In need of birthmom opinions...

First of all , I would like to say that your question did not offend me. I understand your desire to have a drug free child. But the child needs a home. And he or she is not in control of what the bmom does during her pregnancy. I'm sure somewhere down the line you would find a birthmother that will submit to the test, but you might have to wait a very long time for that. I'm a bmom that has just reunited with my 2 children and we are dealing with the subject of a dna test for my son. His father does not need it but his wife thinks she does, its a potentially explosive situation, not unlike your hair test. Good luck finding your beautiful baby. Best wishes. And always remember, be kind to your birthmom because of her pain you will find great joy.

I have to say, no I wouldnt have done it either, and I probably wouldnt have made the match either. I will admit that yes, in high school I smoked "pot" a couple times. Just was curious, and I never moved on to anything else as some of my friends at that time did. But I grew up. That stage in my life lasted about 3 or 4 months. It just isnt who I am. Had the aparents asked about my history of usage... I would have been completely honest. There was no risk though of anything like that with me. I dont even drink. Its been about a year and a half since I even last had a beer. I've drank less times than I can count on my fingers. I would have been offended by being asked to take a test, but I would not have been offended had they just asked and were able to have faith that I would not lie to them. I think that faith you have in a bmom is sooo much more important than 50 strands of hair.

Would you be willing to do the same for the birthmother? Think about it.

As a matter of fact, we would be happy to do so and would be pleased if a birthmother would ask us to. This would let us know that she takes this matter seriously and that she does not want to place her baby with parents that are drug users.

Trust and mutual respect are the foundation of a healthy (adoption) relationship. I would have a hard time trusting people who could not trust me. The inability to trust often stems from the inability to be trustworthy, and that is why I would not submit to a drug test or place with anyone who asked it of me. I guess my wife (son's birth mother) and I are "stereotypical" birth parents in some ways. We have a long and colorful history of drug and alcohol use. We were completely candid with our son's parents about that history, and totally honest about her sporadic use during the pregnancy. We were honest because we wanted our son to have parents who were willing to handle whatever might come up. We certainly did not want to find that he had problems that his parents were not willing to deal with. That would not have been fair to him, never mind his parents. I think you should ask the question. That way, you are more likely to match with someone who shares your view of the world. Particularly in open adoption, that kind of connection can be valuable.

As a bmom I would take a test I would do anything I would have had to consider if I was adopting! My son's aparents are great and I spent as much time assuring the amom all would be well with the adoption and my son minus ear infections that I had as a kid lol! My son now needs tonsils and adnoids removed something I had done but the aparents were aware that this could have been something they would have to deal with! I also have a factor V blood clot disorder that was not diagnosed until I was pregnant and they need to have my son tested in case he has clots in the future. I am now pregnant with my second son after doctors told me not to have any more children! My husband was adopted and has no idea about his mother and father, but his bmother did use drugs and the amother had to do a lot for him while he was a baby, now he is the healthiest man I know and is successful!!! The doctors will tie my tubes so I can not have anymore kids after my son but we will adopt as well!!! So I can only give you my opinion and that is I would not base adoption on a using mother but I would want to know if the baby will need extra care!!!!!!! My blessings to you all!

I would only do it if the aparents did as well and they did it first. I think just asking a Bmom to be drugs tested is insulting.

lol well, without reading and analyzing other's posts, my first response would be to give you the hair sample. but then, i wonder, if you are unwilling to take a child that has been exposed to drugs, and willing to help a child overcome this, what else would you avoid? and what kind of parents would you be? i'd give you the sample because i've never done drugs and because i know what the results would be. but it would take a lot to trust my child with you. andi

Hey Purkeyone,I have to agree with the previous posters. I'm a pamom and it even put me off, this question. I think it's more that your dh wants to try to have this perfect little baby (not a slam, and maybe not what he meant, but that's how it came across to me) but unfortunately many kids all over the world are born with things like drug addictions or even worse... lots of drug addictions can be handled and treated. I understand it's no walk in the park, but I hope maybe he's opened his mind a little bit. I understand not wanting to take your work home with you, and in that line of work it is extremely difficult not to, but maybe he should consider a different line of work??? Lots of people make huge lifestyle changes when they begin a family. I would agree to be concerned with what other limitations he may have... no child is perfect, and kids born with an illness, disability, or addiction are so innocent. I hope I'm not too harsh.. I think it's great that you posted and I'm sorry the feedback has been negative for the most part. I hope that someway it helps and you both are able to have the family you want. Best Wishes to you and dh! P.S. I would comply if a pbmom asked us to drug test, but it would offend me, but I would try to remember that they are trying to ensure that their child will have a safe and stable home and that is a piece of it.

