When to let your child search

There exists a need for a place where adoptive parents can share their feelings in a supportive atmoshpere. I thought that this forum's purpose was to do just that.

Well here is the thing....parenting is all about giving, not receiving. That's not to say that we don't get back lots from our children. However it is to say that we are to love them without expectations. (that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be healthy boundaries in the relationship) Sometimes it's very tough to continue to give and love when the child seems to not want us to. I'm very sorry for your pain. No one has said that you are wrong for hurting. And you are entitled to your opinions about your daughter's mindset and her behavior. What I am saying is that adoptees need to have the space to persue their possible relationships with their birth families without having to worry all about the feelings of the aparents. Aparents (and family) need to work through their feelings and their issues themselves...it's not the job of the adoptee to take care of the aparents feelings and issues. Because a child chooses to create a relationship with their birth family does NOT mean anything about their relationship with their adoptive family. It doesn't mean that they were lacking something in their relationship. Just as when we add more children to the family it doesn't mean that there is something lacking in our relationship with the other children. Yep maybe it is selfish - the way she has chosen to do things...or maybe it's just sortof normal. Maybe she's really doing a terrible job with this whole thing. Maybe she just doesn't know how to do it. It's not like there are guide books on how to wade through these situations! You say that you have given space. Maybe you need to give more space. Often children will pull away. It's normal for all children to need to separate from their parents and find their own way. Hopefully by truly giving them enough space to do this then they will also want to find their way back to us. However, the relationship will be different. It shifts from the parent - child to more of adult - adult. Hopefully anyway...I think this only comes about if the parents are mature and grounded enough to be able to evolve into this. If we hold on too tightly we may get just what we do not want in return. I haven't followed your story. But I can say that I think it's often hard to navigate a new relationship and I can also say that there are certain things that are very common and natural age/stage things for teens and young adults. You speak in such terms of finality. Your daughter is young. I know that most of us may have felt and done things at certain times in our lives that we would not do now. She's finding her way. It doesn't mean that it has to be all about you. I know it's hard to not take things personally. Just as when a child is angry and screams "I HATE YOU" it's hard to not think they mean it. And they actually do for that moment. But it doesn't mean it's forever. I mean come on - have you never dealt with any of your children doing things that were out of line or hurtful? Did you not realize that it was part of their development and their learning how to relate? You are the adult here...the parent. Definitely deal with your pain and all that is with that. I realize it's devastating when a child turns against their parent. However, it's our job to deal with our own issues ourselves and not to place them on others. No one is saying that you shouldn't feel what you feel. To the contrary...absolutely feel what you feel and deal with those feelings and issues that come up. But it's not your daughter's job to shoulder your feelings and issues.

How is this not?

Joanne, These forums have never been nor will they ever be segregated. If youre saying that no one should respond to a post unless they agree with what is posted, then I think maybe you have this forum confused with some place else. The uniqueness of this forum is that opinions and feedback are offered from all sides Җ and a forum for adoptive parents struggling with reunion doesnt mean only adoptive parents can post in agreement, it means everyone can post and discuss their feelings and opinions, based on their experiences. Who better to learn from than others who have walked the same path?

I have no problem with an exchange of opinions and discussion of a complex issue. I thought I made my original posting clear - an objection to saying reunion is not about the adoptive parent in a forum specifically provided for the adoptive parent.

Things are different when you are going through the adoption process and when your kids are little. I felt so secure in their love for me. I loved and they loved back. It's very different going through the painful periods of abandonment. Perhaps I am not as strong as some other but I am who I am. I did deal with my emotions by myself. My daughter did not know what I was going through. She still doesn't. She had all the space she needed. I respected her need for space. She didn't want to hear about me and she didn't. How nice for her. She can go about her business without feeling bad. My daughter is not young. She is 31. She is connecting with us now more and I am thankful. She says she feels really bad at how she treated us and she is surprised I still love her and even talk with her. She even respects me for loving when she didn't love back. She was afraid that I would abandon her and she knows now that she is loved no matter what she does. I am her mom and I love her. I don't expect anything from her anymore cause I went on a long journey of letting go of expectations. Whether she calls now or not doesn't matter as much. That is kinda sad too because when you love someone you do care!

With all due respect....my kids are not all little. I mentioned that I've been parenting for many years because I noticed that you had already responded to someone else with the comment of it's different when your children are little. BTW...just because someone's children are little doesn't mean they wouldn't have something to offer in a discussion - there is no way of knowing all the experiences of someone posting on a BB. I know that I'm not one that lists every part of my life on a signature line (for one thing it would take pages!) And I think it's next to impossible to ever find someone who has gone through EXACTLY what we have been through. To discount something just because they have not had all the same experiences would mean that we would never be able to be contributed to by another. And I would assume that if we are posting on forums then we are hoping to contribute to others as well as being open to be contributed to. I think you are misunderstanding what some of us have said on here. It's not that people think that you shouldn't feel what you are feeling. Or that anyone is trying to discount your feelings or your experience. It's also not that you should deal with it by yourself either. Nor would I expect whether or not she calls to not matter as much. Absolutely you would care! I think the point that is getting lost here is that when an adoptee searches for their birthfamily and begins a relationship with those people that have been absent from their life they need to be able to do so without it being a burdon to them as to how their adoptive family will feel about it. That is what is meant by that a reunion is not about the adoptive parent. A reunion is a relationship between those directly involved. Of course it impacts those around them as well. Young is a relative term. Your daughter went through a period of breaking away and it sounds like she has matured and not only realizes how she has treated others but is taking responsibility for her actions. That's great! What a wonderful thing. It's wonderful that you loved her through this and she was able to navigate through a tough process and find her way back. And what a priceless lesson for her to know that she is loved no matter what she does! Being a parent is a very very tough job. It's a great (as in magnitude) lesson in unconditional love and an ongoing process of letting go.

