How long have all the singles been waiting?

Well, my homestudy was approved back in November or December of 2002. Initially I was offered a 12-year-old girl with schizophrenia, bi-polar, and other problems. As a single parent of two birth teens, I didn't feel there were enough hours in the day to truly give this girl the care and attention she deserved. We were offered yet another girl who'd been very abused, and though we tried with lots of visits, she was very abusive to my daughter and acted out sexually frequently with my son. I felt that we were not ready for her, either; she was adopted by her forever family at Christmas. So, though I was offered two potential placements, have not adopted as yet. Now, I both feel "overly picky" and have been branded as such by our local HHS folks. I just wanted to truly provide everything the child needs, and would be honored to accept a sibling group, bi or multi-racial and pretty much any age as my children are 18 and 16 and will be in college soon... But the wait ....let's just say our HHS folks told me that they've placed me on a list of "potential parents we'll never call." I feel as if I am punished for trying to do what was right, and also feel guilty because if they had been born to me, I would have accepted them, right? So, I have guilt and sadness, disappointment, and yet still feel that my decision was the right one so far. Thoughts comments ?

maureentherese, :mad: that is horrible that they would be treating you that way. it does no good for anybody (except possibly case worker w/one less child on their load) to move forward with a placement that you would not be comfortable with. it could mean years of misery and/or danger to all involved. or a disruption which puts the child even further behind in their healing. i think you have shown great judgement and responsibility in refusing to be bullied into taking a child that would not be right for your family. if only more people used better judgement, it would seem there would be far fewer disrupted adoptions and stigmatized children. there are people who can and will accept "hard cases", and putting those children in a doomed placement and out of "circulation" as it were, seems horribly unfair to the kids. i don't know where you are from, but are there private agencies that are contracted by the state? you might have better luck with one of them? at the agency that i am with (private - with problems of their own) i was given a form to fill out about which problems i would or would not be able to accept in a child. it may seem unfair that you would deal with the problems if the child was born to you, but these children were not born to you and you are jumping in midstream. is there a photolisting for your state? or "match parties"? i would work more towards finding a child on your own and talking to their worker instead of waiting to be presented with a child. this is really what i am curious about. how did people connect with their children? maybe i should start a new thread...

I am on a business trip in Fort Worth, TX, has been a very long day with being up at 3:30 am to catch the flight, etc. Your note was a pick me up and the most positive reinforcement to date. I live in the state of Nebraska, and went through HHS. The training is done through a Triad of HHS, The Child Saving Institute and Lutheran Family Services. This is all happening with Child Saving Institute, but they are all linked together, so I am terribly frustrated and sad. So much to be worried about and all I have ever wanted was to have more children. I have been a single parent for over 13 years, and honestly, even back when I was married, my husband and I were looking at International Adoption together. Because I was single all through my 30's and am now 44, I don't think I could even have a bio child if I were to find a good man. There are so many children in the state system, that remains my best hope, for both my budget and my age. Single parenting is expensive, my children are 15 and 18. Daughter is nearly 16...they have been so great, and I am happy to have their support in all of this. My daughter even attend several of the PRIDE adoption training classes with me and learned so much. Do you have other suggestions for me? Now even my homestudy has expired ...it's taken that long. :(

i am in the same boat. much of my homestudy info is expiring now too, and i have really thought about giving up. i tend to send really desparate/depressed/angry emails when i get really down. (perhaps part of the reason i'm having a hard time being matched - crazy lady :rolleyes: ) but when i contacted a woman who worked at our state exchange, she was extremely helpful in calming me down. i just tried to find her messages but couldn't find them in my cluttered mailbox. basically she was saying that making a good match is not always easy and has no set timeframe. once the match is made, it is forever. as hard as it is for me, imagine how my child is feeling right now - even less control and more rejection and uncertainty and how hard it is for them to keep hoping for a family. it helped me to remember why i had started this whole thing in the first place, knowing that i would make a good parent for a child without a family right now, and that this was more important than my impatience. and i've worked so hard, learning as much as possible about everything imaginable related to adopting that one kid, with all their problems and wonderfulness. it would be a shame to let all the time and effort and emotion go to waste because the system got me down. there are so many kids out there, i'm sure there is one for me. this is something that i wanted so bad that i am not ready to let myself be beat just yet. i'm still hoping that it will all be worth it in the end. of course, this hope/optimism is not constant - i happen to be having a good day today :p

