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Hey everyone... need some help today. I have been in reunion with my BMom BDad and Bdaughter all unrelated and all within a 3 month period.
My reunion with my daughter was wonderful and now my grief is unbearable and inconsolable. I don't know how to wrap my head around healing. The whole 17 years she was being raised by someone else and is not my daughter. My heart is broken. I wish I knew then what I know now. I am sick with grief. If someone out there has any advice... please help me.
I am also feeling bad about my BMom. We were in reunion for just over 2 months. I met her one time and her daughters one time. She lives out of state but we talked on the phone weekly. Recently, I met my BDad and my BMom talked badly about him. I received a phone call from one of my 1/2 sisters 3 weeks ago. This was her first phone call to me ever. She called to ask me how to get her friend a job where I work. I thought it was wierd and just told her to go on the website like everyone else does. I told her I did not have any special way to get a job here. She then preceeds to tell me how my BMom hates my BDad and never wants him in her life. She said that she was really surprised that my BDad wanted to meet me.... she doesn't know him and I was the first born. My BMom was married to her Dad when she was born so she has never had anything to do with my BDad. IMO she shouldn't have an opinion on the subject.
I still talked to my BMom for two weeks after that being careful not to mention my BDad. Then my BMom and I exchanged e-mails because she sensed I was pulling back from her and assumed it was because I met my BDad. I told her it wasn't because I met my BDad but because of what her daughter told me. Well to make a long story short, she has chosen to cut off all ties with me going forward. I am really ok with that because even though I would have loved a relationship, she plays the victim role, takes zero responsiblity for anything in her life, nd her responses to my need to not have her daughter tell me how she feels were very ugly and mean. She twist words and finds her own meaning in them.
I know all of this is very hard on her, since I am a birthmother, I do understand and at the same time I realize it was a different time, different circumstances. I feel for her. This is just a hard and sad time.
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mtlover wrote..I don't know how to wrap my head around healing.
It takes time.. I think.. I know those early reunion emotions. They are overwhelming..When I hit them I kept telling myself to just stay in the moment and stay positive.. I tried to stay positive in my thinking..I also tried to put myself in his shoes.. I tried to understand what he was going through..
Recently, I met my BDad and my BMom talked badly about him.
Not good.. You are not responsible for any of that IMO.
IMO you are right about putting up boundaries..These are early days in reunion for you..
My suggestion would be to keep telling yourself that these things will pass.. and the water will find its own level..
Jackie
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(((((kim)))))
I agree with Jackie on the boundaries -- I wouldn't like to hear b-mom talking badly about b-dad, or vice versa.
I'm sorry you feel such grief about missing those years with your daughter. (And of course she is still your daughter - but I think I know what you mean). I've never been in your shoes, and don't have any advice on how to cope with those emotions. I hope some other birthmoms can - I just wanted in the meantime to tell you I'm sorry you're hurting.
Please remember what a "rush" these last few months have been. Most of us barely emotionally survive ONE reunion in that period, and you've had three - and from both the birthmother and adoptee angle. Your poor head and heart have been put through quite the emotional wringer... Yes, it's been mostly good - but even good isstressful! Read back over some of your earlier posts -- all the fears, doubts, second-guessing, elation, nervousness, joy, love, sadness -- and that was just on the last reunion that I got to watch unfold!
Plus, I think we get used to the adrenaline and "high" of it, so there is a tendency to almost "crash" at the end. To not know how to just settle into a new reality, new relationships, and some CALM. We have to learn, and it takes time.
I'm not saying that's all of it... I just think it's part of it. And that means you need some TLC, and to give yourself a bit of a break - some understanding that this is a hard time, but that it WILL pass.
((((more hugs)))))
Cheryl