I have 4 adopted girls. When my girls were young things were wonderful. I couldn't imagine going through a reunion and feeling the emotions that I felt. I was secure and felt loved by them. I wouldn't have been able to understand the feelings of a mom in reunion. I could imagine and I also could imagine how I would handle things and I did imagine for many years how I would handle things. But that was in a time when I felt secure and loved. I was abandoned and rejected and it crushed me. Many here have not been in my shoes and validated my feelings and have been a wonderful support. I learned from birthmoms and adoptees. I worked through a lot of feelings because of their thoughts and posts. I am sure they learned from me also. Thoughts of an adoptive mom in reunion. What it feels like. There are many adoptive mom's in reunion who struggle but wouldn't consider posting because they would feel as though people were thinking they must have been a bad mother. We must have done something wrong. I am here because I want other adoptive mom's who struggle to come here and know they are not alone. There is support for them as well. Together we can work through our feelings and move on. I appreciate all the birthmoms and adoptees who have helped me understand what they are going through. It helped me to take a look at all sides and have compassion for the whole adoption triangle. It is not just about me or an adoptee or birthmom. It is about all of us who are affected someway with adoption. I respect all of us.

:grouphug: First being a bmom who has just been reunited with a 13yr old I totally think that everyones feelings should be considered I mean really I have 3 young children @ home so I think of them and how I feel about them when I deal with the 13 yr old and her amom. And how painful letting someone else that is a mother figure in some form into our lives I dont consider amom to be a babysitter and be left in the cold while I "reunite" with her daughter. For me I accept anything they are willing to share with me and nothing more than THEY are comfortable with because I Love my daughter so much then when I chose to give her a family and now when she chose to meet me But I realize that I have to take responsibility for the way things turned out it was my decision to give her up (for those who didnt make the decision but were forced or something that is entirely different) and one thing I promised myself and my daughter when I did was that I would never interfere with her life but if she should want me there which has happened it would be a blessing to me and added blessing to my life that I would treat with respect and appreciation they both owe no more than I owe them its about what we both did for her future. I have to say that we both amom and myself think things through and ask Daughter what she wants and its amazing what we can do knowing we arent trying to out show either one who the best mom is. Amom says to me your a great mom for giving her up when you felt you couldnt keep her and for the mom I am to my girls now and I say she is great mom for giving her daughter the love and security to find me and include me without any other "adult" feelings in her way of finding who she is. I pray good things for all the triad families!

I just wanted to comment here that I think many, many mothers, at some point, feel very rejected by their daughters, whether birth daughters or adopted daughters. I went as far from home as a I could for college because I wanted some space from my mom (a lovely lady and a great mother, but I was 18!). I am an over 30 adult woman and have only recently begun to understood how important my sister and I are to my mother, how much of her self-identity revolves around being our mom. Kids push parents away. It's terrible, and when the complications of adoption are added in, it's very hurtful.

FWIW, I find it hard to believe that in a stable relationship an adoptee would choose to "abandon" an adoptive parent. What I mean is: if a child chooses at 28 to leave you for a birthfamily, I would have to ask what is going on prior to that in your relationship. I think that reunion can amplify issues that already exist, but I have a hard time believing it can create them so suddenly and inexplicably. My hope is that by being open and honest with my son about his birthfamily and assisting him with age-appropriate information, that he will always feel comfortable asking me, requsting my support and help in his search. I believe in my heart he will want to know because if it were me I would want to know too. Kelley

That was a very hurtful statement kellymac and that is why many adoptive mom's wouldn't post. We think we are going to do everything "RIGHT." I thought I would. I loved and nurtured and being a mom is the ultimate for me. My daughter is a very sensitive young lady and it was hard for her to understand why she was adopted. She loves us but was very confused. She was in the closed adoption era and info wasn't there for her. She had misplaced anger which I was the target. Doing everything right is not always the answer. I gave my all but it wasn't enough. The hole in her heart could not be filled by me and now she sees it is not filled by her birthmom either. Only God can fill that empty space. My daughter knew she was adopted since the beginning. She loved her adoption story. She wanted to hear it time and time again and she still likes hearing it. I have given her unconditional love all her life and I am still giving it. She is my girl and I love her dearly. Even if she never came back I would still love and ache for her. Thankfully she is slowly coming home. I was not the "PERFECT" mom and who is? But I was good enough. I loved and still love.

love4

I was not the "PERFECT" mom and who is? But I was good enough. I loved and still love.

And smiles are on.. I am sending you a big hug love4.. My reunion is not perfect.. If I were to judge it against another birthmom I may find many many faults in it.. My kids are not perfect.. and I am far from perfect.. :eek: Heck my daughter my second born told me that she did not like growing up with a depressed mom..(she knew nothing of my bson) She is now thirty and our relationship is important to me.. as I am sure your relationship with your daughter is important to you.. Jackie

Love4, I'm sorry if my statement hurt you. I'm an adoptive mom myself and it wasn't my intention. Something you said in your last post is telling: your daughter wasn't completed by her reunion, and she is slowly coming home. Things in life don't always happen at the pace we would choose, but it sounds as though you DID have that strong base relationship with your daughter and because of that, she is slowly realizing how she wants to live her life...with you in it. I truly wish you the best, Kelley

Thanks for the hugs Jackie and I am sending you a big one back. From one wonderful mom to another......HEE HEE! Thanks Kelly. I try so hard to be the best I can be. We all do. It hurts when our kids are still not happy.