You reminded me of why I am doing this: one, to build my family, two, to bring a child or group of children out of a system where they are hurting, to a stable, home where they can feel love, constancy, stability. It just has been YEARS, and they have been so harsh and cruel - the system can really get me down. But, you've reminded me to try again, so I will call Child Saving Institute on Monday or Tuesday and ask if they have yet rescheduled the Team Assessment Meeting for February. Maybe, just maybe they have. But that meeting has me so very worried: they could say that I am just not parent material. Me, with an 18-year-old high school senior, and a nearly 16-year-old sophomore daughter. They are both healthy, mentally and physically, and I have single parented for nearly 14 years (this April). So I know I can do this, even if they don't. When I bought my house four years ago, it was intentional to buy a four bedroom - so there would be room. I'm praying and trying to stay encouraged - we can cheer each other up. Like you, I sure have good days and bad days. Today's... a neither day. I'm just hanging on as bast I can, trying to be patient. Who knows, if this Team Assessment is a good one, perhaps I'll find out that there hadn't been very good specifics on my homestudy, or there was some mistake about what we were looking for. Thanks for listening.

My situation is very similar to Maureentherese's story. I am a 46 year "young" single mom who has raised two sons, now 26 & 22. My homstudy has been approved since May 2002. I took about a year off from the "matching" process when my youngest son moved back home for about a year. I was first selected for a sibling group of two sisters (12 & 8). After reading their files, I decided I would not be able to handle the behaviors of the 8 year old (in my state, Kansas, you get very little info before being selected and only after being selected get to read detailed info). I requested to talk or email the social worker with some questions before the staffing, but was never answered back. The 12 year old was able to handle her problems quite well under the circumstances and I thought she would make a great member of my family. But, unfortunately, the 8 year old (they had not lived together for over a year) was very destructive of personal property and physically violent with foster mom, in fact the very week I was reading the file she had just been removed from her 3rd foster home specifically because of her behavior. I told the social worker I did not feel I could handle the youngest child's behavior. I was extremely disappointed and felt guilty as well, but knew I had made the right decision as felt I would be a prisoner in my own home & had visions of having to lock my room at night due to being attacked, etc... Just recently I was selected again for a 12 year old (next month) little girl. In this circumstance I feel I was misled and all the facts were not given to me up front when asking detailed info about current diagnosis, behaviors, etc. The IRP (one page info I read before staffing was outdated & already a year and a half old when I read it & when asked for current info was not given the whole story). I was just told she had ADHD & had been hurt very deeply in the past so would be slow to trust & would try not to attach due to trust issues. Upon reading her file & talking with current foster mom found out her current diagnosis is ADHD, ODD, RAD, a few isolated incidents of sexual acting out with peer & younger child, D's & F in school, and an adoption disruption where they kept her older brother & sister but not her. RAD was a definite "cannot handle" on my home study. This time, instead of feeling disappointed and guilty, I was more angry, as if this info had been given to me up front I would have never even inquired on this child let alone had my homestudy submitted to her social worker, as being a full time working single mom, I knew these issues were more than I could handle - especially before/after school care at this age (couldn't be left alone per her foster mom due to ADHD problems, yet high risk for a sitter due to sexual acting issues & liabiltiy with younger children). So, I am also still waiting, and now having turned down two "matches" I feel like I have a big black X next to my name. But, I think I would rather have that, than be absolutely miserable and unable to handle a child to the extent that I would feel like a prisoner in my own home. So, hopefully they will eventually match me with a child with mild special needs that would thrive with a lot of one-on-one attention, love, nurturing and stability. Until then, I continue to wait....