I have only read the original post and feel compelled to state my feelings. Would I subject myself to 'drug-testing' at the request of potential adoptive parents...ABSOLUTELY NOT! However, this was one of the three questions the social worker asked me when contacting me (when my birthdaughter and her mom began their search thru the agency) "Was there or has there been any drug or alcohol abuse?"......I can only imagine as to why that was asked...and YES that insulted me.... tremendously. Being told by the adoptive mother that my birthdaughter was an ugly baby and that she didn't really want a girl...didn't insult me...it cut me like a knife. But, C., if you are reading this...I forgive you... I can never forget those words in our first conversation, but I forgive you. I still think from what I have been told, that you provided a wonderful childhood for my birthdaughter, and for that, I thank you.

In defense of the OP, and in reply to the "how dare you....." line of thinking, here are my thoughts. on one hand, I can completely understand why a potential bmom would be offended - yes, it does fit the stereotype of the drug addicted bparents. On the other hand, if the potential afamily is not willing or capable of handling a child that has been drug exposed, and is readily admitting so, then it would be a great disservice to the drug exposed child that could be placed with them. I think it is wrong to slam anyone for knowing what they can/cannot handle. The first questions asked of us as preadoptive parents (by both attorney and sw) was what type of child were we willing to accept i.e. race, age, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal smoking. We opted to have our (first) child drug tested in the hospital, not because we would have refused the placement, but so that we could be best prepared in how to care for him. When our second child came (same bmom) three years later, we did not have her drug tested. We had built a solid, trusting relationship with their bmom by then and were confident that she would have told us (or we would have known).

Great points, Billysmommy. Hadn't thought of it that way.

I saw this post the first time and was not sure how to react as I could understand sentiments of both adoptive and birth parents. The new postings bring up some good points. I agree with billysmommy that people should be respected for not wanting to take on something they feel that they can't handle and, if they want a drug test, should be able to ask for one. On the other hand, they should not gripe about it and complain that the "system" is against them when they can't find cooperative birth parents who are willing to produce a child to their specifications. I think it depends on how it is handled too in any drug testing situation. If someone were to tell me that we are going to "have you tested for drugs", I would tell them to hit the road. I might be more open to "would you be willing to take a drug test"? That way I feel that I have the choice. Happy G'Ma

I think thats the first feeling I got when I read the orginal post. PRODUCE A CHILD TO THEIR SPECIFICATIONS...it causes me to just shudder. The whole thing about people who would never adopt .because"you don't know what you are getting"..yup I have heard that. The whole thing about wanting pbirthparents to be of a certain inteeligance, looks, ..it just sit right with me. There is a class of paparents that do that and it is so arrogant...it makes me wonder what there reasons for adopting are???? They are looking for a trophy child...their are no guarentees they would have given birth to one but thats what they want. I understand that many paparents DON"T feel that way but the certian few that do scare me. When I first read the post I got the feeling that their is a certian "holier then thou" attitude..after reading other posts thou' I guess I do understand knowing what you can and can not handle for the sake of the child.

Hmmmm, I know that this is an old thread, but it really irked me. Our dd's bmom freely admitted to me that she had done some drugs during her pregnancy, when usage had occured, etc. I thought she was very upfront and honest with me about it and I felt no need for further information. When we arrived at the hospital, I really felt like the hospital SW was trying to get us to change our minds about dd. She kept saying things like, "You know M tested positive for xyz on these dates, right? Do you know what the affects can be?" SW was just really pushy about it and it really upset me. I mean really.... why ask me more than once? Anyways, yes dd had been exposed. However, the urine and merconium (sp?) tests done on dd both came back negative. The tests were not done by my request, but I was happy to have the results. If they had come back positive, it would not have changed anything. If I was an expectant mom trying to make an adoption plan, I would have definitely moved on to another couple. But that might be because as an adoptive mom I could never imagine asking that question.