Advertisements
This is all very new to me. Considering adoption has opened up a world that is so emotionally fraught, just reading a few of the posts here has me feeling so nervous. My husband and I already have three sons of our own, and would dearly love a daughter. I KNOW how that sounds, but being parents, you all must know how much we love our children. It's just that I always knew I wanted a daughter; pigtails, dresses, boyfriends. I always wanted a daughter to share the love and guidance my own mother gave me. I can pass these things on to my boys, I know, but thinking way into the future, their lives will depend so much on the woman they choose to share their life with, and her mother. Am I making sense? I am so afraid of making someone angry with this post, but considering adoption has made me aware of how I need to work through these issues, and I really hope someone will understand what I am trying to convey. I am capable of having more children of our own (which makes me feel selfish for considering this), but if someone has a daughter they want to give to a wonderful home to have a secure future, why shouldn't she come to a family who will cherish her they way we need to. Our local CYF Adoption worker made the point that many birthparents feel that if a couple were to have their own child they would have no choice about sex. I agree, but I hope that someone would see our point of view, and understand why we feel the way we do. I can't deny that I would love to know what our own daughter would look like, but I just don't think I'm up to a couple more pregnancies hoping!! Please believe me, I know how politically in-correct this conversation is.
I would also like to discuss with an adoptive parent, who has their own natural children as well, how their family unit responded to welcoming an adopted child, as well as extended family and friends.
Speaking of family, I will have to leave this for now, as master 2 1/2 is running riot with no pants on.
Like
Share
Hi!
I just posted on one of your other posts asking all about your adoption without reading this post. I think that it is perfectly reasonable to want a little girl. It is not as if you are saying you hate boys or anything like that so I don't see how it is politically incorrect at all. Are you looking to go international or stay in Australia for the adoption??
Advertisements
Hi,
I have birth children and am adopting an older child. I'm also adopted. I was delighted when our third birth child was a girl, after 2 boys, so I can understand how special it is to have a daughter.
I can tell from you're post you are worried about the reaction you will get.
I think when you adopt it is very different to having a birth child.If it is an older child the bonding can be difficult, and I think genetics plays a very large part in personality.Although I lived all my life with my adoptive parents,I would say that my personality is more like that of my birth parents.
I think every child needs to feel accepted and loved for who they are- adopted children even more than most,as they already feel rejected in many cases.
i think going in to adoption you have to realise that in some cases a close bond does not develop. You could feel on a totally different wavelength to an adopted daughter. She may reject the love and guidance you want to give her.
I know i'm painting a black picture here, but for me it has worked best by seeing adoption as a way to give something to a child,and there has been a period of time when I have received nothing back.
I know of some adoptive parents who feel they love and love and love, yet never get the same amount of love back.
I don't want to discourage you, but adoption can be tough. The bonding between an adopted child and birth children can also be difficult.
On a positive note, 18 months down the line things are getting easier for us,and I think there is a bond that is developing well despite the struggles.
Good luck,
Jude
We have four and are adopting a fifth. I think it's wonderful and has opened up a whole new world for us. I can't have any more biological children and this is my second marriage. My dh doesn't have any kids of his own but is a spectacular stepdaddy to our four (their bio dad is pretty much out of the picture). My kids are thrilled with the idea of a new baby.
Many agencies won't allow you to select a gender and sometimes doing so greatly limits the possibilities. China is a good option though - almost all girls and some excellent programs out there. Best of Luck:)
Martha
I am in shock and so excited that someone has finally posted on this forum!!
Since my first post I have accepted that if anyone has a problem with our hopes, it is their problem, not mine.
I have told many of the people we attended ed and prep with, and was surprised yesterday to find that most of them have one or two children also. Not many of the couples had no children.
Jude, I'm aware adoption can be tough. It is so important to always be aware of the negatives, but being a proactive and positive person, I also like to investigate the ways of reducing the negatives.
I also had a thought this morning:
In NZ we only have adoptions of under 2's, mainly under 18months and mostly newborn babies. Can we theorise that in today's climate of open adoption and open communication, these children may not experience the deep, wrenching grief and emptiness that many older adoptees and many of those involved in closed adoptions, have felt.
This is not to assume that none of them will feel a loss, after all we are all individual and unique.
What do you think!
Kat
PS I'M SO EXCITED TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO!!
Hi Katrinad,
This is a slight aside, but I was so shocked to hear that in NZ children are only adopted under the age of 2.Our daughter was much older when she came to us and definately wanted to be adopted rather than stay in foster care. What happens to the older children? To not have the chance to be adopted,(if the child wants that) seems punitive to me.
How does it work if birth parents are taking time to get there lives on track, but the child passes the age of 2 and they have not succeeded.
You might be right that open adoptions are easier for adoptees to handle than closed adoptions.I grew up fine with my adoption as a child, but in later life the grief all surfaced.
Glad you're getting responses-I hadn't realised how long ago you had posted.
Advertisements
Hi Jude,
Apparently the over 2's go into fostercare, seemingly forever and a day, unless other family take over.
I had the most amazing and awful conversation with a friend who fosters this evening. She couldn't remember exactly, but it was 26 or 46 newborns needing to be placed at birth in my region alone, urgently, into fostercare!!
I am in shock.
Kat
Hi again (I'm still in shock that people wrote back!!!)
I don't know quite how it works with the kids over two, but i saw some statistics the other day about adoption in Australia, and in the whole of Western Australia, there had been 3 domestic adoptions last year and 44 international. I know that there aren't tonnes of people in WA but still, that is an awful lot of kids in fostercare/parents without children/children without families no matter how you look at it.
There weren't stats about how many kids in fostercare in WA but if only 3 a year manage to find permanant homes then that is too sad. I live in a town with 8000 people (in country NSW) and i know of about 4 people IN MY TOWN who have had children taken at birth and about 10 others that have had children taken into fostercare permanantly. I just can't see why our goverment doesn't think those kids deserve a chance of a real family.