I got my homestudy done in 1994 for [url=""]special needs children[/url] in Minnesota. I tried and tried to get a placement for 7 years. I got close a couple times, even met a few of the kids, but their disabilities were much more severe than I had been led to believe. In fact, at one meeting, one of the two workers admitted she had never even met the child. My worker and I were horrified! But it seemed only the severe kids were being offered to me as a single.I was advised to do foster care, but knew I would become too attached and would not want to give them back. (back then they didn't have fos-adopt...not to say that's real successful either....don't get me started!!!:mad: Then my worker suggested I do [url=""]respite care[/url] through Crisis Nursery, which is basically short-term foster care (72 hrs.), so I could get some experience. I did that for over 2 years, but that didn't seem to help me with adopting a child at all. Around this same time, I decided that big city life was NOT for me :D and I moved back up north to live in my hometown. An area with a large Native American population, some black and Hispanic families, but not many. Most of the black people were children who had been adopted, but there were some adults, as well as a goodly number of students at the local college.I thought FOR SURE I'd never get a child now. And to top it all off, I had to switch adoption agencies as my previous one was now 4 hours away!But to make a long story short, 7 years after I started, I was placed with a 2-1/2 yr old AA boy from NJ. Two and a half years later, I was placed with a 1-1/2 yr old AA/Asian boy from OR. Both were [url=""]special needs adoptions[/url] - from foster care - but with lots of love and hard work, they're both happy, normal little boys. So I guess my big advice would be, don't give up!!! And, most importantly, try out-of-state adoption as workers in other states are not as prejudiced as the ones in your home state.I am in the process of finding my 3rd and/or 3rd and 4th child(ren) right now. I have mostly applied for AA, Hispanic, bi- or multi-racial children - one because I am happily comfortable with [url=""]trans-racial parenting[/url], and two, sadly, because the numbers of AA, Hispanic, bi- or multi-racial children are higher and I'll have a better chance. Are all workers open to me as a prospective parent? Even though I already have AA children? NO. But as my friend Janell says "what's meant to be, will be."Apparently that goes for kids, too.But it the system utterly ridiculous - let alone TOTALLY BROKEN??? Hell, yeah! Wtih all the kids waiting out there, these workers need to get over themselves and their old-timer, prejudiced, pre-conceived, inane notion that single parents aren't a valuable resource in adoption. All I can say is, "if you want something bad enough, don't ever give up until you get it." (my Grandma!)Best of luck to all singles!SandyProud mama ofJ, 6, AA, from NJQ, 3, AA/Asian, from OR

Wow, now that's a story and a half. You've really been through it and in spite of the difficulties, stuck with it and have a wonderful family to show for your perseverance. And your children have a mom! I'm hanging in there, and am still hopeful. I think much has changed regarding perceptions of single parent adoption since 94, but NOT nearly enough! They tell me in Nebraska that I have just as good a shot as anyone. We'll see on this next go round - they won't place till we've been refingerprinted and the house checked again. My homestudy is also expired, but they said just hold on and don't redo it, till there's a possible placement. It's so messed up. We have a huge hispanic community, very large and growing. My children and I attend a church with great diversity - on Sundays we have two English masses, two Spanish and one Vietnamese, I like it. I have told them that my first choice would be hispanic, thinking that might help...and well, because it would be wonderful. Any child, who is reasonably healthy - both physically and emotionally, would be wonderful. Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement....and understanding. This system's a mess. Maureen

Hi, My home study took 3 months, than i have appointed first agency and got my referal in a week however agency was another corrupt one, so got another agency and entire process started on 1st of December and finalized everything by 2nd of Feb 2005. It was quick and done very fast for a single father. My agency is experienced with single male cases from Gua.

I am not sure what you mean by single male from gua? It sounds as if you maybe were going through private agency, as opposed to adopting through the state or foster care system, which is my case. I do not have the means to pay for an expensive adoption. Special needs adoption expenses are borne primarily by the state. I just got re-fingerprinted on Wednesday, that also was paid for by the state (as one example). My foster care license has expired and to be recertified must have my son fingerprinted as well, as he is now eighteen (high school senior living at home) and once that is done, we'll have one more home visit and be recertified. Just sort of plodding along. We were really rolling with the idea there for awhile, then all the fizz went out of it after so many backfires. Did you adopt a newborn?

Ok, so let me start with the fact that I have over 20 applications out for special needs kids all over the US - Texas, Florida, Nevada, Ohio, California, Washington state, Oregon and New York. All for boys (and 1 girl) under 7 - most 5 and under. Much to the annoyance of my overpaid worker, I've been applying and applying over the last year. I told her several times I thought it was odd that I wasn't getting any calls back (her?) or further info (kids' SW) or at least reject letters saying I was not chosen (:mad: !!!) (It's cruel to prospective adoptive parents to make them wonder month after month whether they're still being considered or not. AARGH!)In fact, my SW recently complained about my application activity level (we're talking 3-5 kids a month here :rolleyes: ) and that I was keeping her "too busy" - although she sure signed the $800 check for fees!!! (plus another $1100 for out of state placement kids) And I thought, are you kidding me? If I sat around and waited for you to present kids to me, I'd still be sitting in this house alone!!! Furthermore, it is my phone bill chock-full of calls to the kids' SW's to make sure they got my study, photo page, etc., did they need anything else? info about our area, more family photos, photos of inside/outside the home (required in Texas), etc. That's what got me the kids I have and will have in the next month or two........because.....YES! I got called yesterday morning for a 1-1/2 yr old little boy from Florida!!! :) :D :p Funny thing is, I never thought I'd be chosen for him. I know it's (supposedly) down to our family and 3-4 other families for a couple of the kid(s) I've applied for - so he wasn't even on my radar as being a possibility! He was only on the web for 1-1/2 weeks, then taken off right away, so I thought my chances on him (because he's so young) were slim and none.So...SURPRISE! Needless to say, I'm thrilled. Now I'm just waiting for more current medical info and pictures :) which will hopefully get here ASAP so we can start making travel plans.Too funny - his SW asked when we'd like to fly down to get him - I said "tomorrow" and she said, no, seriously, and I said "tomorrow" and she seemed confused, so I explained that my personal feeling (and I'm sure the same of all adoptive parents) is the sooner MY SON is with HIS FAMILY, the better! Every day he spends in foster care is another day HIS FAMILY doesn't get to spend with him.I think she thought I was nutty (lol) but....Did I mention I GOT CALLED !!!!!!!!Ok, so I'm a bit excited, even though this is my 3rd time.So - to all still waiting, best of luck, and know that when the time (and the child(ren)) is right, IT WILL HAPPEN.Believe it!!!SandyProud adoptive mama toJ, 6, AA, came home from NJ in 2001Q, 3, AA/Asian, came home from OR in 2003O, 1, AA, coming home soon!!!!

