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I would like adoptive parent or adoptee feadback on our situation. We adopted two daughters three years ago at ages 5 and 6. They were in our family in foster care for two years prior to that. During this whole time they have always been sweet, well-behaved, somewhat shy girls. They always hugged us like it took effort showing little emotion but, we always felt that was part of the shyness and that it would get better.
We had a shocking summer this year. Just before school let out the principal called us in. They had been passing out a homemade game that involved really bad sexual stuff. They were actually mass producing them. This led us to go through their rooms and we found paper notes etc. with horrible things written on them about our family and about our two younger children....just horrible stuff. They most definitely had alot of hate hidden all this time. When asked how they feel about us, they openly say they can't stand us and never wanted this family. They had hoped to be adopted somewhere else. We ask if this is something that has been building up or had they felt it all along. They said they've felt like they hated us all along. If given a choice they want to go somewhere else.
The wildest thing is we thought of them as happy. They are 10 and 11 yrs old now. When I ask our 7 and 8 year old if they act the same when we're not around they said no. "They're kinda mean" I never asked this before because I never, ever thought of them as ever being mean. When I read the writings they make me shudder.....like these girls are a time bomb. I have had lots of traing in attachment disorders and up until now I never considered these girls in that possible category. They had three years of counseling!
We don't know what to do.....We went through the summer trying to enjoy it all, just love'em and hoping it would go away but just a few days ago my husband overheard a very hateful discussion they were having about our 7 yr old. They honestly wish her dead! I can't even sleep now.
They have a birth aunt in a nearby town that has wanted them and is very trustworthy. we have not seen her for over three years... should we look at that option for all our sakes? Is it even legal to persue options? We have been heartbroken over this but we want what's best for all four children...safety, security.
please respond....
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I am so sorry on what you are going through!
I can't imagine a child with so much hatefulness.
What were their pasts like, I mean did they expierence this from other foster care or bio parents? You say they had 3 years of counceling, maybe they weren't ready to open up yet.
The bad sexual stuff I am not sure of, did they see it some where else? I still can't believe this and what you are going through!
They should be happy to have such a loving family!
Where were they before you got them?
I don't really know what to tell you! I am sorry I can't really help but sounds like they need more counceling and love.
Just don't give up. God is with you on this and my prayers are too
Always a friend to some one needing it,
Vanessa
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I'm sorry you are going through this. This type of issue is one of my fears; that after what seems to be a happy situation turns into a nightmare.
After 5 years in your home, I don't think disrupting the adoption without doing everything you can to see what's going on with your daughters is the first way to go. Obviously something is going on and in order to help the girls and your family, you need to know what it is.
I strongly suggest you get them into individual therapy with a therapist who is experienced in adoption, foster care, attachment etc. I say individual, because it may be that one of the girls is influencing the other one to feel this way and is in short, pulling the strings.
I would also get counselling for the other children to see exactly what they have been through with their sisters. It may be they aren't telling you the whole story of how they are treated. If you think their safety is compromised, I would not any of the kids be together unsupervised at this point. At least until you can get a better line on the situation.
I would sit each girl down individually to discuss these things and I would make it clear to them that you are their family and they need to know that their behavior is unacceptable and there will be consequences. What were the consequence for the game they made involving the sexual theme? They need to know that they cannot harm anyone and you will not allow that to happen. I would check their room everyday and take the "you cannot be out of my sight" track for now.
If the girls are as you say a "time bomb", they need help now. And you need to get that help for them immediately.
Lastly, I would post this on the "Special Needs Support" board as there are a lot of us here that have adopted children through the foster care system and there are people on here who have gone through similar situations. They can offer more suggestions and support for you.
Crick
Were you in attachment therapy? If not, start there. If you were, go back. Seperate the girls even if that means homeschooling one and leaving the other in school for a time. I would pull both from school and home school both to minimize outside influence. Not sure about the aunt, but keep that in mind in case the need arises. Put alarms on all kids doors and do not leave the "targeted" child anywhere near either of these kids.
YOu need to find a way not to feel angry and resentful toward the kids for what they've done(easier said then done. If you can't not feel it, fake it)
You need to not let them know that their words and actions bother you. While feeling "How dare you say that" Say "I'm glad you let me know that you need to be with me more." Cancel any and all activities they are involved in. First, they don't appreciate them(don't say that). More importantly, they need to be using all of their time to work on their lives and relationships starting at home.
You said you're familiar with attachment. Are you using theraputic techniques with logical consequences?
I like the Love and Logic series(Cline and Faye), Nancy Thomas-which must be used carefully with love and nurturance as the main focus, and I've also used Martha Welch's information.
There are many others that I've used. I also like the [url]www.radzebra.org[/url] site(which also has parent support groups for parents of kids with RAD)and [url]www.attachment.org[/url]
This is not going to be easy especially with the hurt and shock that has been thrown your way. But you have to move past that and not let is control your parenting decisions. Hang in there and get back into the right therapy now.
I would contact that aunt and consider doing a private adoption out to her if you feel like that is in everyones best interest..
We are in the process of adopting a 15 year old that was adopted with her sister but people she cannot stand.. it was not good for any of them.. but most of all.. she needed to be somewhere where she felt safe and loved AND where the others in the home felt the same way.. especially considering you have other kids in the home..
