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Due to the fact that it looks as though I may finally be starting actual therapy, I thought I should pre-emptively explore where all of this anger that I possess stems from... which is no easy task. The first lady that I talked to in this search for therapy (before my insurance changed... grrr) was the one to note that I had anger to deal with... heh. I've always had anger. So, I fear this may be a long, tedious, and very involved process. And once again, that's just the anger issues. Let's not forget grief, loss, depression, etc.
Okay, on we go:
My anger stems from or is possibly stemming from:
1. The whole birthfather experience. Being manipulated at time of emotional weakness into "bed." Being scheduled for an appointment for an abortion. Having my parents lied to regarding why I left him. No support what-so-ever. Harassing phone calls. You name it.
2. My Mother saying the words, "You know I'll be fired," regarding how her boss would react to my birthing an interracial baby.
3. My Mother saying the words, "I would rather you have aborted the baby than place it with this family." I really thought I was going to die that night. Though I will try, I doubt I can ever forgive her for that statement. I am usually quite forgiving... but that cut me. To the core.
4. The doctors. Oh! The doctors. I was not an uneducated idiot. I understood more than they thought I should and this worried them. I was given subpar treatment and when I confronted them about it on various occassions, I was only pushed further to the "back of the line." Silencing me does no good. I just get more stubborn. Anyway, their lack of attention and care to my pregnancy complications created a severely overwhelming physical AND emotional state for an all ready overwhelmed pregnant woman.
5. The hospital experience. I have never been made to feel more worthless in my life. I was never treated as a Mother, which I was, during the entirety of my stay. Yes, the adoptive family was with me. Yes, they were chosen. But I had not signed a thing. That beautiful baby girl was mine... but no one cared. No one ever cared. And that nurse! Yelling at me that the father wasn't coming in to sign paternity papers when SHE didn't read the file on our case: it was an adoption. The lack of consideration I was given was such bull****.
6. More Mother anger, apparently. She suggested adoption from the get-go, criticized everything I tried to do when I was still attempting to make a way to raise my child, insulted me and the race of my beautiful baby, and then made my life a living hell once I decided on adoption. I thought this was my choice? Or was it?
7. PS - Don't ever scream at a pregnant woman. I don't care how angry you are. Making her burst into hysterics is neither good for her or the baby.
8. The world in general for being closed-minded about everything from single parenting to interracial children. We claim to be so far advanced from "back in the day." We are not. And it is disgusting.
9. My stretch marks.
10. The way birthmothers are treated. More specifically, how I have been treated as a birthmother. I am not a dysfunctional person. I am actually quite functional. I am also not completely selfless. I get angry AND selfish at times and have a right to do so. Just because I chose one selfless act in my life by giving my child a stable life, does not mean you have the right to walk all over me for the rest of my God-given life. Treat me with some respect. I am and always will be a mother. Stop treating me like crap. I never was and never will be some whore on the street. Stop treating me as such. I am not an abandoner. I am not heartless. I miss my child with every ounce of my being. I hate the fact that I couldn't give her what she needed. STOP treating me as though I am so DIFFERENT from you. I am a NORMAL human being who went through an extreme hardship. Get OFF my case.
11. Birthparent marketing. How disgusting is that?
12. The agency that treated me like a womb. A womb. They lied. About countless things. They gave me false information about everything from what could be paid for to the fact that they "forgot" to tell me that open adoptions weren't enforceable in my state. THEN they claimed that they didn't KNOW that. Right. Whatever. Then, post-placement, when I asked for support, they told everything I said to the adoptive family. Confidentiality apparently meant nothing when I didn't pay for their new car. Yes, lots of anger here.
13. The lawyer. Oh, the lawyer! She got the whole discharge from the hospital thing wrong causing a horrible day for all as well as a horrible memory forever burned into my mind and heart. Then, after I signed 72 hours post-birth, I had to sign again two months later because she needed TWO witnesses and somehow didn't know that the first time around. Nothing like resigning your ****ed rights away. Nothing like breaking my heart. Again.
14. Racists in general. I am so sick of the comments but I can't bust out and say anything because I would then have to explain my story to a bunch of people who have all ready shown that they are closed-minded people. So I sit silently and seethe. This does nothing to help my anger issues.
In short, I am angry. I am thankful that our situation and adoption works so well but I am so sick of being overlooked, spat on, and treated like dirt. It needs to end. I just don't know how to MAKE it end.
