Birthmothers, What Do You Think?

andromeda wrote..What I truly have learned is that what I did, what happened to me in 1963, was of far more benefit to other people than it was to me. I think that's the bottom line.. The no feeing rule was in effect.. That must have been something.. that time with your birthmom when you were pregnant and sixteen.. My goodness what an emotional mix up.. And then you find.. I found my son in '87, paralyzed in a wheelchair, he died in '95. He did not have the life or family that even I had as an adoptee.) I am so sorry this happened to you..I am so sorry this happened to your son.. Was he not adopted? Did no one tell you what happened? How cruel. Jackie

Colorbind love wrote.. I often think that open adoption takes great emotional work and strength. I agree.. I was able to walk away... What a strong woman you are.. Thank you for sharing your story.. Jackie

Jackie, On the subject of my son, he was adopted as an infant straight out of the maternity home. However, he was 'matched' to people who had many problems, mostly health and money. Sometime in his early teens, he was given a motorcycle. He was 16 (and probably under the influence of drugs or alcohol (or both) when he was hit by a car. Not expected to survive, he somehow did, but his injuries were quite simliar to those of Christopher Reeve (if you are familiar with him). Paralyzed from the neck down, unable to breathe on his own, very serious issues for a 16 year old to live with. He survived 16 years in virtual poverty and died alone one night when his breathing tube got disconnected. He could not replace it. I learned about his accident when I found him. It was a very different reunion for me. But we got along great and spent much time together in the 8 years we had. He was happy to be found. As far as my own birthmother, she gave me to people she knew when she decided she couldn't keep me (at 3 months) and was in and out of my life over the years. She said she 'couldn't bear to never see me again'. However, that didn't stop her from deciding that 'never seeing him again' was best for me and my son. I did not learn she was my mother until age 16 when I wanted to get married. I'd really like to have had one reunion that was less dramatic.

andromeda wrote..As far as my own birthmother, she gave me to people she knew when she decided she couldn't keep me (at 3 months) and was in and out of my life over the years. I think that is a pre war type of adoption.. I wonder if they are the hardest.. I met a man on the train (I was traveling from San francisco to Chicago) and he had an experience similar to yours.. He was writing a book about it.. He ended up in an orphanage.. The same one as that famous baseball player was in.. (I can not pull the name from my memory) He and I sat in the dining car and I learned so much from him.. How he kept running away from the home his mom had placed him in.. I wonder if your birthmom did not like the open concept.. The open adoption scenario.. Did she ever talk about this? How controlling they all were in those days.. I remember 1963.. I had just turned twenty one.. We rebelled and they controlled.. Everyone thought it best that we just walk away.. Don't deal with it.. Don't be there for the delivery.. Just pretend it all away.. And then look what happened to you.. No prentending for you. My husband and I rode motorcycles.. He would ride them very drunk.. I remember refusing to get on a friends motorcycle (a big black triumph).. I saw evil in that bike.. He crashed the next month.. He crashed and died.. We still have motorcycles but my husband will not ride on them in the city.. And they are antiques now so he will not abuse them. I managed to get an easy reunion.. I got the grandbabies and the bson who was and is having a good life.. (to the best of my knowledge) I am so very sorry you did not.. I may have missed reading this.. But are you still in contact with your birthmom? Jackie

Martha Ann D. wrote.. During that night, I was able to slip undetected into the nursery and see him. Isn't that incredible.. What kind of thinking would condone this.. How completely shut down and without pity they were.. I am not a catholic.. After I had my son the priest stood over me and said a prayer.. I felt like such a sinner.. How can we do that to our young? And my heart goes out to the ones who are still stuck in that place.. Still believe that what they did to us (some of us) was the right thing to do.. Jackie

