more eloquently: Things evolve and change. Your writing style says to me, "I've made up my mind about how to handle the situation." I'm just not clear on why it's not alright for her to send a package. She (unlike the birthfather) isn't threatening to take the child back. Why not embrace the relationship? I'm not saying she needs to have regular visits or anything, but a package or honest conversation might help. Mike

My suggestion- Write in detail what contact you were expecting before she placed with you and how what is happening with contact isnot what you expected. She may not know your boundaries. As a firstmom myself I would rather know the boundaries than for the adoption to eventually close because the parents were unable to comunicate with me. I would also ask in a letter what contact she was expecting and how it is different for her than what is happening. She may be feeling very alone- we firstmoms have no one to talk to. My bf wont talk about it because he feels like a failure and my family is uncomfortable when I bring it up. You may have no idea how much comfort contact with you gives her. She may also be fearing that you will close the adoption and is probably very scared about that. I've heard many firstmoms say, "if I knew they'd close the adoption and I'd never see my baby again I would never have done it" The thought of not knowing if the child is happy and how they're doing is very scary. If I were you I'd do a letter or meet in person with someone from the agency together. But I think your right that a phone conversation wouldnt be the best way to discuss this issue which is probably quite sensitive for both of you.

shelliemart Thanks for your perspective. I will take that into consideration. I have no intention of closing the adoption, b/c that is not what I agreed to and regardless of anything I feel an obligation to uphold my end of the bargain both for our birthmom and for our daughter. In my last letter to her I did address the name issue and explained to her why I didn't feel a phone conversation would be a good idea from my perspective. It was most likely while that letter was in the mail to her from the agency that she sent this package to the agency for us.

gatorfan- please dont think I was trying to say you would close. Forgive me if I made it sound that way. Yeah, we bmoms need lots of reasurance at times. The thought is a scary one and no one around us can help us with that fear. Even logic wont destroy that fear totally for me, but oh well, when she's 18 maybe I'll get past that fear... Hopefully it'll all work out with no big bumps. Hopefully she'll go with the name thing without a fuss, but if it doesnt change find out why she feels she needs to call the baby by the name she chose. Maybe it makes her feel connected in some way? I dont know just a guess.

Hello, I am an adoptive mother of two children through fost/adopt. Currently we are waiting for the third....Well my experience with birth parent contact is diffrent because my children where taken at birth because of drugs/substances probs. from mom. Well, mom and b-dad never visited while they had the right to. Our youngest is now two and I recently wrote her a letter asking her if she would like to recieve a letter and pictures as he grows. We really did it for our son and did not think we would get a responce because of her track record. However, three months later we recieved a letter from her (from the agency) that our letter brought her peace. She told us "thank you for loving my son and giving him a good life." I was SHOCKED!!! I had always been sad for our son because we did not know what to expect if or when he ecides to meet her later in life. Unfortunately, we do not have the story "she did it out of love" but now we have a warm letter that I believe will bring him peace. We had the birth father contest his termination of rights and he won. He actually changed CA state law through the appelate process that changes birth fathers rights (elevates them). We understand your new pain he is more of a threat then mom wanting a say in your daughters name. I would name your daug. whatever you planned on. It was never said you would do this. For three months her name has been ??? and should stay that way. I think gifts are ok but I would closely monitor them (appropriatness) I think truly over the years they will diminish. We have one stuff animal from bio grandma that sits on our son's shelf that we all treasure. I would not feel comfortable with a room full of things from her, but I don't think this will be the case. I believe the gifts are a way to bring her peace. I'm sure she is going through horriable grief and loss. I would write a letter, reassure her that you will keep to the agreement. Thank her for your "angel" and let her know she will always be an important person in your family (birth mom). You want her on your side if bio dad continues to contest. You do not want her behind dad pushing him to get baby back. Our situation worked out 2 YEARS LATER!!!! We were placed with our son at three months and the adoption wasn't final until last month!!!!!! We loved him so much and I could not think of life without him. I thought about all the things I would miss out on. We already faced infertility loss. The court said he had to paternity test before he could get OUR son back (which he never had met) well he tested and he was not the father!!! He tried to contest that too, saying we brought the wrong baby. Well we did think of that but they take his pic etc...and we knew we would never really do that but you feel so helpless. Anyway we finalized. I think letters and pictures are enough. You do not need to change her name. Gifts are ok, just monitor them. Really special stuff save on a shelf. Toys let her play with them, as she grows her attention span is minimal and needs lots to explore. It is up to you if you tell her when she's young who they came from. Also at three months you don't know your daughter's personality she made need reassurance her b-mom gave her up for adoption out of love. The future is so hard to predict. Always keep your daughter's well-being first and it will all be OK. NIkki

I'm going to say not to say thank you. Phrase it somehow different. Like you will never know how much we appreciate the sacrifice you made. Or We hope we live up to your standards you had for your bchild. Thank you sounds... Well I cant think of how to put it in words, but just think if you were to give that baby now to someone else and they said thanks. We know you dont mean for it to sound "cheap" (I think that word will sort of fit) But to me it does. I know that this is probably the most wonderful gift you will ever recieve, but dont say thank you. Instead reveal to her your feelings about her relinquisment. Even the pain you feel at her sadness-only if that is how you feel, though. Tell her your joy at being able to have the chance to be mommy to a precious little baby.