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Not all guys are so awful. :)
And remember, what your doctor thinks doesn't matter. There's no greater mistake than not speaking your mind if he does insult you. You carried a child for nine months; you knew you couldn't give her everything you wanted and you did what you had to do. Don't allow him to throw around the "M" (morals) word. It's silly and makes him look foolish.
Mike
Afather to four
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Jenna,
I have to respectfully disagree with the previous poster that all anger stems from fear. I think it can stem from a lot of things including injury, indignation at the lack of "justice", etc. I think you have a right to be angry for a lot of reasons. But remember, anger is energy. Energy that can be directed to construct rather than destruct. Use this energy wisely and you just might end up changing something.
Half my work is based on the anger I have towards some of the injustices in the adoption system. I use the energy that anger gives me to educate women in crisis pregnancies, the professionals that are supposed to be serving them, and adopting parents. I use the energy that anger gives me to work towards open records, so that adopted people are not treated like second class citizens. I am currently using the energy that anger gives me to get through grad school so that I can do therapy with all those effected by adoption.
Martin Luther was angry at the Catholic Church.
Colonists were angry about taxation without representation.
Ghandi was angry at the British.
Martin Luther King was angry about racism.
Angry people have the power to change the world. I hope you find a way to harness that energy for good.
Brenda,
Thank you for disagreeing with that poster. I did as well, though I didn't voice it quite as verbally as I wanted to. I didn't know how to say what you have here. A lot of my anger does stem from how I was treated injustly. It makes my blood boil when I think about it... and to know that it can happen again and again.
Right now, the anger is not acting or reacting in any negative ways. I deal silently and move about my day. Of course, that could be what's causing a lot of my anxiety and pure exhaustion! However, I'm hoping that when I start therapy with a real therapist next week that she will help me to move in a positive direction with this energy. I will be sure to be posting (most of) this thread to take with me. I think it shows a lot of what I need to be working on (the anger) and some good ideas for moving forward. Of course, I'm angry that my last attempt at therapy was haulted by my insurance company. Okay, maybe I'm not really angry at that one: just annoyed. Though the last woman was not a real therapist, just someone associated with adoption and charging me a handful. Nice! And she wasn't really understanding of the relationship that I have with my daughter and her family. So, maybe this was for the best.
I'm nervous about next week for so many reasons. I hate giving my entire medical/mental history to someone that I am not yet comfortable with. I know during the first session, I will be on guard. I can feel it now when I'm just writing about it: my shoulders are elevated and my heart is racing. Grr. Her secretary told me, after consulting with the doc, that she did, in fact, have adoption experience. Of course, I had asked if she had birthmother experience, which the wording came back to me slightly changed. However, I took it because this doc is the only one in my area who even seems to know what adoption issues could possibly be. I'm going in with a lot of fears but an open mind that this is possibly my only option. We'll just have to see.
As for those who replied yesterday/today and told me that men doctors are great... in my experience... with men and male doctors... they do not make me comfortable. And to not be comfortable for a gynecological exam... does not pose for a comfortable feeling exam... if you're all getting my drift. Yes, I have issues with men, which thankfully, Josh is helping me to see that not all men are out to use and (literally) abuse me. Maybe this doc will be great. But really, is any gynecologist visit fun? And for a man to comment on such a subject makes me giggle. Hey LoveRiddenDad, how was your last pap? hehehe, jk.
Anyway, today I'm feeling very relaxed because my new (well, ha! old) Billy Joel CD came in: double cd with ALL of his greatest hits. So, after a trip to the gym and then picking up/depositing Josh's check, I'm going to relax on the couch and get into a New York State of Mind... whilst living in Ohio. Nice!
Again, thanks for all your responses. Even you, LoveRiddenDad, because your supportive words are calming... and on the last subject, just slightly amusing which put a smile on my face today. So thank you.
Have a great day all. :D
Don't confuse my words. I didn't say that men doctors are great, and I have alot of friends who wouldn't DREAM of going to a male OBGYN, but I did say that MY OBGYN is a male and he is fantastic. There are some great male doctors and some not-so-great male doctors just like there are some not-so-great female doctors.