My son was born Jan 1-years ago back in Illinois and I went through St. Monica's in Springfield Illinois. I always felt like that was a punishment for me-having to think about it on New Years like that. For years I tumbled through life and to this day I still feel that wound like it was yesterday. I remember when he was born telling the hospital nurse that it was pretty great ,him being born the New Years Baby and that he would get prizes to start off his new life. She told me because of the adoption that that would not happen so there would be no publicity surrounding that. I felt like I cheated him from that moment on. I spent many years lost in my life looking for him,always looking. I spent money I did not have on "agencys' who only wanted to compound my grief. After his birth there was no counsel from Catholic Charities and at home I was to act like it never happened. I left shortly after and my years turned into grief which I took out upon myself in drugs,drink,men,food. I never stopped looking ...every baby I saw was a reminder and suspicion and shame surrounded me.Soon, I left the state and travelled all over-never really anywhere as I could not get away from myself. I wonder who that girl was,the one I use to be. As time went on all of my relationships have suffered due to my own misunderstandings.I am now married with a son who I am sure never got the best of me because of my own shame and fears. I have a daughter now as well who I will help until the ends of the earth that that should never happen to her! Now I have learned of all of the lies that surround the agency(CC) and that his bday was most likely switched so all my time of searches had been in vain most likely. To this day I continue to look for that little boy I gave up who is now a man. Someday I may find him-I thought I had a couple of times but no such luck. I will find him. But not today... I will pray for you all out there in your search for peace,know that you are not alone.-juli

ojuliet wrote.. I remember when he was born telling the hospital nurse that it was pretty great ,him being born the New Years Baby and that he would get prizes to start off his new life. She told me because of the adoption that that would not happen so there would be no publicity surrounding that. And you were shamed.. That kind of stuff goes so deep.. I acted out after I relinquished.. I also never connected with the people who I loved but did not know I loved.. Its like a journey 'to self' to me.. Here we get this horrible trauma and then shut the heck up about it.. How does one sort that? We share a unique experience.. Jackie

How true Jackie,they say no two stories are alike and yet for so many of us we are one. Sometimes I am stuck in time and act like that young rebellious girl to this day. My son would now be 25 and be a man-it is hard to wrap my head around that as I have a 17 year old and a 4 year old at home now-my 4 year old was a complete "surprise" and was born on Jan 4th(a few days after my son who I gave up so long ago) It takes away alot of the pain that I normally suffer around that time-but not completely. I may have given my son up but I did not give up on him. I will always look-Juli

ojuliet wrote..It takes away alot of the pain that I normally suffer around that time-but not completely. I am happy when my bsons birthday roles around these days.. I am also very lucky.. My bson had and is having a good life.. He is where he is supposed to be.. And he has even told me he is grateful for life.. I did good.. That is what I can tell myself when I think of all those awful times.. I did a good thing.. When I got pregnant in 1964 I took the greyhound bus from Boston to Miami.. My parents were living in Miami at that time.. I knew I was pregnant and I knew I was in deep trouble.. When we went past Orlando in the middle of the nite I hit bottom.. Florida is a long state to travel through.. That moment stuck in my mind through the years.. Then a few years back I flew to Orlando.. I met some friends etc who I knew from on line.. A good good friend of mine took me to the beach and we sat and did a meditation.. A meditation to work on my sadness around that moment in my life.. That moment when the sky was falling.. :) We sat cross legged on the beach and I closed my eyes and worked on the healing.. A pelican flew over me.. A beautiful ancient pelican. It blocked out the sun and I came out of my meditation.. I felt better after that.. Recently I was reading a book and the author said that the pelican in animal power speak represents sacrifice.. I said to myself.. Yes.. All those years and all that horror was about my bson having life.. Having a life.. I have three grandbabies.. They are having a life as well.. I swear that the journey towards knowing is worth it.. Jackie

