I hurt, without an identity.

Disconnected, OK, I had to read your profile to understand your connection... sorry, call me dense! But now I see that you are engaged to a bmom. And I take it she was pregnant with another man's child while she was seeing you, correct? This situation is similar to my hubby's. Matt and I started dating when I was one month pregnant. He pretty much declined to say much about what I should do.. he knew I was considering adoption, but that I wasn't sure. I did end up placing the baby. Matt and I are now married. I have an open adoption with Marie (my bdaughter) and her parents. Is this similar? You sound like you feel a lot of guilt. Did you pressure your fiancee to place? If you didn't, you really have nothing to feel guilty about. If you did... well, I'll be honest, as a bmom, that possibility makes me hurt.... but still, holding onto your guilt is not going to help anything. If you did, have you apologized to her? My hubby feels disconnected too, sometimes. It's hard for him to go on visits to see Marie with me..... I think you (partners and spouses of bparents) are an over-looked group. Adoption has impacted you greatly, too, yet you're not technically triad members, so no one reaches out to you. I'm so sorry. All I can say is, that's not right. I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are other men like you. I'm glad you posted and hope you will continue to do so. (hugs), Nicole

I do not think I pressured her...I gave my honest opinion when asked how I felt. We surfed for adoptive couples together, and met every couple...together. we talked about how right this decision was over and over....She has even given you advice 79nic. We were together only as a couple for around 4 years when she became pregnant.

79Nic, ... are you me... just a couple years different? Too amusing to me for words. We should talk sometime, seeing as you are apparently my birthmother-soul-sister of some sort. Anyway, Disconnected, I have to ask you: Without minimizing her pain in any way, have you told her how you feel? By that I mean you cannot say, "But I heart, too. Acknowledge it!" She will see that as you telling her that your pain is more severe than hers. This is not what you are looking to do. Yet you need to tell her. Tell her that your heart breaks as to how this has affected everyone so severely. Do you have feelings for this child at all? Do you miss this child? Letting her know that you are grieving the loss of this child as well will help to put you on the same page. You need to talk to her. I understand from your previous posts that you are having issues with her at this time, seeing as how she has taken the birthfather's side in the matter. If you don't talk to her soon, the rift between the two of you will become too great. Communication is key in making any relationship work. It's hard but necessary; no two ways around it. I hope things move in a better direction for you sooner than later.

Disconnected, Well, now you've got me wondering who you're fiancee is! But you do not need to say. :) It doesn't sound like you pressured her to me, either. I'm sorry you're hurting. Wish I knew how to help.... (Hugs). Schmenna, So we have similar stories! How crazy! We should definitely talk sometime. :) Nicole

I guess I'm just not seeing why your feeling the way you are if you didn't put any pressure on her, and why would the bmom, bdad, and your father say these things. I am also wondering why you would state to 79nic that she has also given her advice. I'm not trying to offend or cause any further pain at all, I want you to know that, I just don't understand what this is all about.

Although I do not feel I pressured her, It was a decision we discussed as a couple...we talked extensively about the impact on our lives...as well as the impact on our current children. It has been spoken lately that I was the first to surf for potential aparents...and that made it seem like i was pushing adoption. I research anything and everything I do in life...I knew nothing about adoption and wanted to know what was out there. I made the statement to 79nic...maybe hastily. My fiancee has been fairly prominent on this site in the past, but I do not wish her name to be drug through the mud. I want honest reactions and thoughts to stimulate or possibly make me look in a new light or direction about the situation I'm facing. I want to understand where I stand in all this, and possibly gain insight from people have have experienced similar life changes. There are retreats galore for aparents, bmoms, bdads...but none for the other 45% of the "mistaken pregnany" situations.

Disconnected, I understand why you're feeling as you do. Though I made the initial adoption decision alone, Josh was involved in almost every other aspect of the adoption. He met the adoptive parents with me. He sat with me in the hospital during two surgeries and other complications. He was just always involved. So I can see why you are feeling as you do. Have you talked to her about this as I suggested? Or are you at an impass at this point where none of the options seem fitting to the situation? Have you considered outside therapy? Sending prayers. Edit: While my pregnancy was defintiely unplanned, it was never referred to as a mistake.