It just seems to me that you are lobbying heartily to NOT be judged just because you gave your daughter up for adoption--is it really fair to judge a male doctor you haven't even met because he's a male and you had a bad experience with your last male OB? Even you have to admit that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. I don't blame you for being nervous (I was!), but don't complain about being labeled and judged when you're doing the exact same thing.
Honey I am so so very sorry for what you went through and all other birth mothers who have gone through such an ordeal. You are right, it is sh!ty that you or anyone else was/has been treated like this. I hope you go into your therapy with an open mind. I did, I was so hurt by the things that had happened to me that were not my control but when I went into therapy it was for me, me to heal, I knew I wanted to and knew I needed to. Your story was so real and your pain is true. You have every right to feel so hurt and betrayed and angry. I hope through time that you can heal. I know it will never completely go away but you can learn to feel better and take control of your situation now.
You will be in my prayers, please know that.
Good luck in your therapy. Mine has really helped. Take care
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Originally posted by MeggieC
It just seems to me that you are lobbying heartily to NOT be judged just because you gave your daughter up for adoption--is it really fair to judge a male doctor you haven't even met because he's a male and you had a bad experience with your last male OB? Even you have to admit that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. I don't blame you for being nervous (I was!), but don't complain about being labeled and judged when you're doing the exact same thing.
My first doctor- the one I had with Karma- was terrible. I was a teenager, and basically I felt that I didnt matter in the whole thing. He didnt take the time to really let me know about anything! If I had quesitons he'd say later. He didnt ever have the time to make me comfortable. And also he wasnt very "nice" about the exams even while I was in labor. So... when ending up with a male doctor for this second pregnancy and knowing how some people are treated by the medical profession when choosing to place, I was sooo nervous. I got really lucky. I knew nothing about him except that my insurance accepted him, yet he had worked with many birthmothers before! YAY! He answered any and all questions and never made me to feel uncomfortable. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your new doctor is tons better than the last.
I apologize for angering or frustrating you, but the way it sounded, you had already decided that you weren't going to like this guy just because he was a man and I viewed that as unfair. To me it sounded like this: "He's a male gyno, my last male gyno was terrible, therefore this one must be, too." Which sounds eerily like some people saying, "She's a woman who put her child up for adoption, and all birthmothers who put their children up for adoption are irresponsible and immoral, therefore, she must be, too." (I've heard it said!)
Good luck.
JENNA:I was browsing around the site and happened on this thread.
IMO: Anger hurts the person who carries it & brings down all the good folks that are around her/him.You are angry at what others have said or done to you& as long as you remain angry they are still in control of you.
Forgive but do not forget,and move on turning the anger into all positive.Your picture is beautiful and you are a very pretty young woman.Do not allow others to conrol you any more.Just my opinion!!! :)
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Cute,Considering this post was made in September of 2004, I would venture to guess that my anger techniques have handled quite a few of these problems. There are still things that will forever anger me concerning adoption (poor treatment of potential birthparents, children treated like property, etc) but for the most part, this list is no longer relevant in my life.Thankfully, some of the counseling (which was otherwise useless) did help me with some of my anger issues. I am still guarded with my Mom at times, but not angry. I have used my anger towards my doctors to make a plan to eventually educate hospitals on how open adoptions (&adoptions in general) should be handled in regards to the birthparents, the adoptive parents and handling the child. I don't know when that will get off the ground in this area, but it is something needed just as much here as where I gave birth. :)
Hello Jenna,
Good for you. Sometimes you can drown in too many opinions. I think you are there. (Another opinion, of course.)
Also on the issue of being 'unfair' to some doctor. Too bad. Very few people get 'fairness' and very few people give 'fairness' in their dealings. That's just lilfe. You don't have to be fair to some potential service provider. But you said that.
Moving on. Lynn
Jenna: I think on the whole of triad there has to be lots of change.I gave birth in the 60s and things have certainly improved since then.Now having said that,we still have a long way to go yet in order to get it right.
Searching for loved ones should be made easier no doubt.Doctors have to come down from their high horses(some of them).WE indeed all human and we all should be treated equally....Good on you Jenna!! Only my opinion. :)
Jenna,
First off I have to say how sorry I am that you went through so much. YOU DESERVED TO BE TREATED AS A PERSON and you have every right to be angry.
I wish that I could have been with you so that I could have stood up and told those around you how unacceptable their behavior was.
I wish that I could have held your hand and given you the support that you needed.
