Teacher should be more considerate !

I may be reading the OP wrong, but I assumed SHE was the adoptee...so "the buck" per se, on knowing the lineage on her side (at least bio, anyway), stops with her. If that is the case, of course the teacher would not realize the emotional impact of the assignment to her child, because, from what I gain, he is NOT adopted. Teachers are normally filled in on whether a child is adopted or fostered through the school's counselors, so the teacher can be aware of certain behaviors that may happen. So, if there were any adopted children in that class, there could've been a chance she would've handled it differently than she did. Kristi

Thank you to everyone who responded. Let me get a few things straight. No, I am not a single mother My son does have a father and we do know the history on his side of the family. The problem is that I do not have much information on my side of the family and the assignment wsa to trace back both sides of the family tree as far as posisble. I'm sure that it is different now, but I was adopted in 1968 when there was still a alot of shame involved in adoption. My adoptive parents were ashamed that they were unable to have another child, after their only son died, and adopted me out of desperation. Their families were against the adoption and my adopted father did not want to go through with the process. The only reason that he did go through with the adoption was because my mother pressured him to do so. None of my adoptive family wanted any relationship with me and I never knew any of them. As a result, they were never talked about in front of me and to this day I do not even know my own grandparents names ! My adoptive father left when I was young and never contacted me again. I only learned his full name when I sent away for my own birth certificate. I know next to nothing about my adoptive family and even less about my biological one. I do not know their names (other than the mother, father, and one aunt. I do not know where they were born, I do not know what they look like, I know nothing ! My adoptive mother is living in another state, has remarried, and her husband does not know about me. I contacte her a few years ago and she begged me not to call her again. She is afraid that her husband will find out about me and leave her just like my adopted father did. Part of the shame stems from the fact that I am the product of a date rape. It also always bothered her that my mother is a Jahovah's Witness and asked that I not be raised as a Methodist (my adoptive parents religion) As a result I was never christianed and my mother stopped going to church (something she blames me for) As you can imagine, my son does not know any of my adoptive family and I don't want to hurt his feelings by explaining that they are embarresed by him. I am thinking of having him write a paper on searching for my birth parents. I have been searching for many years and have always been honest with him about it. Oh, by the way, I also am a teacher and would never assign something that might be hurt a child's feeelings. Teachers should realize that children come from many different backgrounds and that sometimes they are less than perfect. My son can not be the only child that has been in this situation.

I second this numbr1. You took the words right out of my mouth. I am sorry for your situation, nicky, but I just want to re-empasize that if none of the children in your son's class are adopted or fostered, then of course the teacher probably felt comfortable in handing out the assignment. It's not the teachers job to know the personal lives of every one of their student's families, unless there is something in their home that is cause for alarm. You're a teacher, you know this ;) I am, however, concerned with the message you conveyed. I hate that you were subject to such hostilty with your adoptive parents, and I don't blame you for not keeping in contact with them. However, what you said Your son, as you pointed out in your post, is not the issue of why you and your a-family are at odds. The mom wanted a replacement for her deceased child and the father went along with it. And then finger pointing and stuff went on...but your son had nothing to do with it. Please do not shift the blame to him when it's your a-parent's fault they did this...not YOU or HIM are to blame. I mean NO offense by this, but that statement concerned me. Best of luck to you, Kristi

I realize that it is not a teacher's job to know the personal lives of each one of her students, but I do think that a teacher should be perceptive enough to realize that there might be a child in her classroom that is touched by adoption. I am really amazed that no one is able to understand my perspective on this. Imagine an eleven year old boy standing up in front of 33 of his peers and admiting that he does not know his own grandparents. You are all adults and you were asking me why I simply did not use my adoptive parents information. What do you think that a class full of pre-teens is going to say ? Children can be cruel. I have never told my son that his adoptive grandmother is ashamed of him. I would never do that, even though I realize that it is the truth. I thought that this website is the one place that I can be honest, but no one seems to understand. It is a bit frustrating !Surely I can't be the only adoptee to have a situation like this. I would like to reemphasize that it was not my decision to break off my relationship with my a mother. It was hers. I am simply honoring her request. As for my father, he left when I was five years old. It was hardly my fault.

Ya know, my son has had occasions when he has had to give information about our family make up, and hes never received one ounce of trouble from it. I am what most would consider an orphan, his biological father sexually assaulted me, and nine moths later, my wonderful son was born. I think that in todayҒs society, every family has its own structure. Its not how it used to be, with one mom and one dad and a ton of devoted close-knit family members. Some families have one parent, some have four, some have two dads while others have two moms. My son has no one to put on his family tree҅I take that back, he has me and my husband whom he calls dad. For all intents and purposes, I am an orphanthatŒs just the way it is. Its not something to be ashamed of or make a spectacle of, just complete the assignment the best that you can, and move onif your that ashamed or worried about what others will think, make it up.

Nick - I reiterate my previous suggestion (which comes from a great forum member and well used before) and that is to take your son and MAKE SOMETHING UP. :) Be creative ... trace you lineage to some imaginary duke or African Prince or something. Let this be a project you and your son can have FUN with.

