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The greif I feel over loosing my daughter to such an unjust system has torn me apart for so many years that I find myself pushing the ones that I love today away. For a long time my daughter was the focus of my life until I met my husband. He has helped me out alot with having to deal with the fact that I don't have any control over her destination anymore. He helps keep in focus when it comes to my two children I have now. I feel though that he really don't know what is inside my heart when it comes to my daughter to whom was taken away from me.
Ever since I lost my daughter I have a hard time trying to be friends with anyone and he tells me that I stay by myself to much because all I do is sleep and work. He really hits it on the nose when he says that I am a miserable old person who makes everyone around me miserable too. I just don't know how to relate to people anymore. I am afraid to let anyone see what is in my heart because I am afraid that they will not understand. He really has no idea what is in my heart because I keep it closed all the time. I tell him and my children all the time that I love them but I seem to push them away without realizing that I am even doing it. My husband tells me all the time that I keep pushing him away but I really don't mean too.
My kids think sometimes that I don't love them because I don't spend alot of time with them and I yell at them alot. I don't mean to shut anyone of them out but it seems to me that they just don't want to listen and I get frustrated with them for not listening to what I am trying to tell them. They are both teenagers and I know they have a mind of their own but it would be nice if they would listen to me every once in a while. They do know that they have a sister out there somewhere and that I am searching for her. They think that I am obcessed with finding her and that I am neglecting to be with them and show that I love them also. I do love all my children very much including my daughter that I lost so long ago.
For a long time after I had my other two Children I was always afraid that someone would come along and take them away from me like they took my first child. I was always looking over my shoulder to see if there was someone there to snatch them away. I would watch every move my children would make. I still watch and monitor everything they do even though they are teenagers. They sometimes think that I am to controling of their actions. It is just that nagging feeling that someone is watching my every move when it comes to my children.
Fear plays a big roll in my life. The fear of losing everyone and everything that I have protected since I lost my first child. I made my husband promise that if anything should ever happen between us that he will not take my children away from no matter what. He said he understood my fear and he would never put me through what I had to go through with my daughter.
I have said to much already so I am going to sign off for now. I really don't want my children to see what I am writing because I don't know if they will understand because they are still in my eyes to young to understand how I am feeling.
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I strongly suggest that you see out individual counseling to help you deal with your loss.
If things are as bad as you imply here, then you are risking losing your kids when they get old enough to walk away. What you say you feel and what you are showing them is vastly different.
I do hope that you find whatever it is you need to make peace with yourself but please do not sacrifice the children you have now for your daughter.
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i feel for you and your pain i am on the other side thought you might want to hear i am the second child of four but i was raised as the first my mother placed our oldest sister for adoption when she was first born. my mother always fretted over her always wondered and worried as i am sure you do and also had some regrets about the situation that led to her decision and we always knew of our sister from the time we could somewhat understand my middle sister t always wanted to find her an wondered about her she always thought she would find something she was missing but ...as the "oldest" i never really wanted to find her i was the oldest if she came back i would lose my spot i identified with that also i thought was i not good enough for my mom that she had to have another one? well now i am unable to have children of my own and we are in the process of adopting a bb due in dec so i am helping my mother understand how much she helped some one by giving them the gift they could not give themselves that gives her some peace and she is helping me to understand how our birthmom may be feeling we have found our sister and it is a very strange situation she is like us in a lot of ways but she is not our "sister" in the way we are to each other mom has peace with what she did but not because she has found her but instead because she knows now what it feels like for a woman and her family to receive the gift that she gave as we are now receiving that gift from someone i think your child must have been taken from you which is a different situation but it can have the same result on your children and also i would suggest that you talk to a proffesional for your describing your child as lost like deceased and if this is how you feel you should work through some grief counseling as leaabc suggested i know you have lost a lot but you still have a great deal try to focus on that and i hope this has helped trudy