Right now I wish that I could hold you and tell you that everything is going to be alright (lucky for you you have a handsome groom to do that for you nowŅsmile, grin). :)
Non- the lessI AM SO SORRY that you had to go through such an experience. And I am sorry that there are other women who have had similar experiences.
There are so many people who will come and go in and out of our lives I know that from personal experience I am a better person because of all that you have shared with us. Your pain and wisdom have left imprints in my heart.
Therapy is a difficult journey but it will be the greatest gift that you can give yourself. Though it can be painful at times in the end you will be rewarded with a greater sense of peace and understanding of who you are.
If you ever want to scream, cry or vent I am here for you and anyone else who needs additional support.
Hugs to you Ņ.
Maria
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Maria,First off, don't say things like that to a pregnant woman. You made me all weepy. But in the good way. :) Seriously, thank you for taking the time to care, and not only to care, but letting me know that you do, in fact, care. It's the things that happened to me, in my initial post, that have made me so passionate about (eventually) making changes in adoption, however small. These expectant mothers considering adoption who deliver in a hospital deserve to be treated with respect and like any other mother. It gets me so riled up! heh.Again, thank you thank you thank you. I've been having a blah day just because of work and a few other small things and I needed a little pick-me-up. Bless you.
Hi Jenna,
I am glad you got a little pick up from my message. :)
Because of people like you and this site I am a huge advocate for Birth Mother rights.
As you have probably read a gazzillion times I have a great relationship with H (Stars Birth Mom) never in a million years would I allow anyone to disrespect her or any other birth mother for that matter, which is why I counsel and reach out to any and all Birth Moms who cross my path. I try to inform them of the pros and cons of placing and often try to help them create a list of questions to help them find the type of family that their heart desires or create questions to help them determine weather or not they truly want to place.
In short I do not try to sway them one way or the other I just try to get them to look at the picture as clear as possible so that they can make informed decisions that they can live with.
H and I have a very special relationship and every time I read posts like yours it is a great reminder of how lucky we are that we have such a wonderful relationship.
Prior to H we had a Birth mom reclaim at the hospital after signing the paperwork. She said the nurse made a snide comment about giving her baby away to a strangerӔ. Ashley was so upset her blood pressure sky rocketed and she had to be re-admitted to the hospital before she made it out the door. She was over ridden with guilt, as hard as it was we had to love and let go.
When I told H about our experience she said donӒt you worryif someone gives me their unsolicited opinion they will wish they never met me.Ŕ
Prior to Stars birth H and I went to the Director of the Nursing Department at the hospital where she gave birth and we laid the cards on the table and made it clear that we would go to the Board of Directors and the CEO if she or anyone in her department said or did anything inappropriate regarding our Adoption Plan.
Needless to say everything went smooth and the staff got a Positively Raving letter from me.
H sees Star quite often and I couldnt be happier about how things have evolved in our relationship. That being said it just chaps my hide when I hear how you and many other Birth Mothers were treated.
As Brenda said anger can be a very powerful tool, you can use it to make great things happen or it can eat you alive.
Based off of the wonderful input that you often share on these boards I can tell that YOUR ANGER is just the energy you need to help make changes so that the roads are less painful for those who will travel through them in the future.
You are in a very powerful position as a Birth Mother, Journalist and Mother 2 B :) stay focused and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
My hope for you is that your children will grow up knowing about the wonderful contributions that you have made regarding a subject so near and dear to your heart.
You donҒt need a Pulizter Peace Prize to make a difference in someones life all you need is a whole lot of passion and an undying love for the truth to me it sounds like you have those bases covered.
By the way҅it sounds like things are working out for you and your mom I am so glad that you have been able to love and let go of the painful words she said to you regarding your baby. Though the pain may creep up at times sometimes we just gotta love and let go.
As Wynonna Judd once said if itӒs not one thing its your motherҔ. :) Sometimes we have to love our moms from a distance; sometimes we have to accept them warts and all.
By the wayhas anyone told you how incredibly strong you are? You stood up to the Birthfather, endured the doctors, the hospital and gave birth to a beautiful baby you stood your ground with your mom and placed YOUR BABY into the loving arms of a wonderful family. ThatŒs a pretty heavy load but YOU DID IT!
On those days when you are feeling weak or vulnerable let me knowI will gladly carry the burden for you. I have huge shoulders, big ears and more love than anyone can ever imagineŅ
Take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Maria