At least look into this and see if it is a possibility.. please let us know how things go.
Thank you so much for taking your time out of your day to answer.
To clarify; Yes, both were exposed/involved with sexual abuse as well as had watched lots of porn. The first year they were with us we had problems with bazaar behaviors but it all dissipated. Until this last few months we've had no problems at all appear. The oldest (11) is in middle school now.
Also, the counselor they were seeing had been an adoptive parent and had studied a great deal on bonding and attachment but hadn't give us any indication of a problem.
I and my husband want to do something right away.
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If it was attachment therapy, you would have been in the room participating. If you weren't, it wasn't about bonding.
Are they hitting puberty early? It's not uncommon for this to bring up old feelings and for old behaviors to be repeated during this time.
I understand your shock, but I think it's too soon to just decide to give up. Just because they said they had always felt this way, doesn't mean they did.
They did something stupid, they got caught and figure by pushing you away it takes the focus of the problem off of them.
My 15 year old ran away last winter. He and I were always very close. I was stunned when I tried talking to him and he told me how he never liked any of us and how horrible everything was and to just put him in a facility. I was so hurt and so angry. But I know my child. I told him no. I told him you don't get to switch families just because your mad. He continued to give me a lot of lip but returned home. Two days later he told me he was ready to come home the day after he left but didn't want to deal with the consequences. He did require medication to control his anger so he could manage his thinking, but bottom line is what comes out of someone's mouth isn't necessarily the truth.
While I understand your reaction and the urge to rehome them quickly, I don't think this decision should be made while your feelings are this raw. This is a drastic life change and you did agree to be their parents. It seems like a pretty drastic step based on the information you gave.
Are you sure the birth aunt still would want them and has the means to care for them? Three years is a long time. How do you think these kids will react to losing their parents?
Thanks for your insight. We are going to do alot of research before an actual decision of any kind. The feelings they expressed have been repeated in conversation over the last few months not in anger but in point blank, matter-of-fact style from them.
You're right we are still somewhat in the shock stage because we beleive they can say these things with no show of emotion at all. We keep thinking they would think through what they've expressed and would've changed their mind but, that's not the case.
Yes, depending on the day, we sometimes feel it must be handled "now" but in fact we're trying to persue options carefully.
Thanks again!
I understand what you mean about the emotionless, popint blank manner. I would respond simply that you love them and they can't make you stop loving them. They'll toss it back, but it means nothing.
Hope you'll be able to find some peace and feel a clear decision whether to hold on and do more attachment therapy or to let go and hope they can be successful elsewhere.
I would also get hold of the Aunt and maybe have her do somekind of respite for you.. see how the girls are with her, they may find that they really miss you and want to come home.. they may find that that is a better place for them to me.
I know that some with say that you have to do everything to keep them since you adopted them.. but sometimes the past trauma's do mean that special consideration needs to be looked at.
In the end, you will do what is best for the kids becasue you LOVE them.. if you did not, you would not be trying as hard as you are.. But just know that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go..
Please keep us updated.. Good luck
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Mom in Michigan,
What a devastating situation! You must be heartbroken and heart sick and just sick with worry. I totally second everything Lucyjoy said. The first, practical step is getting alarms on every child's doors. You must protect all the children in the house. It sounds like there is a real risk of the girls sexually abusing other children.
I also agree that you MUST see an attachment therapist with the proper credentials right away. Whatever is ultimately best for your daughters, they have serious issues that must be addressed professionally. Being adopted by a birth aunt is not going to make these profound attachment issues go away.
I am so sorry you are undergoing this nightmare. What risks foster and fost/adopt parents take! Please don't think that all of your love and concern and efforts on these children's behalf was in vain. While they clearly have serious issues, they would be in much, much worse shape had they not had the benefit of the love and security of your home.
You might find Foster Cline's book, Can This Child Be Saved? helpful if for no other reason than it will remind you that you are not crazy, you are not alone, and you are not to blame for the horrible abuse these girls were exposed to. I also agree with Lucyjoy that Nany Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough would be useful to you in this difficult time. And Parenting the Hurt Child.
I am really so sorry for your incredibly difficult situation. We are here for you when you need a place to vent your sorrow and anger and frustration and disappointment and any other feelings you have.
FOSTER CLINE IS SPEAKING TO THE MICHIGAN ADOPTION RESOURCE EXCHANGE ON THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4TH FROM 9:00 A.M. TO 4:00 P.M. AT EMBASSY SUITES HOTEL IN LIVONIA, MICHIGAN!
Sorry, I hit enter by mistake. Here's the Foster Cline information in full. He's coming on Thursday, November 4th from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. at the Embassy Suites Hotel in Livonia, Michigan. The cost is a mere $10--if you see him at other venues, you will be paying a lot more, believe me. This cost includes a continental breakfast and lunch. You also get credit for training hours. Hotel rooms are $99 a night, or were if you booked by 10/4/04. You can RSVP by calling the MARE office by Friday, 10/29/04 by phone at 1-800-589-6273 or by email at kgrapentine@mare.org. The name of the presentation is Challenging Times for Families and Children. I think this could be a big help to you, Mom in Michigan. Please let us know how things go. Peace.