I got my foster care license to facilitate faster placements. That was almost 6 years ago. My first son arrived the week after I finished my classes. He was 16 and developmentally disabled. He is now 22. After reading some of your stories, I really feel lucky! Best of luck to all of you in your journey!

I am still finishing up with my home study but I have already been accepted by a ** due in Sept. (yes it will be the longest summer lol) I was discouraged for the first month as I am not only single, almost 35 I am also Active Duty Air Force! So it is possible .... just know that there is a ** out there looking for you!!!!

Well.....my exuberance at being called was a bit premature as I didn't have all the facts yet.Heck, I don't have all the facts now and it's almost a month later. Turns out his medical issues are more than they originally let on....and now it seems they just "can't" get access to his medical records.....even though he's been a ward of the state since birth.About once a week his SW's Supvsr calls with a new piece of info or a person/# to call. This week it was his fmom's name/# and a clinic worker's name/#. NEITHER of which is helpful, as I want to speak to the Dr's and Specialists that are EXPERTS on his medical condition(s).I can't even be angry about it anymore.My SW, who I'm usually in disagreement with, is actually on my side that I/we aren't making any decisions until the medical records and the specialists' name/# is given to me/us. As much as the fmom's name/# was nice, I don't want to talk to her until I get the medical info FIRST. I think his SW isn't seeing the big picture here - this isn't some puppy we're bringing home that we can bring back to the pound if it doesn't work out - this is a child that would be mine forever - this is a decision of monumental importance. This is a decision I need to be fully informed on - as much as possible - before I can make a decision that will affect everyone's lives in the long term.So, my SW and I agree that since his SW and Supvsr aren't asking for an answer from me, we're just holding off until the medical records show up. I mean, if we can't get them to give me these, what are they going to be like in a year or two when he needs further medical treatments and surgeries? So it's extremely doubtful that this will happen. I do have other applications out for kids around the U.S. and hope to hear something REAL SOON from their SWs. I did finally get through to one yesterday, for a sib set in FL, after a week or trying - only to find out my family wasn't chosen. She made it sound like we were at the top of the list - and I kinda hoped we'd be flying down in a couple weeks..........but........NO. Then the worker has the gall (ok, I know she was trying to be helpful) to tell me about this agency I should sign up with, who places young AA/biracial kids, and I'm thinking, are you kidding? I'm still paying the fees for the agency I'm at! And I'm in special needs - you know, the type of adoption that in theory shouldn't cost you anything????????Sorry.I'm just really frustrated at the system - I've been waiting for over a year for child #3/and or 4 - and supposedly it gets easier as you go along. HA!!!! And I'm a bit depressed that I didn't get chosen for this sib set in FL - I lucked out in getting my study in the day before the staffing and thought that was a sign - let alone the long conversation with their SW that had me getting hopeful.......I know, I know, the right child(ren) is out there somewhere, waiting.It just sucks to wait on my end.(sigh) Sandy

Hi, I have started my home study oct 04, than I have seen my preciousness' picture on net, allied, got my dossier in 2 weeks (super fast), I have flown to GUA myself on 3rd of December 04 with my dossier, met with the agency, met with head of PGN adoption section, met with social worker from family court, all these helped me to become friends with this people and finish my adoption process before Xmas. Than we had to wait for all vacation period to end. Flown back to my country (43 hours, I live in Middle East). Than back to Gua and get back with my son on my birthday 22nd of February! I believe fastness is depends on your agencies contacts, your willigeness and their allowance you to involve, your visit possibilities to GUA. One of my friend here started on May 04 and still didnt completed his process and waiting.