Can I decline a birthmom??...

Well my advice is if it doesnt feel right, dont do it. The sooner you tell her the sooner she can plan to either parent or find another couple more suitable for her. All breakups are tough, but remember even if you both hurt for a little bit its better than being unhappy for the long term situation. Maybe even just telling her your not sure will get the two of you to open up and it might turn out that telling her your doubts will bring you both closer and ending up in a beautiful relationship.

You don't have to accept a situation you're not comfortable with. As far as your agency goes... if you've already adopted twice through them, I doubt they will look on you poorly for turning down one situation. (If you turned down twenty in a row, that all met your criteria, then they might look at you funny... but not for just one!) Actually I think it's awesome that you are grounded enough to realize this isn't the match for you. Sometimes it seems like some aparents are so longing for a child that they'll agree to anything, just for a baby. If you know this is not right, don't do it.... and don't feel bad. You're doing the ethical, honest, and brave thing. :)

I agree with the others. A match needs to be mutual. She will find other adopting parents to work with.

Ditto. We declined a connection too, our agency had zero problems with it (actually I think they were glad we didn't try to force the connection to work). If it's not right, don't do it. Far more is at stake than how your agency feels about it. Hang in there, Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Thanks for responding. When you declined your match, did you have a solid reason? We almost feel like the agency feels that if it is a match on the birthmom's side, then it is a match. I almost feel like people think that we should be so greatful for a match that we should just go with it as long as there is nothing too unacceptable. I guess I need some type of validation that I have the right to decide too, not just the birthmom. I know they are in the business to make matches, but I just can't seem to convince myself that this is the right match. Anyway, thanks for replying. I need some support before I talk to the agency.

She really liked us, we just didn't 'click' with her. Honestly, we felt like we couldn't deal with that particular young lady's crazy life intermingling with ours. There was not one thing, one red flag, more just a gut feeling. We just kept thinking 'nope, not a match'. Everyone was sure she'd place, she had placed before and was parenting one of her three children. We questioned our own sanity, truly. It just wasn't right. You ABSOLUTELY have the right to decide if this is the child you parent. This isn't a lottery, nor is a child or it's birthfamily a commodity. Any agency that 'pushes' you to connect or 'blacklists' you if you don't connect doesn't have the child's best interest at heart IMHO nor are they respectful to either birth or adoptive parents. For an adoption to be in a child's best interest, both bio and adoptive families have to be committed to it for the right reasons. Just like in a marriage both partners must be committed to making the partnership work - except that in this case it's solely for the benefit of a child. Hang in there, Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

This is so wrong and it is why many open adoptions do not work out. When I talk to everyone about the match I ask them to listen to their gut feeling. No one in a million years would tell an expectant parent to ignore the kinds of feelings that you have! It would not be acceptable. Matches need to go both ways if they are truely going to work.

"No one in a million years would tell an expectant parent to ignore the kinds of feelings that you have! It would not be acceptable. Matches need to go both ways if they are truely going to work." This is a great point, one worth rewording as diplomatically as possible and repeating to your agency. I understand totally the feeling that if we're waiting to adopt, we haven't the right to say no to a situation. We did decline a match, and even before I knew of the financial support the young woman was in need of, and before I knew more about the man involved, I knew it wasn't right. I felt a cloud over my head, and felt as though I had to say yes. We'd been waiting for more the two years with very few contacts, and certainly no match offers. So, who was I to say no?! When I did say no, DH left it up to me to decide, the cloud left me and I felt light again, no matter how uncomfortable, it was the right decision. However, even with the large financial support as a reason, and the concerns over drug selling by the father, I still felt I needed to explain myself to the agency. Saying I'd given this considerable thought, that I was by no means being flighty didn't feel valid enough. I think if you can rephrase Brenda's remarks, it puts things in a light the agency can understand. Another thing to consider are the relationships you have with your kids' birthfamilies. Do you feel this combination would adversly effect what you have built- maybe this is something the agency can get thier head around. Far be it for them to ask you to create a match that you feel won't work for everyone in your family- and that does include your children's birthfamiles.

Thank you so much!! I finally feel validated in what I have been feeling. All of you put it much more eloquently though! I really want a birthmom that will be a part of my family and be someone I want to have around for the rest of my life. This girl, while very sad, is not the one. I feel sorry for her and the mess she has made of her life, but that is no reason to parent her child. I have always been a fixer, but I can't fix her. My husband and I are reallly committed to building relationships with our birthfamilies and the birthfather is not even known, which really scares us. He could be on of three one night stands. She also needs considerable rent money, because she was thrown out of her parents home for getting pregnant again. Her parents have custody of her other two children, but don't want anything to do with this one. So, I feel a weight has been lifted that there are others out there that can understand the adoptive family side of things. I know how wonderful it can be, I have two awesome birthfamilies and I don't want anything less for my third child. My husband and I are willing to wait for the right situation for our family. Okay, everyone pray for me because I am going to call the counselor today. I am really nervous, but I have to do it. I will post and let everyone know how it goes. Thanks again!

I am a natural first mother who will tell you if you don't like the feelings you are expiriencing then don't follow through with it because if you make all sort of promies ect... and then can't follow through for whatever reason she hurts even more because she trusted you. Best if you aren't comfortable now to say so and let her match with a family that wil be comfortable. After all you have two loving boys already, and doing something that doesn't feel right for the right reasons doesn't mean it's good.

Good luck with calling today. I know turning this down is hard, and I trust that the right situation will come along!

I made the call, so I thought I would send an update. My counselor was very understanding and said that knowing my husband and me she understands our reasoning. She said that she will probably have to explain our reasoning to other staff that might not understand, but that she was willing to do that. So, if anyone else in the agency has a problem with our decision I told her we would be happy to speak to them about it. We also talked about being willing to wait for the right situation for us, and both my husband and I are more than willing to do that. I am feeling so relieved and less stressed now that I have gotten it off of my chest. It was one of the hardest things to do. But we had to remain true to our gut feelings and what is best for our family. I want to thank everyone for their support and I will keep you posted on any future developments. We know our baby is out their somewhere! Thanks again!

Well since birthmothers can decline adoptive couples and say no to them I would bet that adoptive couples can decline birthmoms.

Hi, I am a new birthmom who had my orginal match fall through. After 3 months of long distance call and me traveling to them half way across the country (on my dime as has to be in Canada) and developing a relationship then it fell through. It was very tough for both sides. It was me that first voiced that it wasn't going to work (this was a month after we met in person and I spent 6 days at their home. But they agreed with me. I later found out that they didn't like me from the get go but they wanted the baby so they ignored those orginally feelings. However some of those things came through to me. She made comments that just about made me fall out of my chair a few times. They weren't being honest with me and I didn't know that but I sometimes got comments from her that through me. If this match had continued I have no doubt that both sides would have been unhappy in the end. I am now so thankful that I found another couple although at the time I was devestated. I also went with a couple that is an hours drive way instead of half way across the country. Go with your gut! It isn't fair to you or potential bmom or baby if you don't. I did consider parenting when the match fell through but that was only for a few minutes and then after grieving the broken match for a week I went back to searching for the right parents for my baby and I love them so much! My baby has the best parents! My orginal match adopted a baby boy when my birthson was 2 months old. He is 6 months old now. Shelley

Thanks so much for sharing your story Shelley. You sound like an amazing young woman. We are hopeful to be matched again and that it will be the right one.