Well I am sorry if "thank you" sounds cheap. My son's birth mother wrote us "thank you for loving my son and giving him a good life."I honor and cherish those words as my son may do someday. Yeah she could of worded it fancier but she was writing it from her heart I am not going to ask her to re-word it... I am a very caring adoptive mother and advocate adoption at prospective adoption classes and such. What I have learned is every parent is diffrent in their beliefs and goals with adoption. I think personally me thanking the birth mother for my son brought her peace and in return she wrote me and brought my family peace. Hopefully all will do and write what they feel it is already a situation that pulls at your heart strings.....If its thank you or something else..it doesn't matter, what counts are the children.

I'm sorry if that sounded rude. I did not mean it that way I just feel diffrent then you about "thank you". I think simplicity is sometimes all that is needed. Sorry thread starter the post got off subject. Heated emotions. I hope my prev. post helped you. Nikki Mommy to two of the cutest angels Joseph 2 and Sommer 8 and another one somewhere on the path.. hopefully home soon.

as a new birthmom(dec 15 2004) i wpould like to tell you that you need to take a moment and think about the fact that your bmom will get so much gratification form these presents being in the same home as her birthdaughter. i sent my daughter home in an outfit i bought and an angel that sings the lords preyer. the tought that littlr angel is in her crib wispering those sweet words in her ear becuse i can not be there to neal at her side and do it myself help me to feal like a small,small peace of something is there for her. the fact that i touched that angel and placed it with her at the hospital make me feal close in a way. you will never understand what this bmom feals like and no one expects you to, but those little gifts carry so much more with them on the way to your home than you will ever be able to fully apperciate. but your daughter will. this is not meant to be negitive, only a check. everyone needs to be but ib check every now and then. and no i don't think a phone conversation will help you or her. maybe a couple extra letters this first year would help. this women took 9 months from her life that she will never get back to carry a child she won't get to raise. i dont think axcepting this gift is going to harm any one.

Presents, unless interfering with your religion, lifestyle choices, etc (meaning sending (extreme example) satanic presents when you are devoutly Catholic) really have no reason to be turned away. Clothes can always be worn, no matter who they are from. Toys, if they are age appropriate, can always be played with if not by your kids then by other kids that happen to visit. If anything, presents, letters and cards can be boxed away for your child to read at a later date in time. My daughter's Mom saves all cards-slash-letters that I send for Munchkin to read later in life. I try to send them on holidays but forget sometimes. So, to make up for the ones I forget, I send a random little card to add to her box. These letters are vital to her later in life. As for the name issue, a boundary needs to be set and that rests, unfortunately, on your shoulders. You need to discuss with your child's birthmother that you have decided on a name and that changing the name at this point in time could result in confusion for your child, which neither of you should want. :) Inform her that when your child is old enough to truly understand the adoption, you will tell her (or she can tell her, or whatever you decide as part of YOUR boundary) that her Birthmother had a different name in mind. We all choose different names for personal reasons. And that's okay. You just need to set a boundary not only for your personal comfort (though, that's nice, too) but for your daughter. I'm rambling as it is late and I have insomnia. In short, set a boundary about the name and, if you feel you need to, a boundary about how many packages can be sent. (Meaning gifts. Letters should be welcomed and stored.) Good luck. If you need some advice on how to set a boundary without freaking her out or crushing her spirit, jot me off a PM. I'm usually around. Even at random hours such as this.... need sleep.

I am wondering if the birthmom knows why you chose the particular name. If you could tell her the the child is named after your favorite aunt Edna or his great-grandfather Ernest that he shares a birthday with or Martin after Martin Luther King or...whatever. Maybe the birthmother would be more accepting of the name if she knew its history or your reasons for choosing it. I know that right after I placed, I had a really hard time thinking of my birthdaughter by her name. I had spent the last 9 months thinking of her as "Baby" that it took a while to make the transition. The birthmom of your child may be in the same mindset. Now, I am not saying AT ALL that you should even consider changing your child's name. You have the right to choose it. However, your child's mom may need some time to relearn the baby's name. If someone were to change the name right now, would you be able to immediately make the switch? It took me over four months to stop calling my birthdaughter "Baby P..." "Baby" just came out and her actual name was almost an afterthought. I didn't mean to be disrespectful of the adoptive parent's choice in name, I just wasn't used to it yet. Another example I have is a friend of mine. He was named Joel by his parents. After some important events in his life, he decided to change his entire name. He is now named Jason. I met him as Jason, so that is what I called him. Another friend knew him as Joel. Sometimes that friend calls him Joel, sometimes Jason, but most the time it is Jo-Jason.

in my adopition, me and the adoptive mother did not really didcuse the name thing. i told her the name i liked. we kind of this weird unspoken understanding thatit would fit us better. i love the name i picked(Hailey Jo) long before i made an apodtion plan. i called ehr "baby" the whole time i was pregnant. i just want to remmeber her as Hailey, the way see was befor i left. :( i think you sould go ahead with the name you have given her that is your right to name that baby. but deffently accept the gifts.