Well, I for one never asked you why you did not use your adoptive parents information. I asked if you were a single mom because you did not mention a father figure in your original post. I also provided you with a great suggestion for a substitute...making a short essay about the GOOD of adoption. I would like to think, in this politically correct world, that your son stating "my mother was adopted when she was a little girl, so we have no information on that side of the family", wouldn't even phase the other kids in his class. And, I never blamed you for the estrangement between your a-parents. Quite the contrary, I stated it was not YOUR fault, NOR your son's fault. How can the truth be your a-family is embarrassed of him, when it sounds like the connection between your a-family and yourself was cut long before he came into the picture? I, too, am getting frustrated. I am trying to offer support to you, and have come up with a few good opinions, as well as offer my insight for others who might be reading. I am NOT attacking you personally, nor do I intend to ever do such. Again, best of luck to you :) Kristi

Immigrant families have always had this problem. When you emigrate, especially forcible emigration like if you are fleeing communism or some political unrest family trees can be traumatic experiences and this has always been so. My cousins and I all had to do these assignments and our parents were orphaned in a military coup. They didn't like talking about the past nor was our original language good enough to really understand what they were saying. My cousins and I all did alternate assignements on the countries we came from, researched in the library, not with our parents. I think assigments like this one are best let go by the wayside like Palmer method cursive and **** and Jane books. It's just my personal opinion but we can no longer assume that all students in the class have an intact, nuclear family. It's just not the truth anymore. There soes seem to be undue angst in the original posters stance as it affects her child. Trust me, beign adopted isn't any more of a reason for children to be cruel to your child (especially since he's not even the one that was adopted) that any other thing, it's actually less so since kids don't think that abstractedly.

I'm not sure making up a story would be the best thing to do, trying to cover up things about ourselves makes us feel like we have a shameful secret and then we feel ashamed of ourselves too. Plus then we have to fear 'discovery'. It doesn't sound like a good thing to teach a kid. Probably an eleven yr old would simply feel happy to be done quickly with his assignment by getting to write 'unknown' all over one side of the tree, but it sounds like a good opportunity to talk with him about how our worth as a person has nothing to do with our parents' worth, or with our sex, race, religion, country of origin, adoption-status, etc.

Jen-I didn't exactly say to create one-I said add in and make extra circles(my kids all have bio siblings living elsewhere). I have strong opinions about these types of assignments(like they shouldn't be done except in elective high school classes for kids who are into this stuff). In this case, if you choose the assignment-you can make up info, write still searching, or if you believe in God-just list him as parent for you.(don't bother blasting me, I've just spent 2 hours in an IEP meeting) There was a thread in the Russia board over a lousy 7th grade assignment about a child's birth. Schools need to wake up. There are so many different kinds of families these days that any learning value these assignments might bring is lost in the emotional damage they cause.

I actually don't see this as an adoption issue. Plenty of people have families that can't be traced back more than one or two generations. There were lots of reasons...early deaths, estrangements, scandals... Your son knows your name and your parents names. Just go back as far as his grandparents. That's all the information you have, all you have to say is that your parents were estranged from them and you don't know their names. I guarantee, he's noticed that his mother's parents aren't around. But no one needs to know why.

After reading this thread I must make a comment. I also agree the assignment was "trace your family tree back as far as you can". MOM if he can only trace to your adoptive parents and his father's side then he is done with the assignment. No further information or explanation is needed. But I strongly disagree with the comments that this type of assignment should no longer be done. Researching a family tree is extremely hard and very informative. If you have never done your family genealogy it can be a real eye opener. Nor do I believe it shuld be for high schoolers as an elective. I once heard the reason for studying history is "How can we know where we are going if we don't know where we've been". I have traced many of my lines back to Europe and even to 1332 but one important line only back to a great grandfather and his birth of 1833. Researching such a project and finding the resources at a library vs online would help restore to your students the ability to do hands on research. Many of these old documents are being destroyed and unless someone in the family takes the time to preserve them they (the info) will be lost to future generations. Yes I understand about the "new" families of today but heritage is still heritage. I can understand the original post and her asking about the teacher being insensitive - but it is her adoption not her son's that is the crust of the problem. I was a single parent and my daughter's father was not involved in her life. In fifth grade as a member of a girl scouts troup they were having a father/daughter dinner. My daughter told me she would not be able to attend since it was for fathers. I simply called the leader explained the situation and asked that in today's society (1982) with divorce common would it be okay if I stood in for her father. The leader was wonderful and at the dinner that night another mother (married but whose husband couldn't be with his daughter) approached me and offered her thanks for breaking a long standing tradition.

Why can't you have him do it on your family? He is living witn you and you are standing in as his parent.It might give him some pride that you consider him your son. Just a thought. hope it helps I was a foster child. this would of helpsed me

I remember being assigned a family tree in the 6th grade back in the 70's. I am not adopted and neither are my parents, but they were both on non-speaking terms with their families and had very limited information other than the names and birthdates of their parents and siblings. I loved it because while my classmates were busy researching their families and calling various aunts and uncles for information, all I had to do was write down a few names and be done. It made for a very quick assignment, and for once, the teacher couldn't blame me for being lazy! Nowadays, with the number of kids growing up in single family households, or being raised by grandparents, or being adopted, or being raised in same-sex households... I would think that teachers (and kids) are used to all kinds of family configurations and it wouldn't be an issue at all to have your son just present his father's side of the family.

I adopted my son from foster care. My mother researches geneology for a hobby. I have mixed feelings about it whenever she wants to talk about some new "family tree" discovery. As I am reading this thread, an image keeps coming into my head of a bird carrying a branch into another tree. Maybe you don't have a big family "tree" but you are a branch that was brought into your husband's family and together you are building your son's family. Maybe focus on what brought you to join your husband's family. Maybe focus on the other plants in the garden that sustain your tree (close friends, church, community). Trees don't stand alone. Just take the "family tree" metaphor somewhere innovative. This is a confusing issue. Good luck.