In a completely closed adoption. My child's father wanted nothing to do with me when he found out I was pregnant. I was young and naive and thought that this person loved me. I gave up my child after her birth and moved forward. Kind of. I went running to the first man that told me that he loved me. I ended up being in a very abusive marriage until I divorced the man in 2000. I have since remarried and am happy. I never insinuated myself into my child's life. I was always of the mindset if she wanted to find me, I would not be hiding. She has initiated contact and now I am scared to death. Will she really want anything to do with me when the newness wears off or will she get her information and move on and I will be right where I started again. I am sure that won't happen, just questioning what is happening at this point in time. If anyone has any insight, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Since the adoption in my life a year ago, things. thoughts, feelings about adoption have changed. I was promised pics and to keep in touch throughout his life. I thought because they were friends of my sister and her husband, that ties would not be cut. Guess what? This couple no longer talks with my sister. We were not invited to first birthday as promised or any gatherings as promised. Adoptive parents say anything they think you want to hear, and then when the final papers are signed....hhhhmmm.... they forget you exist. If I could do it again, I would. Chase would be with my family. I would have adopted him out to someone in my family and not just a friend of the family. I just can't believe it and it breaks my heart that people you thought you knew could change so. Especially during circumstances that they shouldn't change. Adoptive parents should be real... don't make promises you can't keep... birth parents go through enough hurt and heart break. While I gave them joy, they only gave me heartbreak. Do I want my child growing up with liars? No.:rolleyes:

Its important to remember that no all adoptive parents are the sameso making blanket statements like, œAdoptive parents say anything they think you want to hear, and then when the final papers are signed ....hhhhmmm.... they forget you exist is hurtful to the adoptive parents who would never go back on their word. IԒm certainly not trying to discount your feelings regarding the adoptive couple who adopted ChaseI cant imagine what it would be like to be taken advantage of like thatŅI am only speaking up for the large number of adoptive couples and singles who would never dream of breaking the promises they made to their childs birthparents. ItҒs still beyond my scope of understanding how people can do this to one anotherand not only that, how they can do it to their children. What a shame.

I am not trying to put all adoptive parents in same catagory. Just for people to research their prospective adoptive parents... but no matter how much research you do, it can still fail. There are wonderful adoptive parents out there, I wish I would have known of them a year ago. I apologize to any adoptive parents feelings I may have hurt. I don't want to be the cause of anybodys feelings being hurt. Hugs and best wishes to the adoptive parents and birth parents out there. If it were not for the adoptive parents of the world, where would our children be?:)