Since I'm all of these: original mother, first mother, and biological mother, birth mother, and mother, besides my other titles which denote my education and professional affiliations, I feel we are all partners as we each strive to protect our child (children). I just found my birthdaughter's information a little less than a year ago. At her birth, I believed I had one choice: give my daughter the best opportunities available to her, despite the hardship it would cause me by relinquishing her, or nothing. I know I made the correct choice for my daughter. For many years I felt so alone in the grief which followed relinquishment: time does not heal the deeply wounded. I worried myself sick wondering if I'd chosen correctly. I was so gratified to find my birthdaughter's first words to me were, "I always knew you loved me. I always knew we'd be reunited. Thank you for my life. Thank you for choosing life for me, you could have chosen another way and it would have been so easy for you to do, more acceptable, than giving me life and reliquishing me. I have the best dad and mom, and they have always let me know how much I am loved. I knew you loved me and so do they." I haven't met my daughter, and I don't know if I will ever be given that chance. Other than a few phone calls and emails, this is all I have, presently. Weirdly, my initials are MTL and her's turned out to be MLT! She turns 31 years old April 5th. I feel I am blessed because I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is alive, loved, cherished, and has a wonderful family. I know she's said she's had a fantastic life, and I never need worry or grieve that I jeopardized her life by relinquishing her. She knows I had been abandoned by her father who told me to abort; she knows my family wouldn't help me, and that my choice was heartbreaking. I could say I had no choice, no options. That would be false, not having a choice: I chose life, her life over my happiness at that time, knowing that perhaps I'd never see her again. I have never forgotten her, I have always cherished the hope of being reunited with her, and because of my searching for her and finding her, albeit a voice on the other end of my phone many months ago, I have confirmation from her that she lacks for nothing. I can live with what I know: I may not have any further conversations with her or communications from her, but I understand I am one lucky woman, afterall is said and done. My daughter has everything I hoped she would have to ensure her life was blessed and graced within love's embrace. She didn't grow up feeling abandoned; she grew up feeling loved and treasured. I hope this helps other mothers and fathers. Whether we are original, first, biological, birth or adoptive parents, we all enter into each other's lives because we love(d) a child (children). I believe there is room for each of us to understand one another's position(s), viewed from the perspective of love, and love's importance as practiced everyday we share on earth. If we bring love to every nuance of our life, arranging ourselves to act in love, then we've considered not only what is best for our child (children), but also what is best for every person involved. This is what helps me grow and this defines me: how I treat others and myself. I know I'm a better person because of this four letter word, love. Can I ever forgive myself completely for relinquishing my daughter? Yes, I can one day. One day I will be a better person who can find the love needed to forgive one's self. I can tell you all how much I value our forum because I find love here, despite opinions which differ from mine. The perspective here is about our four letter word, love. Thank you for reminding me of this and letting me share. M.T.Lyons

WOW!! that was amazing and beutiful. i am a little more than 3 months after relin. and have not fond that love, or maybe i am to controlled by greif to find it. thank you for those words.

Look, this is an issue which is multi-faceted. When I am unsure of "the big picture and how my actions will affect my path and the outcomes for all concerned" I take time out. I step away for a bit to regroup. I seek the help of professionals, I just meditate, I exercise, and listen to programs which all bring clarity and calm to my world. Since I'm an original mom, and also a mother of two other children, I figure the most comon sense approach is not always the one I "want to take" but realize it is the one my gut feels is most appropriate. Say a few prayers that all will be resolved for everyone's highest good, and take care of your little girl--she is your priority. Surround yourselves with positives, do not dwell on what might happen or could happen--that's all negative. It is much harder to remember to wake up each day, thankful and grateful, and to live your life that way. To teach your daughter to have faith and confidence rather than to have fear of what's up the road. I may not have helped, but I do know both heartache and sorrow follow when one person is unable to rise up in love. Be the mother your daughter needs and the one all birthmothers dream of when they feel that relinquishing their newborn and their child is for the best and highest good of that child. Without this birthmother's act, would your family exist? We do not relinquish unless it is the only option available--the only option. We do not throw away our babies and forget them, no matter if the adoption is closed, partially open, or fully open. So, be the example and the one who will teach this little love of two mothers: she is beloved and cherished. This way your daughter will grow to become a person who loves in return, has integrity, demonstrates honesty, and radiates generosity. Most of all, you will teach your daughter to cherish all who come into your lives, and welcome their love for her. You will be loved yourself for this brave stance. Honestly, you will be loved and treasured. Best to you in this time of turmoil. Love, M.T.