We do not have much time to talk lately...she's working insane hours, and even if we could get into therapy...unless they could see us before 3am or after 10pm she wouldn't be available. We came to the conclusion that our "discussions" were not productive and that an outside counselor would be the only way to gain positive ground...I hope her schedule and our financial situation will allow this before we self destruct. I do not think any child is a mistake, but the circumstance that lead to her having the child was. I split with my first wife because she refused to have children...after we had planned on children for the first 4 years of our marriage. Children are very important in my life.

Tonight is a good instance...I recived a call at 4:30 saying she was going out with her girlfriend and would hit the road home after the traffic clears out...usually around 6pm. It's 9:30 I finally get through on her cell phone....she's out to dinner with the bdad again. I sit here worried that I do not hear from her for 5 hours...I ask her when she might be home...she says "I don't know". Rage would be an understatement. She constantly chooses time with this gentleman over her current children, they have seen her a total of 3 hours in a week. She has now spent more than that with the bfather.

Disconnected wrote..I feel the pain everyday of being a large part of the decision to place a child. I hurt because I am aware that the decision was made partially out of anger and selfishness. I personally think that giving a baby up for adoption is a big deal.. We don't know that at the time of relinquishment (IMO) but it (all of it) ends up difficult to deal with.. I got angry with my parents.. I stopped speaking to my sister.. (she got to keep her son :() Its almost like a reverberation of emotions.. A bouncing off of all the people involved.. (I hope that makes sense) It took me many years to deal with all the.. "did I make a decision or did I not make a decision." What I learned (in those years) was that I can not go back and change a darn thing.. I need to sort my stuff so I can get on with my life.. I used to obsess on my bson.. I was guilty I was angry I was silent.. I consider you a birthparent.. In many ways you relinquished a child.. My suggestion would be to stand back and look at the situation from an unemotional view. Jackie

Disconnected, I hope I don't offend you with this... am just going to come out with a very blunt question, ok? Do you allow your fiancee to talk openly about her bchild and the relinquishment? I'm just wondering why she spends time with the bdad more than with you. Could it be she feels more able to talk with him about the adoption?? I love Matt with all my heart, but he's not always the first person I talk to the adoption about. It worries me to say anything about the bdad (gets a hurt look on his face, even though he KNOWS I don't care a bit about the bdad). It's hard to talk about Marie's aparents, b/c he feels he has little in common with them. It's getting better, but.... for the first two years, my mom was my soft place to fall when it came to the adoption. She was willing to talk about it, and she'd been through the loss, too--the loss of her first grandchild. As for her going out and not calling.. I'm guilty of that, too. ESPECIALLY during my pregnancy and immediately after the adoption. There was just this part of me that wanted to GET AWAY, without anyone knowing where I was. I know that's selfish, when you live with someone who loves you and worries about you being in a car crash, etc., but the thought of people keeping tabs on me just drove me crazy. How long ago was the adoption?

So you were with her for 4 years when she got pregnant? Is that what you said? So this baby is from another man during your relationship with her? And who is the father of these "other kids" you said she's not spending time with. Be aware that bmom's often have relationship and intimacy trouble with their other children because of their guilt and fear. The stuff about her being out with Bdad is a whole other issue than you started out with no matter what the answer is to my question above. If she's going through all of the normal feelings of being a bmom then she might be taking out her regrets on you. Most people don't know how it will really affect them emotionally until it happens and she MIGHT blame you for helping her make the decision no matter if it was right or wrong. This other guy (bdad) is going through that sort of stuff she's going through quite possibly and you MIGHT just be a skapegoat. Your dad on the other hand sounds like the old fashioned "adoption and baby's out of wedlock are shameful business" kind of crud. No matter how irrational that is to the modern man it's just how it is for him quite possibly. So to sum it up... you listed off all of these issues... 1. People blame you (bmom, bdad, your dad) 2. Sounds like you blame yourself 3. You're depressed about the whole situation 4. She's out with him 5. She's ignoring you and the kids I hate to say it but there are TONS of things that need to be worked out. I know you guys' feelings are important but what about these other children you guys are raising?! If she wants to work things out with you and her new family maybe she should start going to a support group and you guys go together to a couples therapist. Bdad needs to go to his own support group and stick to more appropriate visits that respect your relationship. She may feel like she's lost a lot but she'll feel much worse if she continues down a destructive pathway in search for answers about her path.