I do not often visit the adoption message boards any longer but I decided to do an update to my original question. I'm an adoptee and birthmother in my 60's. My found son died 19 years ago after having been a quadriplegic for the last 16 years of his life. I knew him for 8 of those years. His adoptive parents are both gone now - for 10 years. My adoptive parents are gone - for 30 and 7 years. I'm estranged from my adopted brother and other family members. My birthfather died 10 years ago and my birth mother died 18 months ago although we were not in contact since my son died in '95. I'm going to see my birthmother's grave next week when I visit my hometown. The thought came to me last night that I hope my bmother is finally at rest because she fought battles most of her life, most of which were of her own making. I hope she's sorted it out wherever she is now because she was a very unhappy woman. She left behind a mixed legacy, 2 very dysfunctional 50-something daughters and a reclusive 60ish son. She is finally reunited with her son (my 1/2 brother) who was killed in a car accident in 1973. And I am also left to remember a woman who felt cheated in life yet tried to make it work until she died. I remember the good times with my bmother and prefer to think of them over the craziness she imposed on her children, always believing her latest scheme would change everything for the better. She died unexpectedly with a bladder infection but I think she was completely worn out after fighting all her enemies, both real and imagined. I knew her as fun and funny, determined and inconsistent, a woman who loved clothes, liked to dress up and look good. Like all of us, she had many faces. Unquestionably, my birthmother had a huge influence on my life, as did my adoptive mother. My adoptive father also had a big influence and I give him credit for many things - my common sense, perseverance and sense of humor. He indulged me with pets, freedom to do many things my mother would not have allowed and, most important of all, I knew he liked me. My birthfather came into my life too late to have much input but he was always honest with me. He didn't try to make himself look better by rewriting the past, something my birthmother did at every opportunity. For that I thank him and remain very appreciative. For the record, I have learned to appreciate all 4 of my parents. The birthfather died 7 years ago and I met him for the first time in 25 years on the day before I met my son. He got into my car that day and said, ' You're just as pretty as you always were.' and I knew there were still remnants of the young man I'd known and loved so much since I was 6 years old. I was responsible for my adoptive mother the last 10 years of her life spent in a nursing home and I felt appreciated those years, something I never felt with her before. I did everything I could to make her last years comfortable and planned and spoke at her funeral. My adoptive brother did not attend. I finally made my peace with my adoptive mother and I'm glad I did. And my son, lost just after his birth in 1963, found, then lost forever in 1995. We spent some wonderful times together. We talked endlessly when we were together and I called him several times each week. I spent time with him at his home, at hospitals and, although I learned to take care of him, I never saw his disability as unworkable. I took him on a 3 day trip to meet my adoptive mother and see the town where I grew up. It was important to me that he know about the place and people who molded both of us. Although I offered to take him, he did not want to meet his birthfather who showed little interest in his only son, for reasons i won't go into here. He knew my birthmother and her children fairly well because they lived not far from him. I saw him through a suicide attempt, a girlfriend who tried to kill him then killed herself as well as numerous hospitalizations for infections, pressure sores and other disability related problems. I came to know his adoptive parents and sister's family well. He gave me some things I wanted but could not get, his original birth certificate (The state would not give it to me, but they did give it to him.), his adoption papers and the paperwork generated by the maternity home (2 more things I could not get but he could.). He also supported my conviction that I could have married his father and raised him myself. He once told me "Mom, I think I would have been alright with you." He always said he would never have tried to find or contact me because of his disability but he learned that I didn't care about the disability, I cared about knowing him. Would I change what happened if I could? Of course. But I adapted to the situation I found and I have never been sorry I found him. I told him the day I met him that I felt I had to find him, that I couldn't die without meeting the baby I'd lost more than 20 years before. It didn't take courage to find him, it took knowledge of the system that swallowed us both in 1963 and spit us back out to lead separate lives. It took determination and a varying amount of anger at the way I'd been treated. I learned a lot about both of us by finding him. I learned that birth bonds DO matter and we both lost much when we were separated. I learned that finding him was not a do-over but a 'proceed from here' thing. I learned we were very much alike and I learned that I wasn't a bad person. I learned that I am tougher than nails in situations where I have to be. I learned that the baby I saw a few times and held only once was a smart, interesting, caring, funny person and that he wanted me to be part of his life. I could not have asked for more. Now there is a postscript ending to what I think about being adopted and losing a baby to adoption. I recently buried my closest childhood friend and spoke at her funerals. In my remarks was this, "There is an Aborginal philosophy that says we are all just visitors to this place we call Earth, we are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love and then return home." I think I have finally resolved so many of the adoption issues that haunted me all my life and, like my friend, will be ready when it is time to return home. In an Age of Aquarius moment for me, I hope all who come to this or similar boards find their own answers. Sometimes it's not what you think you are looking for but something you need to know. I was formerly known as Andromeda.

What do I think? Well, I guess it depends on the birthparent. For my experience and forced relinquishment of not one but two daughters, the grief has not ended even nearly two decades later. It is a gift that keeps on giving. My daughters adopters guilted me into going my daughter to them because they had a big house and were married and I as not. I was too weak to fight them and my parents. I saw them hailed as heroes years later for adopting a child. How does that make you a hero? My daughter is beautiful and there are waiting lists a mile long with couples longing for a child. Adoption doesn't make someone a hero. I feel badly for people that are infertile I really do, because ironically I am now unable to have a daughter of my own. But carrying and nurturing a baby in your womb for nine months and then watching that beautiful child call another woman mommy is MUCH harder. I would advise birth moms to fight for their child. I am so sorry I didn't fight my parents harder. I am now grown, successful and wish my daughters were in my life. I wish I had a daughter. I am having a hard time with my elderly parents never apologizing for the mental turmoil they put me through to get me to let go of their granddaughters. They yell at me if I bring it up. I am almost 40 years old now and have a great husband who is helping me deal with the pain that finally caught up to me. I wish I could say I am signed up to adopt. But I couldn't put another woman (or child) through this. The babies suffer too a lot of the time because they know they are not with who they were meant to be with.