open adoption closed by b-mom?!?

Shadow Riderer, Beautifully said... Thank you!

Shadow Riderer, thank you for your beautiful words...words of true wisdom and compassion.

First of all I wanted to thank so many of you for "not" speaking for me, but defending my honor just a bit :love: Open adoption wasn't designed so that I would have to tell my family. I'm not in an open adoption for my family. As I said before, I certainly didn't enter one for Me. I'm in it for my daughter. I'm afraid that I'm starting to understand that you truly don't believe that and refuse to accept it as anyone's truth. As for "owning up to" my daughters existance, shame on you for judging me and presuming to have one iota of knowledge as to where I'm coming from or why I've made the choices that led me to this place today. I own up to my daughters existance. I have a picture of her on my desk at work that I own up to every single day. She's a presence in my apartment, where my roommate and her boyfriend and I can discuss visits, thoughts, and frustrations about my adoption. My life is filled with owning up to her. I just haven't told my family. I'm not ready. As other posters have said my daughter is 16 months. I know my family better than you do, better than her Mom does, better than anyone NOT in my family. I know my Mother would want to participate in the OA to extreme levels. I know she would inundate DD's Mom with emails and questions. I know she would push to hard and to quickly and would ruin the foundation that I'm building. I've written a great deal both here and on my blog about why I haven't shared with my family yet so I'm not going to rehash that all here...I'm sorry if you can't understand that or if you simply just choose not to. At the end of the day, I have to answer to my daughter, and not to you. And for that, I am very grateful.

Okay, I had a response this written and got lost. Oh well. I am in the same ship as TGM. While I have an open adoption, my family does not know about Supergirl. Right now the OA is between Supergirl, me and her parents. Their family does not understand why I just "don't go away since I signed the papers." They have told them that it is because of who I am to Supergirl. They want me in her life to tell her her story in the only way that can be told -- from me. Lonni, Scatter and Shadow: beautiful words.

Brown, you've hit the nail on the head here. That is exactly what I believe too. My two best friends from childhood, my lifelong friends, were both adopted five months apart as newborns by the same family. Julie and Terri were with me each and every step of the way throughout my pregnancy. They were both at the hospital the day I delivered my son, and they were there the day I signed the relinquishment papers. And 18 years later, they were there for me when I reunited with him, as was their mother (who was a second mom to me). Now here were two women, adopted five months apart, both raised by the same parents and treated pretty much the same way. They had the same childhood experiences, friends, teachers, etc. When we were teenagers, Terri was the rebel. She was the "angry" one, who would fling out hurtful words like "you aren't my real mother," when she was angry with her mom. Julie was the "calm" one, who would bring her mom breakfast in bed and be the family peacemaker. A couple years after I reunited with my son, Julie asked me to help her find her birthmom. She wanted to know her own story, the story denied her by a closed system of adoption. She wanted to know the woman who had brought her into this world. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to help Julie...she died three days later unexpectedly. Terri, on the other hand, has never been interested in finding her birthparents, even though both her parents and her sister are now gone. In fact, Terri has no family at all anymore. When her mom died a few years ago, her extended family members turned their backs on her. Although Terri is happy for me that I reunited with my son, and even though she has witnessed for herself how important it was for him to know his first family, she just doesn't have any interest in her own biological origins. It's not a good thing or a bad thing...it's just the way it is. Who is to say why some people want to discover their genetic roots and meet the women who brought them into the world, while other people don't have that need or desire. I don't think it's a "right or wrong" situation. If an adoptee doesn't want to search or reunite with his or her birth family, that's fine...that's what is best for that person. On the other hand, if an adoptee has the desire to reconnect with his or her birth family, that is also fine...that's what is best for that person. As a song from the '60s said, "different strokes for different folks".

Raven, Terri and Julie sound a little bit like me and my brother. I was the overachiever and the one that should have never wanted to search. He is the unhappy, angry addict who should want to know, right? I'm the one that searched, he knows bits of his story and doesn't care to know the rest, or at least that is what he projects. Wow, two examples in a row of how adopted people can be so different, lol.

