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Just a bad day I have no one to talk to because I dont know anyone who has been through what I have. The father of the baby I gave up has been talking to me lately.( as a friend) He treated me so bad why dont I hate him. after I gave my son up I got pregnant again ( WAS ON THE PILL) by the same guy I could not go through the pain of adoption again. So I gave birth to another son no regrets. Charlie turned his back on me so I sued him for child support . His Mom stepped up and formed a relationship with him. Eventually so did charlie. Now hes a great father did I make a mistake and cheat our first son out of a life with us? why was not stronger the first time. How do you choose one son over the other. I am now married to a great guy he knows the whole situation but I cant explain my pain to anyone. Now charlie is trying to make things some what right I hate him or do I love him I dont want to screw up my life anymore. He is the father of my little lost boy. or is it because he is the father of my other son. He wont ever talk about Brian I need to He needs to tell me why he wasnt there for me . why is a good father now . my head is so full of questions guilt pain regret love fear........................................... I need to just to get it out
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Ree,
Its a hard position to be in, many of us have been there.
All you can do is know that you made the choice to place your child for adoption for reasons that were present at the time.
Unfortunately, children donҒt wait for their parents to become ready to be parents, as that seems to be what your upset over. There is no guarantee that bio-dad would have stepped up to the plate with the first one, you based your decision to place on that possibility, and thats all you can do.
Hindsight, in most cases, is twenty-twenty. The circumstances for why we all placed always change҅many say that adoption is a long-term solution to a short-term problem, and in some ways, their right. But again, children shouldnt have to wait for their parents to be ready to be parents҅you did what you had to do at the timeand looking back if you knew then what you knew now, you might not have made the same decision. We all struggle with that.
ItŒs easy to hate the man that made you make the decision, but just like youve changed, he may have also.
All you can do is put yourself at peace with the decision you made for your son when you placed him. You did what was right for him in that moment in time҅its all you can do.
Dwelling on what might have been will only increase your heartache and sadness. Celebrate the fact that Charlie will have a chance to have a relationship with his father. If you have an open adoption with your first sons parents, maybe try to cultivate the idea of b-dad initiating contact with them, so your first son can enjoy that relationship too.
DonҒt beat yourself up over what might have been, because you cant change it now. Be strong for Charlie and the possible relationship he might have with his father.
If b-dad isnҒt ready to talk about the child you placed, then give him time. Some guys just arent good at talking about stuff like that. Maybe he feels guilty. Maybe he is dealing with the same kind of pain you are, or maybe he just wants to bury it.
Even if he answers the questions that you have now about why he wasnҒt there for you, will it matter? Will it change things?
Start fresh, make a healthy relationship for all of you, and in the end, everything will turn out how it supposed to.
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