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I wasn't sure where to post my thoughts but this forum is closest to what I'm going through. You see I was adopted at birth and raised in a good loving home with wonderful adoptive parents. In fact it's weird to call them adoptive because to me they are simply my parents. As long as I can remember I've known I was adopted and it honestly hasn't been a huge struggle for me or anything. Yes I felt uncomfortable at times not "looking" like my family or going to the doctor and not being able to answer questions about my medical background. Besides a few issues like that I've never felt this overwhelming desire to know my family. I would love to know my genetic background and any medical problems and out of curiosity I would love to see pictures of my birth family to see where I get my looks from. I've thought about it for a long time and I just don't have the desire at this point in my life to pursue finding my birth family and knowing them. I know that may change someday but I'm ok with that for now. What I never even realized is how hard it might be to be on the other side adoption, being the birthparent.
What I've really struggled with but at the same time I'm learning to deal with is that I have a daughter that I do not know. When I was 19 my 18 year old girlfriend and I decided we weren't afraid of having a kid and purposely had unprotected sex. I know it sounds crazy now but at the time it made perfect sense. Needless to say it wasn't long and she was pregnant. We were living together and had a very unhealthy, very unhappy relationship. I was a very immature, insecure and jealous kid and she left me when she was just a couple of months pregnant. I was devastated and it took me months to kind of move on in my life. After I found out that she had our daughter I contacted a lawyer about getting visitation rights. I apparently had made such a bad impression on my exgirlfriend's family that they told the lawyer that they would do whatever they had to prevent me from having legal access to my daughter. I know I was a stupid kid but I wasn't dangerous or anything and I've never totally understood their stance but what could I do. I was 19 and borrowed $500 from my parents to initially hire the lawyer but I certainly could not afford to pursue the issue further. And honestly, I don't think I was mature enough to take on the issue. I struggled with my life for several years (not just because of this) and would send birthday and Christmas gifts to my daughter but never heard anything back. As I started to mature and my daughter got older I decided a point had come where it was best for my daughter to just stay out of her life. Obviously the only way I was going to be part of her life was if I forced myself into it and I didn't want to hurt anyone, especially my daughter. I pictured my life as a child and how hard it would have been for me if my birthparents would have forced their way into my life. From the time my daughter was 3 or 4 years old I no longer attempted any sort of contact. I've written many letters over the years but could never bring myself to mail them and disrupt my daughter's life or her family's lives.
A couple of weeks ago I answered my front door and was served some legal papers. My exgirlfriend and her husband wanted to legally adopt my daughter. I was caught off guard. I knew I needed to deal with this issue but could never quite do it. Finally I had no choice. I thought about everything and I think I ended up doing the right thing. First, I did not contest the adoption. Second I wrote a very freeing letter to my ex letting her know I was sorry for any problems I'd ever caused and more importantly I let her know that I love my daughter very much and that if she is ever interested I would love to get to know her. I understand that I am only her birthfather and that I am not her daddy. I would love nothing more than to know my daughter and be a part of her life and maybe someday that day will come. The hardest part now is letting go. I think I always kept this idea in the back of my head that I would be her dad someday but now it's obvious she already has a dad. I never even realized how much I loved my daughter and how much I wanted to know her until all of this started a couple of weeks ago. I guess I just needed to put my story on paper and let go a little. These forums have been very helpful and it's helped me deal with being a birthfather and letting go. It's strange but as much as it hurts to finally let go of my daughter, I finally feel like I am dealing with having a daughter and with every tear I feel a little less pain. Thank you.
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The percentage of sons that want to meet their biological parents is low.....whereas a daughters percentage is higher. Why that is I dont know. Hopefully you will meet your daughter and explain to her your side of the story. When you say that you dont want to cause trouble, you are not.......but you have a right to know and visit your daughter through out her life. Dont take a backseat to this matter. You are her father. She is your flesh and blood.......Dont ever forget that!
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Wow, I can't believe my original post was almost 4 years ago. Well, here's where I am at now...
I have dealt with things quite a bit and come to realize that knowing who I am and what my biological history is, is more important that I was letting myself believe. I have stayed out of my daughter's life and still hope she wants to contact me someday. I have put myself on facebook and classmates with the hope that she will find my info when she wants to. I may contact her someday but not until she is an adult. Just a few weeks ago I found some pictures of her online! These are the first pictures of her I have seen since she was an infant. I see her mom and I both in her. She is adorable and looks happy. That's all that really matters.
As far as me being adopted. A couple of years ago I started an adoption support group here in Las Vegas. I did it for a year but it never really took off. I may do it again someday. I have come to realize that I will regret it someday if I don't try to make some sort of contact with my biological family. At the least, I really want my medical history for myself and my two daughters (Since my last post, my wife and I have a beautiful daughter who will be two in a few days). Who knows, maybe more will come of it. So just in the past couple of weeks I finally registered with the ISRR. I also sent a letter to a lady that my mom used to work with that acted as a go-between for my adoption. Hopefully she can offer me some info on my biological family.
There is nothing more important to me than my family and I am grateful that I realize that.
We'll see if anything comes of my registering with the ISRR or my letter to the intermediary. I will post updates.
Dear Bothsides,I hope that something comes of your registering. I assume that you've checked to make sure your bmom has not registered here. I downloaded the ISRR forms a couple times but never sent them in. I found my birthson because he had registered here about 5 years previously but never checked back. His info was out of date but I had a name. My goal as a birthmom was always to try to make sure he could contact me if he wanted to do so. At least it's possible your bdaughter may know you tried to see her. Enjoy your two year old!
Well, I found out today that I have no matches with the ISRR. I am hoping my letter to the only person I know how to contact will result in a response. I have checked and am registered with the registry here. I still can register with the Iowa registry, although I've heard very few matches are made with the state registries. I'll keep trying. Thanks for the support.
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bothsides
Have you considered writing a letter to your daughter and leaving it with the attorney who handled the adoption so when she turns 18, the letter will be forwarded to her and she will know how to contact you if she wishes to know who her natural father is?
To me, this would be a whole lot less scary than contacting your daughter directly. She would also know you thought of her in the early years.
Just a thought!!
Ann
ps...re your own birthparents...have you tried to find a search-angel who would assist you to find your family? That to me seems more pro-active than waiting for a match through the Registry.