Shadow Rider, I'm actually in mylate forties, and yes I had a good adoption, thank god. I have met with different emotions meeting my bbrother and family, treaded carefully and it has turned out fine. It's dreadfull that anyone should treat an adoptee as not part of their family as you describe, totally not acceptable. Tgm, Of course you should not be answerable to anyone, I still fail to understand how having an oa but leaving your family out is ok, one day your child may want to know family etc and then its another secret to be addressed, but years later when it may be more difficult. Brown Eyes, You seem to be carrying a burden brave of you to write it all down, but the longer it goes on the more difficult it will become, and then again it becomes a bigger issue to deal with. I hope you can deal with it even if it is very hard for you as it sounds like you may feel some form of relief. I can't keep up with all the mails, as i seem to have hit a nerve on the open adoption issue, trying not to offend anyone as it is a discussion, Renda

Belle, that's really interesting about you and your brother. It does sound just like Julie and Terri. I was really surprised when it was Julie that wanted to reunite with her birthmom. I had always expected Terri to be the one to search. You know, a lot of the books I've read about adoption talk about adopted siblings being like you and your brother...the "compliant" one who is an overachiever versus the "angry" one who often gets into trouble. I wonder why the dynamic exists. Any ideas on that??

Browneyes--Your story is touching. Thank you for sharing it. When people share their stories we can all learn so much. Thanks.

Aw thanks *blushes* Scatterbrain, your posts are so touching they make me all teary eyed! I'm glad I touched you back :love:

Raven, Yes of course different people want different outcomes, others want to find family and some people never search at all. If the closed adoptions had information on hand for the adopee when they were ready then that would make it alot easier for them, and if they wanted to trace someone it could be done quicker, as in my case it took three years because social services could not release some information. In the UK it is very different and only social services deal with adoption, there are no agencies involved. It is all dealt with very differently over here. Renda

This is true. It is also true that fully open adoption is very rare. UK professionals are very resistant to it. I wonder why? Is it cultural? Political? Social?

Bromanchik, I think it is more of cultural, thing, you see our culture is very different to the US here are whole outlook on life seems to be different. It's a whole new subject, it's interesting. It's a smaller country and so with only one social services looking after it all it may be easier than in the US. It would be interesting to look into it further and understand the differences between the countries regarding adoption, but yes culture plays the main part. It is understood here that when the 'rights' have been signed away then the mother has no further involvement, other than keeping and up to date address with social services for when the child is older. The law has recently changed here, mainly to help adoptees get in contact with b family as adults, both parties can leave their contact details with social services and so the adopted child can find the birth mother easily, but not directly. It has to been done through the social services. It makes it so much easier though for birth parents, but they must wait for the adoptee to respond. There has never been sealed papers over here, everyone has the right to apply for their original birth cert.

Renda, I think I owe you an apology. I think I confused some of your post with others and jumped to conclusions about your adoption experience. That's no excuse. I had no right to assume things in your case. I apologize for doing so. I am really very happy that things have worked out for you like they have. Thank you for your comment on my situation. You are right. No child should have to hear the things I and my bro heard as children. AS the saying goes, what doesn't killus, only makes us stronger. This may be a horrible thing to say, but considering the disfunction of and small-mindedness of people in my adoptive family, my brother and I as we grew older would joke, probably as a way to cope, "Thank God were aren't really realted to them crazy people.", to which my Amom would scold us half heartedly. She understood. We had a great Amom, whom I wouldn't trade for anyone in the world. Overall, I don't see my adoption experience as bad. It just was what it was. The talk about things being different in the UK makes me wonder, and since we are close to the same age, do you think things were looked at differently in the UK back in the 60s? I guess what I'm asking is were people in the UK as judgemental as folks in the US back then? Wow, we come from totally different cultures totally different adoption experiences, and different reunion experiences. No wonder our perspectives ar different? Again, I should have asked more questions before jumping to conclusions, and I again apologize.

Shadow, No probs, I didn't take offence and no apology is needed, thanks anyway though. It is a culture difference and it's interesting to hear different points of view etc. As for people being less judgmental in the 60's in the Uk I'm not sure, I think in that era a lot more people were judgmental, it went with the times, in either country. I will have to try and think howthings are different here to the US, it's hard to put things into words. Thanks, Renda